Setting the bar high?

[Kätzchen]

I just got back from a long morning concerning an evaluation for physical therapy, and I can't unwind enough to take a rest or nap this afternoon, but I want to pause and reflect for several moments on comments posted by members of our community.

First, thank you for taking time to thoughtfully reply to the subject I feel that deserves attention. The subject of .... Setting The Bar High..

I really like what Grainne said in her post, that "the first criteria in an prospective partner has to.be character, empathy and integrity" (Gainne). I totally agree! Those characteristics are of primal importance to me, when it comes to 'setting the bar high'.

I appreciate Gemme's take too, because as Gemme points out, 'setting the bar high' can devolve into setting precedent for anyone to utilize x, y or z standards as a way to justify an personal desire which might not be all that reasonable. I really liked how you explained your viewpoint Gemme!

I absolutely LOVED your response Ocean because not only is it our perogative to exercise our choices but it is also an imperative to making choices that we know we can or cannot accept. That's been my experience now, for about the past few years. I'm always reviewing aspects about myself and making sure that I've set the bar high, not only for myself, but as it concerns romantic endeavors.

I really appreciate your response Imperfect_cupcake! I so hear you about taking time out for you, finding out your own specific needs, desires and wants. For several years, before I dipped my toes into the dating pool again, I too took considerable time exploring previous decisions I've made in other relationships, as well as just enjoying life on my own, without being involved with anyone else. I totally hear you when you say you've had more peace in the past three years, on your own, and that the proverbial 'bar ' will stay where it is.

A couple of other members posted too, but I don't know that the topic of honesty is part of the subject of "setting the bar high", but it COULD BE if one isn't being honest with themselves. I'm very honest with myself at all times.

To be sure the topic stays on topic, I'd like to remind people that when you post, please remember that the topic I offered for discussion is not necessarily about me. It's an subject of discussion about what "Setting the bar high" means to you, and if it worked in your favor or not.

One of the things I wonder about "setting the bar high" is unintended consequences. I think Gemme did a fine job illustrating this particular consequence, as well as Grainne.

Grainne, in particular. Toward the end of Grainne's post, she said that if the "bar is set too low, anyone can meet it."

Can I get an amen??? True story. If anyone can meet your expectations or standards in current life, does it mean you've met the right person? Alternatively, if the "bar is set high" does it mean the person you feel attraction for, is the right person?

Remember, please, this is an general topic of discussion that I feel deserves attention. Not because I do or do not have the proverbial bar set high or low, but in general.

I'm curious about the topic of Setting the bar high because life is not static. Life is full of ever changing dynamics... for example: health, short or long term illness, employment or sudden changes in employment, loss of employment after years on the job, sex --- ranging from low to high to non-existent need for sex, or other things can happen like natural disaster and dealing with the fallout, or any number of other things can happen....outside the context of setting the bar high. Which, in my mind, just because we've set the bar high in our lives, does it always mean that we'll act in our own best interest or will our own perception of standard we think is sufficient, will it still be sufficient in times of change?

Thanks to all who've taken the time to reflect on this topic.
I appreciate your response!

And Katniss, thanks for your post too! Timely!

[Femmewench]

Originally Posted by Kätzchen

To be sure the topic stays on topic, I'd like to remind people that when you post, please remember that the topic I offered for discussion is not necessarily about me. It's an subject of discussion about what "Setting the bar high" means to you, and if it worked in your favor or not.

One of the things I wonder about "setting the bar high" is unintended consequences. I think Gemme did a fine job illustrating this particular consequence, as well as Grainne.

I hadn't thought about this in years, probably more than a decade. I had a list of qualities I was looking for in a future partner that I created 16 or more years ago. Fourteen years ago I met someone who checked almost all of those boxes. Earlier this year, we divorced at my request.

I believe you meet people for a reason, season or lifetime. I though she was for a lifetime. I scared her to death talking about "when we grow old together" after only knowing her a couple of weeks. The knowledge that we would grow old together made it easier to sign the consent form for putting her on a ventilator and dialysis years later; I knew she wasn't going to die. (She wound up rallying and not requiring either.)

As it turned out, I met her and it was for a reason, not a lifetime. There was no foreseeing that when we met and I fell in love. Circumstances beyond her control radically changed her shortly into our relationship. At 14 years, she had healed enough for me to find myself again.

I don't know if I'll do another list. I know what I'm looking for. I also know that things can change in an instant.

[Apocalipstic]

I probably stated this when I said it would take some time to date again and that my recently deceased girlfriend set the bar high.

She died a month ago and I am brokenhearted.

For me, treating me with respect, supporting and encouraging me and always being on my side...set the bar high.

I do not apologize for feeling this way.

[Kätzchen]

Originally Posted by Apocalipstic

I probably stated this when I said it would take some time to date again and that my recently deceased girlfriend set the bar high.

She died a month ago and I am brokenhearted.

For me, treating me with respect, supporting and encouraging me and always being on my side...set the bar high.

I do not apologize for feeling this way.

I'd say that those expectations and setting that type of standard is the bedrock of any loving relationship. If it's okay with you, my sister femme friend, I'll sit by you quietly and mourn with you, the loss of your beloved.
(((((( big big hug )))))))