Ireparably Broken?

[RadiantYearning]

I searched a bit, although I'm not entirely familiar with the threads, and I didn't see anything like this so I apologize if it's a repeat.

Has anyone felt this inexplicable disconnect from feeling and your heart in general after a difficult, emotionally abusive relationship? It has been well over 2 years since I broke up with my ex and I still find myself unable to feel anything. I have had people interested in me and there's this absolute disconnect with emotion, empathy, passion. Everyone said, give it time, which I have ... and yet I still find myself questioning what my heart is even capable of anymore. My ex and I have even spoken of this and hy says, not everyone is me, give them a chance ... but I'm terrified of finding myself "trapped" in a similar situation so I have avoided feeling anything for anyone for a long time.

I'm not looking for anyone to solve my problem for me, I know that's an answer that only I can find from within. I was just wondering if anyone else has gone through this, thoughts, opinions?

[Starbuck]

I went through a similar thing after my abusive ex-husband. I was completely numb, didn't know if I could feel love towards anyone else, much less myself, I didn't care about myself, I didn't see a future for myself, couldn't sleep, had nightmares of the same thing or similar things happening again, I just felt miserable. But the worst part was having to turn to my then partner and telling them that I didn't know if I loved them, when I knew I should. I just didnt feel anything! I was then diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. You don't have to be in an abusive relationship to have it, it can happen after a car wreck too. So keep it mind, okay hon? If you feel like you need help, there is no shame in getting help!! Whether it's PTSD or depression, it's as real as heart disease or diabetes and it's not "just in your head".

[SoNotHer]

and thank you for it. I think it is hard to make the transition out of an abusive relationship into a positive one, and all I can tell you is that I'm there. And I don't always know what will be pull me back or shut me down. But I'm learning, and I like the people who are coming into my life again and anew after a three-year vacuum.

Your name suggests to me that you hope, feel and desire deeply. So do I. All good. We just have to do what we need to do for ourselves in these interstitial places of healing.

I don't just want good or better or safer next time. I want the one who fulfills the quote I posted in the "random" thread - the one who makes it clear why the others never worked out.

Take care of yourself in this time. It will happen again. Promise. :-)

[little_ms_sunshyne]

Yes been there. Emotionally abusive relationship and all. Often I said I cried until I couldnt feel anymore. I was in a bad place inside. Sometime during all the chaos I lost myself.

You are right. It is up to you,but it doesnt hurt to have a great support system. What finally helped me snap out of it was doing things for me. I made a list of all the things I wanted to do that I had missed out on. Everything from wearing skirts again to travelling. I then began a healthy routine. This helped make time for me. It wasnt until I learned to really love myself that I was able to open up to others. I just came back to life.

Every now and then I get into a funk, but I,surround myself with those I love and its healing.

Good luck on your journey. Remember, it starts with you

[Gráinne]

I think a better question would be, Who hasn't been there? Certainly, I have, and I know advice like "snap out of it" or "just start dating again" doesn't work.

However, having said that, there is such a thing as getting "stuck" in that protective little place, never working through things so you can move on. By walling yourself off from all feelings, you avoid getting hurt, yes, but you also miss out on life's pleasures, too. That's where professional help may be something to consider.

One thing just to think about: if you had an emotionally abusive relationship with your ex, is keeping her in your world a help or a hindrance to your moving on? Unless your ex has done a lot of work on himself, be real sure that you aren't playing the same games and patterns now.

[RadiantYearning]

Thank you, you've all had such wonderful things to say ...

Starbuck ... I met someone about a year or so ago that I dated very briefly. And you're right, looking at her and saying, I love you but I don't think I'm capable of falling in love with you broke my heart as much as hers because she was a lot of the things I thought I needed in my life. I never considered PTSD but I am currently in counseling.

LittleMs ... I'm working hard to find myself again. There are so many things that I let derail because of this relationship. My support system fell apart in the midst of it all and so my support system became my one good friend who has listened and stood by me regardless. One thing I've focused heavily on is improving my physique and working out, exercise has so many positive benefits. Thank you for sharing your experience with me. I'm happy to hear that you've been able to heal through it all.

SoNotHer ... *big hugs* I love positive people. Thank you for your radiant words and I'm very happy for you. I hope your world continues to be a happy, safe one for you.

Guihong ... I'm in counseling but oddly enough I've never addressed the extent of damage from the emotional abuse with my counselor. My ex and I have remained in contact throughout the break up and even as recently as late I feel hym pulling at my heart strings in some regards. Hy claims that hy has changed dramatically but I don't see the actions to accompany the claims of change, if that makes any sense. I know that isolating myself from hym, at least long enough for me to heal, may very well be something that I have to do.

Thank you all for sharing and caring with a stranger ...

[SoNotHer]

My pleasure, RY. I have found that working out again and focusing on my health has been a great way to reclaim something.

After a period of less and less contact, I finally had to get to the place of no contact with my ex, thus ending everything but the memory of the abuse, which is enough to deal with. I guess I had some notion that there could be a soft landing, but at some point, it was clear to me every communication, regardless of the content, was taken as a sign that we might get back together.

Do what's right by you and for you. That's all you really owe anybody. And put that big love into things like working out, or painting, or long walks, or visits with friends or whatever you know will bring you joy without guilt, shame or pain.

:-)

[RadiantYearning]

Originally Posted by SoNotHer

I guess I had some notion that there could be a soft landing, but at some point, it was clear to me every communication, regardless of the content, was taken as a sign that we might get back together.

It's amazing the similarities in situations. After I had ended the relationship, very straight-forward and very specifically, my ex still considered that I was cheating on hym when I started dating this other person months later. I ended the new relationship because my heart was still aching for my ex, despite the damage that had been done. I think about this ended relationship a lot lately and how much I hurt that other person who was an innocent person in my disaster. I think about whether or not my ex has changed as much as hy says hy has.

So much damage has been done that I am cold hearted now. I want to be able to love with heart and soul again. There have been times when I see a glimmer of hope ... but then other times, like tonight, when I wonder if I'll ever be capable of giving myself wholly to another again.

[SoNotHer]

Originally Posted by RadiantYearning

It's amazing the similarities in situations. After I had ended the relationship, very straight-forward and very specifically, my ex still considered that I was cheating on hym when I started dating this other person months later. So much damage has been done that I am cold hearted now. I want to be able to love with heart and soul again. There have been times when I see a glimmer of hope ... but then other times, like tonight, when I wonder if I'll ever be capable of giving myself wholly to another again.

I would have had the same response, RY. As much as this sounds like a cliche, love became obsession/possession. And anything and everything I did for my own self was construed as some kind of betrayal.

My soul had stopped growing, and I knew every time I was abused, some part of me went under. I did not think about resuscitation. I did not think about resurrection. had no idea I would ever need to think such stuff. I thought I was resilient. I thought I could take it all. I thought, I always thought, things were always just about to get better.

All I can tell you is that the quality of the people I am meeting now is far superior to anything I knew or let myself experience. I don't know how much of me is still buried, is still lost. But when dear friends start coming back into me, friends who my ex alienated, and they tell me that they are seeing the return of me, I take that as a very good sign.

That you are even asking this and reaching out to people is a very good sign. There's a part of you that very much wants to believe again. And with your wits about and the lessons of this learned, you will find that shining knight. Truly. :-)

[apretty]

Originally Posted by RadiantYearning

Has anyone felt this inexplicable disconnect from feeling and your heart in general after a difficult, emotionally abusive relationship?

In addition to feeling disconnected from people and myself I also felt completely unwilling to try again, let alone let anyone else into my heart.

Finally, I sought therapy and began working on myself--I also had to look at what made me stay with that disgusting, lying, cheating, pig-fucker, and own my part in choosing someone like that and allowing it to go on as long as it did. Thankfully I had an amazing couple of therapists and it's been about 5 years now and it seems like a lifetime ago.

Also, I learned from my mistakes and didn't repeat the same ones: When people came into my life--Kindness, honesty and integrity mattered most. I was highly critical and won't apologize for it--I didn't stand for lies and inconsistencies and I didn't want my time wasted, or theirs. I was looking for different things when I dated--someone that I could trust, eventually and someone who wouldn't rush my process--If they didn't allow me that then it wasn't a match. Thankfully E came along and I love that someone is always on my side, even when we absolutely disagree--He's always "for me."

[mariamma]

"Finally, I sought therapy and began working on myself--I also had to look at what made me stay with that disgusting, lying, cheating, pig-fucker, and own my part in choosing someone like that and allowing it to go on as long as it did. Thankfully I had an amazing couple of therapists and it's been about 5 years now and it seems like a lifetime ago."

This is the best way I know to get over a broken heart. Look at all the flaws you initially ignored or swept under the rug

[Novelafemme]

Originally Posted by RadiantYearning

I searched a bit, although I'm not entirely familiar with the threads, and I didn't see anything like this so I apologize if it's a repeat.

Has anyone felt this inexplicable disconnect from feeling and your heart in general after a difficult, emotionally abusive relationship? It has been well over 2 years since I broke up with my ex and I still find myself unable to feel anything. I have had people interested in me and there's this absolute disconnect with emotion, empathy, passion. Everyone said, give it time, which I have ... and yet I still find myself questioning what my heart is even capable of anymore. My ex and I have even spoken of this and hy says, not everyone is me, give them a chance ... but I'm terrified of finding myself "trapped" in a similar situation so I have avoided feeling anything for anyone for a long time.

I'm not looking for anyone to solve my problem for me, I know that's an answer that only I can find from within. I was just wondering if anyone else has gone through this, thoughts, opinions?

{{{{RY}}}}

Breakups are so difficult. I haven't gone through many, but the three I have been through were each unique, exhausting and filled with a ton of opportunities to learn. The most difficult was when I decided to leave the father of my two children. We had been together for 15 years and had practically grown up together. He was emotionally and verbally abusive and so it took years for me to trust my own instincts and not rely on someone else when it came down to making tough decisions. I also was desperate to please him and thought that if I could make him happy all the time he wouldn't find cause to be cruel. The bottom line is that you can virtually kill yourself trying to make someone else happy and in the end it isn't worth your time and energy if they don't do their share.

It sounds like you still have some letting go to do. And I know this isn't easy. The most trying part (for me) of any breakup I've been through is the missing part. Followed by the "did I make the right decision" part. Punctuated by the absolute fear of completely letting go part. I remind myself often that I am right where I need to be and that the universe knows what is best...for us all. Sometimes, even when we think we are in the driver's seat, it's best to just let the universe take over and chart the course of our lives.

As far as liars and being deceived goes...I have been on the giving and receiving end of both. I have been the cheater and the cheated on. I have lied and been lied to. I have made some piss-poor choices and have hurt and been hurt. What I have learned from ALL of it...the good, the bad, and the ugly...is that #1. I will never again be with someone just because I am afraid of being alone. I would rather be lonely but secure in being who I am for the rest of my life than try to live up to someone elses expectations of me (however realistic or unrealistic the expectation(s). #2. Opening yourself up to love also means opening yourself up to hurt...and in order to find love you must be willing to get hurt. It's just the natural order of things. #3. Just because I am nice does not mean I am anyone's punching bag. Mutual respect and truly being able to listen and be non-judgmental are absolutes. Most everything else is negotiable...and I say that because after having gone through the relationship difficulties I have, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that there are no absolutes. I admire people who can use the "never" word as their daily mantra, but for me it is unrealistic. And the moment we have unrealistic expectations of others is the moment we make our worlds, lives, and potential loves and happiness all the more unattainable.

[RadiantYearning]

(((( Everyone ))))


Thank you all for your incredible support. I have listened to everyone's wise words and taken some very good advice. I'm going to write my ex and apologize, but I'm going to take my time and make sure that I say exactly what I want to say, the way I want to say it. I'm prepared for the backlash but I need to do this to put my inner self at peace.

I did ask the ex who has caused me so much pain to step back and let me heal. I guess that's the first step. Next, I'm going to really address my issues about that emotionally abusive relationship with my counselor.

Thank you all again ... it's amazing what clarity comes from writing it down and seeing things in front of me instead of floating around in my head.

[SoNotHer]

I'm proud of you, RY. And you should be proud too. Thank you for opening up this question and thread. It helped me. :-)

Originally Posted by RadiantYearning

(((( Everyone )))) Thank you all for your incredible support....Thank you all again ... it's amazing what clarity comes from writing it down and seeing things in front of me instead of floating around in my head.

[Bootsandheels]

Hi RY, I just wanted to offer this poem in a series of mine that I'm calling "The Ex-Files". This is one of three and is the most recent. It is one of my final "layers" I think to this process/feelings that I know so well! I hope you will enjoy-writing has become my healing therapy, and many tears were shed in it's making...Big femme hugs and love to you!

Femme Rooted (Endless…)

When does it end…these gut wrenching sobs…
With pain so deep my need to breathe is robbed
An endless ache of sleepless nights with no dreams
A black hole of sky
A cold moon without her moonbeams…

When does it stop?
(How did it start?)
endless memories of you and me…

So happy…so desperately in love…never dreaming we would
Ever be apart
(someone jumpstart my heart…please…just jumpstart my heart…)

Why can’t we pull out those deep roots of love-
the ones that go so far down…
we never know where they really go…
but they go…
and they grow…

growing deep down to the beautiful place…
The beautiful-unconditional-love-place…
The beauty-within-ourselves (and others)-place…
The have-no-words-(don’t need any)-for-it-place…
No-address-or-map-for-this-love’s journey or destination place…
A place…to call Home…
yes that we might…just might (get to) come home…

Still it grows and it goes…
deeper and deeper still
Anchoring and curling…
back around our hearts securing…
battening down hatches and tightening latches
against a storm’s rage and tidal waves
From the world and how we each behave…
(Towards one another…)

When did it start
(Will it ever stop?)
This endless love between you and me…

So alone…dreaming of lost love…
never dreaming we would be apart-
(someone jumpstart my heart- please…just
Jumpstart my heart…)

Why can’t I pull out these deep roots of love-
the ones that go so far down
I never know where they really go…
but they go…
and they grow…
Growing deep down through the pain back to love place
The beautiful-unconditional-love-you-always-place…
The beauty-to-love-myself-and-love-(someone new)-place…
No-address-or-map-for-new-love’s-journey-or-destination-place…

A place… to call Home…
yes that I might…just might (get to) come home…

Still it grows and it goes…
deeper and deeper still
Without my permission
or any willing submission
I’ll fall down and lay down
New seedlings of my love
And show the world how it’s done…
That my roots of love won…

Boots lkf 9/2011

[SoNotHer]

in the quest to recover the heart's courage? :-)

[Sweet_Amor_Taino]

I have experience very dysfunctional relationships especially one going back 13 years ago it was a roller coaster but boy did I love her !! every time we fought we made up with unbelievable love making and weeks of outings to the musical theaters ,gifts and dinning in fancy restaurants. This lady had my heart and body in the palm of her hands for 7 years of on and off on and off.

It finally was off and I felt like I was detoxing from an addiction. I stayed single for 5 years,it took me 5 years to finally be able to move forward and finally meet my ex.

I tell you that after being in such a crazy passionate dysfunction I welcomed sanity and peace !!! I learned what a sane healthy honest loving relationship is.

I am now starting a new journey with a special lady and I am grateful for the learning experiences the bad and the good that these two ladies brought to my life.

Trust me the universe will attract to you the person you deserve, Be yourself a good human and open your heart. Same attracts same.
my 2 cents.

[mariamma]

Originally Posted by Sweet_Amor_Taino

It finally was off and I felt like I was detoxing from an addiction. I stayed single for 5 years,it took me 5 years to finally be able to move forward and finally meet my ex.

Detox is right. I'm grateful to be able to read of the many who have seen where they have made mistakes and moved on. his is an inspiring thread.

[~ocean]

lovers come and go .. but ur pride is forever . karma ))

[mustangjeano]

Originally Posted by mariamma

Detox is right. I'm grateful to be able to read of the many who have seen where they have made mistakes and moved on. his is an inspiring thread.

This is the first time I have read this thread---lots of good stuff here.
I also got help from a good therapist after about a year of being angry all the time. For my own health I had to release the anger and forgive in order to heal. Another part for me was to recognize that there was a considerable amount that was my shit and I had to acknowledge that. I have now been single for several years and , most of the time, I'm ok with that. I can still vaugely remember the thrill of being in love . lol