Making Peace with Exes

[Daryn]

Today I had lunch with an ex I have not seen in about 13 or 14 years. The break-up was a bitch, catty, ugly, etc. A few years back she called me at work. I thought she wanted to date again because of one thing she said and I was involved so I pretty much blew off any more conversations. I've been single again about a year and decided I wanted to see if we could just be friends. Googled and found a current email addy and sent a note. Eventually heard back.

It's all so odd why people get so bent when things are not working out. It wasn't working for me and communicating wasn't working either. We were stuck in our positions. And I was tired of it so I called it over and she wasn't ready to hear that.

A lot of time has passed. A lot of hard things have happened in both of our lives. But it was nice to just sit down, have lunch, talk, go for a walk after lunch, talk, and realize we could be friends. And I really hope that we do go kayaking a couple of times this summer.

I am also talking her into ditching the dash site and coming over here.

My last ex is still majorly pissed at me and it makes me sad since we were together for a long time by either of our standards. Today gave me hope that time may heal all things or not.....

[bigbutchmistie]

My last ex, my close friends know how bad of a break up it was, and how long we were together. Its funny, how we are friends now, and I look at her and wonder how we ever got to that place. I am good friends with her gf. As a matter of fact, I introduced my ex to the butch-femme dating site and that's how they met.

I enjoy our friendship now, and enjoy my friendship with her gf. I wouldnt trade it for anything in the world. For me it was difficult. But one thing I knew is that even though we werent meant to be, we both deserved to be happy.

Im very good friends with my first gf. We have been close for over ten years. Im good friends with another ex.

I by no means am perfect. I was just fortunate enough to be given the opportunity to be friends with the ones I made peace with. With the ones that stole a piece of my heart in friendship. I have no regets. Only sweet memories and learning experiences. They have taught me what I want and e not to accept anything less.

[jey_z76]

I have tried to do the right thing, be the better person, and be civil or at least try to still be friends with my exes. Unfortunately, they never wanted to.... even though they were the ones who broke up with me! I have seen some of them out at clubs/bars that I was at and they would look at me like I was the bad guy in all of it. I have even gone as far as to text some of them on holidays and wish them the best of those days. I would always get a nasty response, like they thought I was trying to be sly with what I was saying. Even though it would say something like, Hope you have a great Thanksgiving.

The good thing about all this, is that at least I know I tried!

~J~

[Tcountry]

I think everyone has their own way of dealing with things...
It is my belief that if you don't wind up friends you probably didnt have that much in common to be great lovers anyway...I know it seems silly but it happens...
Some people are better off friends than lovers...
And some are better off learning that hard way that lovers was all it was...
But the best relationships start with friends and develop into lovers...

course that is the opinion of a cheezy hopeless romantic...what do I know!

[Laerkin]

I've been pretty lucky over the years with my exes.

My first boyfriend from high school was a dear friend of mine for many years after we broke up and I still care about him very much (though we lost touch and I haven't been able to find him in recent years).

The guy I lost my V-card to is a Facebook friend and we have stayed in touch over the years. We weren't great together at all, but he's interesting and we share similar politics so it's nice to touch base every once in a while.

My most recent ex, M, is a wonderful woman. She's funny and caring and has a huge heart. I wish we were closer than we are. There certainly aren't any hard feelings and our break-up was honest and timely. We've cross paths occasionally and we always enjoy catching up when we do see each other. Maybe down the road our paths will intersect again and we'll be friends.

Looking back, I think I've just been very lucky that the majority of my relationships ended at a point when both of us were ready to move on and, though painful or tear-filled, it was never nasty or hurtful.

[Gemme]

I haven't been fortunate enough to cultivate breaks ups that have easily mainstreamed into friendships. Some have found the way there, but it's been through time and patience, and there's been work put into each one. I do have hope that some other exes and I shall remain friends in time but I'm fully aware that it may never happen. All relationships take work and effort on the parts of all the participants, and if one isn't playing ball, then the game goes to Hell and gets called off.

[lipstixgal]

My ex contacted me last year wanted to be friends on fb but it didn't work out she said she wanted to get back together but she also said she is MOrmon and can't do that..so no we are not friends at this time and I don't know if I want to be friends it was a hurtful time in my life but that was a long time ago so maybe I should forgive her and move on which I'm trying to do...

[girl_dee]

Making "peace" and being friends are two different things..IMO

If I see an ex, I'd be cordial...I'd put em out if they were on fire, maybe..
but friends? no thanks,, I left them and the pain the caused behind.. I don't feel a need to have them in my life at all and I would not want my current partner to deal with my bringing old flames into our relationship circle. I guess when I'm done, I'm done. I've been the one to leave relationships, and for a reason.

I also feel that once you have been intimate and/or had a relationship, its not just a plain ole friendship .. it's much deeper a that. I don't get how people refer to exes as just *friends* when you've already gone beyond that and back. It's a deeper relationship and that's ok too, the feelings are different, your energy is different than people you are simply friends with. If there are kids involved being peaceful is of course the only way to go. It's also very awkward for the new partner to have to deal with. It's doable, but only with lots of TLC.

I guess I just don't need to be close to people I am no longer involved with, maybe I don't like being reminded of the pain the bastards caused me and the fact that I allowed them to hurt me !

ahem.

[Apocalipstic]

I have been lucky in that I have enough in common with almost all my exes to still maintain close friendships. Just because we did not work out as a couple, does not mean they won't make an awesome friend.

I count myself VERY lucky!

[Julie]

I still love each and every one of my exes. No matter how we ended or the reasons why we ended is not so important to me. What is important, is what brought us together to begin with and hopefully be reminded of this.

I just cannot imagine, loving someone so much one day and then not the next.

One of my exes is not alive anymore... And I really miss her. Our breakup was not the best and it put me in a pretty ugly financial situation. I could have certainly gone the "hate" route with her. But dammit, she is gone now, and if I did not have those moments after we broke up, to let her know I loved her (still) even up to the day before she died (suicide)... I know, I would be carrying this deeply within me. She knew I loved her before she died and I knew she loved me. We were lucky we resolved our issues.

Sometimes, hating can become a permanent fixture - if you are not allowed to work through the ugly with the person. Sometimes we don't get a second chance.

[princessbelle]

Interesting.....

I have found it both ways....being friends with an ex or not having contact at all and it depends on several things for me....given the situation and how the breakup was handled and why it happened to begin with.

Most of my exes i don't have to deal with, i don't have to see, i don't have to think about and some have not been forgiven by perhaps what they did to be my ex to begin with. Those people are just forgotten by me and no longer exist in my world by my choice or by theirs...don't matter, they are simply gone.

However, there are a couple that I want to remain friends with. Why? cause i simply adore them. Maybe it didn't work out on the romantic side either for lack of connection or timing or whatever. Different reasons each but, that doesn't mean that I want to block them from my world if they are receptive with it in return. I enjoy a couple of friendships with exes but I do believe, in my experience, that it takes time to get to that point and things have to come full circle and those hurt feelings have to heal. But when they do and you can talk with someone that you have feelings for whatever those feelings may be...it is a true gift to you both. Boundries have to be set and hearts have to be protected...but it's a blessing when it happens...imo.

[Oiler41]

Originally Posted by princessbelle

Interesting.....

I have found it both ways....being friends with an ex or not having contact at all and it depends on several things for me....given the situation and how the breakup was handled and why it happened to begin with.

I agree with this completely. How a break up is handled is a HUGE indication of character and can often tell you whether or not you misplaced your trust to begin with; we are talking about an ex after all, and they are an ex for some reason.

I have a couple of exes that I'm still friends with, a couple that I don't keep in touch with but know there is no reason we couldn't be friends if we wanted to, and a couple that I wouldn't spit on if they were on fire (as much as I hate to say that, it is the truth and I value honesty).

Break-ups happen. We have all been there. In my opinion, the hope of one day developing and possibly maintaining a friendship with an ex all depends on just as you indicated,,what caused the break-up to begin with (although I will be the first to admit, each person plays some role in a break-up; its rarely one sided) and how the break-up was handled, meaning handle it with integrity, be fair in your dealings with each other, and basically, just do what is right. With a little soul searching, no matter the situation, it is usually not all that difficult to ascertain what is "right". Just my opinion mind you.

Glynn, who is happily married and glad I never have to worry about a break-up again!

[Glenn]

I've never thrown the hail mary pass, and i don't have any x's sitting around the bull-pen. Furthermore, I've learned not to return to the stable of losers.

[katsarecool]

Most of my relationships ended at my end and most of them are not at all interested in being friends. I would wish it to be otherwise as said here by some there was something special that brought us together in the first place. I have always made the offer of friendship after a decent interval and am satisfied that I did make that offer. I am still friends with one ex and I cannot imagine never loving her in the most special and private way.

[WolfyOne]

I happen to have a few ex's I've kept in contact with one way or another.

In fact, I just moved out of a house my ex and I shared. She ended the relationship, but not for any reasons anyone could imagine. She has chosen a spiritual path and wants to give her life to our creator. I didn't lose her to another person, I lost her to God. It's been quite hard for me, but I understand. We'll always maintain a friendship because she really is a good friend and cares about others like no one I ever met. I learned from her about wanting to be the best person I could possibly be. She has been my best friend for years now and going into a religious order won't change that. We fight, we make up, we've laughed and cried together. Isn't that part of what being friends is about? Rediscovering me and healing my heart doesn't mean we can't continue as friends.

I have a couple other ex's I keep in touch with via email as they both have children I happen to adore. With one, it took years to even get to a point where we could even be pleasant in emails, but time, distance and age has finally changed that. Another one I talk to twice a year, on her birthday I call her and she calls me on mine. It's something neither of us forget and have been doing it for 20 years.

Ex or not, they come into our lives for a reason, season or lifetime. I'm thankful for those that have entered my life because it helped me learn more about myself. Sometimes relationships work better and last longer when you live apart. Maybe that's the reason some people can keep ex's as friends.

[Nat]

I'm friends with the majority of my exes, but not all. I think I've been lucky that most of my relationships have been mutually respectful and supportive and the breakups have kept that tone.

There are a few where friendship wasn't possible.

I don't hang out regularly with any of my exes, but we keep tabs on each other. Occasional texts or emails or calls, a few facebook friends. Just check-ins to make sure each other are okay.

[DomnNC]

I have to agree with the concept that it just depends on why the relationship ended. If it was an issue where a trust was violated, then no, I don't keep people in my life that I cannot trust.

There are a couple I talk to on the phone to catch up on our lives, maybe, depending on if I feel like dealing with trying to hear on the phone, lol. (Those that have spoken to me on the phone know the reason for that).

Of those left, I think I would call them an aquaintance now, after all, years would have passed, people change, so you really don't "know" them anymore. If I see them out and about, I'm cordial, ask them how things are going, etcetcetc, maybe, lol. But have them over to my house to sit down and visit for a spell, no, I wouldn't put that awkwardness on my wife (at that time).

[sylvie]

A few of my breakups have resulted in friendship..
And a couple haven't.. for me, depends on the situation, if there is a break in trust, or if i know that distancing them is better for my own well being.. i don't do well with intentional negativity..

But for the few i've been able to stay friends with, we actually make wonderful friends and it's a great thing.. No hard feelings, and i am friends with their significant others as well.. it's also a healthy situation for my children, in the sense they didn't have the bickering and well, their feelings were invested in my relationship with my ex too, they spent quality time with them and when we broke up, missed them.. so it's nice they still get to interact with them .. but it's never a close friendship either that we go hang out together or visit one another, that would be awkward for their significant other or one day, my significant other perhaps... i would always want my significant other to be 100% comfortable with me & anyone that i am friends with.. my significant other would come first..

But sometimes, friendship is just not in the cards with an ex, and distance is the better choice. i never wish them harm in any way, and always want the best for them.. but just know that friendship is not the right choice..

[Erountree]

i tried making peace with ex's it just got worse shit out of it so i gave up tryin

[Brewcityboi]

my two greatest loves are now my best friends. I have been through hell and back with both of them and they know me almost better then i know myself. i think friendship is absolutly possible with exes of all forms. Even though the relationship never worked out, we grow from them. These 2 exes of mine have seen the absolute worst in me and when i get to that point, they can bring me out of it. Im also friends with many of my exes.

I think the other members have a point when they say it depends on the break up itself. My one relationship with this psycho, was the worst breakup i've ever had. Not to sound harsh but she can jump off a cliff for all i care, because it would make better place. She ruined my life. She has hurt too many other people i know. If you hurt my friends, we have some serious problems. Will i ever make peace with her? Probably not. I'm perfectly fine with that.