Caregivers and Stress

[DressyFemme]

My partner is permanently disabled due to type 2 diabetes, a foot deformity and torn ligaments in her lower legs from a work accident. She uses a cane, walker or wheelchair depending on the length of excursion. She gets SSD and her disability retirement pension. It was a huge adjustment for us especially her as we were both active... dancing fishing coffee nights running a dinner group running a brunch etc. we cut back.

I HAVE to have me time. Even if it's going to the store to get groceries or pharmacy.... it helps me recharge. It's otherwise challenging. The hardest part was learning how to dress her wounds in her feet. I'm not a nurse but she ran out of nurse visits and Medicare won't pay for any more. I'm squeamish around blood. Her feet are more stable now but her treatment caused a foot deformity that makes it painful to walk.

I'm so glad to see this space is here. Anyone have any tips on devices that magnify syringe markings? Right now I draw her insulin everyday and I know it's important she can do it herself.

[girl_dee]

my mom is having a bad day. I try to put it out of my mind, but its hard.

Having distractions is good.

Honestly I cannot even believe she is still alive.

[MsTinkerbelly]

Originally Posted by DressyFemme

I'm so glad to see this space is here. Anyone have any tips on devices that
magnify syringe markings? Right now I draw her insulin everyday and I know it's important she can do it herself.

I'm not sure if it would work for you, but I put on very strong reading glasses ( like you get at the dollar store) or I use a magnifying glass to check how much I have pulled into the syringe.

[girl_dee]

Well my mom says she is feeling a little better.

Honestly I cringe waiting to get that reply in the mornings.

[Chad]

My mom's birthday is next week. I cannot wait to spoil her.
She is doing great with her new knee. I just need to tidy up her yard a bit. Also, I will clean her house while I am there.

[cricket26]

i picked up groceries for mom yesterday she seemed in good spirits

[girl_dee]

it seems like most of us are looking after our mothers. .........

Mine told me yesterday she was not well and could not get out of bed the entire day. Said she had fever and couldn't breathe well.. but not bad enough to go to the hospital. I was so worried i didn't sleep all night.

First thing this morning I texted her... there is always this sinking feeling waiting for her response. She did reply that she was feeling a little better. Great i thought. .. but again she says she is just not well.

Well a little while later she sent at text to me, that was obviously for one of her
posse buddies at the home..

"Yes, i texted you earlier,,, i am better, I'm going downstairs"....

I said well thats great mom! Have a nice time with your friends..

She says " I am still sick i just think the fresh air will help me"

She will NOT give me anything positive, ever. She wants me to think she is miserable and on death's door.

WHY????

[kittygrrl]

Originally Posted by girl_dee

it seems like most of us are looking after our mothers. .........

Mine told me yesterday she was not well and could not get out of bed the entire day. Said she had fever and couldn't breathe well.. but not bad enough to go to the hospital. I was so worried i didn't sleep all night.

First thing this morning I texted her... there is always this sinking feeling waiting for her response. She did reply that she was feeling a little better. Great i thought. .. but again she says she is just not well.

Well a little while later she sent at text to me, that was obviously for one of her
posse buddies at the home..

"Yes, i texted you earlier,,, i am better, I'm going downstairs"....

I said well thats great mom! Have a nice time with your friends..

She says " I am still sick i just think the fresh air will help me"

She will NOT give me anything positive, ever. She wants me to think she is miserable and on death's door.

WHY????

I went through the same thing with my mom. I don't believe even medication can help. As I've gotten older, I see why my mom felt the way she did. It's natural as you get older to see you are approaching the great unknown..some welcome it, others are frightened..In the end I think they greet it with a certain amount of relief and anticipation..From my own experience I would tell you to accept where your mom is. She does not feel well. There is a reason for it-it's called old age. Accept it and try to take it in stride and weird as it may feel to you, try very hard to appreciate and savor the good moments you have with your mom, yes even the bad moments! One day when she is gone you will be so happy you spent the time holding her hand and listening to her aches and pains. Give her some of your very positive energy..even if she doesn't believe in it. I wish the best for you and your mom<B

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by kittygrrl

I went through the same thing with my mom. I don't believe even medication can help. As I've gotten older, I see why my mom felt the way she did. It's natural as you get older to see you are approaching the great unknown..some welcome it, others are frightened..In the end I think they greet it with a certain amount of relief and anticipation..From my own experience I would tell you to accept where your mom is. She does not feel well. There is a reason for it-it's called old age. Accept it and try to take it in stride and weird as it may feel to you, try very hard to appreciate and savor the good moments you have with your mom, yes even the bad moments! One day when she is gone you will be so happy you spent the time holding her hand and listening to her aches and pains. Give her some of your very positive energy..even if she doesn't believe in it. I wish the best for you and your mom<B

thank you. this helped A LOT.

[Chad]

My mom's neighbor is back saying that he will buy mom's house. I hope that he fallows through this time because I need to have mom here with me.

I have great hope that this deal will go through.

[Chad]

Mom is coming for the weekend and we are going to a party at our relatives' house. I said okay I will smoke some ribs. She said good but what are you cooking for Easter dinner?

Easter! I forgot all about it.

Looks like I will spend the weekend cooking, grilling, and smoking food.

[girl_dee]

Chad that's great that you have that relationship with your mom.

Since i moved away my mom really likes to lay a guilt trip on me, and she is laying it on real thick. Much of my family is coming here (Goddess help me, we are a rowdy bunch) and she isn't. i can't help that. She is going to try everything she can to ruin it for me, so unfortunately i have to limit my communication with her, which makes me sad. she knows i am so happy here.

Each quick hello ends up with her dumping on me, and my feeling like total crap for not being there.

This goes back so far, and its so deep. i cannot imagine doing this to my kids.

[Chad]

Originally Posted by girl_dee

Chad that's great that you have that relationship with your mom.

Since i moved away my mom really likes to lay a guilt trip on me, and she is laying it on real thick. Much of my family is coming here (Goddess help me, we are a rowdy bunch) and she isn't. i can't help that. She is going to try everything she can to ruin it for me, so unfortunately i have to limit my communication with her, which makes me sad. she knows i am so happy here.

Each quick hello ends up with her dumping on me, and my feeling like total crap for not being there.

This goes back so far, and its so deep. i cannot imagine doing this to my kids.

I am sorry to hear about your strained relationship with your mother.

My situation is very stressful because of my work load and business travel. My mother and I get along okay for short periods of time but eventually get on each other's nerves. I am the only one left in my family so it is my responsibility to take care of her and help to enrich her life.

I respect her and honor her because she is my mother. It is not easy but it is necessary

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Chad

I am sorry to hear about your strained relationship with your mother.

My situation is very stressful because of my work load and business travel. My mother and I get along okay for short periods of time but eventually get on each other's nerves. I am the only one left in my family so it is my responsibility to take care of her and help to enrich her life.

I respect her and honor her because she is my mother. It is not easy but it is necessary

Chad, get that, but for me, because she is my mother isn't enough. The only way is to limit my contact with her. i have two siblings who do not speak to her. i have been the one and she is needy by choice. i am more forgiving than them, but i have my limits.

We went through role reversal when i was a kid. i moved out at 17 because of my parents. She finally left my monster of a father after he terrorized us since she met him. (WHY did she wait so long!, she could have saved us!) She was not much better anyway,.Well, she came to stay with me, and pretty much never left. To get her out of the house ( i had a family and she was always just *there* , just sitting on the couch.. ) i have bought a total of two properties and renovated a house for her. While i had friends and family helping me get the place fixed up for her, she would not come around. Then she never moved in it, and reunited with my father! That lasted about a week, and i could not let her back. Each time i have tried, she is not happy. She wants to be IN my house with me, and i just cant handle it. i cashed in a CD once and paid off her car, so she could afford rent somewhere, that did not work. She is overbearing and makes jabs constantly. i have had so many *talks* with her. When i meet someone she hates them right off the bat. The last time, in New Orleans i bought a house with an apartment in the back. It took me 3 months to get her to stay in the apartment, because she wanted to be IN my house that was 3 feet away. She thinks i should be fine with this. NOW She keeps saying i kicked her out. Threw her out.

At one point she stayed with my sister for a little while. She stayed between us both. After THREE years my sister asked her to move her things out. My mom says she threw her out.

i have also taken her on family vacations to Disneyworld several times, the mountains, you name it. i loved having my mom close, but it came at a price. i just cant pay it anymore.

Each time i went to go off with my friends, she told me off right before i left. My life was about how miserable my mom was. i had enough. i found an assisted living facility close by, and thats where she went. She loves it there although she would never admit it to me.

i moved across the country again, and when i talk to her i tell her about how happy i am, her only response is *when can i come out there with you*

Its a very very tough relationship. i have two parents, yet i have no parents.

just once i would like to be able to *go home to my momma* but it has never ever been the case, and i am not going to keep giving up my life hoping she may have one moment of happiness. Its not going to happen.

[Chad]

Originally Posted by girl_dee

Chad, get that, but for me, because she is my mother isn't enough. The only way is to limit my contact with her. i have two siblings who do not speak to her. i have been the one and she is needy by choice. i am more forgiving than them, but i have my limits.

We went through role reversal when i was a kid. i moved out at 17 because of my parents. She finally left my monster of a father after he terrorized us since she met him. (WHY did she wait so long!, she could have saved us!) She was not much better anyway,.Well, she came to stay with me, and pretty much never left. To get her out of the house ( i had a family and she was always just *there* , just sitting on the couch.. ) i have bought a total of two properties and renovated a house for her. While i had friends and family helping me get the place fixed up for her, she would not come around. Then she never moved in it, and reunited with my father! That lasted about a week, and i could not let her back. Each time i have tried, she is not happy. She wants to be IN my house with me, and i just cant handle it. i cashed in a CD once and paid off her car, so she could afford rent somewhere, that did not work. She is overbearing and makes jabs constantly. i have had so many *talks* with her. When i meet someone she hates them right off the bat. The last time, in New Orleans i bought a house with an apartment in the back. It took me 3 months to get her to stay in the apartment, because she wanted to be IN my house that was 3 feet away. She thinks i should be fine with this. NOW She keeps saying i kicked her out. Threw her out.

At one point she stayed with my sister for a little while. She stayed between us both. After THREE years my sister asked her to move her things out. My mom says she threw her out.

i have also taken her on family vacations to Disneyworld several times, the mountains, you name it. i loved having my mom close, but it came at a price. i just cant pay it anymore.

Each time i went to go off with my friends, she told me off right before i left. My life was about how miserable my mom was. i had enough. i found an assisted living facility close by, and thats where she went. She loves it there although she would never admit it to me.

i moved across the country again, and when i talk to her i tell her about how happy i am, her only response is *when can i come out there with you*

Its a very very tough relationship. i have two parents, yet i have no parents.

just once i would like to be able to *go home to my momma* but it has never ever been the case, and i am not going to keep giving up my life hoping she may have one moment of happiness. Its not going to happen.

I am sorry Dee, that sounds very unpleasant.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Chad

I am sorry Dee, that sounds very unpleasant.

Chad,

Gosh please accept my apology for my rant. My mom is giving me a really hard time right now, and, i think when i read about you & your mom having your *normal* plans etc. it totally triggered me. It happens now and then. This is not how its supposed to be.

i definitely did not mean to go on like that ! Whew that was quite a spew of emotion.

i am glad this space is here, believe me, i love my mom. i remind myself that she is doing the best she can. I am doing the best i can. its an extremely difficult relationship to manage (which i why i am the only one left to handle her) and i don't feel i have done a good job. Totally my stuff.


This adulting sure is a LOT of work!

[Chad]

Originally Posted by girl_dee

Chad,

Gosh please accept my apology for my rant. My mom is giving me a really hard time right now, and, i think when i read about you & your mom having your *normal* plans etc. it totally triggered me. It happens now and then. This is not how its supposed to be.

i definitely did not mean to go on like that ! Whew that was quite a spew of emotion.

i am glad this space is here, believe me, i love my mom. i remind myself that she is doing the best she can. I am doing the best i can. its an extremely difficult relationship to manage (which i why i am the only one left to handle her) and i don't feel i have done a good job. Totally my stuff.


This adulting sure is a LOT of work!

Dee, I apologize for upsetting you. I am worried about giving up my privacy when my mom comes to live at my ranch. Being a child of an aging parent is a lot harder than I imagined.

I am grateful for this thread too. We can all help each other. We are not alone and that feels good.

Chad

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Chad

Dee, I apologize for upsetting you. I am worried about giving up my privacy when my mom comes to live at my ranch. Being a child of an aging parent is a lot harder than I imagined.

I am grateful for this thread too. We can all help each other. We are not alone and that feels good.

Chad

Yes...

i think for some parents its not a big deal, they respect your privacy. My mom has no boundaries.

If i could do it again........i don't even know.

[girl_dee]

Well my mom hasn't spoken to me since Easter.

She said she was going to stay home all day and cry. My aunt and my sister took her out for the day and she had a good time.

But she still is punishing me. i am going to try again to reach out to her.

[girl_dee]

thank you to the person who sent me the message about not contacting my mom. i REALLY appreciate the insight.

Well she contacted me this morning. She sent me a photo of some newsletter she got from the facility where she lives. It was something crazy about HUD being discontinued and her losing her housing benefits.

and her comment was

"i am going to be living under a bridge"

i responded that i am sorry but thats not going to happen. Nothing i could do to make her stop going off.. so i just left the conversation.

This is weighing on me big time.