What is Forgiveness?

Blade · 02-07-2010, 02:36 PM

There are many events that happen in our lives from childhood to current events that require us to forgive. Maybe abuse, or something a friend said or did or your parents or a spouse or partner. Sometimes we even have to find a way to forgive strangers.

How do you deal with forgiveness? Are there steps you take or processes you go through in your mind or physically. What do you do to forgive and really mean it?

I read a list that opened my eyes just a bit ago, and got me to thinking.

What Forgiveness is not
Forgiveness is not condoning unkindness
Forgiveness is not forgetting that what happened was painful
Forgiveness is not excusing poor behavior
Forgiveness is not denying or minimizing your hurt
Forgiveness does not mean reconciling with the offender
Forgiveness does not mean you give up having feelings

What is Forgiveness
Forgiveness is for you not the offender
Forgiveness is taking back your power
Forgiveness is taking responsibility for how you feel
Forgiveness is about your healing not about the person that hurt you
Forgiveness isa trainable skill just like learning to throw a ball
Forgiveness is a choice
Forgiveness is becoming the hero instead of the victim

Let's talk about forgiveness, as we all have to deal with it in some form or another at various times of our lives

Lady Jewel · 02-07-2010, 02:45 PM

In order to save MYSELF, I HAD to forgive the man who raped and beat me within an inch of my life. It was a cancer that grew and ate at me, until it almost destroyed me. So I forgave him in my heart. But forget? NEVER. EVER. I feel compassion towards him that in his fucked up mind he felt by raping me, it would prove his love for me. And that by beating me up, he would scare me into submisson. I forgive that. But forget? NEVER. My forgiveness of him was ALL for me. THAT he couldnt beat or rape out of me,

In unity,
Jewel

The_Lady_Snow · 02-07-2010, 03:03 PM

I can forgive...

I will not forget though...

Andrew, Jr. · 02-07-2010, 04:35 PM

I will have to come back and post on this.

Andrew, Jr. · 02-07-2010, 05:44 PM

For me, and me alone, I believe in forgiveness. It is apart of unconditional love. I also believe it is an attitude. You have to make the decision yourself, by yourself, to forgive someone. I trust God to judge other's and their behavior.

For example, my bio-father was abusive. Nothing can change his behavior. I have to accept him, but forgive his behavior and move on. I cannot change the past. It haunts me to this very day. I cannot understand it. It makes no sense to me. It is the same as a parent who discovers their child who took nude pictures of themselves and posted them on the internet for all to see. You love your child, but hate the behavior.

Some people believe in Karma. I do as well. However, Karma isn't just about the bad things in life. It is also about the good things too. What comes around goes around. Both good and bad.

Namaste,
Andrew

Andrew, Jr. · 02-08-2010, 02:25 PM

BUMP de BUMP BUMP

Diva · 02-09-2010, 05:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blade

[COLOR="DarkOrange"]

What Forgiveness is not
Forgiveness is not condoning unkindness
Forgiveness is not forgetting that what happened was painful
Forgiveness is not excusing poor behavior
Forgiveness is not denying or minimizing your hurt
Forgiveness does not mean reconciling with the offender
Forgiveness does not mean you give up having feelings

What is Forgiveness
Forgiveness is for you not the offender
Forgiveness is taking back your power
Forgiveness is taking responsibility for how you feel
Forgiveness is about your healing not about the person that hurt you
Forgiveness isa trainable skill just like learning to throw a ball
Forgiveness is a choice
Forgiveness is becoming the hero instead of the victim

Let's talk about forgiveness, as we all have to deal with it in some form or another at various times of our lives

I just wanted to post a section of the OP......it's so powerful.....and timely.

Apocalipstic · 02-10-2010, 03:51 PM

I am interested in forgiveness being a trainable skill. I would love to train myself to forgive.

Don't get me wrong, anyone who has ever asked me for forgiveness has gotten it...in general I would say I am a very forgiving person. And I am not talking about smallslights... I am trying to learn to forgive someone who gaslighted me all my life and is no longer around.

People say so many things about how I have to just let it go, and I have no idea how.

Yes, I am in therapy.

christie · 02-10-2010, 04:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

I am interested in forgiveness being a trainable skill. I would love to train myself to forgive.

Don't get me wrong, anyone who has ever asked me for forgiveness has gotten it...in general I would say I am a very forgiving person. And I am not talking about smallslights... I am trying to learn to forgive someone who gaslighted me all my life and is no longer around.

People say so many things about how I have to just let it go, and I have no idea how.

Yes, I am in therapy.

This is a tough one.

For me, the crux is forgiving when it hasn't been asked for - when the offender may not have a bloody clue as to the impact of the words, the actions, the inactions or nonwords.

I think that when we don't freely forgive these "trespasses" that we wind up just bottling that hurt up inside and I do think, as others have wisely stated here, that WE are the ones suffering for it. We stuff that hurt, anger and betrayal down and the negativity usually manifests in our health or in our interactions with the world.

Sometimes, when I can't just seem to "get over it", I put it on paper. I write a letter as if I were going to send it to that person. Once its on paper (or in Word) I get rid of it. I've been known to burn the actual paper (not to be confused with setting an ex's stuff on fire at the edge of her yard. Enough bourbon and it SOUNDED like a good idea - but that is another thread about the follies of youth). If I typed it out on the PC, I delete it.

Its symbolic for me in that I am making that decision to be done with it - either in the pressing of the delete key or by striking that match.

I've also been known to ask for a cathartic "scene". Its been quite a while since I've needed that level of purging of the negative energy, but who knows, maybe its something I need.

I'm sure others have their own ways in letting go. I'd be interested to hear them.

((((((((((((((((jen)))))))))))))) I've missed you posting!

Christie

Apocalipstic · 02-10-2010, 05:18 PM

Actually my therapist mentioned having some sort of ceremonial burning of something. Maybe a letter is the way to go?

I sent him (My father) a letter 12 years ago stating how I felt and demanding that I be treated with respect....We never spoke again.

Maybe I will start writing how I feel about the whole thing, then burn the letter with tons of sage or something. I had no idea what to burn, thank you so much.

For my sister the cremation was enough, somehow I need more.

Man am I high maintenance!
Hey that made me laugh...cool!

Daywalker · 02-10-2010, 05:33 PM

I have a personal belief...that although making amends and forgiveness
are 2 different things...I have 'made amends' with a few this year
and that seems to ease the need to forgive.

Rehashing is not always a good thing...for me.

Nina · 02-10-2010, 05:57 PM

perhaps for me it's semantics...I don't have, for myself, a goal of 'forgiveness'...my goal is for 'acceptance'...what happened, what choices (or compulsions) were meted out is what happened...I think that it's my way of letting go of wishing things had not happened...or trying to figure out what (and it's almost always nothing) I could have done to prevent events, or what I might have 'done' to cause them...

I am, often to my detriment, able to really Understand why people do harm to others...how their own injuries drive them to act out in the ways they do, etc...I also know that someone with the same kinds of woundings can choose Not to impose harm on others...(that is simplistic I know)...

my challenge is just accepting the truth of things...not getting stuck in wishing...not getting mired in self-pity...not giving up on struggling to move through the effects of being broken in ways which could keep me paralyzed...I find that when I am able to look at things and not have an immediate reaction which leads to self-destructive impulses, I have achieved a freedom from the past and move in the present and into the future empowered...

as for forgetting....I never forget, and I don't want to...all the experiences of my life are just that--all the pieces that make up the Whole of My Life...I strive to be able to remember by conscious choice and not by having tapes running on a loop...but I want to have the strength and grace to hold all the memories of my life...

that's what I work for and on and somehow forgiving just isn't the right fit for me, or what my internal filing system is all about...

n

Tuff Stuff · 10-31-2015, 09:14 PM

Forgiveness??..who am I to forgive?..should I forgive myself? should I forgive others?..hey,the past is the past..and to me,that can mean one day ago.

Not forgetting,now that can be toxic for me...and so,I move on and not lay my bad past experiences onto the new people who come into my life.

At my age,I can't worry about nothing else but what is here at the moment.What I mean is that I live right now,right here,in the present..of course i'm probably more wiser,less trusting,more likely these days to say no to someone.

Still,I am no angel,I make bad mistakes,I have hurt others and their feelings...people have hurt mine...people do that to one another.

Don't let it eat you up inside...we're only human,acting human.

Shystonefem · 11-01-2015, 03:59 AM

Although I know it is not good for my soul, it can take me decades to forgive (obviously for the big things, not the small things).

My mom died 27 years ago and I just forgave her about 5 years ago. That doesn't mean I didn't love her, I think it is because I love her so much and she was suppose to love me, that it took that long.

I don't ever sweart the small stuff ..... the big stuff hurts. I have something going on with someone right now that very well could matter 5 years from now. I know this person will be one that I won't forgive and will intentionally avoid for the rest if my life. I don't have to wish them bad, I'll just be indifferent towards the situation. When it is all over, I'll never see them ever again and they will never know when I have forgiven because I won't talk to them ever again.

Ubless it is a big thing, I forgive quickly. If it is a big thing, they can plan on never hearing from me again.

~ocean · 11-01-2015, 06:33 AM

accepting the differences in ppl have taught me to forgive ~ there are some things ppl have to forgive themselves for ~

TruTexan · 11-02-2015, 09:34 AM

speaks volumes to me.

Ginger · 11-02-2015, 07:00 PM

I think we forgive people because hating them doesn't serve us in any way.

02-07-2010, 02:36 PM	#1
Blade Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: TG Preferred Pronoun?: He Relationship Status: once in a while someone amazing comes along...and here I am! Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: Down on the farm Posts: 5,492 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 9,850 Thanked 14,400 Times in 4,049 Posts Rep Power: 21474856	What is Forgiveness? There are many events that happen in our lives from childhood to current events that require us to forgive. Maybe abuse, or something a friend said or did or your parents or a spouse or partner. Sometimes we even have to find a way to forgive strangers. How do you deal with forgiveness? Are there steps you take or processes you go through in your mind or physically. What do you do to forgive and really mean it? I read a list that opened my eyes just a bit ago, and got me to thinking. What Forgiveness is not Forgiveness is not condoning unkindness Forgiveness is not forgetting that what happened was painful Forgiveness is not excusing poor behavior Forgiveness is not denying or minimizing your hurt Forgiveness does not mean reconciling with the offender Forgiveness does not mean you give up having feelings What is Forgiveness Forgiveness is for you not the offender Forgiveness is taking back your power Forgiveness is taking responsibility for how you feel Forgiveness is about your healing not about the person that hurt you Forgiveness isa trainable skill just like learning to throw a ball Forgiveness is a choice Forgiveness is becoming the hero instead of the victim Let's talk about forgiveness, as we all have to deal with it in some form or another at various times of our lives

02-07-2010, 03:03 PM	#3
The_Lady_Snow MILLION $$$ PUSSY How Do You Identify?: Kinky, Raw, Perverted, Uber Queer Alpha Femme Preferred Pronoun?: Iconic Ms. Relationship Status: Keeper of 3, only one has the map to my freckles Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: La Reina del Sur Posts: 22,488 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 32,231 Thanked 80,119 Times in 15,678 Posts Rep Power: 21474873	I can forgive... I will not forget though... __________________ "If you’re going to play these dirty games of ours, then you might as well indulge completely. It’s all about turning back into an animal and that’s the beauty of it. Place your guilt on the sidewalk and take a blow torch to it (guilt is usually worthless anyway). Be perverted, be filthy, do things that mannered people shouldn’t do. If you’re going to be gross then go for it and don’t wimp out."---Master Aiden

02-07-2010, 04:35 PM	#4
Andrew, Jr. Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Me Preferred Pronoun?: He Relationship Status: Unavailable Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Over the Rainbow in a House Posts: 5,072 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 16,004 Thanked 5,249 Times in 2,216 Posts Rep Power: 0	Forgiveness I will have to come back and post on this.

02-07-2010, 05:44 PM	#5
Andrew, Jr. Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Me Preferred Pronoun?: He Relationship Status: Unavailable Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Over the Rainbow in a House Posts: 5,072 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 16,004 Thanked 5,249 Times in 2,216 Posts Rep Power: 0	Forgiveness = Unconditional Love For me, and me alone, I believe in forgiveness. It is apart of unconditional love. I also believe it is an attitude. You have to make the decision yourself, by yourself, to forgive someone. I trust God to judge other's and their behavior. For example, my bio-father was abusive. Nothing can change his behavior. I have to accept him, but forgive his behavior and move on. I cannot change the past. It haunts me to this very day. I cannot understand it. It makes no sense to me. It is the same as a parent who discovers their child who took nude pictures of themselves and posted them on the internet for all to see. You love your child, but hate the behavior. Some people believe in Karma. I do as well. However, Karma isn't just about the bad things in life. It is also about the good things too. What comes around goes around. Both good and bad. Namaste, Andrew

02-10-2010, 03:51 PM	#8
Apocalipstic Pink Confection How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: She, Her, Ma'am Relationship Status: Dating Myself Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Nashville Posts: 4,266 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 17,195 Thanked 11,383 Times in 2,840 Posts Rep Power: 21474855	I am interested in forgiveness being a trainable skill. I would love to train myself to forgive. Don't get me wrong, anyone who has ever asked me for forgiveness has gotten it...in general I would say I am a very forgiving person. And I am not talking about smallslights... I am trying to learn to forgive someone who gaslighted me all my life and is no longer around. People say so many things about how I have to just let it go, and I have no idea how. Yes, I am in therapy. __________________

02-07-2010, 02:45 PM	#2
Lady Jewel Member How Do You Identify?: * Preferred Pronoun?: * Relationship Status: * Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: * Posts: 298 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 120 Thanked 322 Times in 124 Posts Rep Power: 790	In order to save MYSELF, I HAD to forgive the man who raped and beat me within an inch of my life. It was a cancer that grew and ate at me, until it almost destroyed me. So I forgave him in my heart. But forget? NEVER. EVER. I feel compassion towards him that in his fucked up mind he felt by raping me, it would prove his love for me. And that by beating me up, he would scare me into submisson. I forgive that. But forget? NEVER. My forgiveness of him was ALL for me. THAT he couldnt beat or rape out of me, In unity, Jewel

02-08-2010, 02:25 PM	#6
Andrew, Jr. Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Me Preferred Pronoun?: He Relationship Status: Unavailable Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Over the Rainbow in a House Posts: 5,072 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 16,004 Thanked 5,249 Times in 2,216 Posts Rep Power: 0	BUMP de BUMP BUMP

02-10-2010, 05:18 PM	#10
Apocalipstic Pink Confection How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: She, Her, Ma'am Relationship Status: Dating Myself Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Nashville Posts: 4,266 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 17,195 Thanked 11,383 Times in 2,840 Posts Rep Power: 21474855	Actually my therapist mentioned having some sort of ceremonial burning of something. Maybe a letter is the way to go? I sent him (My father) a letter 12 years ago stating how I felt and demanding that I be treated with respect....We never spoke again. Maybe I will start writing how I feel about the whole thing, then burn the letter with tons of sage or something. I had no idea what to burn, thank you so much. For my sister the cremation was enough, somehow I need more. Man am I high maintenance! Hey that made me laugh...cool! __________________

02-10-2010, 05:33 PM	#11
Daywalker Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Hippy Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: * Posts: 3,750 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 6,499 Thanked 11,917 Times in 2,700 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	I have a personal belief...that although making amends and forgiveness are 2 different things...I have 'made amends' with a few this year and that seems to ease the need to forgive. Rehashing is not always a good thing...for me. __________________ www.SirDaywalker.com

02-10-2010, 05:57 PM	#12
Nina Timed Out How Do You Identify?: unmistakably Preferred Pronoun?: dearheart Relationship Status: In love, loved and Happy, thanks for askin' Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: SF CA Posts: 1,720 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,113 Thanked 3,383 Times in 931 Posts Rep Power: 0	eeek a little... perhaps for me it's semantics...I don't have, for myself, a goal of 'forgiveness'...my goal is for 'acceptance'...what happened, what choices (or compulsions) were meted out is what happened...I think that it's my way of letting go of wishing things had not happened...or trying to figure out what (and it's almost always nothing) I could have done to prevent events, or what I might have 'done' to cause them... I am, often to my detriment, able to really Understand why people do harm to others...how their own injuries drive them to act out in the ways they do, etc...I also know that someone with the same kinds of woundings can choose Not to impose harm on others...(that is simplistic I know)... my challenge is just accepting the truth of things...not getting stuck in wishing...not getting mired in self-pity...not giving up on struggling to move through the effects of being broken in ways which could keep me paralyzed...I find that when I am able to look at things and not have an immediate reaction which leads to self-destructive impulses, I have achieved a freedom from the past and move in the present and into the future empowered... as for forgetting....I never forget, and I don't want to...all the experiences of my life are just that--all the pieces that make up the Whole of My Life...I strive to be able to remember by conscious choice and not by having tapes running on a loop...but I want to have the strength and grace to hold all the memories of my life... that's what I work for and on and somehow forgiving just isn't the right fit for me, or what my internal filing system is all about... n

10-31-2015, 09:14 PM	#13
Tuff Stuff Member How Do You Identify?: Butch Woman Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: Married Join Date: May 2013 Location: California Posts: 695 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 904 Thanked 1,318 Times in 506 Posts Rep Power: 9408452	Clear the air.. Forgiveness??..who am I to forgive?..should I forgive myself? should I forgive others?..hey,the past is the past..and to me,that can mean one day ago. Not forgetting,now that can be toxic for me...and so,I move on and not lay my bad past experiences onto the new people who come into my life. At my age,I can't worry about nothing else but what is here at the moment.What I mean is that I live right now,right here,in the present..of course i'm probably more wiser,less trusting,more likely these days to say no to someone. Still,I am no angel,I make bad mistakes,I have hurt others and their feelings...people have hurt mine...people do that to one another. Don't let it eat you up inside...we're only human,acting human.

11-01-2015, 03:59 AM	#14
Shystonefem Member How Do You Identify?: Stone Femme Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: Shy for President Join Date: May 2014 Location: NH Posts: 1,105 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 5,475 Thanked 3,678 Times in 898 Posts Rep Power: 21474847	Although I know it is not good for my soul, it can take me decades to forgive (obviously for the big things, not the small things). My mom died 27 years ago and I just forgave her about 5 years ago. That doesn't mean I didn't love her, I think it is because I love her so much and she was suppose to love me, that it took that long. I don't ever sweart the small stuff ..... the big stuff hurts. I have something going on with someone right now that very well could matter 5 years from now. I know this person will be one that I won't forgive and will intentionally avoid for the rest if my life. I don't have to wish them bad, I'll just be indifferent towards the situation. When it is all over, I'll never see them ever again and they will never know when I have forgiven because I won't talk to them ever again. Ubless it is a big thing, I forgive quickly. If it is a big thing, they can plan on never hearing from me again. __________________ Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them - that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like. ~Lao Tzu

11-01-2015, 06:33 AM	#15
~ocean Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: femme blows a kiss off my finger tips * Preferred Pronoun?: ~ hey girl ~ Relationship Status: ~ single & content ~ Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Massachusetts ~coastal Posts: 7,905 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 22,958 Thanked 16,125 Times in 4,736 Posts Rep Power: 21474858	accepting the differences in ppl have taught me to forgive ~ there are some things ppl have to forgive themselves for ~ __________________ ~ Always, ocean

11-02-2015, 09:34 AM	#16
TruTexan Senior Member How Do You Identify?: lesbian butch Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: Single Join Date: Aug 2013 Location: in a one horse town in a large state, in the U.S. Posts: 3,952 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 6,112 Thanked 5,268 Times in 1,633 Posts Rep Power: 21474850	speaks volumes to me. __________________

11-02-2015, 07:00 PM	#17
Ginger Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Femme lesbian Join Date: Mar 2012 Location: East coast Posts: 2,416 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 5,829 Thanked 12,310 Times in 2,057 Posts Rep Power: 21474851	I think we forgive people because hating them doesn't serve us in any way. __________________ Reach out.