My Butch Left Me After 6 Years...Devistated

[femmedoll]

Things were great...wonderful. We even had a gay wedding. Then, a month ago, she drained our bank account, spent it all at the strip club and didn't come home that night (after she said he was "running to the store." She became distant and started not coming home on a regular basis, and wouldn't tell me where she was or where she stayed the night. She became mean, avoidant and began to blame me for the unhappiness in her life, like unfulfilled goals and stuff. A week ago, she said he needed me to move out of our house. She told me it was better for her that we not communicate, so I have no idea where she's been, where she lives now, why she left me or what the f**k is really going on with her. I left, am confused and heartbroken and and have so many unanswered questions. She went from the best lover ever, to a mean, deceitful person OVERNIGHT.

I'm lost...so sad...and I don't understand how someone who loves you like crazy for 6 years can take it all back in a night.


Anyone been through this? Any advice?

[princessbelle]

((((((((((femmedoll)))))))))

First of all you aren't alone. Change the people, the scene, the circumstances, and many of us have been there done that. It IS hard, devistating, unbelievable and just down right horrible to have this happen.

You will get through it.

I know the lost feeling you are going through. Please know, you will get throught this. You have to focus on yourself. Don't think ahead, think of today, this moment...surround yourself with friends, family. Talk about it, journal about it, write letters (which you won't send or send). Make yourself eat, drink water, get out of the house. Go for walks, but, try and just go to autopilot for now and be kind to yourself and good to yourself. Right now, you are your own bestfriend. You are going through hell and you need to watch out for yourself.

Know that the feelings you are having are ok to feel, they are real, don't try and push them away. It's ok to cry, and hurt, and be disbelieving. It is how our brains handle devistation.


Every day that passes will help. Time will help. Keep yourself busy. You had given your love to someone that doesn't want it anymore. That is one of the hardest things that we ever have to face. But, i want you to please understand that this is YOUR love that you gave. It belongs to YOU. Not him/her. YOU own it. Place that love, for now, back on yourself and treat yourself kindly.

I understand. I truely do. You have a community here. Post or PM almost any of us and we can help you get through this. You are not alone honey.

[Sachita]

I know this is awful. You have a vision, a future and plan then one day out of nowhere you're blindsided. Especially when the person you thought you knew is someone else.

From my own experience and mistakes all I can say is this;

Surround yourself with good friends. The worse thing you can do is dwell on it and although its good to talk about it don't keep giving it unnecessary attention. I spent 2 years really beating myself up BUT I was also in a new state, no friends or family around to kick my ass out of it. The loneliness and isolation made it worse. Stay in close face to face contact with really good friends. End any contact with your ex for a long while should she decide to contact you. She might after a few months with lots of excuses. Let time pass. I should have done that. We can talk now and maybe even be friends BUT it took years.

Meditate often and let your mind be still.

[Sachita]

Originally Posted by femmedoll

Things were great...wonderful. We even had a gay wedding. Then, a month ago, she drained our bank account, spent it all at the strip club and didn't come home that night (after she said he was "running to the store." She became distant and started not coming home on a regular basis, and wouldn't tell me where she was or where she stayed the night. She became mean, avoidant and began to blame me for the unhappiness in her life, like unfulfilled goals and stuff. A week ago, she said he needed me to move out of our house. She told me it was better for her that we not communicate, so I have no idea where she's been, where she lives now, why she left me or what the f**k is really going on with her. I left, am confused and heartbroken and and have so many unanswered questions. She went from the best lover ever, to a mean, deceitful person OVERNIGHT.

I'm lost...so sad...and I don't understand how someone who loves you like crazy for 6 years can take it all back in a night.


Anyone been through this? Any advice?

wait a sec why did you move out? screw that. If you shared a place she should have left IMO

[chefhmboyrd]

i feel for you sweetie
sounds like a classic case of Mid Life Crisis.

i have seen it before
things are going great
then the hormones start to get screwy
and before you know it you Butch in shining armor
is a turd

so sorry
Sachita is giving you the right advice.....
stick with your friends, come talk to us
write down your feelings.
we can comiserate with you.
just never give up......
this isn't your fault.

and don't let them come back
a trust has been broken
and you have to take care of Your Heart


@

[Ebon]

Sounds to me like someone else peaked her interest and that stuff was building up inside of her and one day she just snapped. Either way that is a shitty way to treat someone, especially that you've been with for so long. There are also 3 sides to every story. Much love and big ole tight hugs to you.

[PinkieLee]

(((HUGS))))

Oh honey, we've all been down that road at least once or twice in our life. Yes it does suck...especially when you have so many unanswered questions. Speaking from my own experiences, you will learn the truth in time...when the universe feels that it's time.

Like others have said, I highly suggest keeping some distance from you & your ex. Emotions are extremely high right now for both of you, so you both need some breathing room. Just take this time to focus on YOU right now, your wants & needs. There is no magic wand that's gonna make this any easier, just try to take it day by day (and when it's rough ~ just minute by minute). PLEASE be gentle with yourself and remember that YOU will make it though this.

"You never know how strong you are, until being strong is your only choice".

Take care sweetie and remember you have a community that's always here for words of encouragment & support.

[apretty]

in my experience, nothing happens overnight. therapy.

[adorable]

Ahhh...I have been there. It SEEMED to happen over night, but the pot was boiling long before it overflowed.

It was when I first heard the diagnosis, bipolar and then schitzoeffective, then psychotic...that everything made SOME more sense. It took months just to wrap my mind around the fact that she was seriously mentally ill. She didn't always act it, she went to work everyday and worked her ass off. For five years we lived our life, rarely ever fought - then one day - mania took over completely. It was the begining of one of the worst periods of my life. Missing money was the least of it....

NOW I see it clearly when it happens. I didn't see it before because I had been too busy cleaning up messes and laughing that she was irresponsible. She wasn't irresponsible, she was sick. She needed medication. Bipolar is progressive, it gets worse if left untreated. It got worse. Much worse.

Mania causes seemingly rational people to do irrational things. The anger and hostility comes out of nowhere and they believe in their heart that YOU are the reason they are unhappy. That then gives a license for all kinds of things and there are serious issues with impulse control. Suddenly they can do whatever they want. Problem is, it only makes sense to THEM.

I have no idea if this is what she is doing. I only know it sounds very similar to what my ex did. Start reading as much as you can about Bipolar symptoms and see if any of it fits. Either way you can't save someone from themselves. If it were possible, there would be a lot of saved people out there - it's a past time of mine. Plenty of people live just fine that have bipolar. Medication, hardwork and therapy are what is needed to learn to live with it - my ex was having none of that....which is why she is my ex. Seven psychiatrists, all with the same diagnoses and thousands of dollars later - she just couldn't do it. She is taking responsibility now and going to therapy. It's too late for me personally now, but I am happy for her.

I am 100% sure though that she will be back. They always come back. Usually when you have everything settled, figured out and are happy again. Up exes pop like evil, destructive, ground hogs. They look all cute and fuzzy. Then BLAM! Bite you right in the ankle!!

I have learned that if someone is dumb enough to walk away, I need to be smart enough to let them go. I have never needed anyone, there was never anyone to rely on...I was it. I am still it. I will forever be it. I am stronger then I have ever given myself credit for - other people only have the power over me that I give them. I can chose to give that power to them or not. If I give it, and it's proven to me that level of trust was misplaced, I can take it back. Whether it's after 6 months, 9 years or a week. Never give someone a second chance to show you who they really are.

[Apocalipstic]

I've been there too, and though it might sound trite, in time you will be happier, I promise.

If you can afford it, therapy is an excellent suggestion, if not.... surround yourself with friends.

I also especially think it sucks that she told you to move out after draining the bank account which I would think severely limits your options. How people handle break ups says so much about their character. Rise above and go on with your life in dignity.

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by adorable

Ahhh...I have been there. It SEEMED to happen over night, but the pot was boiling long before it overflowed.

It was when I first heard the diagnosis, bipolar and then schitzoeffective, then psychotic...that everything made SOME more sense. It took months just to wrap my mind around the fact that she was seriously mentally ill. She didn't always act it, she went to work everyday and worked her ass off. For five years we lived our life, rarely ever fought - then one day - mania took over completely. It was the begining of one of the worst periods of my life. Missing money was the least of it....

NOW I see it clearly when it happens. I didn't see it before because I had been too busy cleaning up messes and laughing that she was irresponsible. She wasn't irresponsible, she was sick. She needed medication. Bipolar is progressive, it gets worse if left untreated. It got worse. Much worse.

Mania causes seemingly rational people to do irrational things. The anger and hostility comes out of nowhere and they believe in their heart that YOU are the reason they are unhappy. That then gives a license for all kinds of things and there are serious issues with impulse control. Suddenly they can do whatever they want. Problem is, it only makes sense to THEM.

I have no idea if this is what she is doing. I only know it sounds very similar to what my ex did. Start reading as much as you can about Bipolar symptoms and see if any of it fits. Either way you can't save someone from themselves. If it were possible, there would be a lot of saved people out there - it's a past time of mine. Plenty of people live just fine that have bipolar. Medication, hardwork and therapy are what is needed to learn to live with it - my ex was having none of that....which is why she is my ex. Seven psychiatrists, all with the same diagnoses and thousands of dollars later - she just couldn't do it. She is taking responsibility now and going to therapy. It's too late for me personally now, but I am happy for her.

I am 100% sure though that she will be back. They always come back. Usually when you have everything settled, figured out and are happy again. Up exes pop like evil, destructive, ground hogs. They look all cute and fuzzy. Then BLAM! Bite you right in the ankle!!

I have learned that if someone is dumb enough to walk away, I need to be smart enough to let them go. I have never needed anyone, there was never anyone to rely on...I was it. I am still it. I will forever be it. I am stronger then I have ever given myself credit for - other people only have the power over me that I give them. I can chose to give that power to them or not. If I give it, and it's proven to me that level of trust was misplaced, I can take it back. Whether it's after 6 months, 9 years or a week. Never give someone a second chance to show you who they really are.

I agree with a lot of this, but sometimes exes can be amazing friends years later after they work their stuff out. For me, evil and disruptive sounds strong, but our experiences sound pretty different. Sorry you went through what you did!

There are so many different scenarios which could explain the behavior of OP's ex.

[paposeco]

Originally Posted by Sachita

I know this is awful. You have a vision, a future and plan then one day out of nowhere you're blindsided. Especially when the person you thought you knew is someone else.

From my own experience and mistakes all I can say is this;

Surround yourself with good friends. The worse thing you can do is dwell on it and although its good to talk about it don't keep giving it unnecessary attention. I spent 2 years really beating myself up BUT I was also in a new state, no friends or family around to kick my ass out of it. The loneliness and isolation made it worse. Stay in close face to face contact with really good friends. End any contact with your ex for a long while should she decide to contact you. She might after a few months with lots of excuses. Let time pass. I should have done that. We can talk now and maybe even be friends BUT it took years.

Meditate often and let your mind be still.

However..."overnight", is not really true, we choose to ignore the signs, we do not want to confront..mostly out of fear...of being right..of being hurt..of being left, so we make excuses and choose not to see what's there in front of our eyes, yet our "knower/gut" senses something's off....anyway, like someone said here, "there are 3 sides to every story"..in any case, now you must move on with your life, for your wellbeing and sanity.

[lyric]

I'm so sorry to hear about what happened to you. I can only imagine how painful it is.

I don't know how helpful this will be to hear, but sometimes we need to take a breath, step back, and realize that what might feel like the world crashing down around us is actually a blessing in disguise. It was a hard lesson learned for me. I was living with and supporting someone who was bringing strangers from personal ads into my home while I was at work, and carried on other relationships outside of ours, among other things. The discovery was devastating, and the refusal on this person's part to take any responsibility for their actions whatsoever was further heartbreaking (I was told that because I "snooped" to find information when I suspected something was going on, they felt they did not need to answer to me). I should have listened to family and friends and to my inner voice and kicked them to the curb. However, my self-esteem and self-confidence was so low that, I am ashamed to admit, I allowed this person to remain in my home and my life taking advantage of me for way too long after that... my own unfortunate mistake. I was an idiot.

My advice is, walk away and don't ever consider returning. Get yourself into therapy as apretty suggested and be prepared to do some in-depth exploration to determine if there may, indeed, have been warning signs that were overlooked, and if so, why. This could go a long way towards your healing process as well as providing you with tools for a more successful relationship with someone else down the road. Don't beat yourself up, though. Regardless, you can't be responsible for another's thoughtlessness and lack of integrity. In your saddest moments (and you will have them) call a friend who won't let you get soft and make excuses for your ex. Lean on your family and friends for support - work on nurturing those other relationships that are valuable to you. Let those in your life who love you take care of you if they offer. Spend time with yourself, taking care of you. Remember that sometimes there are no good answers for things, and you may never know the reason anyone does any particular thing. These are all of the things I wish I'd done. I spent way too much time stuck in place, asking questions, blaming myself, and making excuses for this person. I made things much harder than they needed to be. Don't make the same mistake I did. The good news is, I eventually met a wonderful, trustworthy, intelligent person to whom I am engaged, and I have never been happier nor have I ever been more cared for. You will, too... just keep the faith and work on loving yourself in the meantime.

[greeneyedlady]

[QUOTE

"I am 100% sure though that she will be back. They always come back. Usually when you have everything settled, figured out and are happy again. Up exes pop like evil, destructive, ground hogs. They look all cute and fuzzy. Then BLAM! Bite you right in the ankle!!

I have learned that if someone is dumb enough to walk away, I need to be smart enough to let them go. I have never needed anyone, there was never anyone to rely on...I was it. I am still it. I will forever be it. I am stronger then I have ever given myself credit for - other people only have the power over me that I give them. I can chose to give that power to them or not. If I give it, and it's proven to me that level of trust was misplaced, I can take it back. Whether it's after 6 months, 9 years or a week. Never give someone a second chance to show you who they really are.[/QUOTE]"

Thanks....I really needed to read that today! I feel better already!

[atomiczombie]

Originally Posted by adorable

Ahhh...I have been there. It SEEMED to happen over night, but the pot was boiling long before it overflowed.

It was when I first heard the diagnosis, bipolar and then schitzoeffective, then psychotic...that everything made SOME more sense. It took months just to wrap my mind around the fact that she was seriously mentally ill. She didn't always act it, she went to work everyday and worked her ass off. For five years we lived our life, rarely ever fought - then one day - mania took over completely. It was the begining of one of the worst periods of my life. Missing money was the least of it....

NOW I see it clearly when it happens. I didn't see it before because I had been too busy cleaning up messes and laughing that she was irresponsible. She wasn't irresponsible, she was sick. She needed medication. Bipolar is progressive, it gets worse if left untreated. It got worse. Much worse.

Mania causes seemingly rational people to do irrational things. The anger and hostility comes out of nowhere and they believe in their heart that YOU are the reason they are unhappy. That then gives a license for all kinds of things and there are serious issues with impulse control. Suddenly they can do whatever they want. Problem is, it only makes sense to THEM.

I have no idea if this is what she is doing. I only know it sounds very similar to what my ex did. Start reading as much as you can about Bipolar symptoms and see if any of it fits. Either way you can't save someone from themselves. If it were possible, there would be a lot of saved people out there - it's a past time of mine. Plenty of people live just fine that have bipolar. Medication, hardwork and therapy are what is needed to learn to live with it - my ex was having none of that....which is why she is my ex. Seven psychiatrists, all with the same diagnoses and thousands of dollars later - she just couldn't do it. She is taking responsibility now and going to therapy. It's too late for me personally now, but I am happy for her.

I am 100% sure though that she will be back. They always come back. Usually when you have everything settled, figured out and are happy again. Up exes pop like evil, destructive, ground hogs. They look all cute and fuzzy. Then BLAM! Bite you right in the ankle!!

I have learned that if someone is dumb enough to walk away, I need to be smart enough to let them go. I have never needed anyone, there was never anyone to rely on...I was it. I am still it. I will forever be it. I am stronger then I have ever given myself credit for - other people only have the power over me that I give them. I can chose to give that power to them or not. If I give it, and it's proven to me that level of trust was misplaced, I can take it back. Whether it's after 6 months, 9 years or a week. Never give someone a second chance to show you who they really are.

Can I just say that bipolar isn't necessarily what is going on here? Many people and even some psychiatrists confuse bipolar disorder with borderline personality disorder. I have bipolar disorder, and it expresses itself in terms of mood swings, from very high, to very low. It is episodic and is a function of synapses mis-firing in the brain. Medication can help tremendously with this illness.

Borderline personality disorder is very different. Here is a description:

U.S. National Library of Medicine

Overview

Borderline personality disorder is a condition in which a person makes impulsive actions, and has an unstable mood and chaotic relationships.

Symptoms

Relationships with others are intense and unstable. They swing wildly from love to hate and back again. People with BPD will frantically try to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

BPD patients may also be uncertain about their identity or self-image. They tend to see things in terms of extremes, either all good or all bad. They also typically view themselves as victims of circumstance and take little responsibility for themselves or their problems.

Other symptoms include:

Feelings of emptiness and boredom
Frequent displays of inappropriate anger
Impulsiveness with money, substance abuse, sexual relationships, binge eating, or shoplifting
Intolerance of being alone
Recurrent acts of crisis such as wrist cutting, overdosing, or self-injury (such as cutting)

My ex-wife has this disorder. Things started out great with her. She said all the right things and practically idolized me when we were first together (red flag). Once we were committed and living together, and eventually married, she changed. She started criticizing me. She harassed me about my job, saying I didn't make enough money (she made more than I did), and decided I was unattractive because of my weight and my butchness (however, she still wanted me to fuck her. Go figure.). She wanted me to grow my hair long and wear women's clothing. She hated that I was close to a femme friend of mine and accused me of cheating, which I totally wasn't. She called my friend a whore. She read my emails, looking for a smoking gun that just wasn't there. She would find something in them she could twist around and make it about her, then get mad at me for it.

When I finally left her, she accused me of abandoning her and our daughter, and laid every guilt trip she could. She told our daughter that I didn't love them anymore. She told me I was selfish and a control freak (total projection). She continued to accuse me of cheating. Alternately, she tried to seduce me into her bed again to get me to come back.

When she did start dating someone else, that person was so butch, she could pass. I couldn't pass, so this was really shocking to me. All that time she was trying to get me to be more feminine, and she goes out and finds another butch. What all that was really about was her being controlling.

This is how people with borderline personality behave. They are alternately cruel, then incredibly sweet. You never know what you are going to get, from one day to the next, or one hour to the next sometimes. Their cruelty to their significant other and immediate family is usually only shown in private and not in front of others. They often deny the reality of they people they abuse, and project their own behavior onto others. They refuse to take responsibility for their behavior, and usually either deny they ever said/did something wrong, or accuse the other person of something in order to justify their actions (e.g., if you hadn't done such and such, I wouldn't have said that.) Hence, they never apologize, or if they ever do, it is a hollow apology because their behavior doesn't change. This is all a function of their illness.

Borderline people rarely get better, because they deny that there is anything wrong with them. They believe it is everyone else who is to blame for whatever is going wrong in their lives. It is difficult to live with people like this. In my view, the only thing to do is leave, and realize that it is not your fault that they are like this. They are sick. They are toxic. Run away. Far away.

I don't know if this helps anyone. I hope it does.

Femmedoll, my heart goes out to you. I don't know what the deal is with your ex, but if she behaves this way, then don't take her back. She sounds like a really screwed up person and you are better off not being around her. Just know that not everyone is like this. You just have to learn to see the red flags early. Some help from a good therapist might help you to gain that skill. It helped me tremendously. I wish you all the best.

Drew

[Apocalipstic]

Great answer Atomic. We really don't know what happened.

I kind of think its pointless to read about what might be wrong with the ex in a situation like this, I think it is best to focus on ones self and get ones life together.

Who cares why the ex was an ass. All that matters is the bright and shining future filled with endless wonderful opportunity!

[Jet]

Doesn't sound like you knew her at all.
Been there, done that with no closure

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by Jet

Doesn't sound like you knew her at all.
Been there, done that with no closure

Me too, but I am sooooooo much happier now .

Closure can be over rated.

[SassyLeo]

***Moderation***
All-

This is a gentle moderation reminder that mental illness can manifest in many ways and can vary from person to person in how it shows up in life and relationships.

It is best not to make sweeping comments about it, specifically if it is not your *own* mental illness.

Thanks!
SassyLeo

***Moderation***

[atomiczombie]

If my comments were sweeping I apologize.