So far

[owen4u1904]

I have not been very active the past couple of weeks on here and I do not like it all. I hardly know any of you but I feel like you are my family. Sorry if this seems like a story, but writing it in a journal style for no one to see is not going to help me. I recently came out in December and was so happy I came out. Unfortunately I live in an area where I hardly know any lesbians, butch, femme whoever. I was finally happy except I was not all the way true with myself.

I am a very open person to my friends but when it comes to my family I am not and I want to be soo badly. I have kept things bottled up that it has hurt for so long. I never take a stand for myself and I need to! When I was 6 or so my father cheated on my mom and I remember being in the house where the lady lived. All of my family knows I know but never openly discussed it. Move on to age 11 or so. I developed trichotillomania (a hair pulling disorder)--once again everyone knew but it was never discussed. Skip ahead to my freshman year in college. My favorite aunt died, started doing drugs, got pregnant when I thought for sure I was falling hard for my best friend aka my big sis in my sorority so I stayed in the "closet". The pregnancy and the death of my aunt we never talked about. Then I got pregnant again 3 months after having my 1st daughter. We did adoption but nothing was ever talked about. I started therapy that year as well as going back to school. I chose social work but I did not understand it whatsoever. I do now but its not something I see myself in to make money. Therapy sucked basically when the family started to come and I stopped. I got on birthcontrol and never slept with a single guy since then for 4-5 years. I was about ready to come out again after developing crushes on certain ladies at my workplace. Then I got depressed once my classes that I disliked started getting harder. I pulled out my hair more and slept with a guy yet again then I got even more depressed.

See a pattern yet?

It did not work but I learned ways to hide my trich and then the state funded clinic closed. I had no insurance and everything went downhill from there. I recently got hip, dropped out of college and was finally finding myself and who I wanted to be in life. I switched to nightshift at work, make more money and get to see my daughter more and I met someone wonderful who is my best friend now. Nothing will prolly ever happen between us but she is there for me no matter what. We was in a wreck one night coming back from a town close by and it totalled my car. I lost myself, I was not able to go anywhere I was stuck in this house. I also have HPV which is scary too. Threw coming out, HPV, trich, no car and other BS and it got me way down. I was down to the point where I did not care anymore. I figured everyone stomps all over me anyways especially my family I might as well just let them. Then my daughter was being threatened to be taken away by my brother. I nearly died, I attempted suicide last week which is hard to say. I am going to the same therapist I saw the 2nd time and since I have a feeling that the family therapy session is going to not work I did not go last week. It is what our family needs though and its scary.

I want to badly to be happy, dont get me wrong I am not completely depressed I dont think. I am happy but I get sad way more easily then most other people I believe. I am breaking away from my youth church I went to. I was raised Catholic and I love that but at the same time I do not agree with everything and I love going to a good Christian based church where everyone is open and the music is awesome and I do not feel judged.

After last week I do not want to see myself there ever again. I am going to call my therapist tomm and make an appt with her. I hope I will be here for alot longer and I want to see everyones posts and threads here every day. They all make me smile and it gives me something positive to show to my family that being a lesbian is not a bad thing which since coming out has never been discussed, not even once.

Thank you everyone for letting me post this. I LOVE YOU ALL!

[WILDCAT]

Originally Posted by rbentley1904

I have not been very active the past couple of weeks on here and I do not like it all. I hardly know any of you but I feel like you are my family. Sorry if this seems like a story, but writing it in a journal style for no one to see is not going to help me. I recently came out in December and was so happy I came out. Unfortunately I live in an area where I hardly know any lesbians, butch, femme whoever. I was finally happy except I was not all the way true with myself.

I am a very open person to my friends but when it comes to my family I am not and I want to be soo badly. I have kept things bottled up that it has hurt for so long. I never take a stand for myself and I need to! When I was 6 or so my father cheated on my mom and I remember being in the house where the lady lived. All of my family knows I know but never openly discussed it. Move on to age 11 or so. I developed trichotillomania (a hair pulling disorder)--once again everyone knew but it was never discussed. Skip ahead to my freshman year in college. My favorite aunt died, started doing drugs, got pregnant when I thought for sure I was falling hard for my best friend aka my big sis in my sorority so I stayed in the "closet". The pregnancy and the death of my aunt we never talked about. Then I got pregnant again 3 months after having my 1st daughter. We did adoption but nothing was ever talked about. I started therapy that year as well as going back to school. I chose social work but I did not understand it whatsoever. I do now but its not something I see myself in to make money. Therapy sucked basically when the family started to come and I stopped. I got on birthcontrol and never slept with a single guy since then for 4-5 years. I was about ready to come out again after developing crushes on certain ladies at my workplace. Then I got depressed once my classes that I disliked started getting harder. I pulled out my hair more and slept with a guy yet again then I got even more depressed.

See a pattern yet?

It did not work but I learned ways to hide my trich and then the state funded clinic closed. I had no insurance and everything went downhill from there. I recently got hip, dropped out of college and was finally finding myself and who I wanted to be in life. I switched to nightshift at work, make more money and get to see my daughter more and I met someone wonderful who is my best friend now. Nothing will prolly ever happen between us but she is there for me no matter what. We was in a wreck one night coming back from a town close by and it totalled my car. I lost myself, I was not able to go anywhere I was stuck in this house. I also have HPV which is scary too. Threw coming out, HPV, trich, no car and other BS and it got me way down. I was down to the point where I did not care anymore. I figured everyone stomps all over me anyways especially my family I might as well just let them. Then my daughter was being threatened to be taken away by my brother. I nearly died, I attempted suicide last week which is hard to say. I am going to the same therapist I saw the 2nd time and since I have a feeling that the family therapy session is going to not work I did not go last week. It is what our family needs though and its scary.

I want to badly to be happy, dont get me wrong I am not completely depressed I dont think. I am happy but I get sad way more easily then most other people I believe. I am breaking away from my youth church I went to. I was raised Catholic and I love that but at the same time I do not agree with everything and I love going to a good Christian based church where everyone is open and the music is awesome and I do not feel judged.

After last week I do not want to see myself there ever again. I am going to call my therapist tomm and make an appt with her. I hope I will be here for alot longer and I want to see everyones posts and threads here every day. They all make me smile and it gives me something positive to show to my family that being a lesbian is not a bad thing which since coming out has never been discussed, not even once.

Thank you everyone for letting me post this. I LOVE YOU ALL!

___

THANK YOU for sharing. WE LOVE YOU!

This was so very courageous of you to share such personal information.

Please, continue to share, reach out - and get ALL of the support that you possibly can.

For many of us, our community is more like our "family" than our blood relatives are - or it's also part of our family or like a second family... (?)

I can feel your pain here. Keep moving forward SIS! Things certainly do ebb and flow throughout life - and sometimes the pain does feel unbearable, yes. (Let us know that you made your appointment, OK?!)

And I'm not sure where you live, as in town/city vs. how rural...(?) When I need to consider emergency help, I would have to reach out to 911 - or go to the closest ER (or hopefully ask for help to get there), depending on the time of day/night.

PEACE AND LOVE!


Wildcat

*Congrats on finally COMING OUT!!!

**Spring is here!! How symbolic for you!

[Andrew, Jr.]

rbentley1904,

I can feel your pain and agony. My younger brother did commit suicide when he was just 15 yo. My life has not been the same since then. Please, please reach out for help. Go talk, and talk, and talk. I don't care who you talk too. Just get the pain out there. Yes, we are your "family" of sorts.

Wildcat was 100% right in his post to you. Listen to him.

Much love to you,
Andrew

[owen4u1904]

Thanks to everyone who have sent me messages. I still cried last night, I have no clue why either. I called in last thursday so a couple a of managers know why. But then I work with another lady who closes and alot and she did not understand why it said personal next to it and also why the other two managers at the store would not tell them anything when they asked. We was having a stupid play fight at work containing pop and some whip cream and I flipped out more then someone should when a chick threw pop in my face. When I came out of the bathroom I had tears rolling down my face and that is when I told my manager what I did last week. I think it kinda helps to tell people what I did. Anyways though, I find out my schedule for next week so I will call for an appt next week when I get to work. And like I said, thank you everyone!

[Apocalipstic]

So sorry you are going through this! So sorry!

You are very brave for talking about it!

Does your family have to be a part of your therapy? It sounds like you could use some one on one time with the therapist till you get your head together.

I wish you all the best and know that we are thinking about you!

[Just_G]

Rb,
I totally know all about the trich! I also have it and have dealth with it since I was 12 and dealing with my parents divorce, adolescence, and starting a new school. For YEARS, my family would tell me just to "stop doing it". People that do not have it or do not know about it, do not get it. Several years ago, I went to a seminar here in KC, put on by the trich learning center. I took my dad, and to this day, he says that was the most educational thing he had ever attended. He had no idea how much people suffered because of this disorder.

About a year ago, I started cutting my own hair because I got tired of explaining why I had a patch of baldness on the back of my head. Now, I can cut my hair to disguise it, but it doesn't keep me from talking about it to people. A lot of my friends on this site know about it. I know that I consider myself very lucky in that I have a very mild case of the disorder. I keep my hands busy doing things around the house, and wear a LOT of hats. I recently started back to school after 20 years and I always sit in the back row so nobody will notice the back of my head.

Hairpulling messes with people's confidence and self respect. I found some great resources at www.trich.org. I have found that talking about it and educating people about it has really helped me deal with it.

You have a lot of things going on in your life right now, and I hope you get the help you need to overcome in your life. You have the strength to do it...have faith.

Good luck to you-
G

[Apocalipstic]

When I am wayy stressed, I pull out my eyelashes and my hair fall out all on its own.

[owen4u1904]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

So sorry you are going through this! So sorry!

You are very brave for talking about it!

Does your family have to be a part of your therapy? It sounds like you could use some one on one time with the therapist till you get your head together.

I wish you all the best and know that we are thinking about you!

I think so, I have already been going by myself. This is my 3rd try and each time I quit before the family starts to come. My family does not discuss things that have made a huge impact in my life. My therapist did say I need to stand up for myself which is a weakness of mine cause I dont.

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by rbentley1904

I think so, I have already been going by myself. This is my 3rd try and each time I quit before the family starts to come. My family does not discuss things that have made a huge impact in my life. My therapist did say I need to stand up for myself which is a weakness of mine cause I dont.

Do you live with your family?

[owen4u1904]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

Do you live with your family?

Yes I do. I had my daughter without any money and its not that easy trying to save up money when you have to pay bills.

[Medusa]

Rb,
I just wanted to come in here and wish you some love and peace. It sounds like you are going through a lot and need some extra support.
Remember that you are perfect just the way you are, that your history and your trials are all part of that perfection.

I hope you are feeling some love these days. Keep your head up.

huggle,
me

[Rockinonahigh]

Rb
I know how hard it is to deal with family that gives u to no end of probs.Hear we have a place called harmony house its a place for women and kids to stay till they can get on theire feet.They also help with education,Dr,s and gov.assistance of all kinds if u need it,they have job training and job placement.Look around and see if u can find a place like that then see what they can help u with..hear they will pick u up if u need a ride to the place.
I wish they had a place like it when I was 19 cause I shure would have taken advantage of it.Much luck my friend.
Rockin

[owen4u1904]

Originally Posted by Rockinonahigh

Rb
I know how hard it is to deal with family that gives u to no end of probs.Hear we have a place called harmony house its a place for women and kids to stay till they can get on theire feet.They also help with education,Dr,s and gov.assistance of all kinds if u need it,they have job training and job placement.Look around and see if u can find a place like that then see what they can help u with..hear they will pick u up if u need a ride to the place.
I wish they had a place like it when I was 19 cause I shure would have taken advantage of it.Much luck my friend.
Rockin

I actually helped volunteer at an abuse shelter. I asked my trainer if I would quialify (sp?) for it but under the law we have for the house it is only for women who have been physically abused. It has been a good two or three months since we have had a client in our home and I was not thinking about 3 weeks ago when I redid my bathroom and I put the same decor in it. You can find it at K mart and it talks about love, hope, passion, faith, etc.

and Medusa, thank you. I do try to think God would not have given me more then I can handle. I guess the hardest part is not openly discussing everything that has happened. Which is what I want to do so much.

[Andrew, Jr.]

rbentley1904,

I have been praying for you. I know that you are going thru a rough time, but it will get better. Have faith. Have hope. We are all here supporting you.

Peace & Love,
Andrew

[Apocalipstic]

I am so sorry you are in that environment. I am sending healing vibes to you.

Hugs,

Jen

Ps. I am so happy you have your little girl, you are beautiful together in your photo.