Second Chances? - Page 2

proximitywithoutintimacy · 07-19-2011, 07:04 PM

Miscommunications are very difficult, indeed, especially when it comes to long-distance relationships (which is the case with us).

Second chances, when they do come, I need to realise won't be overnight decisions; she's not going to just come running back to me, and the brick wall she has put up is a way to protect herself from getting hurt again. I completely understand that and do not blame her in any way, shape, or form. She is perfectly justified in guarding herself against me. I hurt her, a lot, and made her feel like she wasn't good enough. That alone can really create an emotional catastrophy.

I've been advised to let her have her space, and avoid telling her how much I love and miss her, etc. However, I've also been advised to not disappear from her life completely, so she knows I'm still here, and I still care about her.

I just know that I need to work on myself; work out what went wrong, why I push good people away, why I feel the need to say things, and why I don't believe I deserve better. Etc.

Wow, I'm going on and on... I guess it's hard to see things for what they are when you're hurting so much. My heart may be screaming for her, and the crying is constant, but I also need to stop being so pessimistic and realise that even if she gives me a second chance... we both need some time first.

Thank you for allowing me to, ah, type?

I'd love it if others would share their experiences...

Corkey · 07-19-2011, 07:56 PM

I think when you start equating peoples opinions as advice, you need to step back and do what is right for you.
No one here can advise you, not even me. We have opinions, we however don't know you from Eve.
YOU are the one to be your own best counselor.
I would hope you take some time and do what is right for you.

Have fun and be yourself.

LaneyDoll · 07-19-2011, 08:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by proximitywithoutintimacy

Miscommunications are very difficult, indeed, especially when it comes to long-distance relationships (which is the case with us).

Second chances, when they do come, I need to realise won't be overnight decisions; she's not going to just come running back to me, and the brick wall she has put up is a way to protect herself from getting hurt again. I completely understand that and do not blame her in any way, shape, or form. She is perfectly justified in guarding herself against me. I hurt her, a lot, and made her feel like she wasn't good enough. That alone can really create an emotional catastrophy.

I've been advised to let her have her space, and avoid telling her how much I love and miss her, etc. However, I've also been advised to not disappear from her life completely, so she knows I'm still here, and I still care about her.

I just know that I need to work on myself; work out what went wrong, why I push good people away, why I feel the need to say things, and why I don't believe I deserve better. Etc.

Wow, I'm going on and on... I guess it's hard to see things for what they are when you're hurting so much. My heart may be screaming for her, and the crying is constant, but I also need to stop being so pessimistic and realise that even if she gives me a second chance... we both need some time first.

Thank you for allowing me to, ah, type?

I'd love it if others would share their experiences...

Long-distance relationships are hard. I think the advice to give her a bit of space is good advice. Let her know you are there, and want to work thing out, but do not suffocate her.

And yes, work on yourself! We should all strive to better ourselves-be it in a relationship or out of one.

bigbutchmistie · 07-19-2011, 08:48 PM

Reasons I would never give someone a second chance are :

Lying

Emotional And Physical Cheating

Illegal Actions

Without trust you have nothing. For me once it is broken I will never trust again.

That being said that is MY opinion. I have no right to judge you or offer you advice because I dont know you. All I can tell you is do what is right for you. If you love yourself it all will fall into place naturally

Good luck to you...

ruffryder · 07-19-2011, 09:27 PM

I've done a few second chances. My take on it is if you both feel there should be another chance then do it. What you do not want is regret or a feeling someone could have done more or something different. It is up to the two individuals what they can forgive. To forget and move on is harder. Talk it over and decide if it's worth it to give it a second chance then put everything into it that way if it doesn't work out you can say you've given it your all and walk away from it with a sense of peace. I would say space and time could be important depending on what happened. Sometimes people need space and time to grow up, figure out priorities, and what is important in life. If you are scared and not sure you want to lose this person, yes give it another chance. Good luck!

Chazz · 07-21-2011, 10:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by proximitywithoutintimacy

It's not looking good, over here

I tried opening up to her, telling her how much I really do love her, and am working on myself... she said she is here to support me, but just as my friend, and that she feels like she had to change to become perfect for me.

Now, this is not the case, as I love her for exactly who she is - nothing more, nothing less. However, my fears and insecurities took over and led her to believe that she was never good enough for me

Funny thing is, everyone I talk to, seems to believe that if the feelings were in fact, genuine and honest, that time and space is going to help heal because we're both in very vulnerable states of mind. Talking to her may feel like running my head into a brick wall right now, but that doesn't necessarily mean she's suddenly over me - she's protecting herself?

Gah, I don't know. I just feel like we had something too beautiful to just throw away like this, and that [B

Sorry for the incessant rambling...

If what you did was "was awful - but not unforgivable?", you owe her time to heal. You are obliged to accept the consequences of your behavior, and the final outcome of her decisions.

You are not entitled to impatience; you do not have the "right" to pressure her. Chances are the "awful" behavior was based in ego-centricism and impulsiveness. It won't do to replicate that behavior now.

Perhaps the best thing for you to be focusing on right now, is why you sabotaged the relationship in the first place. And, why you so totally discounted her feeling to do, what you did, in the first place.

After all, this situation was caused by your behavior, not hers. Seems like you're focusing on her reactions to your behavior more than your behavior, itself. That seems like a reversal of the order of things to me.

proximitywithoutintimacy · 07-24-2011, 06:50 PM

Okay. Thank you all for taking time to talk to me. I'm sorry for kinda treating this thread as an emotional journal of sorts. That was not my intention and I do know what I need to do. I appreciate you all sharing your thoughts. I think we can all agree that, well, relationships are hard.

ruffryder · 07-26-2011, 11:42 PM

I hope you are okay. Things happen for a reason and it will all work out how it is supposed to. Have faith in that and believe it and you will be happy with whatever happens. (:

Quintease · 07-27-2011, 03:43 AM

Maybe this woman isn't the right one for you. Maybe she is merely the right one to force you to acknowledge your flaws, the ones which are holding you back from a healthy relationship?

She has stepped back now, perhaps for good. It may well be that the best thing you can do right now is to accept the friendship she is offering and expect nothing more. Some mistakes are not unforgivable, but they take more than an apology and good intentions to rectify.

Good luck on your journey x

proximitywithoutintimacy · 10-19-2011, 03:14 AM

I let her go; if she is no longer happy with me, then I wish her happiness in all her endeavors. First time I've ever let someone go - kind of proud of myself, because all the other times I've been selfish. This girl sure changed my life in many ways.

If she comes back into my life, it'll be because she was supposed to. If not, life will go on for both of us

It's been nearly three months since we've spoken, and although I still love her, I am moving on and focusing on myself

Second chances, if and when they do happen, come to those who know they're worth the wait, not those who cry, plead, beg and scream and render themselves a wreck

xoxo.

07-19-2011, 07:56 PM	#22
Corkey Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Human Preferred Pronoun?: He Relationship Status: Very Married Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: Where I want to be Posts: 8,155 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 47,491 Thanked 29,299 Times in 6,640 Posts Rep Power: 21474859	I think when you start equating peoples opinions as advice, you need to step back and do what is right for you. No one here can advise you, not even me. We have opinions, we however don't know you from Eve. YOU are the one to be your own best counselor. I would hope you take some time and do what is right for you. Have fun and be yourself. __________________ "Many proposals have been made to us to adopt your laws, your religion, your manners and your customs. We would be better pleased with beholding the good effects of these doctrines in your own practices, than with hearing you talk about them". ~Old Tassel, Chief of the Tsalagi (Cherokee)

07-27-2011, 03:43 AM	#29
Quintease Member How Do You Identify?: Rainbow femme Preferred Pronoun?: princess Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Apr 2011 Location: United Kingdom Posts: 514 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 508 Thanked 1,816 Times in 417 Posts Rep Power: 10345577	Maybe this woman isn't the right one for you. Maybe she is merely the right one to force you to acknowledge your flaws, the ones which are holding you back from a healthy relationship? She has stepped back now, perhaps for good. It may well be that the best thing you can do right now is to accept the friendship she is offering and expect nothing more. Some mistakes are not unforgivable, but they take more than an apology and good intentions to rectify. Good luck on your journey x __________________ It is not worth an intelligent person's time to be in the majority. By definition, there are already enough people to do that.

07-19-2011, 07:04 PM	#21
proximitywithoutintimacy Member How Do You Identify?: Rocker Lesbian Preferred Pronoun?: That One Girl ;) Relationship Status: Putting My Heart Back Together Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: USA Posts: 175 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 141 Thanked 290 Times in 106 Posts Rep Power: 670281	Miscommunications are very difficult, indeed, especially when it comes to long-distance relationships (which is the case with us). Second chances, when they do come, I need to realise won't be overnight decisions; she's not going to just come running back to me, and the brick wall she has put up is a way to protect herself from getting hurt again. I completely understand that and do not blame her in any way, shape, or form. She is perfectly justified in guarding herself against me. I hurt her, a lot, and made her feel like she wasn't good enough. That alone can really create an emotional catastrophy. I've been advised to let her have her space, and avoid telling her how much I love and miss her, etc. However, I've also been advised to not disappear from her life completely, so she knows I'm still here, and I still care about her. I just know that I need to work on myself; work out what went wrong, why I push good people away, why I feel the need to say things, and why I don't believe I deserve better. Etc. Wow, I'm going on and on... I guess it's hard to see things for what they are when you're hurting so much. My heart may be screaming for her, and the crying is constant, but I also need to stop being so pessimistic and realise that even if she gives me a second chance... we both need some time first. Thank you for allowing me to, ah, type? I'd love it if others would share their experiences...

07-19-2011, 08:48 PM	#24
bigbutchmistie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Since You Need A Label. Butch Relationship Status: Still Dreaming Of My Happily Ever After Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Arlington Texas Posts: 4,009 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 4,950 Thanked 5,364 Times in 1,941 Posts Rep Power: 21474855	Reasons I would never give someone a second chance are : Lying Emotional And Physical Cheating Illegal Actions Without trust you have nothing. For me once it is broken I will never trust again. That being said that is MY opinion. I have no right to judge you or offer you advice because I dont know you. All I can tell you is do what is right for you. If you love yourself it all will fall into place naturally Good luck to you...

07-19-2011, 09:27 PM	#25
ruffryder Senior Member How Do You Identify?: FTM Preferred Pronoun?: guy ones Relationship Status: ... Join Date: May 2011 Location: chillin' in FL Posts: 3,690 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 21,951 Thanked 9,678 Times in 2,875 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	I've done a few second chances. My take on it is if you both feel there should be another chance then do it. What you do not want is regret or a feeling someone could have done more or something different. It is up to the two individuals what they can forgive. To forget and move on is harder. Talk it over and decide if it's worth it to give it a second chance then put everything into it that way if it doesn't work out you can say you've given it your all and walk away from it with a sense of peace. I would say space and time could be important depending on what happened. Sometimes people need space and time to grow up, figure out priorities, and what is important in life. If you are scared and not sure you want to lose this person, yes give it another chance. Good luck!

07-24-2011, 06:50 PM	#27
proximitywithoutintimacy Member How Do You Identify?: Rocker Lesbian Preferred Pronoun?: That One Girl ;) Relationship Status: Putting My Heart Back Together Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: USA Posts: 175 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 141 Thanked 290 Times in 106 Posts Rep Power: 670281	Okay. Thank you all for taking time to talk to me. I'm sorry for kinda treating this thread as an emotional journal of sorts. That was not my intention and I do know what I need to do. I appreciate you all sharing your thoughts. I think we can all agree that, well, relationships are hard.

07-26-2011, 11:42 PM	#28
ruffryder Senior Member How Do You Identify?: FTM Preferred Pronoun?: guy ones Relationship Status: ... Join Date: May 2011 Location: chillin' in FL Posts: 3,690 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 21,951 Thanked 9,678 Times in 2,875 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	I hope you are okay. Things happen for a reason and it will all work out how it is supposed to. Have faith in that and believe it and you will be happy with whatever happens. (:

10-19-2011, 03:14 AM	#30
proximitywithoutintimacy Member How Do You Identify?: Rocker Lesbian Preferred Pronoun?: That One Girl ;) Relationship Status: Putting My Heart Back Together Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: USA Posts: 175 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 141 Thanked 290 Times in 106 Posts Rep Power: 670281	I let her go; if she is no longer happy with me, then I wish her happiness in all her endeavors. First time I've ever let someone go - kind of proud of myself, because all the other times I've been selfish. This girl sure changed my life in many ways. If she comes back into my life, it'll be because she was supposed to. If not, life will go on for both of us It's been nearly three months since we've spoken, and although I still love her, I am moving on and focusing on myself Second chances, if and when they do happen, come to those who know they're worth the wait, not those who cry, plead, beg and scream and render themselves a wreck xoxo.