Adult Children Moving Home

[jelli]

Anyone have adult children(with or without families of their own) asking to move home? If so, how did you respond? What rules did you put in place? What did you learn? What suggestions would you give to someone else in your place?

[jelli]

The end of May our son, G(19yrs old), and his "supposedly" pregnant and recently married(17 yr old) other half moved in with us. They are supposed to stay just long enough to get some money saved and get into a place of their own.

I had her go for a pregnancy confirmation and guess what? Negative. Son is bothered by it, but states he still loves her and wants to be with her.

All I asked was for her to be taking her birth control, her Seroquel, and get some counseling. Our son has become somewhat passive aggressive with her in order to "keep the piece".

Well, I don't want to raise his wife. So periodically we have to have a "come to jesus" meeting.

Yes, drama.

[Blade]

Originally Posted by jelli

The end of May our son, G(19yrs old), and his "supposedly" pregnant and recently married(17 yr old) other half moved in with us. They are supposed to stay just long enough to get some money saved and get into a place of their own.

I had her go for a pregnancy confirmation and guess what? Negative. Son is bothered by it, but states he still loves her and wants to be with her.

All I asked was for her to be taking her birth control, her Seroquel, and get some counseling. Our son has become somewhat passive aggressive with her in order to "keep the piece".

Well, I don't want to raise his wife. So periodically we have to have a "come to jesus" meeting.Yes, drama.

Jelli I think it is hard anytime you have a family member move in with you, not just an adult child. However yes my son came back home for a short period when he was 24. I told him the rules were still the same as always. He stayed about 2 months and got a job and moved out. I've always been a strict parent and they know I mean business and I command their respect.

[jelli]

Our son, Garrett(19), married *J* just over 2 months ago, in Michigan, because she claimed she was pregnant. He did/does care about her, but stated he did not want kids nor would he have gotten married. He was trying to do the right thing he claimed.

Once married they relocated here with us. this was for Garrett to get a good job, save, and get a place of their own. Since they've moved here this girl has been nothing but an emotional roller coaster. She supposedly is bipolar or BPD. Totally disruptive, but then can go to miss sweet and innocent butt kisser in the blink of an eye.

Regardless of the amount of assistance and resources you give her she fails to do anything with them unless you call her out. Then she will temporarily appear to be getting her poop in a group, usually long enough for you to be distracted/forget, and then the cycle repeats. we have had so many conversations, family meetings, etc. it goes nowhere, but in a circle.

Lies, blame, snarky, temper tantrums, not saving a dime, trying to get info on Garrett's accounts(his company called him to verify), truly seems like she is 5. Their accounts are separate because he believes she stole a coin that he had and gave to her addict family.

Garrett knows she had lied on more than one occasion about circumstances, but the pregnancy and emotional side put it over the top. He called MI and they stated he would have to discuss with an attorney to even find out if he qualified for an annulment or if he would have to get an attorney for a divorce. Spoke to a local attorney and she mentioned about SC being a no contest state and that they would have to live apart one year before he'd ever see a courtroom.

He wants to send her back to Michigan relatively soon. Soon as in by Sunday.

He plans to do this in a way that there may potential for her to step up and take responsibility for herself and her actions. The ball would be in her court to do the things such as counseling, meds, birth control, school, etc to see if she is actually serious and committed. They can get together periodically to check progress. If not, then they're still been living apart like they would need for a divorce.

I explained you can do whatever you want your relationship/marriage, but you can't do it here because I do not choose to live with her anymore.

I feel bad for him. All he was trying to do was 'the right thing' since she was 'supposedly pregnant'.

[Peach]

Since there is no baby on the way (if I read it right) then ask them to move out. Make sure your son is taking responsibility for birth control, she does not seem capable, and might keep trying to get pregnant to tie him to her still. He should have insisted she pee on the stick and prove the pregnancy before marrying her, but....water under the bridge now. Make sure he keeps his eyes open to her!

[The_Lady_Snow]

Speaking of preggo tests..

Today I learned that you can buy +preggo tests on craigslist..........

<-- my why am I not cross posting face...

[Okiebug61]

My AARP magazine has an article that says 31% of people between the ages of 50-55 are helping support or completely supporting an adult child. That's really scary.

[DapperButch]

Originally Posted by Okiebug61

My AARP magazine has an article that says 31% of people between the ages of 50-55 are helping support or completely supporting an adult child. That's really scary.

I'm curious to know how they are defining "helping support". It could be just little stuff here and there.

[Martina]

One quarter of the U.S. population live in food insecure households. I am sure older people are contributing to their children's and grandchildren's income. Who wouldn't?

There used to be jobs that would employ people at a wage which could keep them going, but they are gone.

[Hollylane]

Originally Posted by Martina

One quarter of the U.S. population live in food insecure households. I am sure older people are contributing to their children's and grandchildren's income. Who wouldn't?

There used to be jobs that would employ people at a wage which could keep them going, but they are gone.

Don't get me started on that.

So many of my co-workers are completely hardened to the stories from people calling for payment arrangements on their utility bills. Yes, there are the deadbeats, but there is also a huge group of people who are working their asses off, and only barely treading water. Some of them formerly had a good income, owned their own homes, and had savings accounts, before their company laid them off, and/or sent jobs out of this country. It sickens me.

Honestly, as a home owner, working full time, at a pretty decent wage, with all the bells and whistles of good benefits, there are times when I struggle. So, I can only imagine what folks are experiencing while working more than one minimum wage job, without any health care benefits, and still not coming close to my yearly income. I've heard people who have grown up with privilege, comment that some people just don't make good investment decisions, and their responsible for that, but I ask you...What the hell do they have at the end of the day to invest in their future, or their children's future? Nada.

As for the subject of the thread...

If you look at cultures in some other countries, it is normal for an entire family to share one dwelling, its inhabitants' expenses, cost of upkeep, and responsibilities. Whether there are 5 people or, 15 people in the household, they share expenses/responsibility.

In my experience, the problem I hear about from a lot of my customers, is that adult children are moving back home, and expecting a free ride. That even if they are working, they are not making any effort to pay their way (while sitting home on the internet, blasting heating/AC to ridiculous comfort levels, and enjoying 30+ minute hot showers twice a day). This is something that really ticks me off, I do not have any respect for people who feel entitled to take advantage of family members, roommates, or government programs. When it is parents allowing this to happen, I think the blame goes both ways. In other words, I feel that they have a responsibility to their children to cut the cord with firm intention.

My parents sent me to the school of hard knocks. If I fail, I am the one responsible for picking myself up, dusting my ass off, and being responsible for fixing my own financial issues. They taught me that my choices led to certain results, some good, some very bad. At times, when I struggled, this seamed heartless and unfair of my parents. But, what I learned by experiencing hard times, is that I'm not entitled to shit, unless I earn it. So, I am grateful to my parents for expecting me to rely on myself, and take responsibility for my own life.

[Kelt]

I believe a lot of our housing choices going forward are going to be dictated by the economy. It is already been pointed out here that a "living" wage is getting harder and harder to come by. Whether is it adult children moving back in with their parents, or parents in their later years moving in with their children.

There are some other strategies being floated out there such as the Northern European concept of co-housing. There are a few of these communities being built here in the states, primarily in the west, and it is interesting to watch. These come in many forms be they small village type communities with people and families of all ages, or what is being built in my community right now which is more like a co-op/condo set up specifically as an elder co-housing community.

In an earlier post I spoke a little bit about multigenerational housing and how a lot of it is showing up on my own Main street. Shrinking wages or shrinking hours and benefits on higher wage jobs combined with what in some areas are absolutely bizarre real estate prices, something has to give. Right now a 3bd/2ba home on my street starts at $750K. Generally speaking, it takes more than two wage earners to pay that kind of mortgage.

The original premise of this thread was more towards irresponsible children looking for a free or partial ride. I'm glad that some people have stepped in to provide a variety of viewpoints. I think the other side of that coin is going to be seen as irresponsible parents, non-savers or those who could not, as well as some folks who had their financial ass handed to them just a few years ago and don't have enough time to make up for it, looking for a partial or full ride from their family in their elderly years. In that situation there's little hope that the elderly parent is going to be getting off their butt and finding gainful employment.

I don't have any answers, I am just looking out our economy as it stands and looking for some of those answers. I suspected shared housing and pooled resources in a wide range of formats will start playing more of a role in this country in the coming years.

[Okiebug61]

Originally Posted by DapperButch

I'm curious to know how they are defining "helping support". It could be just little stuff here and there.

Well I can tell you that Red and I have had to help support her brother for over a year before he found a job. It was as much as 300.00 a month at times. It was not fun and it was very stressful. We had to pay as much as 600.00 monthly to take care of the charges at the nursing home her mother was in for seven years.

A little stuff here and there can add up to hundreds of dollars. Her brothers cell phone alone costs us $360.00 a year. Thankfully he finally took a job and the contract on his phone runs out this next month and he has been informed that at 48 years old he will need to go and get his own phone.

[Blade]

Originally Posted by Okiebug61

My AARP magazine has an article that says 31% of people between the ages of 50-55 are helping support or completely supporting an adult child. That's really scary.

This is scary Okiebug61. What is even more scary is when people in this age group end up needing help from their parents.

Originally Posted by DapperButch

I'm curious to know how they are defining "helping support". It could be just little stuff here and there.

It doesn't really matter how they define, "helping support" reflecting on the state of the economy for the last several years, if a person has more than one adult child to help, it can get right expensive, especially if they have children as well.

My manager raised his two kids to live high on the hog. The son had his own landscaping/lawn business, the daughter had a 4 yr RN degree. When the economy tanked, they were way over their 28 and 30 year old heads in debt. Huge houses, fine cars, all the big boy toys, he helped support both of their families, so they wouldn't all want to move home or lose everything they had.

[Blade]

Just happen to come across this thread and had to chuckle a bit.

Ten yrs ago when my life was upside down Mom wanted me to sell my house and move in with her. I was like ummmm NO WAY! Then about 5 yrs ago when my hours and pay was drastically cut and the recession had set in good, she again was all but begging me to move back home. Again NO WAY!

My sister has had some unexpected issues this year. She makes very little money and didn't want to over extend herself getting an apartment and turning on power water etc.. My parents offered her to move home. OMG the first week Mom and Sis kept my phone text messages busy. Moma did this or said that, Do you remember way back (30 yrs)?, Then Mom would start, sis didn't do this and she said that. OMG it was like refereeing children.

Funniest thing was last weekend. My sister 46 yrs old....texts me and says check this out. It was a text from Mom that said, please be home before 9:30 tonight, I'm tired and going to bed early and I don't want the dog to wake me up barking when you come in. ROFLMAO!!!!

So as for adult children moving home. It can be quite a challenge for parents and the adult child. Rules if any should be discussed up front.

[Shystonefem]

I can honestly say that I am lucky in a way and not so much in a way.

My oldest son earns more than I do... solidly 6 figures.

My middle son does construction and, with his side jobs, does well.

My youngest (21) is still planning on going to school but right now he works full time for barely above min wage.


I would be in HEAVEN if my boys came home. All of them, their girlfriends/wives and my beautiful granddaughter would be welcomed with open arms.
I wouldn't even care if they paid anything (I got it).... It is the best feeling in the world to have those you love under one roof.

[JDeere]

At 38, right now and for the last few years of my life, I live at home with my parents. They are in their late 60's. Mom is retired and dad still works. They semi support me due to the simple fact I can't get a job and the government has screwed me over on my SSDI, 3 times now.

Do I help around the house, yes. I do the work they can't do at the moment.

Rules smules as long as nothing illegal is going on, there are no rules but I do give them enough respect as to let them know where I am and what goes on, just as they tell me what goes on.

So maybe seeing it from an adult child may give you some perspective as to how some people have no other choice.