Stone--Personal Definitions

[Stoney]

wow, nice post thank you Gemme, for an honest direct answer.

I enjoy your posts.

Stoney.

[Bit]

Stoney's questions: If a woman is in a relationship with a stone butch , is she now a stone femme?

Cath: Not as far as I'm concerned, and I'll tell you why. For me personally and according to the other Stonefemmes who have shared with me, this identity is our own. It's not granted to us by the Stone Butch, nor is it contagious--they cannot somehow magically turn us into Stonefemmes.

This identity is consistent within us no matter whom we might choose as a partner. Many of us have had the experience of being with non-Stone Butches whom we loved very deeply and feeling just awful BECAUSE we weren't comfortable with them sexually; I myself thought I was somehow a badly defective Lesbian because I didn't enjoy "doing as was done to me," yanno? Discovering Stone Butches was a huge "coming home" after years of that kind of relationship, and believe me, the relief was so huge that I cried for weeks.

Stoney: Does that change an identity if the person you are with is stone? or would you simply identify as femme?

Cath: I think nothing external, including a partner, can change an internal identity. I will say that it might appear that way to onlookers, if the Femme is exploring her own identity and experiments with the Stonefemme label to see if it fits her, but to me that is still an internal identity exploration. I can tell you that I changed very drastically over the course of a couple years, and while the things Stone Butches and Transmen were saying served as a catalyst for the changes, it was still my own internal process. Actually, other Femmes of all kinds were a bigger influence in my identity exploration.

Stoney: If you would be changing your style of sex out of respect for the person you were with or is it a lifestyle you would continue to pursue even in a different relationship? also would a woman who identifies as a stone femme whether in a relationship or not only look to date a stone butch?

Cath: I prefer to date Stone Butches and Transmen, but I'm not limited to them. I've fallen in love with many a Butch who was neither. Gryph is neither.

Stoney: I know for me, being Stone isnt an issue if it was a casual thing but what about a different senerio, you fall in love with a person who wasnt stone before,

Cath: I admit that I was concerned! It hadn't gone so well in the past, falling in love with non-Stone Butches, and I wondered if I would be able to deal with it. What made me willing to try was that Gryph and I were completely compatible in the rest of our lives (well. Except for his infamous "butchelor pad" non-cleaning tendencies, that is), and I trusted him to be respectful of my boundaries as a Stonefemme. He is respectful of them, he does understand, and we've never had a problem.

Stoney: or maybe you fall in love with a stone butch and you arent....would you always feel like something was missing? Would you miss making love to a woman? I always wondered if my partner was feeling restricted from something she may desire to do with me or to me , just like I do her.

Cath: I've had a hard time shaking off the guilt because I wasn't "performing" the way some of my past lovers expected me to, but miss it? No. It's not my thing. I don't know any Stonefemmes who say they miss it, either... most of my friends over the years have said they, like me, are relieved to be able to concentrate on having sex that feels natural to us in relationships that work for us with partners we adore. I've heard that so consistently that I think maybe they feel that relief at finding the right kind of relationship in the same huge way I do.

Thank you for the questions!

[Stoney]

Bit!

thank you so much for all your answers. I honestly have been wondering about these things for years, what you said , I have heard my partner say," it takes the pressure off, it allows her to be comfortable, because we are so compatible in that way". I was hoping my questions came off genuine because they were. I never really understoond stone femme either, till recently , I am embarrassed to admit I was wrong for a long time on that,

It has helped me to see it and understand it , we are really so much alike arent we ?

Thank you so much Bit , Love all your posts too!


Peace Stoney

[cinderella]

Wow, Bit, what a sigh of relief when I read your post!! You are describing my experience to a T. Thank you for posting this. You have reaffirmed any hint of vestigial doubt I may still have had regarding this issue. I couldn't have said it any better - very well expressed.


[QUOTE=Bit;122860]
[SIZE=3][COLOR=teal]
*snip*
This identity is consistent within us no matter whom we might choose as a partner. Many of us have had the experience of being with non-Stone Butches whom we loved very deeply and feeling just awful BECAUSE we weren't comfortable with them sexually; I myself thought I was somehow a badly defective Lesbian because I didn't enjoy "doing as was done to me," yanno? Discovering Stone Butches was a huge "coming home" after years of that kind of relationship, and believe me, the relief was so huge that I cried for weeks.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by Stoney

Okay heres some questions I would like to throw out there and hear some feed back.

If a woman is in a relationship with a stone butch , is she now a stone femme?
Does that change an identity if the person you are with is stone? or would you simply identify as femme?
If you would be changing your style of sex out of respect for the person you were with or is it a lifestyle you would continue to pursue even in a different relationship? also would a woman who identifies as a stone femme whether in a relationship or not only look to date a stone butch?

I know for me, being Stone isnt an issue if it was a casual thing but what about a different senerio, you fall in love with a person who wasnt stone before, or maybe you fall in love with a stone butch and you arent....would you always feel like something was missing? Would you miss making love to a woman? I always wondered if my partner was feeling restricted from something she may desire to do with me or to me , just like I do her.

My first female long term partner was stone. I've seen many stone butches, casually and seriously.

I've never ID'd as a stonefemme (though I have had long periods of being stone - boundried about where people can touch me - myself). I've never felt there was something missing unless there *was* something missing in our relationship, not sex. If it was with the right person, if my wife suddenly decided she was stone, then I would not have much of problem with it. I'm pretty damn flexible. I enjoy giving anal sex, a lot, but I know some people can't. I don't feel like a part of me has been lopped off if I can't. Just the way some things go. And I'm well versed, so I'm not fussed.

My ID does not depend on my partner. full stop.

stone butches...
Has being stone been greeted with the wide eye " your Kiddings" like I described in a previous post in this thread?

Do you tell people you are stone, I mean in the general community, not Butch-femme? is it something personal you only share with your partner?...
Honestly I dont just put that out there. It isnt a common knowlege thing among my Friends, except here, online. I only cross that bridge if I come to it I guess.

I know isn't addressed to me, but, too bad!

I know there are plenty of places in the states and in canada it's acceptable to state your ID as stone butch. in the generder queer scene in london.... em... no. Butch is fine when mentioned in passing, no one gives a fuck, so woulod find it slightly odd for someone to do it adamantly/proudly. Sort of like shouting "I'm here, I'm queer" in a club where everyone has been out for 900 billion years and has the right to get married. State one is stone? not. that's sort of like telling your dinner guests how you like to masturbate. No one really wants to know your preferences in the sack. or how many toilet squares it takes to wipe your ass, while having a beer with you. It's kinda considered TMI. it's kinda a conversation you have with someone you intend to have sex with and close friends if you talk about sex with your close friends, not your casual mates.

the community clubs I hang in understands butch-femme, butch-butch, femme-femme, trans-butch, trans-femme, trans-wotever, bi, and all variations of generqueer. No one blabs about it too much, it's kind of a given. Though the term pillow princess/prince gets bandied about a bit, but not in a nasty way. and many people are more than happy to put their hand up and own that term.

[adorable]

I actually came to these sites to FIND my ID because I believed there was one. I found there was none and yet I am stone. I am stone not for the reasons that some may think...for me it has everything to do with what OTHERS think of my sexuality and not at all based on what my sexuality is in reality. I am NOT like you. I am me. He is He. Together we are. Who understands what I have come to understand doesn't mean a damn thing. I get it.

Stone is one way to quickly describe for me a dynamic that can also be described for me as D/g. Do we fuck that way? Sometimes. Do we love that way? Always. Will most people ever understand it? NO. Do I care? Not anymore.

[bright_arrow]

Originally Posted by Stoney

Okay heres some questions I would like to throw out there and hear some feed back.

If a woman is in a relationship with a stone butch , is she now a stone femme?

I am partnered with a stone butch, but it does not change my identity and never has.

Does that change an identity if the person you are with is stone? or would you simply identify as femme?

I have identified as femme since I found the term, even when my partner was stone butch, transgendered, or just a non-identified woman loving woman (does that make sense?).

If you would be changing your style of sex out of respect for the person you were with or is it a lifestyle you would continue to pursue even in a different relationship? also would a woman who identifies as a stone femme whether in a relationship or not only look to date a stone butch?

It is in my nature to touch and be touched, just as it is some's nature to touch and not be touched, or not be touched and touch. However, I look at it more as a "This is what I do not like." as opposed to "This is what you can't ever do." Same thing, yes, but it is easier to wrap my head around. That way I see it just as a preference, and do not take it personally, even though in my mind it is not personal, my heart sometimes takes it personally to the extreme. Does that make sense? I have cried myself to sleep before thinking I was doing something wrong and therefore being punished by not being allowed to touch at all. It just makes me feel down on myself when I think of it like "I can not do this to my partner because they do not want me to." vs. "My partner just prefers not to be touched this way, but they do like it this way."

I know for me, being Stone isnt an issue if it was a casual thing but what about a different senerio, you fall in love with a person who wasnt stone before, or maybe you fall in love with a stone butch and you arent....would you always feel like something was missing? Would you miss making love to a woman? I always wondered if my partner was feeling restricted from something she may desire to do with me or to me , just like I do her.

I won't lie, yes sometimes I feel a void. Coming out, it was always reciprocating sex with my girlfriends, there was no boundaries when it came to our bodies. When I became aware of the butch/femme community, I was partnered with a butch lesbian who identified as stone, but sometimes she would get really out of it (i.e. she was addicted to pain pills) and suddenly that went out the window. Imagine my surprise the next night when she flipped out on my attempts at initiating sex. I quickly became confused as to what was allowed, when it was allowed.. Not trying to come across negatively, just trying to explain my confusion as a newly outed lesbian.

My responses are above in purple.

[UofMfan]

Originally Posted by HowSoonIsNow

I am curious about those who ID as *Stone* and what that specific WORD means to them on a personal and relationship level.

Is it sexual boundaries or gender ID or a combination of the two or something one cannot explain that makes one ID as *Stone*?

It may be too personal to explain--perfectly understandable (of course!). I am just wondering how all those who ID as Stone (femmes and butches) came to that ID and what that ID means to them...if they want to share of course!

If there is another thread on personal definitions of *Stone*, someone tell me quickly!

--No judgement--I am honestly curious as to what *STONE* means for people on this site.

Thanks Jess for bumping this friendlier thread.