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Old 03-13-2013, 10:21 PM   #1
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Question Too much honesty?

I got this thread topic idea from another thread I'm participating in.

You often hear, "Honesty is the best policy" but is it really? Is there a such thing as too much honesty in a relationship?

Here's where I'm coming from:

I'm a person with Asperger's syndrome. Since childhood, I've always been incredibly blunt and I never quite understood the concept of "time and place". If something is wrong, I point it out and try to "fix" it right away before it festers like an open sore. That's the core of who I am. Now, having said that, I've learned recently about this thing called "gesturing". That, in order to be in a successful relationship there has to be a lot of what I consider a "special type of lying" in order to maintain that relationship.

For example:
  • Arguments - Do you aplogize when you know you're not wrong?
  • Attraction - Do you deny that someone or something else caught your eye for a just moment when asked?
  • Sexual Satisfaction - Do you fake it or are you honest?
  • Breath/Body Odor - Do you say something or live with it?
  • Friends - Would you tell your partner if you didn't like one their friends or just grin and bear it?

These are sensitive topics for people in committed relationships and I've only found, through trial and error, that sometimes it is considered "best" to tell white lies about these things and avoid honesty to keep the relationship in smooth-sailing waters.

Since I know most people who will respond to this thread have neurotypically-wired brains, I don't expect that posters will see things the way I see them (black and white) but I'm very curious about the overall idea of gesturing and how it is used (or if it is used) in your relationship.

Are you completely blunt and honest with each other all of the time? Is there a time when being too honest might seriously damage the relationship? Or do you think letting too many things "go" in a relationship will end up in a serious blow-up or break-up?

Where do you, personally, draw the line?
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Old 03-13-2013, 10:47 PM   #2
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Great topic!! I'd like to contribute but need to put some thought behind it first. I am curious about how others will respond. There have been some interesting studies done regarding honesty, white lies and why we do what we do. Might be fun to post the links to a few of them.

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Old 03-13-2013, 11:24 PM   #3
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For me the "delivery" of sensitive information or feedback is important. Blunt is not always received well by highly sensitive people. There is always a kind and loving way to say what needs to be said in a relationship. While the "white lie" to preserve someone's feelings or pride, may work for some, I have found that honesty is the work of clear conscience, honoring ourselves and our partners and also being worthy of the trust that is given in a committed relationship.

Being in a relationship and being lied to is just not fun.

Say what you mean, mean what you say.
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Old 03-13-2013, 11:41 PM   #4
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Great topic!

I'm not in a relationship and since my relationships ended, perhaps I am not the best give advice on any of these topics. I try to be honest without being hurtful. If that makes sense. I have lied to keep the peace and I have told the truth and caused a fight. I don't like who I am when I lie so I really try to be honest without being hurtful.

Arguments - Do you apologize when you know you're not wrong?
Since you used the word arguments and not the word discussions... I will say that I try to apologize for my part in making it an argument. Was I trying to 'win' or I was not listening and only waiting for a chance to give "my side"? Was I trying to look smarter or superior in my opinion? Usually, I have a part in the discussion becoming an arguments and I will apologize for that.

Attraction - Do you deny that someone or something else caught your eye for a just moment when asked?
I have denied it in the past--guilty as charged. But as a Femme, I am not given eye candy very often (there are not enough Butches in this world!!!) so I think I should be given a pass.

Sexual Satisfaction - Do you fake it or are you honest?
I am honest. But it is easy to say that because I haven't had a whole lot of sexual partners (I am a serial monogamist--dagnabbit) and they have all been sexually compatible with me and we could talk about sex. The last person I had sex with was really wonderful and seemed to know my body so well. We didn't end up in a relationship (maybe I am getting away from serial monogamy afterall) but I still think I could have told them if I wasn't satisfied.

Breath/Body Odor - Do you say something or live with it?
If I have just started dating someone, I probably wouldn't say anything. But if it is my partner, I'd say something because I'd assume they'd want to know. Please, please, please, always tell me if I stink! I can fix that!!

Friends - Would you tell your partner if you didn't like one their friends or just grin and bear it?
Oh... such a hard one. I really want to say that I would be honest. But most likely I would grin and bear it for as long as possible if it was a really good friend. Friends are so important. Maybe being so far away from most of my friends, influences this answer.

Again, I am answering these questions as a single person. I'm looking forward to reading more responses. The times I find it hardest to be honest is when I hate a shirt they are wearing and they love it. I just can't bring myself to tell them the truth.

Last edited by SuddenlyWestFemme; 03-13-2013 at 11:46 PM. Reason: Because I can't spell! Can't spell at all!
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Old 03-13-2013, 11:55 PM   #5
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There are a few questions I ask myself when it comes to honesty. Is what I'm about to say necessary? And will it damage the relationship if I do not volunteer this information? Is the revelation of the information necessary for the relationship to continue? For example, I don't volunteer information about my past relationships if I'm not asked. I don't see this as being dishonest, I just don't see what benefit this has to a current relationship. This also holds true for attraction. Being in a relationship doesn't mean that what I found physically attractive before the relationship has changed. It's possible to glimpse someone and think them attractive. Does that mean I'm going to disrespect my partner or the boundaries of our relationship? Of course not. But, is it necessary for me to "confess" this to my partner when no wrongdoing has occurred? Is it necessary for the health and longevity of our relationship? As for some of the other examples the OP posed. Arguments - I don't apologize if I've done nothing wrong. That is patronizing. If I've said something in the heat of an argument that is hurtful, I will apologize. Sexual satisfaction - ALWAYS honest! And I would want my partner to be completely honest with me as well! Why have an issue where there doesn't have to be one? I want my partner to be satisfied (and I would hope that they would want the same for me), so why be coy about it? There is a saying that in a healthy relationship, sex is only 1% of it, but if there is a problem in that area, it becomes 99% of the relationship. I find that to be true...an unsatisfactory sex life can color the rest of the relationship. Breath/Body odor - again, honesty is always the best policy! As my mother used to say "only someone who cares about you will tell you when your face is dirty." Lol. Friends - if I didn't like my partner's friends, I would first carefully examine the reasons WHY I didn't like them. Is it some misguided insecurity or misplaced jealousy on my part? Or is it because they are being disrespectful to me? My answer to this really depends on why the dislike is there in the first place.
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Old 03-13-2013, 11:57 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Girl_On_Fire View Post
got this thread topic idea from another thread I'm participating in.

You often hear, "Honesty is the best policy" but is it really? Is there a such thing as too much honesty in a relationship?

Here's where I'm coming from:

I'm a person with Asperger's syndrome. Since childhood, I've always been incredibly blunt and I never quite understood the concept of "time and place". If something is wrong, I point it out and try to "fix" it right away before it festers like an open sore. That's the core of who I am. Now, having said that, I've learned recently about this thing called "gesturing". That, in order to be in a successful relationship there has to be a lot of what I consider a "special type of lying" in order to maintain that relationship.

For example:
  • Arguments - Do you aplogize when you know you're not wrong?
  • Attraction - Do you deny that someone or something else caught your eye for a just moment when asked?
  • Sexual Satisfaction - Do you fake it or are you honest?
  • Breath/Body Odor - Do you say something or live with it?
  • Friends - Would you tell your partner if you didn't like one their friends or just grin and bear it?

Are you completely blunt and honest with each other all of the time? Is there a time when being too honest might seriously damage the relationship? Or do you think letting too many things "go" in a relationship will end up in a serious blow-up or break-up?
After an argument, we both apologize. Usually, one of us apologizes "more," but arguments never start in a vacuum. We both take responsibility for our part.

As to fleeting attractions, I don't really care enough to ask. I'm pretty sure he'd be honest, as I would to him, but its insignificant.

I don't fake. I'm too selfish.

I wouldn't live with chronic breath or body odor. I'd say something if it was constant.

I'd be honest about my feeling about his friends (we haven't had this issue), but try to be understanding.

As far as total and complete honesty at all times, in all situations, no matter what is a bit tiresome. I don't need to be told every morning I have morning breath. Its assumed I'll brush my teeth. If my favorite dress is a bit tight this month, I'd rather he didn't point it out. However, if my new dress makes me look like a Victorian lampshade, I'd want to know that.

In general, I think the key word is blunt vs. honest. Some couples can handle a lot of blunt, some couples can handle a little blunt. I think honesty is always good, but honest and tack is better. But I have a dear friend who thrives in her relationship because he tells it to her straight, no sugar. The objective is to find that right balance.
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Old 03-14-2013, 12:23 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sun View Post
Blunt is not always received well by highly sensitive people.
Or just people, whether they be highly sensitive or medium sensitive.

Other random thoughts about the topic:
There can be a thin line between blunt and rude. A case could be made that forms of emotional abuse begin with brutally cruel "honesty." However the honesty is applied, it should always be respectful.
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Old 03-14-2013, 12:45 AM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Girl_On_Fire View Post
I got this thread topic idea from another thread I'm participating in.

You often hear, "Honesty is the best policy" but is it really? Is there a such thing as too much honesty in a relationship?

Here's where I'm coming from:

I'm a person with Asperger's syndrome. Since childhood, I've always been incredibly blunt and I never quite understood the concept of "time and place". If something is wrong, I point it out and try to "fix" it right away before it festers like an open sore. That's the core of who I am. Now, having said that, I've learned recently about this thing called "gesturing". That, in order to be in a successful relationship there has to be a lot of what I consider a "special type of lying" in order to maintain that relationship.

For example:
  • Arguments - Do you aplogize when you know you're not wrong?
  • Attraction - Do you deny that someone or something else caught your eye for a just moment when asked?
  • Sexual Satisfaction - Do you fake it or are you honest?
  • Breath/Body Odor - Do you say something or live with it?
  • Friends - Would you tell your partner if you didn't like one their friends or just grin and bear it?

These are sensitive topics for people in committed relationships and I've only found, through trial and error, that sometimes it is considered "best" to tell white lies about these things and avoid honesty to keep the relationship in smooth-sailing waters.

Since I know most people who will respond to this thread have neurotypically-wired brains, I don't expect that posters will see things the way I see them (black and white) but I'm very curious about the overall idea of gesturing and how it is used (or if it is used) in your relationship.

Are you completely blunt and honest with each other all of the time? Is there a time when being too honest might seriously damage the relationship? Or do you think letting too many things "go" in a relationship will end up in a serious blow-up or break-up?

Where do you, personally, draw the line?


I love this thread; it's a great topic.

I am blunt at times also, without realizing so until it's too late. I also am a 'fixer' by nature and want to address things before they fester. My partner thinks this is overrated and unnecessary. Her favorite response is, "If it's not broken, it doesn't need fixing."
  • Arguments - Do you aplogize when you know you're not wrong? I always apologize for my part in the argument, whatever that may be, even if I am right about the argument topic. It takes 2 to argue. I love being right. But, I love learning more. I don't apologize for repeatedly bringing up a topic that we eventually argue over if it's something important to me or to the relationship.

  • Attraction - Do you deny that someone or something else caught your eye for a just moment when asked? I don't deny it when I was momentarily paying attention to something else at the expense of ignoring her. I do not even consider others in a romantic way, so that's not an issue for me. If someone catches her eye, I don't want to know.

  • Sexual Satisfaction - Do you fake it or are you honest? I don't fake it. If something was not okay to me or not as thrilling for me, I will at a later time bring up the topic to discuss. I don't fake orgasms or fake being turned on or tuned in.

  • Breath/Body Odor - Do you say something or live with it? Everyone has morning breath or not so fresh breath after eating some things (garlic, etc.). I don't share my distaste for that. We are human. Body odor is hard to ignore for me. But, I don't seem to have that issue with my partner. In past relationships, I never said anything either, but it was not chronic.

  • Friends - Would you tell your partner if you didn't like one their friends or just grin and bear it? I respect my partner's choice in friends, even if I would not choose them for myself. I would never mention my dislike of her friend unless it was a matter of her getting hurt or something unethical happening. But, I can't imagine this would ever be the case.


I would say she is more honest in that she says pretty much what she thinks uncensored. I censor what I say to deliver it as best I can. I am not always successful at that, especially if I have not had time to think on it before I say something. I think total and unabashed honesty is unnecessary and harmful to a positive relationship. There is a grey area or middle ground where you address what is important and accept those things not so important, as blush mentioned. It's determining where issues lie on that spectrum that is so difficult, for me.

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Old 03-14-2013, 01:22 AM   #9
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I would not apologize when I know I'm right, but there have been times when I knew I was right and I was actually wrong. I think we all have had that experience. With that in mind I think it's important to focus on word choices and empathy for the person you care about even when you're in the midst of an argument.

It's not likely that anyone else would catch my eye, but if that happened I think I would be honest. I personally don't like it when someone tries to deny what is perfectly obvious. It's insulting on so many levels. It's better to be honest about that sort of thing.

Sexual satisfaction is something everyone should be honest about with their partner. My idea of honesty is not saying whatever mean comment pops into your head. If you care about someone you ask how they feel and tell them how you think things could be better. Yes, it's good to be honest but not mean.

Breath and body odor is an interesting subject. I suppose you could tell them how you love it when they smell fresh and clean from the shower and you could consistently bring up the subject of hygiene but apply it to yourself until they get the point. That would be a really tough situation.

I would probably say so right away if I didn't like a friend. There would have to be a valid reason is and I would focus on that reason and be honest that 'no I don't like your friend who ignores me and flirts with you.' That's the way I am. I don't claim to be the most mature person in the world, but we all have our limits, strengths and weaknesses.
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Old 03-14-2013, 02:15 AM   #10
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I too like the idea of this thread and it actually addresses some things that have baffled me as well. I am not diagnosed with Aspergers but I have at times gotten lost in the ways of relating to other humans.

I am a confusing to myself because many times people have told me how sensitive I am and how they feel so comfortable telling me things, or they appreciate how I can read into them and know just what to say.

And yet, other times, I am accused of being totaly insensitive, of not honing in on what someone wants from a conversation/discussion and sliding right over an obvious declaration (verbal or non verbal) of need.

I know both are true. But why is it I can be so sleuthy in regard to one person or discussion and so thick in regard to another?

so I HAVE been pondering this and this is what I know to be true of me:

I can be soft in my approach. The softness usually comes into play when I am in need to protect the other person. But soft doesnt mean hesitant. I am still blunt, just softer about it. It was one of my best styles of communication with my clients as a therapist. I could get the message across, but with a embrace of safety and acceptance from me as well.

However, I havent been a therapist in a long time.

I spend alot of my time angry. Most of it has to do with being hurt. I am working on this and it has gotten much better. I have found that I can be pretty blunt when something about someone provokes this ember of anger within me.

so thats one way I am blunt and I am aware of this.

but there are other times when I get called on the carpet for being insensitive, too blunt, and I am just dumbfounded. I "thought" I was sensitive. Or at least aware and in tune to the person, not laying in on him or her, but relaying my message. And in these cases, I am so lost, I cant even tell you what I am doing, in order for me to explain what has happened. I dont know what has happened! Its only afterwards, when I am told, that I become aware of this insensitivity. In fact, often, I cant even see it after I am told it!

I would like to know if anyone else experiences this. Sometimes, I feel like Sheldon on the Big Bang Theory, as he tries to figure out if someone is joking or serious. Sarcastic or not. A joke or just a statement.

so now that I said all that, I want to answer your questions too:

Arguments - Do you aplogize when you know you're not wrong?
yes. When I cant see when I have been insensitive, and am told I have been, I do apologize. Just because I cant understand why they feel that way, THEY FEEL THAT WAY. and that was not my intent. I do not engage with people to make them feel bad, usually. (sometimes I do want them to feel bad. Call me a bitch. But its an honesty. Piss me off and you will see this side of me. Hurt someone I love and you will see this side of me) So, if I have indeed made someone upset when it wasnt my intent, yes I will apologize. For that. But not for what I needed to say. I will acknowledge I could have said it a different way. And then ask them to help me figure out a way so I can try to do that if there is a next time with them.

Attraction - Do you deny that someone or something else caught your eye for a just moment when asked?
tough one. Some of it depends on the other person, how uncomfortable or insecure they are. This is not a deal breaker for me in regard to relationships. I know too well, the wounded soul. Sometimes people arrive in relationships still hurting from past shit others have done to them and made them insecure and damaged. So if they cant tolerate me appreciating something attractive in another person, I can remain silent about it. However, if they continually accuse me of looking at someone else (which i dont do) then it becomes an issue that could be a deal breaker. I can be sensitive about their insecurity but I wont be constantly accused of being technically unfaithful to them. Thats a bigger hole than I want to try to climb out of...

Sexual Satisfaction - Do you fake it or are you honest?


Both. yes, Both. I do not always orgasm. I still enjoy the physical intimacy of sex and can be extremely aroused...but I do not orgasm regularly. It has very little to do with the skill of the other person. (well....maybe...some...) It has to do with my mechanics. (private knowledge and not for public. However, its a physical thing, not a mental one) I am FINE with it. I am up front about it. But oh god, it becomes a challenge with some people. They have to fix me. They have to be the ONE to make me cum. I can be as honest as Abraham, but if I dont fake it sometimes, the other person ends up feeling like shit. I have ended relationships because the other person needed me to cum more than I needed myself to cum. I dont want to have to lie in a relationship. So I end it eventually if the other person cant deal. Thankfully chrissy is just fine about it. While he wishes I could cum all the time (so do I, for that fact), he knows it just aint gonna happen so we relax and have our fun without the pressure. Thank god.

Breath/Body Odor - Do you say something or live with it?

I absolutely say something. And this is one area where people tell me they appreciate my honesty. In fact, in trade school I was elected by my class to be the person to pull someone aside and tell them they had a body or breath odor or their uniform wasnt clean or that their own hair needed more attention. (I was in cosmetology class)

Friends - Would you tell your partner if you didn't like one their friends or just grin and bear it?
sometimes when people get into relationships, their friends arent always happy about it. Suddenly their friend isnt always available to hang out with them as often. Or the dynamic changes when a new person is added to a mix of people who have been friends for years. I had horrible experiences with two past relationships where friends were possessive about the person I was involved with and blatantly worked to break us up. Obviously it worked. LOL. THEY had no problem telling my partners they didnt like me or the relationship. Why wouldnt I say I didnt like them either? In fact, the more dysfunctional they got about me, the worse I became about them. Sad, but true, I actually fell into the whole dysfunctional dynamic.

When I met chrissy, I realized right off the bat, I did not like his best friend. Unlike the past experiences, when I told chrissy this, he didnt try to change my mind or defend his friend, or accuse me of being judgemental. All he said was "oh well". He doesnt need me to adore his friend. I honor and respect their relationship and have grown to even find things I like about his friend. But chrissy didnt need my approval. And I didnt expect him to banish his friend from our life. His simple and mature acceptance of my feelings kept it from blowing out of proportion.

Now, do I white lie? Of course I do. Everyone does. However, if I have to do it alot in a relationship, something isnt working right. Some balance of power is askew. I cant even come up with a good example of a white lie with chrissy. That is indicative of how few times I resort to this. White lies should be in the parameter of harmless. If they are in the danger zone of harmful, they arent white lies. They are building blocks for a fort of deception.

I will tell you that chrissy is appreciatively blunt with everyone and everything. And not stupidly so. He has a measurement of honesty in everything he says. And intelligence. The man is super smart and credible in his assessments of people and life. I trust in his words. He calls me on my shit all the time. and not in a derogatory manner. As my submissive, he is very humble regarding his service to me. It would be an afront to him, to lie to me about myself. When he addresses me in regard to honesty, it is with reverence. Yet, he pulls no punches. He has an incredible way of worshiping me, with candor. He will not lie to me to save me from feeling hurt. I HATE when people do that. It is one of the top ten sins someone can do to to me. (I can still remember one of my exes telling me she didnt tell me she was unhappy in our relationship because she didnt want to hurt me...but she cheated on me and left me for the other woman. Guess I got hurt anyways, right? She lied to me to spare my feelings then hurt me worse than telling me the truth would have hurt me.) When chrissy tells me something, I am told it with love. Regardless of what it is, its always the truth. And I trust in that. Others might not be able to handle his level of truth. Its one of the main reasons I could fall in love with him.
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Old 03-14-2013, 08:28 AM   #11
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Or just people, whether they be highly sensitive or medium sensitive.

Other random thoughts about the topic:
There can be a thin line between blunt and rude. A case could be made that forms of emotional abuse begin with brutally cruel "honesty." However the honesty is applied, it should always be respectful.
Excellent points. Perhaps I should have used the term "sensitive" with no qualifier. As for the line into emotional abuse, a partner who is sensitive should know at what point a comment is going to hurt or offend. If two people have formed an intimate bond, understanding the emotional sensitivity of the person that they have bonded with is important to the health of the relationship.

I agree, comments made in honesty should always be respectful. A good tip for those of us who are single and or dating, listen to how the person who you are getting to know delivers information not just to you but to others in their life. Listen to what they find amusing, how they relate to people that they care about and how they like to communicate. Pay attention to how they handle feedback at work, within a family structure, or in a classroom.

Can they process feedback and integrate it into something useful or are they always offended? Do they rise to a challenge or do they paint themselves as the victim when something goes wrong?

Do they flare up in anger? Do they shut down? Do they remain calm in a stressful situation?

Some of these clues will tell us how they may communicate with us if we are to get involved.

Another thought, as part of the "getting to know each other" process, talk about communication. Be direct about how you communicate and what you need in that realm.
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Old 03-14-2013, 09:08 AM   #12
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If someone says "be honest" and "I can take it" then they must also be prepared to hear it. Folks have said this to me and then walked away absolutely furious with me the minute I opened my mouth.

There are times when I will refrain from honesty if I think it will cause more problems than it will solve. I've also been chastised for this. It's been a bit of a catch 22 in my life at times.

Sometimes, even in the best attempt to be sensitive and compassionate, things are preordained to not go well. I can't control someone's reaction nor am I responsible for it. One approach may work well for some and not others. I won't always be able to determine this in the moment. Some folks we know better than others. Sometimes people have bad days. There are so many things (not necessarily related to the situation at hand) that can influence how honesty is received that it is incumbent on both parties to navigate and negotiate timing in discussing and any hurt feelings that go along with honesty.

My overall philosophy regarding relationships of any kind is rooted in absolute trust. If you and your partner have established a safe environment for discussing sensitive issues than these issues become harmless or are ones which can easily be discussed and resolved.

Just my two cents...

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Old 03-14-2013, 09:31 AM   #13
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I've learned recently about this thing called "gesturing". That, in order to be in a successful relationship there has to be a lot of what I consider a "special type of lying" in order to maintain that relationship.

For example:
  • Arguments - Do you aplogize when you know you're not wrong?
  • Attraction - Do you deny that someone or something else caught your eye for a just moment when asked?
  • Sexual Satisfaction - Do you fake it or are you honest?
  • Breath/Body Odor - Do you say something or live with it?
  • Friends - Would you tell your partner if you didn't like one their friends or just grin and bear it?

Are you completely blunt and honest with each other all of the time? Is there a time when being too honest might seriously damage the relationship? Or do you think letting too many things "go" in a relationship will end up in a serious blow-up or break-up?

Where do you, personally, draw the line?

This is a tough one for me as well, as I am a conflict-avoider. So, I have exactly the opposite problem from you.
  • Arguments - I tend to panic during arguments. I apologize for everything, whether I'm wrong, right, or even if there's nothing to apologize for. This gets a bit annoying, I think. Some people never apologize for anything at all, however. That is also annoying.
    If I could control my emotional brain, I would say NO, never apologize for anything you're not sorry for, but take the time to listen and try to appreciate the other person's perspective before you decide you're not at fault.

  • Attraction - I kind of agree with SuddenlyWest here. I get SO few opportunities to find someone attractive - let me enjoy it for a moment! LOL I don't mind if the person I'm dating finds someone attractive, as long as they don't compare me to said attractive person. I think this is one of those "if asked, be honest" things (the unspoken rule being don't bring it up if not asked!).
  • Sexual Satisfaction - that's a tough one. faking it over and over means you're never going to be satisfied, so not a good idea. faking it once, when you're having an off day and just can't get there, might not be the worst idea. I guess the bottom line is whether they are responsible for your lack of satisfaction (e.g. doing stuff you don't like) or you are (e.g. can't get out of your head long enough to enjoy yourself). If it's them, say something.
  • Odor - OMG please say something! First, because if you had bad odor, you would also want to know. Second, scent is such a strong factor in attraction, you are going to have to address it or your will eventually stop being attracted.
  • Friends - oooo, that's a sticky one. I'd say don't ever insult anyone's friends (or family) unless you've been in the relationship for a LONG time. While it's OK to say how that person relates to you ("Nadia & I don't seem to have much in common." or "Zach's sexist humor kind of annoys me. Why don't you two hang out alone?"), it is NOT OK to attack someone's character who you don't really know. ("Carol is such a loser - why do you hang out with her?") All this will do is drive a wedge between you and your partner.

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Old 03-14-2013, 10:42 AM   #14
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Excellent points. Perhaps I should have used the term "sensitive" with no qualifier. As for the line into emotional abuse, a partner who is sensitive should know at what point a comment is going to hurt or offend. If two people have formed an intimate bond, understanding the emotional sensitivity of the person that they have bonded with is important to the health of the relationship.

I agree, comments made in honesty should always be respectful. A good tip for those of us who are single and or dating, listen to how the person who you are getting to know delivers information not just to you but to others in their life. Listen to what they find amusing, how they relate to people that they care about and how they like to communicate. Pay attention to how they handle feedback at work, within a family structure, or in a classroom.

Can they process feedback and integrate it into something useful or are they always offended? Do they rise to a challenge or do they paint themselves as the victim when something goes wrong?

Do they flare up in anger? Do they shut down? Do they remain calm in a stressful situation?

Some of these clues will tell us how they may communicate with us if we are to get involved.

Another thought, as part of the "getting to know each other" process, talk about communication. Be direct about how you communicate and what you need in that realm.
I would ask who quantifies 'sensitive'.

I would also ask, respectfully, that you speak from a 'me' and 'I' place rather than a 'those of us who are' or 'you' or 'we' place.


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Old 03-14-2013, 12:46 PM   #15
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•Arguments - Do you aplogize when you know you're not wrong? I will never apologize for being right, but I might apologize for blowing up or becoming irrational---I have BPD so my reactions can be overblown if caught off-guard.
•Attraction - Do you deny that someone or something else caught your eye for a just moment when asked? Neither one of us are a-sexual, we are gonna see other people and notice.
•Sexual Satisfaction - Do you fake it or are you honest? Always honest, why bother otherwise?
•Breath/Body Odor - Do you say something or live with it? Say something in private.
•Friends - Would you tell your partner if you didn't like one their friends or just grin and bear it? Unless that person was doing something harmful to either one of us, I would probably grin and bear it. To each is own....

About honesty...I said above I have BPD, and if she is not honest with me then I begin to see my perceptions as being real, which if unchecked can create a whole bunch of other problems.

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Old 03-14-2013, 01:07 PM   #16
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  • Arguments - Do you aplogize when you know you're not wrong?
    I would apologize for the arguement, but i would never apologize for something that is right.
  • Attraction - Do you deny that someone or something else caught your eye for a just moment when asked?I know people say it is human nature to look, but when i am with someone I only have eyes for them, i cant see myself looking at another person in any romantic way
  • Sexual Satisfaction - Do you fake it or are you honest?I would never fake, you cant fix a problem by pretending it isnt there or covering for someone.
  • Breath/Body Odor - Do you say something or live with it? There are usually simple solutions for this so i would tell the person very gently what the issue is.
  • Friends - Would you tell your partner if you didn't like one their friends or just grin and bear it?If i don't like a person, usually there is something they have said or done that has brought their character down. I would not allow the person I am with to be used or mistreated, so I most certainly would say something if this was occuring.

Some things, although they are truth, hurt to hear. I guess the trick is to say the truth as gently as possible, and of course even the gentlest words hurt then its a sensitive subject.

Sometimes those little white lies can build on top of each other and create a giant thorn.
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Old 03-14-2013, 02:18 PM   #17
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great thread topic!

For me it boils down to this. Simply, you are my friend or my lover because I love and trust you. I expect the truth. Not negotiable. Your opinion matters to me, but it does not have the final say. However i do value it, or i would not have asked. I will apologize in an argument, because what I said was hard to hear and it hurt your feelings, not because I thought I was in the wrong. I'm arguing my point cause I think I'm right, you may change my stand point with your opinion, it has happened if I am in the wrong, I will be the first to admit it.
Personal hygiene issues, I will tell you, quietly, and discretely, and I would want the same. No one likes to be embarrassed or have a situation like that made into spectacle of any sort.
I notice attractive people, ill admit to it, heck ill even point them out so you can enjoy too. There is no shame in saying it, wow she has great hair, or that person is really buff.
Friends, I'm not going to like all your friends and I'm okay with that. I try to keep positive people in my close knit circle, but I won't tell you who you can and cannot be friends with. I won't lie, if asked what I think, but I won't offer my opinion unless asked.
Sometimes the truth can be hurtful, or hard to hear, but I want it, and I give it. Tact and respect in place. Like that old saying rather be hurt with the truth than betrayed with a lie.
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Old 03-14-2013, 02:30 PM   #18
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If someone says "be honest" and "I can take it" then they must also be prepared to hear it. Folks have said this to me and then walked away absolutely furious with me the minute I opened my mouth.
I think it's important for people to qualify "I can take it" with "but I reserve the right to be pissed". At least that how I do it. You can tell me whatever you want, it probably won't get under my skin, if it does it's on me not the person being honest. Chances are if it pisses me of there is some self reflection I'm about to do.

Arguments - Do you apologize when you know you're not wrong?
Yeah no, I have communication skills and I employ them liberally. Seems to stave off this kind of avoidance tactic.

Attraction - Do you deny that someone or something else caught your eye for a just moment when asked? Why would I? Chances are if I think someone is hot or sexy etc. whoever I'm with will too. It's the joy of being and being with a pervert.

Sexual Satisfaction - Do you fake it or are you honest?Life is too short to fake anything especially sex. It should be glorious! If it's not I'm out.

Breath/Body Odor - Do you say something or live with it? Not saying something doesn't do anyone any favors.

Friends - Would you tell your partner if you didn't like one their friends or just grin and bear it? Given that my fiance knows me pretty well if I didn't say anything the lie would be so obvious I may as well have. If I don't like someone there is a good reason.

Honesty is the best policy and while it causes the occasional bump in the road it's far more problematic to for me when people play along, pretend or avoid conflict. I realize I'm in the minority on this one, I'm good with it.
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Old 03-14-2013, 03:12 PM   #19
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add to the above, cause I couldnt edit.. lol

Sex is like cooking. If you tell me you like it, really like it, you are going to have it every second sunday for the next 50 years.. might as well be honest right up front. I don't fake it, can't really. I will tell you, at the moment, 'Can you do that, or this... ' After the fact, I will even point out, when you did that.. that really rocked my world.. or that really didn't work for me, and be open to discuss further. Everyone likes it a little different, everyone has different experiences and different skill levels, if you don't communicate what you like and don't like, you are setting yourself and your partner up for failure.
People sometimes forget that the negatives are focused on, and a balance of positive needs to be inplace too. 'Those jeans you wore last night, well we almost didnt make it out last night .. *winks*'

In my opinion, in good relationships people talk with one another, in great relationships they communicate, the good the bad and the inbetweens, that is where the bonds are built, structure built on lies, half truths, is like a house of cards.
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Old 03-14-2013, 10:58 PM   #20
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Wow! These are all such great responses. I think, in my own personal experience, I have dated very sensitive people who get offended quite easily. On the other hand, I am one of these same people. Because of my own communication issues and social confusion, I've very often gotten into arguments where it felt as though I was dropped off a cliff and straight into the action. I don't even know how they started or what I did to provoke it! Such is the pitfalls of again, being in relationships with those who are quick to be hurt and/or flare in anger.

I think, as others have said, it truly does depend on the partnership. Some people thrive on bluntness while others are more tactful or may even choose to avoid conflict. I think the key is finding someone whose communication style meshes well with yours. A very sensitive soul is probably not going to do well being in a relationship with somebody who is quick and blunt in their observations. On the other hand, there are other people out there who actually need to be hit over the head with a brick. Definitely to each their own.

These responses have also helped me to see that have never enjoyed healthy, respectful communication in a romantic relationship. Sad, but good to know that this is a possibility in the future. Since my last relationship, which was quite verbally abusive, I've set my expectations a lot higher as I have a greater respect for myself.

Great conversation!

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