Recieving or saying hurtful......how do you deal with it

[Teddybear]

First off Im not pointing fingers at anyone.

We all have done it said something in anger that is extremely hurtful to the other person. My questiin is how do you as the person who said the hurtful thing try to make amends or as the person who was on the recieving end deal with it?

I have been on both ends if this problem. When on the recieving end i love being I'm taking it too personally. How could anyine not. If I'm the saying the hurtful things I will say I'm sorry. I know that I cant really take the words back and that they sting.

Let me go ahead and say please dont name names or tell specific things said just how you deal with this kind of situtation

[Sparkle]

This is something I've worked really hard on, myself, Teddy.

When if I've said something hurtful I know that these are the steps for making amends (for me):

1. I acknowledge that what I said was hurtful, and why it is hurtful.

2. I acknowledge why I did it. "I was (hurt/angry/disappointed/frustrated/etc) and I lashed out at you" and follow that up by reiterating that "regardless of how I feel (above) lashing out and hurting someone you love is not okay."

3. I apologize for hurting the person I care about.

4. I commit to not speaking from a place of (anger/frustration/disappointment/etc) anymore, to taking a deep breath and walking away from an argument if it has wound up to that place, to communicating when things are a problem earlier and with greater skill so it doesn't get to that point again.

Here's the big important part ...

4. Then I do what I committed to do, over and over again.

When I've hurt someone deeply with my words I know that the only way to come back from it is to show them with my actions that I understand I was wrong, that I've learned from the experience and that I am taking action to improve my behavior and my communication skills.

It takes time to earn someone's trust back, sometimes a lot of time.
Time and hard work.
Sometimes it takes longer than you could ever imagine.

I've hurt people I love deeply with my words, in the past; and I've since done a lot of work (on myself) to change patterns of behavior that lead me to fight and wound with words. I'm far from perfect, but I'm pretty good at (not doing) it now. It's taken A LOT of work to become a good and consistent communicator. It's been worth it. I like not feeling ashamed and full of recriminations for things I've said.

[Teddybear]

Originally Posted by Sparkle

This is something I've worked really hard on, myself, Teddy.

When if I've said something hurtful I know that these are the steps for making amends (for me):

1. I acknowledge that what I said was hurtful, and why it is hurtful.

2. I acknowledge why I did it. "I was (hurt/angry/disappointed/frustrated/etc) and I lashed out at you" and follow that up by reiterating that "regardless of how I feel (above) lashing out and hurting someone you love is not okay."

3. I apologize for hurting the person I care about.

4. I commit to not speaking from a place of (anger/frustration/disappointment/etc) anymore, to taking a deep breath and walking away from an argument if it has wound up to that place, to communicating when things are a problem earlier and with greater skill so it doesn't get to that point again.

Here's the big important part ...

4. Then I do what I committed to do, over and over again.

When I've hurt someone deeply with my words I know that the only way to come back from it is to show them with my actions that I understand I was wrong, that I've learned from the experience and that I am taking action to improve my behavior and my communication skills.

It takes time to earn someone's trust back, sometimes a lot of time.
Time and hard work.
Sometimes it takes longer than you could ever imagine.

I've hurt people I love deeply with my words, in the past; and I've since done a lot of work (on myself) to change patterns of behavior that lead me to fight and wound with words. I'm far from perfect, but I'm pretty good at (not doing) it now. It's taken A LOT of work to become a good and consistent communicator. It's been worth it. I like not feeling ashamed and full of recriminations for things I've said.

Sparkle

Thanks for ur input and insight.

I agree that trust is hard to earn back and can take time. Sometimes it can never be earned back

[Cin]

When I hurt someone how I react depends on who the person is. I don’t care to think I’ve hurt anyone really, even a stranger, but when it’s someone I love I will put a lot more effort into making amends and going out of my way so as not to repeat the offense. It doesn’t matter whether or not I think what I said or did was hurtful. My feelings are not really part of the equation. It has not been easy for me to let go of that, I have to admit. When I really meant no offense I want the person to get that and let their hurt go. Unfortunately it doesn’t work that way. It only adds insult to injury when you try to tell someone they don’t have a right to their feelings. Also, I think inherent in the words “I’m sorry I hurt you” is “and I will try to make sure not to do it again”, at least if you ever expect anyone to take you and your sorries seriously (I know, there is no plural for sorry but I wanted one). Sorry loses its power if you have to keep saying it. I mean after awhile the implication, regardless of your words, is that you are not sorry at all.

When someone hurts me I do try not to take it personally. I have discovered, although it goes against every fiber of my being, that very little in this world is about me. Go figure. Often when someone says or does something hurtful it is not that they are purposefully trying to hurt me, there are usually a ton of extenuating circumstances, triggers, anxiety, stress, sideways anger, passive aggressive behaviors, etc., if I will just take the time to figure out what might be going on everyone wins. Even when they are purposely trying to hurt me, it is rarely just about me. I doubt I would choose friends who would hurt me without reason and I would not marry someone who goes around indiscriminately hurting me, so I need to remember that and take a look at the big picture. Also I have learned that getting pissed off doesn’t convey what I’m really feeling. Anger used to be the only emotion I could express, for me it was the all purpose emotion, but now I know that when someone hurts me, especially someone I love, it’s not anger that I feel. It’s hurt. I’m hurt. My little feelings are broken. And I make sure I tell them that. I don’t want a pound of flesh, nor do I need to hurt them back, I just want to be clear that they hurt me. I want them to be aware of that. I get that it happens, especially in intimate relationships. It’s hard to avoid hurting or being hurt. We are all so sensitive. We are more attuned to our own feelings, not so in touch with the feelings of others. I try to remember I’m just human and so is the other.

[Blade]

I learned at an early age that once it comes over your lips, you can't take it back. So I try to engage my brain before I open my mouth.

Most of the time I don't even realize I've hurt someone's feeling. In my case I think that sometimes what I have said may have been taken out of perspective. Then there are times when I go, crap I need to go make it right with so and so, I shouldn't have said that the way I did. So if I realize I've hurt someone's feelings, I make it right. Which usually consists of me asking them about the situation, them telling me how it made them feel and me apologizing for what I said and explaining what I really meant, or me wanting to kick myself because I can't take it back.

Then there are times, once in a great while when I'll be pushed past my point of no return and I'll let you have it and I don't care if it hurts your feelings or not. So I guess the moral to that story is don't push my buttons because I will, let you have it, if it hurts your feelings or not. You'll die from it or get over it....So build a bridge.

As for my feelings getting hurt, it rarely happens. I'm pretty tough skinned. I'll keep it in my craw and digest on it a bit. Eventually I'll either let it go or confront you about what you said that hurt my feelings. I carry my tools and lumber as well, so I can build a bridge and get over it. For the most part I live by the phrase "this to shall pass" and it normally does.

[Metro]

Over the years, being on both sides of the equation, I've discovered that sometimes I must walk away from a toxic situation or person. In the past this has been, and even now at times, incredibly difficult to do -- particularly for those (like me) who have an inherent urge to "fix" things.

These days I endeavor to live in the present, be positive and supportive (without being a Pollyanna), and also to actively seek out and/or accept the positive people and situations when they are presented.

I am also much better at choosing my battles.

In general, editing my life in this way has helped me to feel both more grounded and vigilant when the really important (and sometimes uncontrollable) life events and disagreements come along.

P.S. Sometimes scorched earth is just that -- and it's better to move on and look for greener pastures.

[Rockinonahigh]

Last night I found out soemthing the upset me bad.A fue months ago I bought a new pool case that cost me in the excess of a couple of hundred bucksm when I bought it I still had the case I was useing so the proshop at my home base pool hall ask why I didn't just leave it there a while to see of it sells to cover some of the cost of the new case so I did that.Now I have inquired a fue times about it but ot was still where I left it.So I had desided as I wsa going to Vegas for the pool tournament I would use the other case cause if it got knocked around I would like it but not worry about it either caues it has a hard shell case.When I went after it the guy at the shop said he had given it away to someone who wanted a case but just couldnt afford it.It pissed me greatly,I didnt say a thing for a while as he was telling me this.I grited my teeth,my eye twitched,I swallows a couple of times.He said he thought he told me about it before but gess he forgot.Yes we are working something out cause I want my sticks retiped plus I need a couple of things incase I need them in Vegas.He knows I am not in the least happy with this situation,yes we are working it out,but u can bet he will never see another dime of my money for anything,there are other places I can go to.I know all the therapy and life stratigies I have had are doing some good..he still lives.

[agape]

Well, when I have said or done something hurtful I do try to sincerely apologize when/if possible, regardless of if I find my behavior hurtful or not, I do try to respect the other persons feelings.

I will also do my best to correct the behavior and not repeat it with that person. If I find that hard to do then I try to explain why that is...

When others have said/done hurtful things, hmm.. that's seems to be more tricky... I most often try to let the person know I found that behavior hurtful but it doesn't always help...

I would appreciate the same reaction as what I do when I have done something wrong. Unfortunately I most often get to hear: "you shouldn't have been offended by this, you are too sensitive, I didn't mean anything bad, it was just a joke" etc.

The thing is, ppl get offended by different things... All legit imo...

[GraffitiBoi]

How I react to being hurt and what I do when I have hurt someone really depends on the situation. If I hurt the person by using 'tough love' I will apologize for being hurtful and try to let them know it comes from a place of love. If I hurt someone just because I was being a jerk, I will apologize and then show them I am sorry. I believe actions speak louder than words.

The same goes for if someone hurts me. If they hurt me by being truthful with me I try to take time to understand. If someone hurts me for any other reason I distance myself from them and I will limit any contact/conversation until they show me they are sorry. Words don't mean much to me anymore. I need to see to believe. You can tell me you're sorry. You can tell me you care, or even love me, but if I don't see it, it doesn't mean anything.

[Andrea]

What Sparkle said.