Open Letter: Dear Femme

[SuperFemme]

Great post e.

I have found life to have gone down an interesting path since I fell in love with a trans person. People keep trying to relegate me to being a piece of furniture (soffa) and insisting that my label must change. I MUST be straight, look at who I love.

The thing is: I am the same me I have always been.

Hunter
Gatherer
Mother Bear
Sister
Daughter
Friend
Lover
Worker Bee
Busy Bee
Lover of my feminine

I have fought to be seen. To be heard. Without being on the arm of a butch or a trans guy. Suddenly I am again unseen. For who *I* am.

I will not stop fighting to be seen. I will not change the essence of *Me* because of who the Universe sent me to love.

I will keep speaking out. Figuring out. Opening my mind and heart but not changing the core.

I do not exist as a 50%. I am not a half of something.

I am 100%. Me.

1 + ! = 2 and so forth and so on into infinity.

[Bit]

Originally Posted by SuperFemme

The thing is: I am the same me I have always been.

{{{{{{{{{{{Adele}}}}}}}}}}}} Wondered where you were today, sugar!

The line I quoted from your post really surprised me... not that you are the same you, but that I became a different me.

*tilts head* I think before I loved a Transman, I was a smaller me, hedged in with a lot of "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts" that I had learned from other people. I had to expand, to grow--I had to accept my own authority in my life--in order to become the person I was meant to be and to love all the people I was meant to love.

[evolveme]

Originally Posted by SuperFemme

Great post e.

I have found life to have gone down an interesting path since I fell in love with a trans person. People keep trying to relegate me to being a piece of furniture (soffa) and insisting that my label must change. I MUST be straight, look at who I love.

The thing is: I am the same me I have always been.

Hunter
Gatherer
Mother Bear
Sister
Daughter
Friend
Lover
Worker Bee
Busy Bee
Lover of my feminine

I have fought to be seen. To be heard. Without being on the arm of a butch or a trans guy. Suddenly I am again unseen. For who *I* am.

I will not stop fighting to be seen. I will not change the essence of *Me* because of who the Universe sent me to love.

I will keep speaking out. Figuring out. Opening my mind and heart but not changing the core.

I do not exist as a 50%. I am not a half of something.

I am 100%. Me.

1 + ! = 2 and so forth and so on into infinity.

Dear SuperLadypersonFemme,

I cannot possibly even IMAGINE how anyone would ever try to reduce You.

There is no entropy to Femme.

Period.

You are too large and too magical to ever be minimized. And certainly not because of how you have been enlarged through love. How nonsensical.

,

me

[Jet]

Originally Posted by SuperFemme

Great post e.

I have found life to have gone down an interesting path since I fell in love with a trans person. People keep trying to relegate me to being a piece of furniture (soffa) and insisting that my label must change. I MUST be straight, look at who I love.

The thing is: I am the same me I have always been.

Hunter
Gatherer
Mother Bear
Sister
Daughter
Friend
Lover
Worker Bee
Busy Bee
Lover of my feminine

I have fought to be seen. To be heard. Without being on the arm of a butch or a trans guy. Suddenly I am again unseen. For who *I* am.

I will not stop fighting to be seen. I will not change the essence of *Me* because of who the Universe sent me to love.

I will keep speaking out. Figuring out. Opening my mind and heart but not changing the core.

I do not exist as a 50%. I am not a half of something.

I am 100%. Me.

1 + ! = 2 and so forth and so on into infinity.

Bravo to this post, but I don't understand how femmes are relagated or unseen in any manner. At this sir's house they are the most beautiful, prominent, powerful creatures on earth. Maybe someday, one might love me. I wonder what that would feel like. Empowerment? It certainly doesn't come from my masculinity.

[SuperFemme]

Originally Posted by Ol' Jet

Bravo to this post, but I don't understand how femmes are relagated or unseen in any manner. At this sir's house they are the most beautiful, prominent, powerful creatures on earth. Maybe someday, one might love me. I wonder what that would feel like. Empowerment? It certainly doesn't come from my masculinity.

Femme's experience invisibility every time they step out into the world alone
Without being on the arm of somebody, we are not counted, not noticed.
When we ARE noticed there are several different things that can happen.

We get told we should just be with men or that we are pretending to be with men.

We get dismissed because we *pass*.

It's like coming out over and over and over again. It can be different every time. Say we date a trans person? We get told we are straight. As if OUR identity (once again) is entrenched in who we love. Date another Femme and we are told we are not "Real Femmes".

So yes, we are relegated to the back of the line. To the closet. To the hetero world

[Jet]

Originally Posted by SuperFemme

Femme's experience invisibility every time they step out into the world alone
Without being on the arm of somebody, we are not counted, not noticed.
When we ARE noticed there are several different things that can happen.

We get told we should just be with men or that we are pretending to be with men.

We get dismissed because we *pass*.

It's like coming out over and over and over again. It can be different every time. Say we date a trans person? We get told we are straight. As if OUR identity (once again) is entrenched in who we love. Date another Femme and we are told we are not "Real Femmes".

So yes, we are relegated to the back of the line. To the closet. To the hetero world

I'm sorry, I had no idea that femmes were treated this way. It's very alien to me considering how I regard femmes. Thanks for responding.

[Jet]

Originally Posted by June

Hi, Jet --

Read us and listen to us all the way through, and you will have a much better understanding, I promise. So many voices in this thread already and I'm even behind. Remember, you are welcome to participate and comment here, but a blanket "I don't understand" followed by how things are in your house is not indicative that you're fully listening yet. I will leave it to SuperFemme to reply to you or not. Perhaps the thread OP, evolveme may do so as well.

--June

Sorry if I mis-spoke or didn't perceive right. I caught "relegated" and "unseen" in perusing this fast. I'll sit back now. Thanks, June

[Words]

Clothes swap.

Oakland.

Realization.

Dressed up, we are beautiful.

But in bra and panties, thrown in a room together? AND...not a butch in sight?

We're fucking awesome.

[Venus007]

Does it make me a wicked femme because this gives me dark dirty thoughts?

Originally Posted by Words

Clothes swap.

Oakland.

Realization.

Dressed up, we are beautiful.

But in bra and panties, thrown in a room together? AND...not a butch in sight?

We're fucking awesome.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Originally Posted by Words

Clothes swap.

Oakland.

Realization.

Dressed up, we are beautiful.

But in bra and panties, thrown in a room together? AND...not a butch in sight?

We're fucking awesome.

Dear Femme's,

I can't wait to experience this feeling of bonding with ya'll

Excited and Nervous,

Snow

[blush]

And can I just say that the dialogue in this thread is some of the best I've read in a longlong time. I love femme brains.

[Diva]

Originally Posted by blush

And can I just say that the dialogue in this thread is some of the best I've read in a longlong time. I love femme brains.

Here.
<hands blush a fork>

[apretty]

Originally Posted by evolveme

In the last week, here and elsewhere, heated discussions have arisen as to the overwhelming male-centric nature of our on-line spaces, our communities. We have come into those discussions to address this concern, always as a voice of support. Support for those who feel challenged (trans and male-id’d people). Support for those who feel unseen (women-identified butches).

does anyone else feel that her personal 'femme' is being abused (under-appreciated) when we're accused of being less-than supportive (or of blatant misogyny)?

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by apretty

does anyone else feel that her personal 'femme' is being abused (under-appreciated) when we're accused of being less-than supportive (or of blatant misogyny)?

Kind of yes, when all the conversation seems to be about being supportive, making sure everyone feels OK about themselves.

We co-dependently try to please everyone and maybe lose ourselves in the midst?

Is that what you mean?

[apretty]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

Kind of yes, when all the conversation seems to be about being supportive, making sure everyone feels OK about themselves.

We co-dependently try to please everyone and maybe lose ourselves in the midst?

Is that what you mean?

i don't fancy myself co-dependent (tho i've read the books and can highly relate to lots of the markers of co-dependency. ha) but i do feel that, personally, my 'femme' is being wrongfully 'accused'--and i'm thinking on that, why i feel defensive/protective and why i can't necessarily hear the part about how 'femme' has played a role in creating a male-centric environment here/elsewhere. whatever that's about, i find myself resisting it/not wanting to take on that responsibility...

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by apretty

i don't fancy myself co-dependent (tho i've read the books and can highly relate to lots of the markers of co-dependency. ha) but i do feel that, personally, my 'femme' is being wrongfully 'accused'--and i'm thinking on that, why i feel defensive/protective and why i can't necessarily hear the part about how 'femme' has played a role in creating a male-centric environment here/elsewhere. whatever that's about, i find myself resisting it/not wanting to take on that responsibility...

This resonates with me. I am pretty unclear on how we personally have been responsible for this. In my mind I see myself going in the other direction (against the grain) quite a bit. Pushing the use of Female pronouns (for those who prefer them) No "you are boy so you do this automatically and I am the girl so these are my duties" kind of thing. Saying "no Cynthia likes to be called Cynthia, not Sydney or Chris to make you feel more comfortable".

Do you think it was meant in general? or that each and every one of us has contributed? Or is it kind of like racism and we are all implicated? Its the system and there is no escape?

[Arwen]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

This resonates with me. I am pretty unclear on how we personally have been responsible for this. In my mind I see myself going in the other direction (against the grain) quite a bit. Pushing the use of Female pronouns (for those who prefer them) No "you are boy so you do this automatically and I am the girl so these are my duties" kind of thing. Saying "no Cynthia likes to be called Cynthia, not Sydney or Chris to make you feel more comfortable".

Do you think it was meant in general? or that each and every one of us has contributed? Or is it kind of like racism and we are all implicated? Its the system and there is no escape?

Okay. I'm going to take a stab at this one.

I think "we" have been responsible for the inherent misogyny when "we" do, as a whole, enhance the masculine over the feminine. I put "we" in quotes because I want to make the distinction that I see this as a groupthink thing.

I think that there are those of us who do not do this within our own partnerships or even our own communities, but I wonder if "we" are able to speak our truth when confronted with this in other people's relationships.

(PLEASE NOTE that this example has utterly no bearing in fact and I am using two people whom I know and suspect will not be offended by their starring roles in this example. Again, I have NEVER witnessed this behaviour from them...are we clear?)

For instance, let's say I was at a party where Goofy and Blush were. I saw Goofy interrupt Blush while she was involved with some other femmes in some intense discussion. Goofy called out to Blush (let's assume he didn't even get up) and said, "Get me a beer."

Now let's further assume that Blush excused herself from the conversation to get Goofy his beer without so much as an exasperated look or a menacing glare.

IF I saw that and did not say anything to either one of them would I:

A: Be respecting the dynamic of their relationship?
B: Be complacently approving of the inherent misogyny?

And, while I'm on this subject, why would that scenario be wrong but a reverse of it (Blush interrupting Goofy) possibly not have the same impact?

To me, that would be participating in creating a male-centric environment.

[evolveme]

Originally Posted by apretty

does anyone else feel that her personal 'femme' is being abused (under-appreciated) when we're accused of being less-than supportive (or of blatant misogyny)?

This is a really good question, Pretty.

I'm struggling in that I can't say yes, I personally feel that my 'femme' is being abused, per say, when we're accused of blatant misogyny (or not supporting), but it does feel spurious to me. If we have our own opinions, and strong ones, as to why it isn't necessary to support, or even to engage in a way that may feel contrary to support, being accused of misogyny is too easy an ad hominem attack. And I do feel it is one.

Explain to me, and respectfully if you can, why you believe my opinions have shut you down (because it is never my intention to shut anyone down), and how they hold up a dynamic of 'male-over.' Because I assure you that I am too thoughtful, too self-and-other-considered to allow this dynamic to be my invisible truth.

What is outwardly and obviously true for me is that I stand for all of us. I fight for ALL of us, not just my own kind.

[evolveme]

Originally Posted by June

Dear, e
I get my power internally, rather than from outside sources.

My Femme does not rely on who I fuck or partner with. My Femme feeds and clothes herself and often even opens her own doors. She does not need to trample or dominate others (Unless they want it and ask nicely) in order to feel whole.

She is not envious of others, but she is a bitch when crossed and her love spreads wide for all people, even when her legs don't. She's also a Libra on the cusp of Virgo, which can be dangerous for the disengenuous and dishonest.

My Femme doesn't always spell very well either. And she tends to use a lot of ambiguous apostrophe's when she's not sure.

My Femme likes your Femme a whole lot and learns new things from her all the damn time. Especially once she took you off ignore.

In The Struggle to be heard and witnessed,

June

Dear June,

I never once doubted (and who could have) the fucking majesty that is You (even if you did have me on ignore).

Clearly you understand the secret to being your own powerhouse and knowing when and how to share that power in a way that does not ever diminish you. Thank the Great Poodle for that, sister.

Your role in the great scheme may just be one of Check & Balance. For that, you have to overcome a lot of people's bullshit, don't you? Well and we need more strong motherfucking women like you.

And, hey, your stray apostrophe's don't bother me a damn bit. If only I could figure out the meaning to those obnoxious acronyms.

Heard and witnessed,

e

[SuperFemme]

Originally Posted by June

Dear, e
I get my power internally, rather than from outside sources.

My Femme does not rely on who I fuck or partner with. My Femme feeds and clothes herself and often even opens her own doors. She does not need to trample or dominate others (Unless they want it and ask nicely) in order to feel whole.

She is not envious of others, but she is a bitch when crossed and her love spreads wide for all people, even when her legs don't. She's also a Libra on the cusp of Virgo, which can be dangerous for the disengenuous and dishonest.

My Femme doesn't always spell very well either. And she tends to use a lot of ambiguous apostrophe's when she's not sure.

My Femme likes your Femme a whole lot and learns new things from her all the damn time. Especially once she took you off ignore.

In The Struggle to be heard and witnessed,

June

Dear Daddy June,

The day I met you I was swept away by the power of You.

My swiss cheese of a brain remember the registration table at the first Femme Conf. like it was yesterday. THAT in and of itself is powerful.

I am a Libra on the cusp of Scorpio. I like to lie to myself and say that makes me a balanced bitch.

Am I off ignore yet?

Love,

FBG