Big Girl Love

[Jet]

I want to tell you a story. I met someone I came to fall love with on line. We were on the phone 24/7 for 6 months while I lived in Colorado with my family. We talked about everything—and I mean everything to get to know each other.

I had never grown to love anyone or be so enamored with a woman until I met her. Trust me when I tell you I was completely carried away by her southern charm, her voice, her eloquence, and presence. I loved everything about her—that certain southern sexiness being from Atlanta; her views on life, and her intelligence. I loved the way she thought and most of all, how she responded to me as a transman. She was absolutely the kind of woman I could ever hope to be in love with. And I grew to love her, sight unseen except for a few pictures she sent. As time went on, I wanted her to the point of marriage and for her to be the one to kiss me goodbye for the last time—as my life partner.

Our relationship was based on trust— no stone was unturned about our lives, families and our experiences even as far back as childhood. We laughed and cried and shared over and over. Many times we talked about our health being in our 50s—our weight, exercise and
diets. When she sent her pictures she was heavy set and she told me they were out of date and that she was on a diet because she was determined to lose weight. I gave her kudos and encouraged her to keep going. She said she was 40 pounds within her goal, and to me, that was nothing.

She had planned to come to Denver to meet me, and it always failed because of something on her end or mine—logistically is just never happened.

Meantime I had sent her my art and she told me that I needed to be in Atlanta, and that she, herself, being in the corporate world had never seen designs as inventive or of the same level or caliber. She had opened the door for me in thinking of Atlanta as a career move instead of Denver. Naturally, being crazy about her, I came to Atlanta.

Since we had never met in person beforehand, we made a pact and promised each other that if for some reason, we didn’t hit it off or it didn’t work, we would be great friends because we liked each other and had so much in common. So what did I have to lose?

I landed in Atlanta and she picked me up at the airport. I was excited, nervous and I couldn’t wait to meet her.

When she pulled up and got out of the car, she looked as though she more like 140 pounds within her goal not 40; she was obese and much heavier than her pictures. I won’t lie to you, I was floored. I had on sunglasses and she asked me to take them off because she “knew” I would be blown away and she wanted to see my expression. I took them off, kissed her, hugged her and didn’t flinch once. What blew me away the most was that she wasn’t anywhere near the person she sounded like.

But I handled it and this is how:

First, I fell in love with her, not her weight. I fell in love with an incredible woman filled with poise, intelligence, grace and an unspeakable presence that draws you to her. As I collected myself more and more throughout that day, I felt that weight could be dealt with and that it really was secondary in the scheme of falling in love and wanting to marry her. At the same time, I also felt I had made the biggest mistake of my life coming to Atlanta to be with her because she had misrepresented herself. I struggled with my feelings because I felt split down the middle. But I believe in honoring what I say and I was determined to give things a chance and eventually decide between the two of us if things wee going to work out.

We had made a promise that if it didn’t work out we would remain friends. Besides, being with her, her weight never once overshadowed her demeanor or the qualities that had attracted me to her.

But then came clincher:

We lived apart when I came to Atlanta and so we would spend 4-day weekends at my apartment. The sixth weekend arrived and she left to help her daughter who was in major drama and crisis.

She never returned — not once and without so much as valid explanation.

In emails that followed she said we wouldn’t be a good fit and gave other reasons that never warranted her leaving or the fact that she didn’t want to be friends. When I read them to my friends and family they couldn’t believe it.

I was livid and hurt and on a rollercoaster of feelings that ran the full gamut.
I was willing to see it through and she walked out on me. Forget the weight. She completed destroyed the image I had of her as a woman of integrity. Talk about stunned? She left me in a strange town, no car, no bearings or direction, no help and no real explanation. Remember, I’m a trauma survivor which she knew about. So the shock of leaving me almost sent me over the edge; she could have killed me. The poetry in my thread, The Dancer of Atlanta, are about her with the exception of Rio Rio and
Rocket 88.

So you talk about big girl love? She was a big girl who was loved and never even knew how much.

[apretty]

i find myself so tired when someone gets all self-congratulatory about dating someone they never thought they'd be *attracted* to (read: fat). i always want to ask, 'and what.' exactly, suspiciously missing the question mark--because i don't really think all that much of anyone breaking their arm, patting themselves on the back--and lord knows, i don't want details.

[KayCee]

apretty..are you the chief-cencorer here?..What I stated, was my own opinion I am entitled to like anyone else here. No offense against anybody and certainly not personally meant.
Obviously you've got a big problem with your self-esteem or otherwise you wouldn't attack everybody who has a different opinion or respectively own preference projecting these to yourself negatively. There is absolutely no need.

[Admin]

All:

This thread is for "Big Girl Love". If you do not have love for big girls, then you need to take yourselves to another thread.

If you come into a thread designed for positivity and you make comments about someone's size in a negative fashion, you are being insensitive.
Period.

Also, kat6071, your post was reported. There is no need for you to make a personal attack on apretty and make guesstimates about her self-esteem or how she is projecting herself. Please do not continue to engage using personal attacks, if you have a point to make with someone, your point needs to stand on its own without getting personal.

Again, this is a size-positive thread. Keep it that way.

Thanks.
Admin

[Lynn]

It's odd how self-image works. When I was maybe 10 to 20 lbs over my "ideal" weight, I considered myself to be so unattractive. I hated pictures of myself and was always saying things about how fat I was. Unfortunately, my husband agreed, and he never missed a chance to remind me that I would be so attractive--if I lost weight. At the same time, I was generally depressed and really had no clue that life wasn't supposed to be so grey. I pretty much agreed that I was too heavy, which also equated to being lazy, out of control, and out of touch with myself. Well. That last one was true, except my weight had nothing to do with it.

Now, life is much better. Since I came out, about seven years ago, my new "normal" is damn happy. I'm also a lot heavier. At 5'1", I'm close to 200 lbs. I can't say that I don't struggle with self-acceptance--I do. But, I used to obsess constantly about losing weight. These days, I don't really think about it much. Sometimes, it can't be escaped. For example, I can feel utterly sexy and attractive, and then one hour with my family will have me feeling, well, the opposite. Issues, much? Sure, and so what. My health is OK, although I've been told that I'm prediabetic, which does scare me.

The thing is, I think feeling uncomfortable at times with my weight is not the same thing as hating myself and feeling worthless and unattractive. I don't hate anymore. If a doctor suggests that losing weight will help my health, then I'll take that into consideration without falling into blame and shame. In the main, I feel like a beautiful, expansive, sexy woman. The truth is that *I* am bigger, more expanded, and sexy, as a PERSON. So, this body of mine usually fits perfectly.

[WILDCAT]

HOLY CRIKEY!!!



WHAT PART of "big girl LOVE" of this thread title don't people understand?!

SHIT!

I just nearly had a friggin' heart attack reading some postings here. My goodness! Ya'll get your shit together, please!? (Pleading as a decent human being - not in any moderator sense... Mmm-K?)

Where the heck is the sensitivity? (And LOVE, SHEEEEESH!!!!!!!)

FOR REALZZZZ!!!

WILDCAT

[hippieflowergirl]

tired of Fashion Bug? how about the over expensive-under fashionable Nordstrom/Macys and CJBanks? well heaven forbid we should be limited Avenue or Lame Bryant (no that's not a typo) ever again. blech blech blech.

i like the basics at times...you know...Target, Maurice's, Old Navy On Line. but what about some funky/trendy/crazy/elegant/drop dead sexy/goth/punk/rockabilly/couture/boutique-y kick ass clothes?


***WARNING*** drool alert! drool alert! not only are the clothes pretty cool on some of these sites but the lingerie is to DIE over!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hips & Curves (gather a pile of soft cushy pillows near the computer girls....your lovers are going to fall over when they see this site!)

Plus Size Plum (purrrrrrrr)

Lingerie Diva

Fredericks of Hollywood Plus

Monif C

Hippy Chix Plus

Fashion Overdose (currently requires shoppers to use IE rather than Firefox or Linux but they're updating fast!)

S W A K

Alight (one of my faves...check out the sales...if you're patient you'll never have to pay full price!)

Shop Style (they carry Sweet Pea tops!)

eVogue

B and Lu

DOTs (they carry sizes from 0 to 24)

Silhouettes (not my favorite but i get a few neutral/basic things here sometimes. i think they're trying to transition out of the "OLD" feeling their line has...but they dont seem to be in any hurry.)

Rocawear

One Stop Plus

Chic Star (my fave for goth and rockabilly and vintage styles..often better than Torrid for selection)

Baby Phat

Size Appeal

Missphit

Kiyonna

Igigi (expensive but the sales can be good at times)

Torrid

So What If?

Old Navy Plus (my standby....great for the basics and the sales are out of this world...i recommend checking out the MEN'S cargo shorts every time b'cuz they're really cute on girls AND the MEN'S jeans give you that "i'm wearing my boyfriend's jeans and they slide down on my hips in a sexy way" vs. the OMG these low rider jeans are too much look! cool thing about Old Navy is that the plus size pants often come in "just below the waist" rises making them attractive but not overly revealing. plus sizes are available ON LINE ONLY)


PS Fix

Fat Chance Belly Dance (this one makes the list for a very personal reason. not only is it a great site good for some exotic looking pieces BUT belly dancing is the sexiest and most amazing thing! great work out....lots of history behind traditional belly dancing that shows the curvier you were the better the dance looked AND there are classes everywhere! i teach one called "Belly Dancing for Fat Chicks" and i cant tell you how amazing it is to watch women who have been taught to hate themselves based on something as nonsensical as size COME TO LIFE AND FEEL SEXY!!!!)


anyone want to add more?

[SassyLeo]

Ulla Popken sometimes has cute stuff....it is pricey, so I look at the sales mostly.

[Jet]

She's stunning, Jackhammer. And I'm jealous.

[apretty]

...*leering*

[betenoire]

Originally Posted by June

With that said, Jet. I'm going to offer some "food" for thought. If I moved clear across country to be with someone sight unseen and then clearly didn't like what I saw, but decided to go with it, they might just see that and take a hike. Maybe it wouldn't be them, maybe, it would be me. No one wants to be loved "In spite of", everyone just wants to be loved.

This deserved to be repeated.

[WolfyOne]

I really enjoy reading this thread and I enjoyed posting until I saw many posts picked apart in a negative way. I think if someone has a serious problem with a post, take it to PM. I adore, admire and love big girls. Couldn't and wouldn't live without them in this life. Watching them show off their beauty makes me smile for many reasons. Anyhow, the reason for this post...I will continue to read and watch this thread flourish with positivity but the likeliness of me posting here again won't happen. I hate when someone comes along and tries really hard to put words in my mouth for me. I want nothing but the best for this site and I promised myself I wouldn't jump on others without privately asking them questions if I didn't get their post. I can see if this was in the Red Zone, but it's not. I want to be able to enjoy myself and others that post without worry. If I offend someone and I'm wrong, I'll be the first to apologize otherwise, you'll never hear those words from me.

Oh and for those that don't personally know me, I consider myself to be chunky, about 40-50 pounds overweight for my height. I'm good with who I am and it doesn't matter what others think. I hope all of you are good with who you are, no matter what others think or say.

Enjoy the thread ladies and gents, I'll kick back and keep reading.

[Lady Jewel]

Youre more than entitled to your opinions. But why dont you state them in the appropriate thread? Just sayin.
People are getting offended in here and righteously so. The INTENT of this thread was to honor our "Big" "Fluffy" "Chubby" "Succulent" "Thick" "Rubenesque" "Fat" (Get my point yet???) sisters. Of which I am one.
Is it so phuking unimaginable to have thread for us bigger girls where we are honored for who we are, and not picked apart?? Dont you think that we get enough crap every single day that we walk this planet because we dont fit into societys definitition of whats beautiful??
And if that to you is an "agenda", well, then my big fat self has a HUGE one as well. And if this comes off as my being annoyed, then fait acompli.

Jewel

Originally Posted by Sachita

wow I'm sorry grossed you out. You certainly do
have an agenda and like to read into things. Thats cool. I'm not interested in drama.

I do however want to feel comfortable to state my opinions and dont want to feel like I have to walk on egg shells to try and explain myself.

[Lady Jewel]

*Bump* Cuz I kinda like this thread

[Inuus]

yes agreed gotta love this thread

Originally Posted by Lady Jewel

*Bump* Cuz I kinda like this thread

[hippieflowergirl]

Originally Posted by Jackhammer

Bump

YOWZA!

i want to be that beautiful when i grow up!

[hippieflowergirl]

Originally Posted by Ol' Jet

I want to tell you a story. I met someone I came to fall love with on line. We were on the phone 24/7 for 6 months while I lived in Colorado with my family. We talked about everything—and I mean everything to get to know each other.

I had never grown to love anyone or be so enamored with a woman until I met her. Trust me when I tell you I was completely carried away by her southern charm, her voice, her eloquence, and presence. I loved everything about her—that certain southern sexiness being from Atlanta; her views on life, and her intelligence. I loved the way she thought and most of all, how she responded to me as a transman. She was absolutely the kind of woman I could ever hope to be in love with. And I grew to love her, sight unseen except for a few pictures she sent. As time went on, I wanted her to the point of marriage and for her to be the one to kiss me goodbye for the last time—as my life partner.

Our relationship was based on trust— no stone was unturned about our lives, families and our experiences even as far back as childhood. We laughed and cried and shared over and over. Many times we talked about our health being in our 50s—our weight, exercise and
diets. When she sent her pictures she was heavy set and she told me they were out of date and that she was on a diet because she was determined to lose weight. I gave her kudos and encouraged her to keep going. She said she was 40 pounds within her goal, and to me, that was nothing.

She had planned to come to Denver to meet me, and it always failed because of something on her end or mine—logistically is just never happened.

Meantime I had sent her my art and she told me that I needed to be in Atlanta, and that she, herself, being in the corporate world had never seen designs as inventive or of the same level or caliber. She had opened the door for me in thinking of Atlanta as a career move instead of Denver. Naturally, being crazy about her, I came to Atlanta.

Since we had never met in person beforehand, we made a pact and promised each other that if for some reason, we didn’t hit it off or it didn’t work, we would be great friends because we liked each other and had so much in common. So what did I have to lose?

I landed in Atlanta and she picked me up at the airport. I was excited, nervous and I couldn’t wait to meet her.

When she pulled up and got out of the car, she looked as though she more like 140 pounds within her goal not 40; she was obese and much heavier than her pictures. I won’t lie to you, I was floored. I had on sunglasses and she asked me to take them off because she “knew” I would be blown away and she wanted to see my expression. I took them off, kissed her, hugged her and didn’t flinch once. What blew me away the most was that she wasn’t anywhere near the person she sounded like.

But I handled it and this is how:

First, I fell in love with her, not her weight. I fell in love with an incredible woman filled with poise, intelligence, grace and an unspeakable presence that draws you to her. As I collected myself more and more throughout that day, I felt that weight could be dealt with and that it really was secondary in the scheme of falling in love and wanting to marry her. At the same time, I also felt I had made the biggest mistake of my life coming to Atlanta to be with her because she had misrepresented herself. I struggled with my feelings because I felt split down the middle. But I believe in honoring what I say and I was determined to give things a chance and eventually decide between the two of us if things were going to work out.

We had made a promise that if it didn’t work out we would remain friends. Besides, being with her, her weight never once overshadowed her demeanor or the qualities that had attracted me to her.

But then came clincher:

We lived apart when I came to Atlanta and so we would spend 4-day weekends at my apartment. The sixth weekend arrived and she left to help her daughter who was in major drama and crisis.

She never returned — not once and without so much as valid explanation.

In emails that followed she said we wouldn’t be a good fit and gave other reasons that never warranted her leaving or the fact that she didn’t want to be friends. When I read them to my friends and family they couldn’t believe it.

I was livid and hurt and on a rollercoaster of feelings that ran the full gamut.
I was willing to see it through and she walked out on me. Forget the weight. She completed destroyed the image I had of her as a woman of integrity. Talk about stunned? She left me in a strange town, no car, no bearings or direction, no help and no real explanation. Remember, I’m a trauma survivor which she knew about. So the shock of leaving me almost sent me over the edge; she could have killed me. The poetry in my thread, The Dancer of Atlanta, are about her with the exception of Rio Rio and
Rocket 88.

So you talk about big girl love? She was a big girl who was loved and never even knew how much.

what if the perspective on this story was told from the fat girl's side?

i've waited a few days to respond to this and tried to read and re-read so that i understood. i know that i have only my perspective. i know that the intent of this post is to relay a personal experience. i also know that it really triggered some painful feelings in me. that's on me. my feelings are mine and no one is responsible or accountable for personal feelings except for the person to whom they belong.

Jet...you are someone of whom others think well, a reputation that i'm sure is well deserved. you are kind to many and patient with several and you have the heart and soul of an artist...something which makes you able to see beauty in all things. but the words highlighted in red above are meant to call out the ways in which i find your post hurtful and derogatory. i'm positive that you dont think of them that way. i hope you will consider looking at them from another point of view.

in no way do i think anyone should lie about their intentions or feelings regarding their relationship or friendships. i dont think that breaking up via email is acceptable when it's possible to talk face-to-face. but i dont think that anything happens in a vacuum.

many of us are trauma survivors. it's not anyone else's responsibility to put our needs ahead of their own, trauma or not. i am sincerely sorry that you were hurt and let down. i dont imagine that your Southern Belle was perfectly happy though, otherwise there was no reason for her to break off contact with you. i suspect that she felt let down as well. i have to wonder if some of your disappointment in her weight was obvious to her. did she feel rejected by you because you felt the things you wrote above? you meant them as accepting...but they arent necessarily so. i found them very wounding and even bordering on offensive. because i believe in my heart of hearts that you didnt mean them that way, i choose not to indulge the feelings of offense. but they're still hurtful in the same ways that comments like this have been damaging to most people who dont conform to a cultural ideal of weight for as long as we can remember.

you say she was the sort of woman that you could love forever, but then you were shaken in your belief by her physical presence. how could you have expected to hide that? i promise you, she knew it. you said no stone was left unturned in your discussions on the phone. did you tell her that if she weighed more than you thought she did you would be disappointed? you said she gave no "valid" reason for your breakup.

how do you know that? you dont understand how she felt. that's obvious because you label her reasoning for breaking up with you as invalid. worse, you place all of the reasons for disappointment (and nobility) squarely in your court. it's as though she had absolutely no reason to break up with you. and yet she did. so, is she insane? did she not fail to understand how grateful she should be that you were willing to "handle" your feelings about her weight? you said that your relationship was based on trust and that you thought she was a person of integrity. she trusted you too. you were obviously disappointed in her looks when you met. how could she trust you after that? how could she believe in you...in your integrity...after a moment like that?

she said she was 40 pounds within her goal but you thought she looked like she needed to lose 140? what was her goal? was it incremental? i dont want to lose 50 pounds. i want to lose 5 pounds. when i lose it, then i want to lose 5 more. some people want the milestone...not the final number. i have a pal who wants to weigh less than 200 pounds and so his goal is 199.

a lot of people look like they weigh more or less than they do. that perception changes with what we wear, whether or not we have good posture (that's a biggie actually) and our moods. that applies to all body sizes and shapes. she told you her photos were out of date and she weighed more at that time then she did in them. you werent left in the dark and you lead your reader to believe that at one point it made no difference to you what she weighed. your words go on to prove that this isnt true.

this woman believed that you were attracted to WHO she was. you said so to us, so i imagine you said so to her as well. imagine her dread when she saw the disappointment in your expression. everything she believed about you was shaken to its core....maybe because you were "floored" by her body size.

you say she was "obese". according to the 7th edition of the columbia medical encyclopedia (2008), obesity is defined as being 20% over one's ideal body weight. they note the "maximum appropriate weight" for my height as 159 pounds. that means that i'm obese at 190.8 pounds. i love that definition of obesity!!!

you hugged her and didnt flinch?

really?

again....was she supposed to be grateful for that?

it sounds as though you had to exert a lot of effort not to be disgusted by her. if i can feel that message in your words, she definitely felt it in the energy of your actual presence. saying you didnt "flinch" at her size makes it sound as though 1) you had any reason to and 2) that she should be grateful you didnt also scream, vomit...and run.

she wasnt the person she "sounded" like?

her weight made her less intelligent? less charming? less the beautifully composed and delightful woman you fell in love with on the phone? how so? how did her weight detract from her character? if she lied to you...then she's a liar. that has nothing to do with weight. and, i might venture to guess, that she probably felt rejected because of weight before meeting you. lying about weight isnt the greatest way to make sure that rejection never happens again...but it's certainly not uncommon....and not unexpected given the "i didnt even flinch" attitude of our peers.

you "handled" the discovery that she was fatter than you expected? this is one of the most painful things i've ever heard coming from a guy. it sounds as though you want to be congratulated for taking control of the sudden and complete abhorrence you felt for the woman you wanted to marry. i hope no one ever "handles" their feelings with regard to my looks. if i ever discover that someone finds me so wholly unacceptable because of the way i look, but has elected to "handle" their feelings, i'll issue them their walking papers so fast they wont have time to take a single breath between meeting and departure...because THEY wont be good enough for ME.

you collected yourself throughout the day? my god how horrible this must have been. for her. to watch you go through this agonizing process of trying to come to terms with the fact that she wasnt good looking enough for you must have been one of the most painful things she ever experienced...since she had believed up until that point that you loved her deeply. you felt her weight was secondary to falling in love and getting married. so it was on your agenda to do something about? what if she had been perfectly happy with her size? would you have refused to marry her?

you felt that you made the biggest mistake of your life going to atlanta to be with the woman who was, to all appearances, your soul mate because she appeared to be larger than you expected?

that must have hurt so much Jet! it must have hurt her so very much to discover that you, someone she trusted and believed in and cherished, looking down on her because of her weight...you the guy she thought she could trust to see her...really see her...and love her, not in spite of her size, but because it didnt matter what her size was as long as she was actually the intelligent, charming, funny, compassionate, interesting, composed woman she showed you that she was. imagine her pain at discovering that you werent certain she was worth the trip because she wasnt a particular size or shape.

it took her 6 weeks before she gave up on your relationship. your doubt took over the moment you met her. she never had a chance with you.

she was right Jet. it wouldnt have been a good fit. you're better off loving a woman who doesnt require you to control your aversion in order to touch her or consider the issue her looks something that needs to be handled.

just a different take on the story

[Random]

Because it's got the blue plate dresses.. and I love the blue plate dresses..

http://www.alight.com/index.html

[hippieflowergirl]

Originally Posted by Ms Cyn

Because it's got the blue plate dresses.. and I love the blue plate dresses..

http://www.alight.com/index.html

ooooooh! i LOVE blue plate!



alight.com is one of my FAVORITE shopping websites! i love their sales! there's always something i want and sometimes just waiting a few weeks means even lower prices!



do you think we have enough people for a fan club?

[Lady Jewel]

Just went and peeked. Awesome

Originally Posted by Ms Cyn

Because it's got the blue plate dresses.. and I love the blue plate dresses..

http://www.alight.com/index.html