Dating a Trans Person (FTM)

[Zora77]

Since I have ‘transitioned’ from a lesbian to a queer femme I have dated butches who fall on the more masculine side of the spectrum. Currently I am dating someone who did identify as butch when we met and recently started to openly acknowledge that he is transgendered, and feels like a male.

Although I don’t have a problem with this and try to be supportive, I have to acknowledge that this change affects me too as his partner. Some of the things I struggle with are: remembering to refer to him as ‘he’ (which is harder than it sounds because until recently ‘he’ referred to himself as ‘she’); dealing with raised eyebrows from friends when I refer to my ‘boyfriend’ (which from their perspective definitely requires an explanation) and deal with their lack of understanding; wondering what this means for my own identity (does that make me straight?), etc.

At this point he choses not to take T but since he does not pass and is struggling with this issue, I feel that the last word is not spoken on hormones. I don’t want to worry about problems that are that have not occurred and may never occur – but I still wonder about how the use of hormones affects the relationship (I have heard that T impacts a person’s demeanor, mood and could change in parts someone’s personality). On the flipside of that – if he sticks with his decision not to take T, I wonder how his struggle of always being perceived differently than he feels inside will affect him and our relationship.

I have been reading some the discussions by FTMs and transfolks on this site and am hugely grateful for being able to learn from the different perspectives (and would love to learn more from you!). In addition I think it would be great to hear from partners of FTMs, transgendered, transmasulin, etc. identified individuals about challenges to the relationship and how they were overcome. I’d appreciate everything you are willing to share. Thank you in advance!

P.S. Just to be clear - I do not only anticipate challenges and problems! In the big picture the concerns I expressed above are only a small piece of how I feel when I think of us.

[Ursy]

Hi Zora

I've been with my guy nearly 10 years now, he started on T about 5 years ago.

Don't worry, you will get used to using male pronouns - what really helped me was to join a Yahoo group for SOFFAs (Significant Others, Friends, Family and Allies) of FTMs where I could talk about it with others who were going through / had gone through the same thing in their relationships.

The identity thing - well, I loosely identify as pan-sexual / queer femme / whatever so it wasn't a big problem for me, but yes, it can be a sticking point for some, definitely.

As for changes to the relationship, there were many - it's a complex journey our guys go on and it's quite amazing how hormones can change a person! First of all, Kris is much much happier than he used to be. I know there is sometimes a worry about T making a guy more aggressive, but we didn't find this to be the case. He would get moody if his T shot schedule was off, but otherwise has become more emotionally stable. Personally, I think that if someone is not a naturally aggressive person, T won't make them aggressive.

I could write a tome about this so I'll stop now and give you a chance to read this post before it becomes too big!

Cheers,
Ursy

[Zora77]

Originally Posted by Ursy

Hi Zora

I've been with my guy nearly 10 years now, he started on T about 5 years ago.

Don't worry, you will get used to using male pronouns - what really helped me was to join a Yahoo group for SOFFAs (Significant Others, Friends, Family and Allies) of FTMs where I could talk about it with others who were going through / had gone through the same thing in their relationships.

The identity thing - well, I loosely identify as pan-sexual / queer femme / whatever so it wasn't a big problem for me, but yes, it can be a sticking point for some, definitely.

As for changes to the relationship, there were many - it's a complex journey our guys go on and it's quite amazing how hormones can change a person! First of all, Kris is much much happier than he used to be. I know there is sometimes a worry about T making a guy more aggressive, but we didn't find this to be the case. He would get moody if his T shot schedule was off, but otherwise has become more emotionally stable. Personally, I think that if someone is not a naturally aggressive person, T won't make them aggressive.

I could write a tome about this so I'll stop now and give you a chance to read this post before it becomes too big!

Cheers,
Ursy

Thank you Ursy for your encouraging words! It's all very fresh for me and I know I have a tendency to worry too much, so I'll try not to do that and just go with the flow. I'll definitely check out the Yahoo group! If you would not mind sharing, I'd be interested in what some of the changes where your relationship underwent as a result of his transition - in addition to making Kris a happier person which is great. Thanks again.

Z.

[Ursy]

Originally Posted by Zora77

Thank you Ursy for your encouraging words! It's all very fresh for me and I know I have a tendency to worry too much, so I'll try not to do that and just go with the flow. I'll definitely check out the Yahoo group! If you would not mind sharing, I'd be interested in what some of the changes where your relationship underwent as a result of his transition - in addition to making Kris a happier person which is great. Thanks again.

Z.

Sure! Well, first of all, I think Kris emotes quite a bit less. He's less likely to want to talk "relationship stuff" - it was just a subtle shift that happened over time. I have asked other guys who have been on T and many have found that their experience is similar.

Everyone is different though - for example, one of my FTM friends does NOT cry anymore. He sometimes wishes he could, just for some kind of tension release - but he can't.

I've thought about it at length and in some ways, yes - he is still the same person I fell in love with... but in other ways, he is different. You could put that down to other things as well though - it can be hard to separate the changes that are attributable to transition and those that aren't (for example, I have also changed over the years and am not the same person Kris fell in love with in the beginning).

Will think on it some more and get back to you

[SFFemmePrincess]

Hey Zora!

I have been with Logic for about a year and a half now. We met on another site like this one and I knew he was trans from the get go. But when we met, he wasn't yet out to his family, co-workers, or really anyone outside of his online social networks and it was my first relationship with a TransGuy. I had a lot of the same fears, concerns, questions that you have.

As far as the pronouns go, you'll get there. I think it's especially hard if he was previously going by female pronouns and now wants to switch to male. It's completely reasonable for him to request that you do it, but it's also reasonable for you to slip sometimes and he has to understand that. It took a couple months for me to stop slipping, but now its very rare, and usually only happens if I am in a conversation with his family because they are still using female pronouns and its hard for my brain to concentrate on both the conversation and keeping the pronouns correct.

As far as your friends and family are concerned, its difficult, especially because they are used to you being a lesbian and dating female identified people. It might feel like it requires an explanation, but it only requires explanation if you desire to give an explanation. It's your relationship and as long as you are happy then that's all that matters. And yeah, sometimes it's difficult to deal with their lack of understanding, or lack of knowledge masquerading as lack of understanding. But you take it one step at a time, one conversation at a time and understand that for some people, thinking outside the gender binary is hard and takes time. As long as they aren't making you feel uncomfortable or being mean, just do your best to absorb the knowledge to be able to educate the people in your life that you care about.

And as far as your identity goes, every person considers and comes to their identity differently. But thats the beautiful thing about it. Your identity is YOURS and you can do with it what you will. For me, my identity has nothing to do with my partners identity. I went down a long road and finally came out the other side identifying as a Transensual Femme Lesbian. I like it and feel that it accurately describes me. I personally do not feel that having a boyfriend makes me straight. I think it does help though that Logic also does not identify as a straight male, and has no desire to have me be a straight girl to his straight guy. He is currently pre-T, pre-op, but even after he will always be queer. There are some guys who go through transition, identify as a straight male, leave their past in the past, and date straight girls. This type of relationship would not work for me because my queerness and queer community is too important to me.

Wow, ok that was kind of a lot, so I'll leave it at that for now. But there is a thread for SOFFA's, so feel free to pop in over there too! Clicky Clicky

Also, feel free to PM me anytime and maybe we can meet up for coffee sometime since we are in the same city!

[MsDemeanor]

Someone might want to mention to you the part about going on T where their sex drive goes through the roof. It can be all sex all the time for a while.

[betenoire]

Hi, Zora. I'm Brandy.

For your question about what it means for your identity....well. Really, nobody and nothing can make you anything than what you are. If you feel Queer - you're Queer.

That's certainly not the end of the story, though. It's a conversation that the two of you are going to have to have at some point, I'd think...regarding YOU and your identity. You do not have to transition (for lack of a better word) just because he is - and he needs to respect you and who you are.

And then there's the T. I certainly haven't dated every transguy on the planet (thank goodness, cuz that sounds wicked time consuming) so I'm no expert. But IN MY EXPERIENCE (which comes with the disclaimer that it's not true for every person every time) sometimes guys can get real self-centred when physical changes start happening. And rightfully so - I get that it's exciting. But for myself...I can only have so many conversations about "is this a new hair?" before I go completely batshit crazy and bolt.

I guess the key to navigating that stage will be lots of talk and boundary setting BEFORE it happens - which I never had the foresight to do. If you can be clear about what you need and your guy can remember that there are two of you in the relationship, you should be good to go.

[Isadora]

Originally Posted by MsDemeanor

Someone might want to mention to you the part about going on T where their sex drive goes through the roof. It can be all sex all the time for a while.

This is a challenge? LOL I love a good challenge.

[Isadora]

The second love of my life, the person whom I walked with through his transition, the man who I adore, one of the few people I will actually listen to, the person I met 11 years ago never changed. There were no challenges over his transition. It was not so much a transition as a phoenix experience... he was always there...the essence was and is the same, the body transformed.

Not a moment of challenge around his transition, just love and acceptance. I still love him even though the bastard fed my addiction to country music and southern drawls.

[Melissa]

Originally Posted by Zora77

Since I have ‘transitioned’ from a lesbian to a queer femme I have dated butches who fall on the more masculine side of the spectrum. Currently I am dating someone who did identify as butch when we met and recently started to openly acknowledge that he is transgendered, and feels like a male.

Although I don’t have a problem with this and try to be supportive, I have to acknowledge that this change affects me too as his partner. Some of the things I struggle with are: remembering to refer to him as ‘he’ (which is harder than it sounds because until recently ‘he’ referred to himself as ‘she’); dealing with raised eyebrows from friends when I refer to my ‘boyfriend’ (which from their perspective definitely requires an explanation) and deal with their lack of understanding; wondering what this means for my own identity (does that make me straight?), etc.

At this point he choses not to take T but since he does not pass and is struggling with this issue, I feel that the last word is not spoken on hormones. I don’t want to worry about problems that are that have not occurred and may never occur – but I still wonder about how the use of hormones affects the relationship (I have heard that T impacts a person’s demeanor, mood and could change in parts someone’s personality). On the flipside of that – if he sticks with his decision not to take T, I wonder how his struggle of always being perceived differently than he feels inside will affect him and our relationship.

I have been reading some the discussions by FTMs and transfolks on this site and am hugely grateful for being able to learn from the different perspectives (and would love to learn more from you!). In addition I think it would be great to hear from partners of FTMs, transgendered, transmasulin, etc. identified individuals about challenges to the relationship and how they were overcome. I’d appreciate everything you are willing to share. Thank you in advance!

P.S. Just to be clear - I do not only anticipate challenges and problems! In the big picture the concerns I expressed above are only a small piece of how I feel when I think of us.

Hi Zora - I can relate to some of your worries. My partner started taking T about 3 months ago. We've been together almost 5 years. When we met he identified as stone butch but often passed as male. I've always dated butches but I id as lesbian and still do. When Rufus decided to go on T I was not surprised as he always felt male or would sometimes say he was neither male or female but his sense of gender and his body was always male in some degree or another. His sense of gender was never female. He had also had top surgery before we met. So going on T was not like a bolt out of the blue for me, it felt like the natural next step.

I've read through all the posts here and can connect with just about all of them. Everyone has the same fears about T. What will change physically, what are the negatives, what about MY identity and so on. We talked about all these things before T. Some of the physical changes are happening. I laughed when I read Betenoire's post about hair. Every hair gets examined and talked about. Last night I had to stare at his knuckles while he groaned about knuckle hair, thinning head hair, and sprouting chin hair. Then someone mentioned the increased sex drive. Yep, way increased. Not that I'm complaining. As for mood, I've not noticed any difference so far and all his quirks are still in place. So personality hasn't changed at this point.

In terms of myself it feels odd to be perceived as heterosexual by the outside world, but since he is so masculine anyway we were perceived this way most of the time before T. So I suppose this hasn't changed in any way.

I had all the same questions and worries you have now. A lot of those questions and worries have gone away as I've realized that T does not change things in a bad way but for us, only in a good way and that many of the fears were just that and have never been realized.

And don't worry about the pronoun change. I slip too but I'm getting better. In fact, he slipped the other day and referred to himself as she. Its just use and time. What once felt strange to say, will eventually just come natrually.

Melissa