Baby Butch Journey

[Corkey]

Personally I love the turn around position. It serves multiple prepossess. First. How would she react if you were the one stringing her out on a limb? Are you sure of her emotional and physical attraction to you, if so how?

[sara-bera]

Originally Posted by blucollargrl

I think I've met the love of my life, BUT she lives with her girlfriend due to finances. Don't want to lose her, but don't have her anyway. What to do, what to do.

I lived with my ex for a year after we ended the marriage because I literally had to start over (I really only had a paycheck to my name when I ended things and that was it). However, everyone knew he was my ex. He knew he was my ex. And of course, I also knew he was my ex. We slept on separate floors of the house and lived as roommates.

I only dated one person during that year and I'm not sure said person ever questioned anyone but me, but if he had, he would have heard clearly that my ex and I were over.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that sometimes there are reasons people have to continue living under the same roof for awhile after separating - lives are entwined and take some work to detangle... but, it's usually pretty clear when it's over, regardless. If you're questioning things, you might have very well have something to worry about.

[blucollargrl]

So winter here in the midwest might be a warm one, maybe even hot , after all. Good conversation with her tonight after much pondering on both our parts. She's scared, I'm scared, but we're going to give it a shot. We love each other and hopefully that's enough. Thanks again for you're thoughts. It is much appreciated.!!

[Strappie]

Hey Blu,

I've hand my challenges through out the years stemming from my first relationship and the effect that it has had on me over the years. I've had to work long and hard to get were I am today by working on myself before entering relationships. One relationship can turn your other relationships upside down. So choose wisely.

Sometimes if we take a step back and take a good hard look at what is with in ourselves, we find the answers we are looking for.

I personally think there is something with in you that you need to take a good hard look at before taking on this relationship. I believe there is some one better for you out there. I really don't think you want to get yourself into this thus you are asking for advice. I feel there is a part of you reaching out for help so to speak. I think you know the answer. It's as if you don't think there is anything better. Or maybe you think time is running out on your relationship clock? When we have to question if this relationship is right or if we can trust each other or not, or we continue to wonder whether they are truthful or not... it's time to look with in yourself and ask....

What am I doing??

Am I lonely?

Am I giving up on myself?

Am I asking the right questions, to get the answers "I" need?

Am I being gullible?

Why am I questioning her?

Am I being truthful with myself in my wants/needs?

and so on and so on......

The way I look at it is... you should look with in yourself not her.

~~just my two cents.. and babble!!

[DapperButch]

Originally Posted by blucollargrl

So winter here in the midwest might be a warm one, maybe even hot , after all. Good conversation with her tonight after much pondering on both our parts. She's scared, I'm scared, but we're going to give it a shot. We love each other and hopefully that's enough. Thanks again for you're thoughts. It is much appreciated.!!

So is she willing to come OUT with your relationship? Is she willing to let everyone know?

[Sachita]

Originally Posted by RitaSink

I lived with my ex for a year after we ended the marriage because I literally had to start over (I really only had a paycheck to my name when I ended things and that was it). However, everyone knew he was my ex. He knew he was my ex. And of course, I also knew he was my ex. We slept on separate floors of the house and lived as roommates.

I only dated one person during that year and I'm not sure said person ever questioned anyone but me, but if he had, he would have heard clearly that my ex and I were over.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that sometimes there are reasons people have to continue living under the same roof for awhile after separating - lives are entwined and take some work to detangle... but, it's usually pretty clear when it's over, regardless. If you're questioning things, you might have very well have something to worry about.

In a perfect world it shouldnt matter, however I would not jump into a relationship with someone who had an ex lurking about. I would spend time, get to know them and move very slow. There's just been too many bad situations I've encounter to just trust someone that much right off the bat.

I look around me and see so many people just jumping in and going full speed ahead. Whats the fucking hurry? The very worse thing you can do is base a relationship on passion and allowing the HIGH's to fuel you past common sense. When reality checks in it might be more then what your bargained for. Slow down, don't settle and nurture a friendship

[Kobi]

Originally Posted by Sachita

In a perfect world it shouldnt matter, however I would not jump into a relationship with someone who had an ex lurking about. I would spend time, get to know them and move very slow. There's just been too many bad situations I've encounter to just trust someone that much right off the bat.

I look around me and see so many people just jumping in and going full speed ahead. Whats the fucking hurry? The very worse thing you can do is base a relationship on passion and allowing the HIGH's to fuel you past common sense. When reality checks in it might be more then what your bargained for. Slow down, don't settle and nurture a friendship

This makes sense to me. Anyone still connected to an ex either by living arrangement, finances, emotions etc is not someone free to explore a relationship with another.

In my experience it takes time to heal and get back on ones feet. To try and circumvent this by jumping into another relationship does a disservice to all parties.

My general rule is a year of alone time before even considering getting involved. The head is clearer, the emotions are free, and involvement is a choice not a reactionary move to loss, lonliness etc.

[Glenn]

Blu Collar Read This Again :

Originally Posted by woodstock

I posted earlier before this new update, that since I don't know you or the other party, I didn't feel right making a generalization. However, after this update, I am going to add my two cents. It appears to me that you are going to stay no matter what advice is given. I am basing this assumption on a few phrases, such as, "she is a beautiful person" and "we have an intense emotional and physical chemistry". I would like to ask, if your connection is that intense, why is she interested in someone else? And, what exactly are you getting out of this relationship, other than the physical? She is keeping you a secret, she is interested in someone else, and she doesn't seem to have any regard for your feelings, until you tell her you are leaving. You mentioned that you want her to feel safe and know you will be there...what about her making YOU feel safe in the relationship? I'm sorry...but it seems to me that you are embarking on a toxic relationship.

PULL EJECT NOW

[Novelafemme]

Originally Posted by Kobi

This makes sense to me. Anyone still connected to an ex either by living arrangement, finances, emotions etc is not someone free to explore a relationship with another.

In my experience it takes time to heal and get back on ones feet. To try and circumvent this by jumping into another relationship does a disservice to all parties.

My general rule is a year of alone time before even considering getting involved. The head is clearer, the emotions are free, and involvement is a choice not a reactionary move to loss, lonliness etc.

Having been in this exact situation myself, I would have to agree with Kobi. I lived with my ex for almost a year after splitting up and it was one of the worst situations I have ever been in. It made sense at the time since neither of us could afford to break the lease and move, but in the end that exact situation happened so it was inevitable! I did tell the person I started dating about our situation but it still turned out to be messy and painful for everyone involved and I wouldn't recommend making the choices I did to anyone.

Even though I was VERY new to the gay dating world, and I made some pretty poor choices, I would now recommend the following:

1. slow down.

2. and then slow down even more.

3. do not, i repeat...DO NOT!!...move in with anyone until you are both single, have gotten to know each other in different situations over time, and are each living on your own, unattached to anyone else...both emotionally and physically.

...and most of all, don't pressure or feel pressured into anything. It's more than OK for anyone to ask for some personal time and space to figure out what is in your/their best interest. i know how it feels to be swept off your feet and want everything to happen FAST. it feels exciting and hopeful and wonderful...but if it is meant to be there shouldn't be any reason at all to rush things. be patient and know everything will work out the way it was meant to.

[Dreams]

*shaking my head*...

[kannon]

Each situation is unique. Other people can provide advice, share their experiences, which may influence your own. The trick is learning to find, listen and follow your inner voice. On a deeper level we all know what's right for us.

[JustJo]

Originally Posted by CatalinaRose

...and most of all, don't pressure or feel pressured into anything. It's more than OK for anyone to ask for some personal time and space to figure out what is in your/their best interest. i know how it feels to be swept off your feet and want everything to happen FAST. it feels exciting and hopeful and wonderful...but if it is meant to be there shouldn't be any reason at all to rush things. be patient and know everything will work out the way it was meant to.

This exactly...

[ruffryder]

Originally Posted by blucollargrl

So winter here in the midwest might be a warm one, maybe even hot , after all. Good conversation with her tonight after much pondering on both our parts. She's scared, I'm scared, but we're going to give it a shot. We love each other and hopefully that's enough. Thanks again for you're thoughts. It is much appreciated.!!

I appreciate you starting this thread. People have been there, done this. I hope you take the advice given here. It is good to get a 3rd party advice. People always say the heart knows what it knows. You cannot tell it how to feel. I'm glad you are having conversation about this with her. I do not agree that she is keeping you a secret from the world. The only thing I can think of is what you said is that you are both scared and maybe just starting to explore the start of a relationship. Give it a shot, give it time. Keep communicating about what you both want. Do not be a secret to the world though when you are ready to commit and she's not. Love is enough if that it is what it is buddy and hopefully for your sake she's just loving you. Good luck. Keep us posted and come back for more advice if you need to.

[blucollargrl]

I should have listened to some of the advice I received from this thread. I gave all I had and it wasn't enough. Tapped out emotionally and financially....not that I had a lot of money to begin with. Just sayin. A lesson well learned......don't give your heart to quickly or completely, especially when the other person is emotionally unavailable. It was all great advice, I just had to find out for myself I guess!!! Argghhhh!!

[Novelafemme]

Originally Posted by blucollargrl

I should have listened to some of the advice I received from this thread. I gave all I had and it wasn't enough. Tapped out emotionally and financially....not that I had a lot of money to begin with. Just sayin. A lesson well learned......don't give your heart to quickly or completely, especially when the other person is emotionally unavailable. It was all great advice, I just had to find out for myself I guess!!! Argghhhh!!

{{{{{blu}}}}} i'm so sorry you got hurt.

[Corkey]

Originally Posted by blucollargrl

I should have listened to some of the advice I received from this thread. I gave all I had and it wasn't enough. Tapped out emotionally and financially....not that I had a lot of money to begin with. Just sayin. A lesson well learned......don't give your heart to quickly or completely, especially when the other person is emotionally unavailable. It was all great advice, I just had to find out for myself I guess!!! Argghhhh!!

Don't beat yourself up over stuff you can't control. Learn and grow from this and heal before you try again.

[blucollargrl]

hugs are awesome!! Thanks!

[UofMfan]

I agree with Corkey.

Sometimes even when great advice is given, if it is not what we want to hear, we go ahead and do what we want to do anyway.

Some lessons we need to learn for ourselves.

Don't beat yourself over it, just learn and grow from it.

[Corkey]

I'd like to put some emphasis on the heal part. Take some time to understand what happened and the why of it, including your part in it. Folks make the worst mistakes by jumping into relationships they just aren't ready for because they haven't taken the time to learn from the last one. . Its human nature to want to be paired up, in some form and fashion. Growing from the healing is so much easier and the lessons tend not to have to be repeated.
My.05

[bitcrazy]

Originally Posted by blucollargrl

I should have listened to some of the advice I received from this thread. I gave all I had and it wasn't enough. Tapped out emotionally and financially....not that I had a lot of money to begin with. Just sayin. A lesson well learned......don't give your heart to quickly or completely, especially when the other person is emotionally unavailable. It was all great advice, I just had to find out for myself I guess!!! Argghhhh!!

__________________________________________________ _____________
My grandma used to tell me - the key to success in life is not making mistakes. You need to learn from your mistakes and be wise enough to avoid repeating them again. My $0.02. Good luck and may the new year bring a new tide in your life.