Breaking up

[Merlin]

Does anyone agree here that when you break up with someone you go through a form of grieving ?

[PinkieLee]

Of course you go through a period of grieving during any breakup...
Grieving the loss of the relationship, the friendship & hopes for the future.

It's a natural emotion that should be faced. My advice is to not let the grief consume every aspect of your life. Yes you feel pain, but you've still got to get up and go to work. Yes your heart is hurting and your life is upside down, but the sun is still gonna come up every day.

*you never know how strong you are, until being strong is your only choice*

[cinderella]

Obviously, it depends on how much feelings you had for the person. Most times, the one who walks away feels no, or little grief. Naturally, every situation is different. Sometimes the one who walks away is hurting more...

Originally Posted by Merlin

Does anyone agree here that when you break up with someone you go through a form of grieving ?

[FlowerFem]

Of course you do. If you loved them. But I've had breakups where it was a relief. They were a burden or unhealthy. They offered very little so there was'nt much to miss, or be sad about.

[T D]

I believe that leaving a relationship can be a long drawn out, difficult, and sad process. It is often times very painful and can bring about a great deal of grief for the person leaving as well. Yes it can also be a relief, but that doesn't necessarily make it any easier. No matter which side of the coin you're on it's a loss, and loss is never easy. Just my opinion.

[EnderD_503]

I think it depends on the person, situation and length of time the relationship lasted. Some people don't take relationships as seriously as others, and maybe they find it easier to move on, while others need time. Also, if the relationship was fairly short, then that might lessen the impact on both parties. I think the longer the relationship, the harder it probably is to come out of it for most people.

[Apocalipstic]

I think sometimes the grief we feel is for how we wish the relationship had been.....even if we were the one to walk away.

Grief for the good times, the good parts, the person you loved but maybe just are not, for what ever reason, compatible with any more.

Grief that the picture you had for your life was not real.

Grief that you have to start over.

Grief that you look at yourself differently.

Grief.

[Merlin]

Heartbreak.

It's happened to me every time .. And it feels like a little piece of my heart dies when a relationship fizzles out.

[Sachita]

Originally Posted by T D

I believe that leaving a relationship can be a long drawn out, difficult, and sad process. It is often times very painful and can bring about a great deal of grief for the person leaving as well. Yes it can also be a relief, but that doesn't necessarily make it any easier. No matter which side of the coin you're on it's a loss, and loss is never easy. Just my opinion.

oh yeah. It took me a few years. I cried a lot. I still get a tinge of pain when I think about the life we should of had and the time we invested. Grieving sums it up perfectly

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by Merlin

Does anyone agree here that when you break up with someone you go through a form of grieving ?

Of course. The relationship you had with another is dead and, thus, you go through the 5 steps of grief.

1. Denial and Isolation
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

Though, not everyone goes through the steps in the same way or processes them similarly. But, in some regard, we all do them.

[girl_dee]

I must be pretty cold or detached because I've not experienced grieving. What I experienced was being upset with myself for ignoring red flags, letting things go on too long and kicking myself for always being broke after a relationship.

Maybe I was too busy being pissed to grieve.

[Quintease]

Originally Posted by sassy_girl

I must be pretty cold or detached because I've not experienced grieving. What I experienced was being upset with myself for ignoring red flags, letting things go on too long and kicking myself for always being broke after a relationship.

Maybe I was too busy being pissed to grieve.

I have experienced this. I have a lot of trouble letting relationships go, even bad relationships. I always feel that if. I. just. hang. on. a. little. bit. longer. we might fix this thing... Of course I know it's rubbish, I know I'm unhappy, I know the likelihood of it getting better is minimal, yet still I hang on as I've invested time, emotions, and wardrobe space into making it work. When I finally give up I feel relief first, then annoyance at myself for being so stupid as to let it go on too long and even more fury if I let them drain me financially before finally giving them the boot. I only grieve the people I loved (not that I'm implying you didn't love your partners).

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Quintease

I have experienced this. I have a lot of trouble letting relationships go, even bad relationships. I always feel that if. I. just. hang. on. a. little. bit. longer. we might fix this thing... Of course I know it's rubbish, I know I'm unhappy, I know the likelihood of it getting better is minimal, yet still I hang on as I've invested time, emotions, and wardrobe space into making it work. When I finally give up I feel relief first, then annoyance at myself for being so stupid as to let it go on too long and even more fury if I let them drain me financially before finally giving them the boot. I only grieve the people I loved (not that I'm implying you didn't love your partners).

exactly. I am wiser now

[Soon]

"We think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don't really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It's just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy."


~Pema Chodron

[Scrappy L'il Southpaw]

Originally Posted by Quintease

I have experienced this. I have a lot of trouble letting relationships go, even bad relationships. I always feel that if. I. just. hang. on. a. little. bit. longer. we might fix this thing... Of course I know it's rubbish, I know I'm unhappy, I know the likelihood of it getting better is minimal, yet still I hang on as I've invested time, emotions, and wardrobe space into making it work. When I finally give up I feel relief first, then annoyance at myself for being so stupid as to let it go on too long and even more fury if I let them drain me financially before finally giving them the boot.

I very much identify with this part of what you say. My BF and I were talking this week and she said to me, "I don't understand why you continue in a relationship even when you know it is not working for you." I do this even if it has not been more than a few months. Once I commit, I'm in. When it's truly over, I'm depressed over the loss and pissed and embarrassed for continuing so long after my mind and my gut was telling me "this is not good or right for me."

Quintease thank you for putting it into words. I'm going through it right now and am in such a spiral that I'm not making sense when I try to talk it out. I read your post and nearly burst into tears because it resonated so strongly with me.

Grieve? Oh hell yeah!!!!!

[Amber2010]

Obviously, it depends on how much feelings you had for the person. Most times, the one who walks away feels no, or little grief. Naturally, every situation is different. Sometimes the one who walks away is hurting more...

I agree with that quote. The one who walks away without even trying to compromise and work things out really feels nothing or maybe never did.. that person was just a convenience for them. I really can't see them hurting more since they didn't try to work on it. The ones who do try even if it may not work out can stay talking thoughout their lives and I have met many who are close with their ex's. Friendships and relationships change but the ones who work together on them stay connected forever just in a different way and who knows it may even be better.

[MysticOceansFL]

I would have to say it depends on the two people involved and how much time and effort they both put into the relationship because at some point I was the one who had to walk away from my relationship years ago and her and I had a six year marriage an I didn't date anyone for several years.

[*Anya*]

Originally Posted by Merlin

Does anyone agree here that when you break up with someone you go through a form of grieving ?

I am almost embarrassed to admit how long it has taken me to get over my relationship-5 years of grieving. It was not the death of a person but death of hopes, dreams, plans, shared experiences & the belief we would be together forever. In my defense (I know I do not need to defend!) we lived together 18 years. It was also my choice-not hers. I thought that would make it easier but it wasn't. I have no regrets, I learned so much from her & still love her but no longer in love with her. All of a sudden I knew I was finished grieving and could move on. Funny how life works like that!

[lettertodaddy]

I'm grieving right now. Sitting here at the computer, a hopeless blubbering mess.

The end of this most recent relationship has unexpectedly triggered memories of a relationship that truly, truly broke me. I not only lost my lover, I lost my best friend, our community of friends, and ten years worth of memories.


I'm grieving the person I was before this happened, when I could let people in and trust them. Now all I do is second guess myself, second guess them, and worry that I'll be abandoned again.

I know I have work to do. I've spent the last three years working very, very hard on myself, But I'm backsliding right now and it is painful.

Thanks for letting me share this.

[Ginger]

Originally Posted by Merlin

Does anyone agree here that when you break up with someone you go through a form of grieving ?

Yes, sometimes there is grieving—and it can follow the Kubler-Ross model: Denial, Bargaining, Acceptance, I forget what the five stages are but you probably know them and my gf is yelling from across the room (I asked what they are), that they have been repudiated. Oh well, LOL

Sometimes I think there is also a feeling of liberation. And the healthy impulse to celebrate.

And sometimes it's both, a kind of rollercoaster: I'm free! I'm alone! I'm free! I miss her. I'm free! etc.