Making Peace with Exes

[sweetfemme247]

I have made peace with all of my ex's and I think in the future, I wont let things happen that did.

I'm friends with many exes, well the ones that weren't toxic.

I still live with an ex some 8yrs after we split up from a 7yr relationship. We're family, that will never change.

There are some exes however that I don't want to ever set eyes on again. That's life!

[Apocalipstic]

I have said before how I am friends with all my exes. It does take time and I hope that my most recent ex and I can at least always be cordial.

[Softly]

I haven't had that many relationships, thank god 1 divorce.

friend with them all, mostly ;D

I am happy that I have stayed friends with the ones I am friends with! my first love, my ex husband, partners who I have cared for in my life. It's nice to see them every now and then and know they are doing well in life and I feel happy for them.

[Apocalipstic]

For me it is important to buck up and deal and take it on the chin like an adult rather that being filled with fury and vindictiveness months after a break up,

Sure be mad a couple of weeks but then agree to be cordial and dont ask your friends to taske sides.

The negativity of prolonged anger is not worth it.

Here is to all of us resolving to treat everyone we once said we loved with respect!

[Chazz]

It was once a principle of mine to stay friends with EXs. Then, I went to 12 Step meetings and got over it.

[Ginger]

I deal with exes on a case-by-case basis.

One ex wanted to be friends with me, but wanted to hide it from her girlfriend. I declined.

Another person wanted to be friends with me, but the things that made it self-destructive for me to stay in a relationship with her, would have still been there in a friendship. My commitment to happiness kept me from going there. Post script: I knew I was over this person when I heard she was dating someone new. Instead of feeling sad, I felt immediate alarm and concern for the new femme. Then after another year or so, I saw this ex at a dance. She forced a Hello and introduction to my friend. Later, I was startled when she suddenly appeared before me to say goodbye. I realized, I had forgotten she was there.

Another person, my "main" ex, someone I was with for ten years, wouldn't be friends with me because her new partner was jealous of me. That really hurt, and still does, though it's now been ten years since we broke up.

Another person was very angry with me when I broke up with her, and then a couple years later, died of breast cancer. That was hard for me, but as long as it was the best thing for her to keep me away, I'm okay with it.

My current partner has three close friends. One is an ex, which I don't mind at all. I like her and trust them both.

I noticed a funny thing back when I was dating. Several times when I started seeing someone, it seemed to trigger their ex's re-interest in them. I used to say, If you want your ex back, date me.

[morningstar55]

some ya can......... some ya can't

[Sachita]

I have not had that many serious relationships, however there is a collection of people I dated where we decided we were better off as friends. If I liked you enough to date you then chances are you're a great friend.

I have two people that were more serious and for whatever reasons we just can't maintain a friendship. I try but the reason for us breaking up looms over and makes it difficult for me to trust them. There is a reason why they are ex's and this is often difficult to get beyond.

[Passionaria]

Originally Posted by Apocalipstic

For me it is important to buck up and deal and take it on the chin like an adult rather that being filled with fury and vindictiveness months after a break up,

Sure be mad a couple of weeks but then agree to be cordial and dont ask your friends to taske sides.

The negativity of prolonged anger is not worth it.

Here is to all of us resolving to treat everyone we once said we loved with respect!

Well I would like to think that I can be friends with all my exes, as Apocalipstic said. In my mind and my heart that feels so beautiful. Definitely the treating people we once loved with respect.

One thing I am finding out about myself is I have no desire to be near people who do not respect my heart, my love, or our love. If someone does disrespect my heart or my love, or really breaks my heart; I won't be disrespectful, but if our paths cross, I would treat them like a stranger. On the other hand, one ex of mine we drive each other absolutely crazy sometimes, but we never denied loving each other, and that's why we are still friends. We respect the love we shared. Plus she taught me how to fight and get over it. LOL what a mess.


I was thinking about a particular person the other day, and what I wanted to tell them was that I gave you my love freely, but you will have to earn my friendship. After really looking at that, I need to make some changes. I will give you my friendship freely, but you will have to earn my love....... Deep breath and back to the drawing board.

Pashi

[*Anya*]

This is a tough one for me.

My ex-husband and I will never be friends but I never trashed him to my daughters and supported & encouraged their relationship-until he dragged his second wife around by the hair in front of them @ ages 8 and 10. Then I told him, get therapy or you will not see the girls. He chose no therapy. They did make peace with him when they turned 18 as I took them to therapy to deal with the trauma that they witnessed for 6-months. I was pleasant to him and wife #3 @ each of my girls weddings and my oldest's college graduation.

My first GF & I remained friends-no negative feelings.

My 19-year relationship taught me she was not worthy of my heart or my trust and repeatedly broke both. I was a very slow learner with that one. Can't tell you why but I finally "got it" that she is not good for my own mental health. I am not bitter or angry-just much wiser.

Forgiveness? Was almost there until her October 2011 story of terminal brain cancer, one-week to live, that turned out to be a lie. Yes, I am a really slow learner. (No, she is not on the Planet, thank god).

I believe I have finally learned who is worthy of my trust and my love. I am grateful that I have.

[Hollylane]

I find that the behavior of both parties at the time of the initial break, and the behavior shortly after, tends to determine whether a friendship can continue.

I have not had many relationships, I tend to be a long termer, and of the few I have had, I have gleaned two friends for life.

[Ebon]

It depends on what happened between us and how I feel about her. If she's an ass I probably won't talk to her again only because I don't have the patience for bullshit or games anymore. If she's cool then we can be cool.

[1QuirkyKiwi]

I've only had two long term relationships in my adult life; the friendship with my first long term girlfriend faded after a few years. My previous long term girlfriend and I are still friends. She's in another country, so we chat by phone and email.

The two girlfriends that I've dated for about 6 months there is no friendship with as the relationships weren't harmonious ones.

[bkisbutchenuff]

Originally Posted by morningstar55

some ya can......... some ya can't

enuff said!

[mariamma]

Originally Posted by bkisbutchenuff

enuff said!

I came here looking for some eloquence. Frankly, enuff said! may be perfect. Now if I can only get him to never speak to me again. I just started talking to my 9 years ago ex without yelling.

[LaneyDoll]

Originally Posted by Hollylane

I find that the behavior of both parties at the time of the initial break, and the behavior shortly after, tends to determine whether a friendship can continue.

I have not had many relationships, I tend to be a long termer, and of the few I have had, I have gleaned two friends for life.

Agreed. I have one "ex" who was not really an ex but someone I dated for a while before we realized that we were best as friends only. She and I get along well & I know that if I ever need help, she will do as much as she is able.

With other exes, it is hard to say. Some I still see socially but only because we share a lifestyle and there is really no choice but to cross paths. One is pleasant but maintains a welcome distance. Another I have yet to see but she has RSVP'ed to an event I am working this month; we were never together but it was not for lack of trying on her part. She is still angry though.

I always say that the past is a place you can visit but you should never try to live there.

[Ginger]

I am always learning and forgetting, what I can tolerate and what I can't.

I am thinking of one ex that I loved very much, but realize I couldn't have stayed with. (Of course, it isn't someone on this site, and she probably doesn't even know it exists.)

This particular lover, "C," kept a rifle in the cabin where we stayed upstate on weekends, while her house was being built in the woods. The cabin was next to a pond, and we lit candles at night and played dominoes and talked, and the frogs were so loud by the end of the summer, we could barely hear each other.

We slept on a mattress on the floor, and the rifle stayed in the crevice between the head of the bed, and the cabin wall. Sometimes I would wake with my head butting into it.

Even if someone had appeared at the door to our cabin in the middle of the night, she wouldn’t have been able to use it—she was impossible to wake once she’d taken her “nightie-nights,” a handful of prescription sleeping pills and anti-anxiety meds for the PTSD that made her fear her brother was going to find her and kill her; hence the gun.

We took a lot of walks in the woods, and she set up tripods to photograph trees, and then began a series on mushrooms, because I loved them so much. We turned rotting logs over, and found ruby salamanders writhing in the damp ground. She’s the only person I’ve known who loved watching insects as much as I do. She could make dozens of bird songs, and collected abandoned nests, and noticed rocks, filling her bathroom sink in the City with them, water running over them to the drain, which made me a little nervous when I brushed my teeth, though I did love the rocks.

C had alpaca blankets she kept in the cabin, and we would wrap ourselves and sit on the front steps and watch the moon and the pond. We kept going up there, even when we could see our breath, and the leaves were turning orange.

I tried to talk to her about her brother, and whether it really was possible that he would look for her and kill her. Her fear made me afraid. When we broke up, I felt guilty at how relieved I was to have him, even the idea of him, out of my life. And I was glad not to wake with that gun near my head.

But I miss her.

[Ginger]

I am always learning and forgetting, what I can tolerate and what I can't.

I am thinking of one ex that I loved very much, but realize I couldn't have stayed with. (Of course, it isn't someone on this site, and she probably doesn't even know it exists.)

This particular lover, "C," kept a rifle in the cabin where we stayed upstate on weekends, while her house was being built in the woods. The cabin was next to a pond, and we lit candles at night and played dominoes and talked, and the frogs were so loud by the end of the summer, we could barely hear each other.

We slept on a mattress on the floor, and the rifle stayed in the crevice between the head of the bed, and the cabin wall. Sometimes I would wake with my head butting into it.

Even if someone dangerous had appeared at the door to our cabin in the middle of the night, she wouldn’t have been able to use the rifle—she was impossible to wake once she’d taken her “nightie-nights,” a handful of prescription sleeping pills and anti-anxiety meds for PTSD; she feared her brother—who had abused her for years—was going to find her and kill her, hence the gun.

We took a lot of walks in the woods, and she set up tripods to photograph trees, and then began a series on mushrooms, because I loved them so much. We turned rotting logs over, and found ruby salamanders writhing in the damp ground. She’s the only person I’ve known who loved watching insects as much as I do. She could make dozens of bird songs, and collected abandoned nests, and noticed rocks, filling her bathroom sink in the City with them, water running over them to the drain, which made me a little nervous when I brushed my teeth, though I did love the rocks.

C had alpaca blankets she kept in the cabin, and we would wrap ourselves and sit on the front steps and watch the moon and the pond. We kept going up there, even when we could see our breath, and the leaves were turning orange.

I tried to talk to her about her brother, and whether it really was possible that he would look for her and kill her. Her fear made me afraid. When we broke up, I felt guilty at how relieved I was to have him, even the idea of him, out of my life. And I was glad not to wake with that gun near my head.

But I miss her.

[thedivahrrrself]

I've always taken the high road in breakups. I give away way too much stuff. I tell everyone it was mutual and amicable, even if it wasn't. I don't force friends to take sides. Custody arrangements are made for dogs, and I don't break my promises there.

Usually this means eventually the ex apologizes for being an asshole. I don't usually find that we can be friends, though generally we keep in touch for a while during the grieving period. The two big breakups moved away, which helped us both in both situations. Maybe the last one and I would be closer friends if she had stayed nearby, but the distance means we just touch base once in a while. We are friendly and polite, but distant. I find she mostly calls to tell me how great her life is, even though I know she's often lying about that. But I don't call her out on it, why bother? If it makes her feel better, then so be it.

I burn bridges, but I burn them nicely.