09-20-2017, 01:27 PM | #1 |
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Setting the bar high?
I wonder if people in the community would be interested in sharing views on whether Setting the Bar High is the proverbial magic bullet that serves to help you find an healthy romantic relationship.... especially one that endures over time.
I've always thought that standards I've set for myself would help govern the odds of finding the sweetest, kindest, most supportive love interest, which over time would lead to commitment and an healthy long term relationship. But I'm torn about the idea of "setting the bar high." In my mind, just because we seek to set the groundwork, in personal ways, to make sure we don't accept less than we deserve or end up in serial dating relationships, trying to find Ms Right or the best fit romantically, I'm interested in hearing from members in the community about whether 'setting the bar high' worked in your favor and worked toward the best interest of the other person you have been romantically involved with. My personal thoughts about "setting the bar high" revolve around the fact that just because we do that, it doesn't always guarantee that you'll end up with the right person. I'd like to think that looking out for ourselves and hoping to end up with the best possible romantic partner is a good thing to do, but I've only had one dating relationship in my life that seemed like it fit the "keep the bar high" type of personal standard....yet over time, we both chose to end our relationship based on circumstances out of our own control. It was a wonderful relationship, but it didn't last. Anyway, I hope people might be interested in talking about this type of thing. Some things I often ask myself, concerning setting the bar high is.... 1) What purpose is served? And... 2) Does it guarantee a better chance of an lasting relationship? I would like to see this subject explored in reasonable ways. If you've been wondering too, I'm interested in hearing your take on whether "setting the bar high" proved of any usefulness to you, at all. |
09-20-2017, 04:20 PM | #2 |
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I think the first criteria in a prospective partner has to be character, empathy, and integrity. It's impossible to set the bar too high with regards to those things. Same with values-you have to have enough to pull in the same direction, although it's possible to "create" commonality if you have a strong foundation. A lack in any one of those, and the relationship is doomed, no matter how much you have in common.
That gets into the issue of compatibility-do you have enough common interests and outlook to get along? I dobelieve absolutely that you can raise the bar too high in that area-"I'll only date someone if they like blues/jazz/Brubeck/rom-coms, etc. "I'll only date someone who is athletic", "They must play guitar"-you get the idea. The more areas of compatibility you have, obviously the more you'll have to talk about and do together. But it all goes to nothing if your bars are too low in values, ethics and integrity. Of course, nothing guarantees that you'll meet someone, or that other circumstances won't ruin the chance for a good relationship. But it is a guarantee that if your bar is too low that anyone can meet it, you are setting yourself up for frustrating and unsatisfying relationships.
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09-21-2017, 05:52 AM | #3 | |
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I agree with Grainne. Some standards are great but don't get carried away and ridiculous with it. To answer your questions directly, it serves a purpose of weeding out people that won't make you happy and satisfied. Does it guarantee a better chance of a lasting relationship? No. Nothing and no one can guarantee a 'lasting relationship' but it will go far in helping you find someone that will make the time you have with them joyful. |
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09-21-2017, 08:19 AM | #4 |
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Setting the "Bar" high apply's to all aspects of life. Friends, business assoc. etc...... BUT in my own PERSONAL opinion it's the bar you set on and for yourself..Other's are who they are ,and what we want is our perogative :seems I will always ( dance to that word ) lol I tend to set my bar too high , it is just who I am , I will lose interest if I didn't . I could never just settle.
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09-21-2017, 08:54 AM | #5 |
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I don't think we set out setting the bar high..but when life and love throw us a few curve balls in relationships..we eventually start making the list of what we do not want..and sometimes the list gets very very long I think you need decide on the bare basics according to you and you should limit it to ten things or less..preferably five! Keep it simple
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09-21-2017, 12:03 PM | #6 |
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I always thought that if you are going to be honest with anyone,be honest with yourself first.Nothing wrong with setting the bar high if you think you're worth it.. and you all are.
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09-21-2017, 03:55 PM | #7 | |
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I have some cast iron boundaries from have many relationships with folks - because I used to be a very open and experimental sort of gal. I went with "chemistry" and really that was pretty much the only thing that mattered in terms of dating (to me dating is not serious, it means getting to know people, no promises, no obligations - then after a period of time you can make decisions later). So my boundaries come from experience in getting to know myself in relationships, being married (and divorced), and spending a good solid 3 years on my own with no dating, no sex to get to know just me (something I had never done, since the age of 14, the longest I went without sex was one year and that didn't mean I didn't date). My boundaries that I know will work best for me, that will make me the very happiest, give me independence and companionship unfortunately set a descriptive "high bar." These are non negotiables for me to function as a mentally healthy person. Because these do not fall within "lesbian normative" (living together, quickstart romance, monogamy from the get go, couple of dogs together, share finances, etc) the "bar" is set very high indeed. "the bar" = someone who has the same wants and desires and values around relationship companionship, who also wants someone somewhat kinky (I'm more *filthy* than far end BDSM), femme, and has a similar sense of humour, and politics that won't piss me the fuck off. I'm open t;o butch, androg with masc flavours, gender queer masc, femme daddy-esque types. So I'm not playing a strictly limited field. Even though that sounds not very high, trust me, that's miles high. Too high for pretty much anyone I'm spoken to in the last 5 years, save one person. So for me, if "the bar" it too high, and I suspect is it in queer/lesboland in the age range of 38-58, I'm Spinster and I don't mind at all. I'm happy and content on my own, it would be nice to have sex and companionship, but I'm not exactly suffering and I've had more peace in the last 3 years than I've ever had in a r'ship. So, lol... yeah, bar stays where it is. |
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09-21-2017, 04:52 PM | #8 |
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High jump...
This is an interesting topic. As others have stated I don't believe in a long list of "secondary" qualities i.e. hair color, profession, wealth, lover of all things anime, etc. I am also attracted to both butch and femme women so there is that as well. Lists are funny things. I laugh because my BFF swore for *years* she would never date a woman with kids. She married her love two years ago and is a happy step-mom to three kids. I do believe in basic core qualities and for some time have kept a list of exactly what I was looking for and would accept in a relationship. Consequently I didn't date for close to four years. I had no problem with this as my life was still full and happy. I did make sure during that time that I set the bar high for myself as well. Fair is fair after all. Last week I came across the below article and although it was written with friendship in mind it can apply equally well to a romantic partner. It accurately sums up how I feel today about any relationship/friendship I engage in over time.
********************************* The quality of friendship “The rule of friendship,” the Buddha said, “means there should be mutual sympathy between them, each supplying what the other lacks and trying to benefit the other…” The words ring true. Friendship is not as much a matter of happenstance as we are inclined to think. Perhaps one of life’s most precious lessons is that we must learn to choose our friends as well as to find them. The corollary of this insight, of course, is that we must learn not to allow ourselves simply to fall into alliances and acquaintances that come and go like starlight on the water, exciting for a while but easily forgotten. We must learn, in other words, not to make life a playground of faceless, nameless people—all of whom are useful for a while but who never really touch the soul or stretch the mind or prod the conscience. On the contrary, the realization that friendship is one of the great spiritual resources of the human existence drives us beyond the superficial to the meaningful. It leads us to create relationships that count for something, rather than to simply wander from one casual social affair to another. It may, in fact, be the friends we make who most accurately measure the depth of our own souls. For that we are each responsible. To grow, then, requires that we provide for ourselves the kinds of relationships that demand more of us than continual immersion in the mundane. It requires us to surround ourselves with people who speak to the best part of us from the best part of themselves. It means that we must actively seek out as friends those who have something worth saying. And then we must learn to listen well to them so that they can hone our own best intuitions, challenge our least profound assumptions, point out directions that take us to another level of thought and care and determination. At times when life is most unclear, most confusing, we need … this quality of friendship. But only an awareness of our own limitations can possibly prepare us for it. by Sr.Joan Chittister OSB |
09-21-2017, 04:55 PM | #9 |
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I just got back from a long morning concerning an evaluation for physical therapy, and I can't unwind enough to take a rest or nap this afternoon, but I want to pause and reflect for several moments on comments posted by members of our community.
First, thank you for taking time to thoughtfully reply to the subject I feel that deserves attention. The subject of .... Setting The Bar High.. I really like what Grainne said in her post, that "the first criteria in an prospective partner has to.be character, empathy and integrity" (Gainne). I totally agree! Those characteristics are of primal importance to me, when it comes to 'setting the bar high'. I appreciate Gemme's take too, because as Gemme points out, 'setting the bar high' can devolve into setting precedent for anyone to utilize x, y or z standards as a way to justify an personal desire which might not be all that reasonable. I really liked how you explained your viewpoint Gemme! I absolutely LOVED your response Ocean because not only is it our perogative to exercise our choices but it is also an imperative to making choices that we know we can or cannot accept. That's been my experience now, for about the past few years. I'm always reviewing aspects about myself and making sure that I've set the bar high, not only for myself, but as it concerns romantic endeavors. I really appreciate your response Imperfect_cupcake! I so hear you about taking time out for you, finding out your own specific needs, desires and wants. For several years, before I dipped my toes into the dating pool again, I too took considerable time exploring previous decisions I've made in other relationships, as well as just enjoying life on my own, without being involved with anyone else. I totally hear you when you say you've had more peace in the past three years, on your own, and that the proverbial 'bar ' will stay where it is. A couple of other members posted too, but I don't know that the topic of honesty is part of the subject of "setting the bar high", but it COULD BE if one isn't being honest with themselves. I'm very honest with myself at all times. To be sure the topic stays on topic, I'd like to remind people that when you post, please remember that the topic I offered for discussion is not necessarily about me. It's an subject of discussion about what "Setting the bar high" means to you, and if it worked in your favor or not. One of the things I wonder about "setting the bar high" is unintended consequences. I think Gemme did a fine job illustrating this particular consequence, as well as Grainne. Grainne, in particular. Toward the end of Grainne's post, she said that if the "bar is set too low, anyone can meet it." Can I get an amen??? True story. If anyone can meet your expectations or standards in current life, does it mean you've met the right person? Alternatively, if the "bar is set high" does it mean the person you feel attraction for, is the right person? Remember, please, this is an general topic of discussion that I feel deserves attention. Not because I do or do not have the proverbial bar set high or low, but in general. I'm curious about the topic of Setting the bar high because life is not static. Life is full of ever changing dynamics... for example: health, short or long term illness, employment or sudden changes in employment, loss of employment after years on the job, sex --- ranging from low to high to non-existent need for sex, or other things can happen like natural disaster and dealing with the fallout, or any number of other things can happen....outside the context of setting the bar high. Which, in my mind, just because we've set the bar high in our lives, does it always mean that we'll act in our own best interest or will our own perception of standard we think is sufficient, will it still be sufficient in times of change? Thanks to all who've taken the time to reflect on this topic. I appreciate your response! And Katniss, thanks for your post too! Timely! |
09-21-2017, 04:57 PM | #10 | |
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09-21-2017, 05:57 PM | #11 |
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For me it is a combination of knowing what those core things are that I need to have in common or to be compatible with in a partner, along with staying open to realizing that you can end up being pleasantly surprised by someone who has characteristics, interests, etc. that you never thought you would be compatible with or enjoy in a person.
As I have gotten older, some "practical" things have become more important to me than they used to. I need things to be fairly quiet and stable, and I'm not so ready to just leap up to move across the country on a big risk for love. It doesn't mean I won't do it, but I am more cautious than I used to be and more aware of my own limitations - like being hypersensitive to noise. I can't just live anywhere or with anyone. So I think my bar has been raised - more in what I can risk or do maybe than what I necessarily expect from someone else. I think this is still on topic. I think knowing yourself and your own limitations and what you need is key to being able to have a healthy and lasting relationship, but certainly is no guarantee. So I guess my short answer is I believe in having my core things but also to being open to being pleasantly surprised. My bar might not be the highest, but I think it is higher than it used to be.
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09-21-2017, 06:06 PM | #12 | |
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thanks for your timely post! |
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09-22-2017, 12:49 PM | #13 |
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The past is never dead. It's not even past.”
― William Faulkner, Requiem for a Nun I was not going to post in this thread as it is open to the public and I do have a tendency to be a little too open at times. It works for me in the listening to each other thread but perhaps not a public one. I will say that I have no idea how to set the bar high or, even, how to set it too low. The premise of the thread is "...does setting the bar high help one to have a healthy, lasting, romantic relationship" (if I read it correctly). I have not ever had one, so how could I know? I think that my picker is broken and, in spite of long-term therapy and a great deal of insight gained: I still do not pick someone that is good for me. Next month it will be a year that I gathered my courage to walk out of an emotionally abusive relationship that was one month shy of 4 years. I still have tapes in my head of all of the things that she would tell me that she did not like about me or my person. It had taken years to finally turn off the tapes from my parents but then I picked someone just as good at it as they were. My 19 year relationship was not like that but it was negative in a different way. No need to rehash that. I used to blame both of my exes after the relationships were over for a multitudes of issues that caused us to fail as couples; but I don't do that anymore. I picked them. My deficits drew me to them. That is not their fault. They were who and what they are. What is my bar? I have no idea. I truly fear that I would not know or be attracted to a healthy relationship if I fell over it. Here I go being brutally honest again.
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09-22-2017, 01:02 PM | #14 | |
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And I am terribly honest with myself at all times, sometimes it's brutal. But in our own moment of clarity, especially so when we speak from our own experience, I think it's important to realize that in our own way, we're beautiful. You're an amazing friend and I value your presence in our community and the friendship we share. I think you're a marvelous person, just the way you are.... thanks for sharing, Anya!!! -- K-- |
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09-22-2017, 01:45 PM | #15 | |
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I believe you meet people for a reason, season or lifetime. I though she was for a lifetime. I scared her to death talking about "when we grow old together" after only knowing her a couple of weeks. The knowledge that we would grow old together made it easier to sign the consent form for putting her on a ventilator and dialysis years later; I knew she wasn't going to die. (She wound up rallying and not requiring either.) As it turned out, I met her and it was for a reason, not a lifetime. There was no foreseeing that when we met and I fell in love. Circumstances beyond her control radically changed her shortly into our relationship. At 14 years, she had healed enough for me to find myself again. I don't know if I'll do another list. I know what I'm looking for. I also know that things can change in an instant.
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09-22-2017, 02:23 PM | #16 |
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I probably stated this when I said it would take some time to date again and that my recently deceased girlfriend set the bar high.
She died a month ago and I am brokenhearted. For me, treating me with respect, supporting and encouraging me and always being on my side...set the bar high. I do not apologize for feeling this way.
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09-22-2017, 02:30 PM | #17 | |
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09-22-2017, 03:56 PM | #18 | |
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All of my dates subsequent to my last r'ship did not understand how much pressure I was under in a 3000 hour 2.5 year program (a bachelor's degree here is usually about 1500 hours over 4 years). So school forced me to put dating on hold. I tried finding casual sex partners (not one night stands, but someone who wanted a 2 times a month shag) but that was *impossible* at my age in lesboland here. Maybe I could get one night stands if I was dishonest about it, but I'm not that person, and I'm not into one night stands, really. Casual sex, sure. One night stands, no. So, no choice but to not pick anyone at all. And spend 3 years just on school, building a practice, career, and finding secure housing. Getting a cat. re-settling back into vancouver after 11 years abroad. Three years went by *very* fast. Thought a LOT about my picker. My picker was based on chemistry. Love, chemistry, and hard work solves all. No, it doesn't. And that I thought good things made up for bad things. Well they have this red flag/shitty habit, but they do this nice thing so they cancel each other out. No, it doesn't. I think that's where "the bar" comes in (aka in my case, I call the bar a mixture of boundaries and basic understanding of necessities I personally need in companionship). I had to find this book... I think it was about "establishing trust" after being betrayed in relationships. And it talked about lists. making lists. it was brilliant. It helped me make all these lists. And those lists were the start of me being able to make boundaries instead of trusting my picker, which is most definitely broken. I have *amazing* chemistry with really inappropriate people that I have smeary dysfunctional relationships with. Like off the charts chemistry. Pretty sure that's because of my own history. So, no, can't trust my picker either. So I have to make boundaries and have a basic understanding of what I need for myself independently for my own mental health, so I know I can keep that in having a relationship. And that means having someone respect my independence and my self knowledge from the get go. And I found it so difficult to be accepted, that it basically cut out all the people who would be insecure, impatient, and controlling right away. no need for a picker lol. But I'm still out of the dating pool till this post grad stuff is over with in Feb. Even then, I highly doubt there's anyone who'll date me. Not because I'm shit lol I'm ok, I'm not bad. I just don't want a "normal" relationship. Be where you are. I think not trusting your picker is perfectly valid. |
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09-22-2017, 07:14 PM | #19 |
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In my 20's the bar was set...well fuck the bar, if you breathed you got a date.
No job? No car? No future plans? Come to me baby! I had a lot of relationships where I was taken advantage of for money, cars, a place to stay...well I let them, so were they really bad? So, I decided that I had a minimum of who I would date: Real job Car or got around without my help Money to treat me out every so often Future goals (real attainable goals) Someone who could communicate their problems Someone who fought "clean" Someone who wanted to work at having it all, and they wanted it with me. When I say someone who fights "clean", I mean no name calling, no bringing up old garbage, and absolutely no physical violence of any form. I got married at 30 to a wonderful man who had every one of those qualities, but I "came out" and there you go. Not once in the 16 years we have been divorced did he say anything negative to me, or to my child about me. My Kasey meets all of those criteria, and more. The only time I broke those rules was someone I met on another site ( person not on this site) who had no car, had no job, basically had no home, and wanted to move in with me and my child. I dated for a bit, but quickly gave them the boot. Sorry if this is a bit disjointed, pain meds make me loopy. |
09-22-2017, 08:55 PM | #20 |
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God, I have so much to say about this but I don't even know where to start.
I'll apologize in advance because this will probably be a jumbled mess and I'm also trying to be careful and respectful of my own history. So, setting the bar high. I used to believe when I was much younger that setting the bar high meant you demanded a certain level of respect and that it would look the same in every relationship. I guess it IS true for me on some level because I do want the basic respect of treating me nicely, honesty, and hearing me out on my opinions if we disagree but fuck, that comes in friendships too so it feels like a baseline for basic human interaction. I'll say this, as I've gotten older and been through some shit I now think of "setting the bar high" as maintaining a set of boundaries that are just completely non-negotiable at this stage in my life. Is it necessary to set the bar high i.e. maintain boundaries? HELL YES. Otherwise, who am I at my core? A person who is just a fucking doormat who won't speak up when someone shits all over me? A person who just accepts whatever bad behavior that my love interest wants to throw my way? A person who feels responsible for allowing other people to work out their damage at my expense? Nope. Nuh uh. Not this girl. I have learned better boundaries and what a higher bar looks like in every relationship I've been in and thankfully, nine times out of ten I've also learned how to ask for what I WANT versus knowing what I DON'T WANT. Knowing what I don't want has gotten easier with time and relationships. I don't want to be partnered to a person who lives in constant negativity. I don't want to be with an addict. I don't want to be with someone who is mean-hearted or ignorant. I don't want to be with someone who is emotionally dishonest. Those were things that I didn't know were "Hell No's" for me when I was younger. My bar was set pretty low at "Do they like me?" and "Do I enjoy being around them?"...and that's all self-worth shit at play. Me thinking I didn't get to want better for myself. But now at the age of 41, I'm all "this is what I want". I WANT a person with a wide-open heart even if it carries the scars of relationships past. I WANT a person who is committed to living a healthy, non-addicted lifestyle. I WANT a person who knows my value and who doesn't want to change me but who also will expect me to be my best. I WANT a person who will pull their weight. I WANT a person who is as horrified by abusive, manipulative behavior as I am. I WANT a person who not only understands my quirks but who embraces them (because I'm the girl wearing a unicorn horn or a tiara while I clean the house because it makes me feel more magical and makes for easier work!) And I KNOW I deserve all of that because I am a hell of a catch, a hell of a good-ass woman, and a fine, healthy, sexy, smoldering Femme with a brain you could die in and a mouth you could bathe in. (this is me knowing my value, and it's not without a hard-fought battle) And thankfully I've learned my lessons and done my work and have been rewarded with magical, healthy, abiding, substantial, sturdy, soul-shattering love. So, is it worth it to make boundaries and set your bar high? HELL YES.
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. . . Last edited by Medusa; 09-22-2017 at 08:57 PM. |
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