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12-11-2009, 09:57 PM
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#41 | |
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Timed Out
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Who knew we had a gay team in the NFL!  |
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12-11-2009, 10:27 PM
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#42 | |
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Practically Lives Here
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12-13-2009, 10:10 AM
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#43 |
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Timed Out
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Good morning, boys and girls.....
It's time for a holiday story from your Auntie Diva!!  Simmah down, now...... Yes....yesterday was a wonderful day for your Auntie Diva, boys and girls! First, the excitement began when your Auntie Diva visited the Amazon.com and ordered her own Christmas present ~ The Bread Bible by Rose Beranbaum. Let us pray, boys and girls, let us pray.  Because, as we all know, good bread can be a religious experience.  Auntie Diva kills herself with her sharp~edged humor. Party on, Garth.  When the excitement from that even died down, I received a message from your cousin PupSchmoopieSchmoop (she is distantly related, as you may recall, to SnoopDoggieDog) and your cousin OilCan......did I want to go for a drive to take in the Christmas lights in The Hill Country? Now, at first, boys and girls, your Auntie Diva finds herself suspicious of ANYone asking her to 'go for a drive in the country'.......I have SEEN The Godfather! But this was your cousin Schmoop, after all. She was just being respectful of the elderly ~ like I used to be of your Great Aunt Lois ~ knowing she doesn't get out much and likes to go for a Sunday afternoon drive on a foggy Saturday night.  So, I was excited to go and wore my best floral and bedazzled Christmas sweater and Sunday pill~box hat (yes, boys and girls, the one with the little netting with the rhinestones) and off we went.....into the foggy night! Of course, I am in the backseat, which gave me license to navigate for your cousin OilCan (who IS from your California/Mississippi area and cannot possibly know his way around our Texas Hill Country) and your cousin Schmoop (we're not sure WHERE she comes from, but she DOES live in your Cedar Park....I always need an extra shot of oxygen before your Auntie Diva travels way [the hell] up there!). We drive through the Dripping Springs. We did not stop for their oh~so~yummy Vodka, much to your Auntie Diva's dismay. What kind of trip WAS this!??!?!?! Then we got to The Johnson City, hometown to our beloved President Johnson, but not really, because his ranch is further up the road apiece. Those townspeople just wanted a piece of the action. Jus' sayin'..... The fog was thick, boys and girls, and your cousin Schmoop was using her cell phone to get directions.....we thought we had gone too far, so we turned around and backtracked, only to find out that we had not gone far enough. Cousin OilCan was unCANny in his knowledge of the turning~around places. Auntie Diva was impressed, even though many times, the turning~around place shook your Auntie Diva's teeth right out of her head. Pillbox remained intact, however. Yea, little Pillbox hat, yea! So we found our first destination....a country drive~through Christmas lights extravaganza!!!!!!  There was a slight problem, boys and girls in that the path which these good folks created was many times only wide enough for one car to pass. But that's ok....we tuned our radio to 1498.7 AM and enjoyed Bobby Darin singing All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth, accompanied by the Trans~Static Universal Orchestra. The tension mounted, boys and girls, as we approached the LIVE NATIVITY SCENE. Before we got too close, Gabriel was giving instructions to Joseph and the shepherd standing on a box (it was a child, but they put him on a box to make him appear taller....how many 7'9" shepherds with the face of a child do YOU know, boys and girls? That's what I thought!).....and, as cousin OilCan's automotive vehicle reached a certain place, Gabriel cued them and they magically FROZE in Christmas card goodness.......I blame cousin Schmoop for not bringing tissues. It was a tender moment. Yet, I watched the angel Gabriel's eyes......they followed our car like a scary Harry Potter painting...... I cannot tell you, boys and girls just how exciting it was to drive through the display.....the mobile home covered in hundreds of pale blue lights with the animated mailbox was particularly touching! But as we neared the end of the drive, what MOOved us most of all was the lit~up Santa on the stagecoach.....the cedar fence behind him.....and seeing the cows on the other side.......mocking us. Only in Texas,boys and girls.....only in Texas! The saga will continue......oh no.....You KNOW there's more! Signed, Your Auntie Diva, who channelled great Aunt Lois with her pillbox hat |
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12-13-2009, 10:44 AM
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#44 |
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA LMFAO
damn i wish i was there that sounds like a friggin hilarious ride |
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12-13-2009, 10:48 AM
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#45 | |
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Timed Out
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OMG we laughed SO hard, cousin OvenMits! Yes.....you post, you're adopted! Cuz that's the way we roll here in Auntie Diva's House of Horrors Family!  Yes....it's like a pointed stick, right through your schnozz..... |
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12-13-2009, 02:51 PM
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#46 |
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Hahaha! I love it!
More! More!  ~cara |
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12-13-2009, 10:05 PM
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#47 |
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Timed Out
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And so, boys and girls....the saga of Auntie Diva and The Christmas Lights Tour continues......
It was a dark and stormy night......wait. Sorry. That's another thread.....  I think my pillbox hat is too tight.So......your cousins OilCan, PupSchmoopieSchmoop and I depart the Johnson City Trailer Park Light Festival and back into the fog on to Marble Falls. Drive, boys and girls, drive! The fog was so amazingly thick, I was thankful I didn't have to drive, boys and girls, yet I was able to scoot to the center of the back seat to lend my support, of course. There may be some (including your cousin OilCan) who MAY call that backseat driving. Of course, I would never do that. I noticed throughout our journey that it was sometimes difficult to find our way to our destination....some might have blamed the fog, boys and girls. But your Auntie Diva blamed it on the night. It was just plain hard to see. Of course, then there is the dilemma of seeing the holiday lights in the daytime. So there ya go. We managed to get ourselves to The Marble Falls and again, we were like 3 lost lambs (ewe know?  ) trying to find those lights. This particular light festival was a walking tour. We moseyed around and found their historic downtown area......but there was no one walking around....and their downtown lights were.....well, yes, boys and girls....they were sweet and all.....but we drove all this way to see THIS? I'm pretty sure our collective pillboxes were askew!We KNEW this couldn't be right! But that cousin OilCan, urged on by your cousin PupSchmoopieSchmoop (some might call that backseat driving from the front seat, but I call it navigation), kept driving......drive cousin OilCan, drive! WAIT! We saw a line of cars!!!! Are You on the edge of your seats, boys and girls!?!?! YES!!!!!!!! We found them! We turned a corner and BOOM! There they were!!! Up that......HILL. And we parked, of course, at said BOTTOM. Yes, boys and girls, your Auntie Diva said 'bottom'.  We got out and started up the hill.....your Auntie Diva wishing the Christmas Lights On The Hill SHUTTLE...but there was none. One thing we found disconcerting, boys and girls.......we were in the minority going up that hill (aside from the fact that the 3 of us were as queer as a trio of $3 bills, of course), as we were going UP said hill, but everyone ELSE was coming DOWN said hill. We paused to query, "Was it closing?" Oh HELL to the naw, boys and girls! Your Auntie Diva was prepared to raise all KINDS of holy hell to the baby Jeebus in the manger if that thing was CLOSED after trekking her ass up that damned hill!!! Forgive your Auntie Diva's potty mouth, boys and girls. I blame the tight pillbox hat for her lapse in judgement. Let me re~center...  Ok. Now where was I? Oh.....yes......walking up that damned hill. So we kept climbing......and lo and behold, boys and girls, there was an actual PARKING LOT at the top of that hill! It was a HALF~EMPTY PARKING LOT, boys and girls!!! Your cousin OilCan did not pick up on the MULTIPLE hints that we would wait for him right there if he wanted to go get the car and park up THERE. Of course, walking DOWN the hill WOULD be easier.....unless your Auntie Diva fell and started to snowball......THAT would not be pretty, but by God, that pillbox was NOT gonna leave my head, boys and girls! But I digress. THIS Holiday Lights extravaganza was MUCH better, boys and girls! And I looked and looked but there was no lit~up mobile home......they do things just a bit differently in your Marble Falls! There were all manner of festiveness, boys and girls......we travelled through a "light tunnel" of blue and white lights.....we saw another Santa on a stagecoach.....and Santa on a covered wagon....and Santa on a jetski....followed closely by Rudolph on skis.......then we had the elves putting presents on the sleigh! THAT was exciting! There were angels all lit up and all manner of trees in various colors and heights and light genres ~ we had your LEDS, your TRADITIONAL twinkles and your rope lights (yes, your Auntie Diva said "rope")......your Auntie Diva was MESMERIZED at the various and sundry light creations! Who sits around and thinks UP all this stuff? Those crazy, mad~cap MarbleFALLS people, THAT'S who! Did I mention that they allowed the screaming children into this thing? Are there no RULES? OH! And WE saw The Marble Falls Santa!!! At first, we thought HE was all lit up, too, but no. He was sober. I had absolutely NO idea that they speak with a heavy Texas twang at the North Pole, TOO! But it's TRUE! AND, there was a cute little trailer which had some VERY yummy, powdery hot cocoa. Thank you, cousin OilCan! Now, you might think to yourselves, boys and girls, "SURELY, Auntie Diva, SURELY this must be the END of your exquisite journey to The Marble Falls Festival of Light Land!" But NO! We were but half~way through this electrical extravaganza!!!! Be still my heart!!! No......your Auntie Diva was having palpitations as the path way slanted a bit and it was messing with your Auntie Diva's vertigo. (And yet, the pillbox maintained!) There were MORE light tunnels......more baby Jeebuses......more VoltageVirginMariesonaDonkeh......it was just almost more excitement than 3 city folk could stand, boys and girls, but we struggled on! Then we came to The Big Tree, which was a mini Zilker Park Tree, but it was a tree under which we could spin! Your Auntie Diva managed one spin, then had to hang onto the pole ~ which brought up memories of her younger days. But that's another story for when you're older, boys and girls. And then.....what's that off in the distance????? Could it BE???? Why YES, boys and girls....this WAS special!! It WAS your equal~opportunity festival of PC electrification! Off in the distance......sitting proudly between the water~skiing Santa and the caught~in~the~shower~with~his~antlers~down Rudolph was....YES! It was the token, golden Menorrah, boys and girls. Our tour was complete. I mean.....just how can one group of people out~do themselves after THAT? It just cannot be done, boys and girls. And so, with our collective misty eyes, we bid adieu to The Marbel Falls Festival of The Electrified Baby Jeebus. And you may THINK that would have been enough. But NO,boys and girls! Your cousin PupSchmoopieSchmoop teased me with reports of the Holiday Lights in THEIR neighborhood. How could your Auntie Diva say no? She could not. And the saga continues.......... Signed, Auntie Diva, who managed not to dislodge the pillbox hat by rolling down the hill..... (Dammit, Linus! Why is there no pillbox smilie?!?!?!?!?!) |
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12-13-2009, 10:28 PM
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#48 |
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Cousin Oilcan drives MUCH better with help from Cousin Schmoopiepoop and Auntie Diva. Just sayin.
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Alice laughed: "There's no use trying," she said; "one can't believe impossible things." "I daresay you haven't had much practice," said the Queen. "...Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast." |
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12-13-2009, 10:29 PM
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#49 | |
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Timed Out
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Truer words........I think it helped for us to sing "Baby Jeebus, Take The Wheel".......don't You, cousin SchmoopiePoop? 
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12-13-2009, 10:33 PM
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#50 | |
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__________________
Alice laughed: "There's no use trying," she said; "one can't believe impossible things." "I daresay you haven't had much practice," said the Queen. "...Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast." |
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12-13-2009, 11:03 PM
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#51 | |
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Timed Out
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That's because [wicked] cousin OilCan had the Cocoa Trailer People put something spikey in your Auntie Diva's cocoa powder. That's it. Cousin OilCan? Go get me a switch from the pecan tree! |
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12-14-2009, 09:28 AM
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#52 |
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hahahahahahahha lmfao baby jeebus take the wheel
omg thats funny you guys would have me rolling so hard |
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12-14-2009, 09:33 AM
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#53 | |
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PS. Being that my name is Jaqueline...I LOVE PILLBOX hats...just saying.
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12-14-2009, 09:44 AM
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#54 | |
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Timed Out
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Yes.....being in a car full of haters & a woman in a pillbox IS hysterical! |
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12-14-2009, 09:49 AM
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#55 | |
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Timed Out
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Of COURSE, cousin Princess.......sometimes, it made me laugh just a little bit to let go of their little hands and watch them run amok around the lit~up menorrah, or the bales of hay for the lit~up donkeys.... The cousins amuse me so, it's almost WORTH having the pillbox hat cut off the circulation to my brain.....  |
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12-14-2009, 09:56 AM
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#56 |
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christmas cookies for everyone.....
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-------------------------------------------- life is to short to wake up in the morning with regrets
so love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who dont, and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance take it... if it changes your life let it. |
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12-17-2009, 10:05 PM
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#57 | |
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And the Cocoa trailer people seemed like they were in shock or something, lol. I mean, you know,,it's hard mixing water and cocoa powder in a trailer. I do wish all the cousins could join us at the cocoa trailer! What fun that would be,,for us. The locals might not be so amused though,,, Cousin OilCan |
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12-18-2009, 06:42 AM
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#58 | |
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Timed Out
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Yes, the Cocoa Trailer people would get an eyeful, wouldn't they cousin Oilcan, if all the cousins ran amok at the Light Display....  I can see cousin Shizzle trying to climb up on Santa's stagecoach  or cousin GemmieLicious trying to climb into baby Jeebus's manger. I kept waiting for that trailer to break free and roll into the ribber, as we were rather on an incline.......Your Auntie Diva felt like a mountain goat.....a mountain goat with vertigo.....  Signed, Auntie Diva on the slant.....gotta hate THAT! |
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12-18-2009, 07:05 PM
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#59 | |
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Practically Lives Here
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12-19-2009, 10:35 AM
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#60 | |
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Timed Out
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How did I KNOW this? I've made you a t-shirt, cousin Gemmie, that says, "I Slept With The Baby Jeebus & All I Got Was This Stupid T~Shirt?!?!" That is all. Signed, ~Auntie Diva CEO of Auntie Diva's T~Shirts-R-Us |
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I'm misunderestimated. 
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