Setting the bar high?

[BullDog]

For me it is a combination of knowing what those core things are that I need to have in common or to be compatible with in a partner, along with staying open to realizing that you can end up being pleasantly surprised by someone who has characteristics, interests, etc. that you never thought you would be compatible with or enjoy in a person.

As I have gotten older, some "practical" things have become more important to me than they used to. I need things to be fairly quiet and stable, and I'm not so ready to just leap up to move across the country on a big risk for love. It doesn't mean I won't do it, but I am more cautious than I used to be and more aware of my own limitations - like being hypersensitive to noise. I can't just live anywhere or with anyone. So I think my bar has been raised - more in what I can risk or do maybe than what I necessarily expect from someone else. I think this is still on topic.

I think knowing yourself and your own limitations and what you need is key to being able to have a healthy and lasting relationship, but certainly is no guarantee.

So I guess my short answer is I believe in having my core things but also to being open to being pleasantly surprised. My bar might not be the highest, but I think it is higher than it used to be.

[Kätzchen]

Originally Posted by BullDog

For me it is a combination of knowing what those core things are that I need to have in common or to be compatible with in a partner, along with staying open to realizing that you can end up being pleasantly surprised by someone who has characteristics, interests, etc. that you never thought you would be compatible with or enjoy in a person.

As I have gotten older, some "practical" things have become more important to me than they used to. I need things to be fairly quiet and stable, and I'm not so ready to just leap up to move across the country on a big risk for love. It doesn't mean I won't do it, but I am more cautious than I used to be and more aware of my own limitations - like being hypersensitive to noise. I can't just live anywhere or with anyone. So I think my bar has been raised - more in what I can risk or do maybe than what I necessarily expect from someone else. I think this is still on topic.

I think knowing yourself and your own limitations and what you need is key to being able to have a healthy and lasting relationship, but certainly is no guarantee.

So I guess my short answer is I believe in having my core things but also to being open to being pleasantly surprised. My bar might not be the highest, but I think it is higher than it used to be.

You've grown so much over the past decade (and a half), Bulldog. I surely appreciate your own self reflection in coming to understand yourself in terms of your own limitations as contrasted by what makes your life feel right for you.

thanks for your timely post!

[*Anya*]

The past is never dead. It's not even past.”

― William Faulkner, Requiem for a Nun

I was not going to post in this thread as it is open to the public and I do have a tendency to be a little too open at times. It works for me in the listening to each other thread but perhaps not a public one.

I will say that I have no idea how to set the bar high or, even, how to set it too low.

The premise of the thread is "...does setting the bar high help one to have a healthy, lasting, romantic relationship" (if I read it correctly).

I have not ever had one, so how could I know?

I think that my picker is broken and, in spite of long-term therapy and a great deal of insight gained: I still do not pick someone that is good for me.

Next month it will be a year that I gathered my courage to walk out of an emotionally abusive relationship that was one month shy of 4 years. I still have tapes in my head of all of the things that she would tell me that she did not like about me or my person.

It had taken years to finally turn off the tapes from my parents but then I picked someone just as good at it as they were.

My 19 year relationship was not like that but it was negative in a different way.

No need to rehash that.

I used to blame both of my exes after the relationships were over for a multitudes of issues that caused us to fail as couples; but I don't do that anymore.

I picked them. My deficits drew me to them. That is not their fault. They were who and what they are.

What is my bar? I have no idea. I truly fear that I would not know or be attracted to a healthy relationship if I fell over it.

Here I go being brutally honest again.

[Kätzchen]

Originally Posted by *Anya*

The past is never dead. It's not even past.”

― William Faulkner, Requiem for a Nun

I was not going to post in this thread as it is open to the public and I do have a tendency to be a little too open at times. It works for me in the listening to each other thread but perhaps not a public one.

I will say that I have no idea how to set the bar high or, even, how to set it too low.

The premise of the thread is "...does setting the bar high help one to have a healthy, lasting, romantic relationship" (if I read it correctly).

I have not ever had one, so how could I know?

I think that my picker is broken and, in spite of long-term therapy and a great deal of insight gained: I still do not pick someone that is good for me.

Next month it will be a year that I gathered my courage to walk out of an emotionally abusive relationship that was one month shy of 4 years. I still have tapes in my head of all of the things that she would tell me that she did not like about me or my person.

It had taken years to finally turn off the tapes from my parents but then I picked someone just as good at it as they were.

My 19 year relationship was not like that but it was negative in a different way.

No need to rehash that.

I used to blame both of my exes after the relationships were over for a multitudes of issues that caused us to fail as couples; but I don't do that anymore.

I picked them. My deficits drew me to them. That is not their fault. They were who and what they are.

What is my bar? I have no idea. I truly fear that I would not know or be attracted to a healthy relationship if I fell over it.

Here I go being brutally honest again.

Anya??? Your response is nearly mine, word for word.

And I am terribly honest with myself at all times, sometimes it's brutal. But in our own moment of clarity, especially so when we speak from our own experience, I think it's important to realize that in our own way, we're beautiful. You're an amazing friend and I value your presence in our community and the friendship we share.

I think you're a marvelous person, just the way you are....
thanks for sharing, Anya!!!

-- K--

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by *Anya*

The past is never dead. It's not even past.”

― William Faulkner, Requiem for a Nun

I was not going to post in this thread as it is open to the public and I do have a tendency to be a little too open at times. It works for me in the listening to each other thread but perhaps not a public one.

I will say that I have no idea how to set the bar high or, even, how to set it too low.

The premise of the thread is "...does setting the bar high help one to have a healthy, lasting, romantic relationship" (if I read it correctly).

I have not ever had one, so how could I know?

I think that my picker is broken and, in spite of long-term therapy and a great deal of insight gained: I still do not pick someone that is good for me.

Next month it will be a year that I gathered my courage to walk out of an emotionally abusive relationship that was one month shy of 4 years. I still have tapes in my head of all of the things that she would tell me that she did not like about me or my person.

It had taken years to finally turn off the tapes from my parents but then I picked someone just as good at it as they were.

My 19 year relationship was not like that but it was negative in a different way.

No need to rehash that.

I used to blame both of my exes after the relationships were over for a multitudes of issues that caused us to fail as couples; but I don't do that anymore.

I picked them. My deficits drew me to them. That is not their fault. They were who and what they are.

What is my bar? I have no idea. I truly fear that I would not know or be attracted to a healthy relationship if I fell over it.

Here I go being brutally honest again.

<3 I hear you. I was terrified my picker was busted. I did not trust my judgement at all after my last "it's complicated" r'ship ran off with a friendly acquaintance and married them. My exwife had a drink issue and run off with someone else. The long term before her was a serious pot addict. The long term before her had a gambling problem and even though we had an open r'ship, she had two other *girlfriends* I wasn't aware of, not shags, the entire 2 years I was seeing her. I won't go back further than that, it gets embarrassing.

All of my dates subsequent to my last r'ship did not understand how much pressure I was under in a 3000 hour 2.5 year program (a bachelor's degree here is usually about 1500 hours over 4 years).

So school forced me to put dating on hold. I tried finding casual sex partners (not one night stands, but someone who wanted a 2 times a month shag) but that was *impossible* at my age in lesboland here. Maybe I could get one night stands if I was dishonest about it, but I'm not that person, and I'm not into one night stands, really. Casual sex, sure. One night stands, no.

So, no choice but to not pick anyone at all. And spend 3 years just on school, building a practice, career, and finding secure housing. Getting a cat. re-settling back into vancouver after 11 years abroad. Three years went by *very* fast. Thought a LOT about my picker.

My picker was based on chemistry. Love, chemistry, and hard work solves all.

No, it doesn't.

And that I thought good things made up for bad things. Well they have this red flag/shitty habit, but they do this nice thing so they cancel each other out.

No, it doesn't.

I think that's where "the bar" comes in (aka in my case, I call the bar a mixture of boundaries and basic understanding of necessities I personally need in companionship).

I had to find this book... I think it was about "establishing trust" after being betrayed in relationships. And it talked about lists. making lists. it was brilliant. It helped me make all these lists. And those lists were the start of me being able to make boundaries instead of trusting my picker, which is most definitely broken. I have *amazing* chemistry with really inappropriate people that I have smeary dysfunctional relationships with. Like off the charts chemistry. Pretty sure that's because of my own history.

So, no, can't trust my picker either. So I have to make boundaries and have a basic understanding of what I need for myself independently for my own mental health, so I know I can keep that in having a relationship. And that means having someone respect my independence and my self knowledge from the get go. And I found it so difficult to be accepted, that it basically cut out all the people who would be insecure, impatient, and controlling right away.

no need for a picker lol.

But I'm still out of the dating pool till this post grad stuff is over with in Feb. Even then, I highly doubt there's anyone who'll date me. Not because I'm shit lol I'm ok, I'm not bad. I just don't want a "normal" relationship.

Be where you are. I think not trusting your picker is perfectly valid.

[MsTinkerbelly]

In my 20's the bar was set...well fuck the bar, if you breathed you got a date.

No job?
No car?
No future plans?

Come to me baby!

I had a lot of relationships where I was taken advantage of for money, cars, a place to stay...well I let them, so were they really bad?

So, I decided that I had a minimum of who I would date:

Real job
Car or got around without my help
Money to treat me out every so often
Future goals (real attainable goals)
Someone who could communicate their problems
Someone who fought "clean"
Someone who wanted to work at having it all, and they wanted it with me.

When I say someone who fights "clean", I mean no name calling, no bringing up old garbage, and absolutely no physical violence of any form.

I got married at 30 to a wonderful man who had every one of those qualities, but I "came out" and there you go. Not once in the 16 years we have been divorced did he say anything negative to me, or to my child about me.

My Kasey meets all of those criteria, and more.

The only time I broke those rules was someone I met on another site ( person not on this site) who had no car, had no job, basically had no home, and wanted to move in with me and my child. I dated for a bit, but quickly gave them the boot.

Sorry if this is a bit disjointed, pain meds make me loopy.

[Medusa]

God, I have so much to say about this but I don't even know where to start.

I'll apologize in advance because this will probably be a jumbled mess and I'm also trying to be careful and respectful of my own history.

So, setting the bar high.
I used to believe when I was much younger that setting the bar high meant you demanded a certain level of respect and that it would look the same in every relationship. I guess it IS true for me on some level because I do want the basic respect of treating me nicely, honesty, and hearing me out on my opinions if we disagree but fuck, that comes in friendships too so it feels like a baseline for basic human interaction.

I'll say this, as I've gotten older and been through some shit I now think of "setting the bar high" as maintaining a set of boundaries that are just completely non-negotiable at this stage in my life.

Is it necessary to set the bar high i.e. maintain boundaries? HELL YES.
Otherwise, who am I at my core? A person who is just a fucking doormat who won't speak up when someone shits all over me? A person who just accepts whatever bad behavior that my love interest wants to throw my way? A person who feels responsible for allowing other people to work out their damage at my expense? Nope. Nuh uh. Not this girl.

I have learned better boundaries and what a higher bar looks like in every relationship I've been in and thankfully, nine times out of ten I've also learned how to ask for what I WANT versus knowing what I DON'T WANT.

Knowing what I don't want has gotten easier with time and relationships. I don't want to be partnered to a person who lives in constant negativity. I don't want to be with an addict. I don't want to be with someone who is mean-hearted or ignorant. I don't want to be with someone who is emotionally dishonest. Those were things that I didn't know were "Hell No's" for me when I was younger. My bar was set pretty low at "Do they like me?" and "Do I enjoy being around them?"...and that's all self-worth shit at play. Me thinking I didn't get to want better for myself.

But now at the age of 41, I'm all "this is what I want". I WANT a person with a wide-open heart even if it carries the scars of relationships past. I WANT a person who is committed to living a healthy, non-addicted lifestyle. I WANT a person who knows my value and who doesn't want to change me but who also will expect me to be my best. I WANT a person who will pull their weight. I WANT a person who is as horrified by abusive, manipulative behavior as I am. I WANT a person who not only understands my quirks but who embraces them (because I'm the girl wearing a unicorn horn or a tiara while I clean the house because it makes me feel more magical and makes for easier work!)
And I KNOW I deserve all of that because I am a hell of a catch, a hell of a good-ass woman, and a fine, healthy, sexy, smoldering Femme with a brain you could die in and a mouth you could bathe in. (this is me knowing my value, and it's not without a hard-fought battle)

And thankfully I've learned my lessons and done my work and have been rewarded with magical, healthy, abiding, substantial, sturdy, soul-shattering love.

So, is it worth it to make boundaries and set your bar high? HELL YES.