What do you do for closure?

[Violette]

My boifriend (of a year) broke up with me via email.

We had been struggling for a while and trying to work things through. I had broken up with her a couple of months ago b/c things were just not getting better. When I attempted to break things off, something opened up and we were able to see through muck and it gave us both hope. But the struggling soon came back and I was seriously contemplating whether or not we were well suited for each other. I think she sensed this and did a preemptive break up. Which, would have been fine with me, if she did it in person. I had suggested we make some time to see each other and then I received The Email. I feel so hurt by how she broke up with me. There was no chance at talking things out or breaking up in a loving way (I know that may sound corny, but I believe when you love someone and you realize that it just doesn't work, you can leave things on good terms).

Has anyone else been in this situation? Or any other situation when you didn't feel like you had a chance at closure? How have you come to closure?

Thank you in advanced!
~Violette

[Soft*Silver]

Closure in those situations, come only with time. One day you will just notice its over, inside. Not every relationship can end with words spoken. Some end because the people cant talk within the relationship...so how could they end it talking?

I personally would prefer an email or letter. Something written that I could muse or brood over, ingest and mull it. Thoroughly. Until I drained every bit of emotional blood I could out of it. But without the emotional display of fighting, crying, blaming, displaying, hoping, etc. Sometimes it feels good just to walk away with a letter. Something in my hand. Which probably meant what they gave my heart wasnt much...I just would need time to figure that out...

[macele]

saying goodbye. that's an emotional rollercoaster. time takes care of closure. time and moving on.

i've never been in a relationship that i gave forethought about breaking up and remaining friends. it just happened that way or didn't. depends on the two, i think.

some people are insecure. and they can't say in person for fear of looking like the fool, breaking down, not wanting to be the one that gets left behind, etc. and that's not about you. that's about them. their needs.

i personally think if you are in love, ... there's never complete closure. i'll always have love for the person. but there has to be steps made to letting go. live life. find what you enjoy. time will move you along.

Violette, i'm sorry for your pain. thank you for sharing.

[Martina]

Awwww. I am sorry. Some of it is hard just because it's finally final. Keep that in mind. It might have made it easier to have a better ending, but it still would have been hard. I recommend taking good care of yourself and trying to stay in the moment. Easier said than done, I know.

[Violette]

[quote=Miss_Tia;835464] "Not every relationship can end with words spoken. Some end because the people cant talk within the relationship...so how could they end it talking?"


That's a really good point, Miss Tia. Thank you for your insight!

Originally Posted by macele

some people are insecure. and they can't say in person for fear of looking like the fool, breaking down, not wanting to be the one that gets left behind, etc. and that's not about you. that's about them. their needs.

Violette, i'm sorry for your pain. thank you for sharing.

Thank you for reminding me of this, Macele! And thank you for the empathy! It is greatly appreciated!

Originally Posted by Martina

Awwww. I am sorry. Some of it is hard just because it's finally final. Keep that in mind. It might have made it easier to have a better ending, but it still would have been hard. I recommend taking good care of yourself and trying to stay in the moment. Easier said than done, I know.

Thank you, Martina! Yes, it still would have been hard.


I think part of what is difficult for me is what she wrote. Some things that were said were triggering for me. And of course, we have some mutual friends. I fear that they will think poorly of me because of how she has likely cast a dark shadow about me (I am concluding this by what she said), though I know I tried my best and I felt no malice toward her during this process.

[candy_coated_bitch]

Originally Posted by Violette

My boifriend (of a year) broke up with me via email.

We had been struggling for a while and trying to work things through. I had broken up with her a couple of months ago b/c things were just not getting better. When I attempted to break things off, something opened up and we were able to see through muck and it gave us both hope. But the struggling soon came back and I was seriously contemplating whether or not we were well suited for each other. I think she sensed this and did a preemptive break up. Which, would have been fine with me, if she did it in person. I had suggested we make some time to see each other and then I received The Email. I feel so hurt by how she broke up with me. There was no chance at talking things out or breaking up in a loving way (I know that may sound corny, but I believe when you love someone and you realize that it just doesn't work, you can leave things on good terms).

Has anyone else been in this situation? Or any other situation when you didn't feel like you had a chance at closure? How have you come to closure?

Thank you in advanced!
~Violette

I had an ex once who broke up with me over email. We were together over three years and were friends a long time before that. He had asked me for space at one point to deal with his own stuff--and I gave it to him. But I never knew what it was about. Then he emailed me out of the blue and said it was over. No explanation. He refused to talk to me about it at all. I literally never spoke to him again. It was devastating. I had NO way of making sense of it.

I think some really good things have been said already. As far as a situation like this goes--the only way you can find closure is within yourself. I think it's a different evolution than if you had someone else to process it with. But, you CAN process. Journal, vent to friends, write angry letters, do what you have to do. Just take care of yourself. It's an opportunity to be kind to yourself.

The only thing that will bring closure is time. Sometimes just letting go and knowing that helps. It will happen.

[*Anya*]

Sometimes the only closure that there is or that truly matters is the closure within oneself.

There is no one easy answer for what works and it may be different for each of us.

I believe that the passage of time is the only closure that there really is and sometimes there really are no clear-cut answers.

I am really sorry that you are hurting and hope that your heart is able to heal.

[The_Lady_Snow]

I personally don't need closure, if it's over it's over I like to move on. Break ups tend to happen with pre warning signs that we choose to ignore, look at it this way at least you don't have to do the back and forth thing!! Give it time you will heal and move on and be happier... I wish you much luck

[MsBluem]

My closure process usually involves a trip to see close friends, lots of laughter and, in general, a tattoo. A lot of my tattoos mark the end or beginning of important chapters of my life.

[JAGG]

I know it's an old cliche, but truely if you want closure only time can give you that. And you never know how long that will take. But it will happen eventually. I hope your pain passes quickly, and you find all sorts of things to be happy about along the way.

[LaneyDoll]

I have found that for me, closure tends to work best when the reminders are gone. That means getting rid of the emails, texts, voice mails, cards or whatever it may be that you can sink into to so that you can get those old feelings again. I also delete pics.

It is not easy though. I have deleted emails in tears and hated myself for doing it. I have absolutely longed for them and hated myself for deleting them. But I know that I am better off for doing so. When I have them, it is like reopening old wounds.

Now, I do still have items that were purchased for me by an ex. Most of the time, they shift to "just things" and I really do not have an emotional attachment to material gifts. I actually still have my old wedding ring. But now, it is just a ring. I forget what the original intent of it was. For some reason, things are just things; but this would obviously not include cards

[Girl_On_Fire]

I think some people truly don't understand how important closure is. Without it, no matter how much we kid ourselves, we never really move on. Not completely. This is why people die with regrets 40 years after a relationship has ended or can't come close to getting over someone who has passed away suddenly.

A sudden, unexplainable loss is devastating. It's like being dropped off a cliff. It's hard to grieve and move on when you don't understand what just happened.

I agree with the advice here. Writing angry letters that you never send or getting creative and writing a story (if you're the creative type) can do wonders for your healing process.

Sometimes, just deciding to let the person go with spiritual love (meaning lovingkindness and compassion) can be the best thing you can do to cut ties and let go even if you don't have the answer you were looking for. It gives you a feeling of empowerment because you are no longer allowing the person to control your life and your emotions.

This is a fresh wound and it will take time. If you are able to talk to your ex to straighten things out for the sake of closure, by all means do. If not, write a letter of "letting go" when you're ready and decide whether or not it's best to send it.

I wish you the best. I sympathize.

[Hominid]

The wild swing to, "maybe it's because she loves me so much and is hurt?" -
Self delusion is such a mind fuck!!

[starryeyes]

I learned that we don't really need closure. I thought I did, and did some really self destructive things trying to obtain it, and never really got it. After I started working on myself, I realized the only thing I could control was myself... And the "closure" wasn't necessary. What was that closure going to give me? Was it going to make me feel better?? Was it going to close the gaping wound in my heart (or tear it back open??). The only thing trying to get closure gave me was more grief and despair.

From someone who has been there, and back.... Take it from me. Move on, find things you enjoy and live your life. It's the only thing that will relieve what you are feeling and IT DOES GET BETTER (I promise)

<3

[Hominid]

Originally Posted by homoe

Sometimes one never gets closure! One just has to trudge forward and hope for the best. I watched friends as they 'parted ways' and the thing that always baffled me was the fighting over possessions. That I will NEVER understand! When my relationship ended, I mourned that, NOT the lost of any possession! You can always buy another set of sheets, CD, DVD, or towel, a new relationship, not so much!

Yes, I admit that adds to the hurt - I'm trying to deal with a very intense love and responses are about materialism. Not necessarily evil (again trying to find the elusive sunny side) - maybe the feelings were long gone. But I suppose I would care about the feelings of anyone, whether I loved them anymore or not.

[~ocean]

This might seem far fetched to comprehend ~ closure comes with the next "Hello" between you both ~ time does heal wounds ~ enjoy your life ! after all it is for the living

[TruTexan]

I'm NOT going to waste my head space in trying to figure it all out, Just move on forward and don't look backwards. Keep on keeping on, my own sanity is what is most important to me and in keeping my head sane in thoughts, then I must let go of all that has passed, including the material things I can replace.

[The JD]

I once made a "break-up" diorama with Lego people to help with closure, or at least to turn the anger over such a ridiculous break-up into ridiculous art.

The healing for me always comes when I'm too busy being engaged in my own life to think about it. I've had a break-up where I felt like the healing would happen when she acknowledged the ways in which she hurt me. I imagined the kind of Hollywood scene where people suddenly grow up and see the harm they've done and take responsibility for it. And amazingly, I even got that moment several years later. But I didn't need it, because I'd already healed on my own. What's more, had she given me that acknowledgment and apology before I was healed, it wouldn't have healed me or given me closure. That's something I can only give to myself.

I know I've got closure when I can feel compassion again, instead of anger or disgust. That doesn't mean I always reach out when I feel it, though. I need to have compassion for myself too, and that sometimes means leaving the past in the past.