Struggling to come to terms......

Jaques · 04-16-2012, 04:05 AM

...... people struggle with so many aspects of life, so im never shocked by anything, saddened yes, by the way humans can treat one another but thats another thread.
I wasnt aware of my gender until as a small child, people kept telling me i wasnt a boy. So as i grew up i mustve put it on the back burner in my mind, got married 3 times, had 2 sons, for which im grateful. As i got older I began to think more and more about women and my marriage was awful, not because of that i might add, so then i started putting on my husbands underwear and stuffing a sock down the front, i wasnt sure why but it felt good, i had my long hair cut off and eventually went to a book shop in london where i knew "lesbian" books were sold, i felt so embarrassed, having already bought a magazine i thought was "Diva" and it turned out to be "Divers" - no smart remarks about that necessary, lol! Anyway i bought a book called "how to be a lesbian" as i thought i might be - when i got it home it turned out to be a funny book and not a book of instruction...............and so it went on - you have to laugh cos theres always a funny side to everything. I dated lots of girls young enough to be my daughter and thought i looked wonderful in a suit and tie, till i realised in the "womens" bars, i didnt really fit or gell - this was in the 90's. I thought i was soft butch, then butch, then the penny dropped, i wasnt lesbian at all, i fancied women as a guy, not as another woman would - that was the hardest pill to swallow. Until i met my missus and she smoothed the way for me, so much so that i decided, after years of living as a guy but not looking like one, that i needed to transition. It can be a struggle but i found a sense of humour and a lot of patience and understanding of yourself is helpful. Also understanding that its not all about ME - when you have partners, kids, parents, friends, they arent always going to accept straight away or find it easy - they have feelings to, so whether you are trans or gay, understanding the fears and feelings of others too is necessary - not all our loved ones will accept but many do. I lost friends and had problems with one of my sons, who now accepts, though i know he'd rather his mother sat in a corner in twin set and pearls, knitting - but thats pretty standard whether youre gay/trans or straight. Parents do not live a life, have sex or have fun! ha ha! So to all those still going through troubles in this respect, hope reading everyones experiences will help.

04-16-2012, 04:05 AM	#18
Jaques Member How Do You Identify?: male/TG Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: England Posts: 220 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 51 Thanked 398 Times in 122 Posts Rep Power: 2583510	...... people struggle with so many aspects of life, so im never shocked by anything, saddened yes, by the way humans can treat one another but thats another thread. I wasnt aware of my gender until as a small child, people kept telling me i wasnt a boy. So as i grew up i mustve put it on the back burner in my mind, got married 3 times, had 2 sons, for which im grateful. As i got older I began to think more and more about women and my marriage was awful, not because of that i might add, so then i started putting on my husbands underwear and stuffing a sock down the front, i wasnt sure why but it felt good, i had my long hair cut off and eventually went to a book shop in london where i knew "lesbian" books were sold, i felt so embarrassed, having already bought a magazine i thought was "Diva" and it turned out to be "Divers" - no smart remarks about that necessary, lol! Anyway i bought a book called "how to be a lesbian" as i thought i might be - when i got it home it turned out to be a funny book and not a book of instruction...............and so it went on - you have to laugh cos theres always a funny side to everything. I dated lots of girls young enough to be my daughter and thought i looked wonderful in a suit and tie, till i realised in the "womens" bars, i didnt really fit or gell - this was in the 90's. I thought i was soft butch, then butch, then the penny dropped, i wasnt lesbian at all, i fancied women as a guy, not as another woman would - that was the hardest pill to swallow. Until i met my missus and she smoothed the way for me, so much so that i decided, after years of living as a guy but not looking like one, that i needed to transition. It can be a struggle but i found a sense of humour and a lot of patience and understanding of yourself is helpful. Also understanding that its not all about ME - when you have partners, kids, parents, friends, they arent always going to accept straight away or find it easy - they have feelings to, so whether you are trans or gay, understanding the fears and feelings of others too is necessary - not all our loved ones will accept but many do. I lost friends and had problems with one of my sons, who now accepts, though i know he'd rather his mother sat in a corner in twin set and pearls, knitting - but thats pretty standard whether youre gay/trans or straight. Parents do not live a life, have sex or have fun! ha ha! So to all those still going through troubles in this respect, hope reading everyones experiences will help.