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Old 08-17-2010, 04:05 PM   #1
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Default This side of Heaven

you arrived on time
and into my heart

and inside my heart
a flower bloomed

the bud opened
you offered respite

i drank it in
never tasting hemlock

I opened further
inviting you deeper

you said
"wonderful, beautiful, delightful"

followed by
"but i just wanna f*** you"
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Old 12-16-2010, 09:33 PM   #2
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Default Again I have fallen

short of your expectations

long on your list of missed opportunities

add me to the line of women who fall just outside the 50 yard line

you need to be right

I want to be loved

I don't care who is right

you don't care you are loved

you learn lessons the first time

I can't get it right even after the third time

but I do get it now, I do, I really do

Again I have fallen, failed the test, I had to see for myself

I see that in my attempt to discover the truth

I lost you.
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Old 07-23-2011, 08:28 PM   #3
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Post Bare with me...... your hearts

April 30, 2007



Desert Roses


Keeping stacks of photo albums is not something I do. The way I see it is that if you can’t remember it, taking a picture won’t help. So I went through the snapshots in my head trying to remember five instances which I thought were memorable enough to write about. The first one was an 8mm film my mother had filmed when I was around two. I was running around my paternal grandfather’s yard showing off for my dad. Eventually he catches me, which was the point of the whole running around bit. I didn’t get to know my father, he and my mother divorced when I was three or four. I can’t remember if I loved him or not. I imagine I did, don’t all little girls love their daddies no matter what? Of course, the only reason I remember it at all is because my stepfather made the 8mm into video for me and I remember parts of the video.

The second was of me becoming a mother for the first time, at age 18, actually 20 days after I turned 18. In 1974, I got pregnant, graduated high school, got married, and had my first child, in that order. I was real busy in 1974. There I am holding my first child, I was one proud mother. He is my first True Love. He was so pretty with his big blue eyes and long eyelashes; everywhere I went people commented on what a beautiful baby girl he was. I got tired of correcting them, so I just said “thank you”. My son was born in Hawaii on Thanksgiving and my Hawaiian neighbors called him Maka Nui Nui, big bright eyes.

The third picture is of me holding my second child, my daughter, the love of my life. She was born on Valentine’s Day 1978. Yes, my children want to be remembered at holidays. The fourth snapshot is of the kids and my boyfriend standing in front of the giant anchor at Pearl Harbor. God, we had such a wonderful day that day. My boyfriend, was with us for six wonderful years. We went to several historical sites on Oahu that day, someday I will go back and see them all again. Since then my life has been like a Concord flight, almost at the speed of sound. Most of it is a blur. Mostly due to my brain injuries sustained in 1994.

The photo I do have and look at a lot is the one taken in Old Town a couple of years ago when my life long companion, and I were pretending to be tourists. It’s like a mini vacation for us. When you are poor working class, it’s the only vacation you are going to get. Just a couple of bucks worth of gas, two sandwiches and another three bucks for a couple of big sodas at Seven-Eleven, and we are set for our adventures. We visit our favorite stores, complain about everything being made in China, smooze with the clerks, look for new-to-us ceramic artists and ooh-ahh over the Native American handmade pots that we will be never be able to afford.

I am finally starting to learn to be grateful for what I have and not whine about what I don’t have. My companion is who I am grateful for the most. I have learned more from him than I learned on my own. The day I learned to be grateful was when he told me I was richer than King Louis the fourteenth, the Sun King. Now you must understand that I spent most of my youth in Europe. I have walked through the Louvre, and seen its treasures, I have been atop the Eiffel Tower in Paris, I have seen the real Mona Lisa. I have seen the tulip fields in Holland, and the miniature villages. I have been all over Spain and Germany. I have visited many castles, and stared at famous tapestries, paintings, sculptures, I’ve been around. So when I sat there, in what I consider squalor, and HE said I was richer than the Sun King of France, my immediate response was, “bullshit.”

So He proceeded to give me a list; indoor plumbing, clean hot and cold water on demand, a daily bath in warm clean water, soap, shampoo, deodorant, flush toilets, refrigeration, air conditioning, heat in winter, a two hundred dollar down comforter, a mattress off the floor, no rats, no mice, antibacterial soap, modern dental care, toothbrushes, toothpaste, fluoride, antibiotics, and that’s just for starters. So that very day, I became grateful for all the many modern miracles and gifts I have each and every day, and most of all I’m grateful for my Leo, my Lion King.

I think when we are looking for life mates, we are looking for someone who will love us in spite of our many shortcomings; B. O., morning breath, flatulence, and wrinkles. When you are twenty five and wrinkle free and everything is perky, and you can still hold up a tube top without artificial support, life is good to you. But after dueling life every day for fifty years or more, you realize that the odds are with the house, and you are not holding a winning hand.

Real love puts the money down not on the house, but with you. Knowing that inspires you to be your best, even if it means you can’t quite pack a pair of jeans like you did in high school, and you are not a Nobel Prize winner, you’re just a working slob barely making ends meet at the end of each pay period.

After my accident Leo used to say that I was like an orchid, that I was fragile and needed special care. He did his best to take care of me until I recovered enough to go back to school and back to work. I used to tell him that he was like a rose bush. Tough, thorny, and the more shit you piled on the stronger he would get. Recently Leo has changed his opinion about me. After seeing the obstacles I have overcome and how I just get stronger and tougher she has decided that we are both a couple of desert roses. Despite drought, pests, stupid gardeners, freezing temperatures, relentless sun, we are stronger than ever.

So what is love really? Love means saying you’re sorry and meaning it, making amends, and not doing it again. Love means respecting the one who loves you and being someone respectable. Just like the old Tammy Wynette song, “Stand by Your Man”, you have to stand by the special someone you love. Being tough enough to get through whatever life throws at you, and soft enough to be kind to each other is a primary requirement. The other main ingredient is to have a sense of humor, because sometimes that is the only thing you have going for you. We spend a lot of time laughing, at each other, ourselves and others. Getting too serious could kill you.

I have been looking at our portrait a lot lately, and wondering how I got so lucky. If you believe in destiny then it was meant to be. I believe in a cosmic committee of old women, who get their yayas by sending us off on a wild goose chase we call our lives. As I look backward at my life I can see where at each turn in the road their guidance lead me to where I am today. Sometimes gently and sometimes not so gently, and sometimes downright painful. But I’m grateful, very grateful to be where I am today. I can proudly say I’ve become a Desert Rose.


Me and Leo * 1993 to 2009
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Old 10-22-2011, 04:01 PM   #4
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Default Oh darn.

Was all set to post and the coffee shop is closing.....
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Old 01-19-2012, 08:20 PM   #5
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Default tick tock, knock knock

tick tock, knock knock
She's at your door, it's late n' dark
is there room inside your heart?
Not her clothes
shoes
or art,
just her love, inside your heart

tick tock, knock knock
walked away from all she knew
is there room inside your heart?
Not her dog
a coat
or hat
just her love, inside your heart

tick tock, knock knock
are you at home, the porch light's out
is there room inside your heart?
Not her cat
a bowl
or spoon
just her love, inside your heart

tick tock, knock knock
mute, mocking treasures in your care
is there room inside your heart?
Not her books
a cup
or purse
just her love, inside your heart

tick tock, knock knock
kissed your forehead n' she spied
is there room inside your heart?
Not her toothbrush
jacks
or ball
just her love, inside your heart

tick tock, knock knock
turning house to home
is there room inside your heart?
Not for diamonds
silver
gold
just her love, inside your heart

tick tock, knock knock
are you at home, it's so dark
who is there inside your heart?
not her love
her song
her dance
where is love, if not inside your heart?
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Old 03-08-2012, 04:27 PM   #6
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Default and then...

Day by day I die a little bit more
day by day, you bite a little bit more

between dusk and dawn I retreat some more
between dawn and dusk you push a bit hard

baby steps, baby steps, baby steps.
unlearning to walk, unlearning to stand.

losing my self, my voice, my mind.
losing gained ground, gained strength, gained pride.

wondering how to turn back the tide.
wondering why i'm in a back slide.

Slippery slopes, fall in a moat.
slipping your mind, sinking my boat.

death at my door, feather bound
death in my hands, burial ground.

change is at hand, chaos abounds
next time

i

will not

make

a

sound.
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Old 10-24-2012, 05:31 PM   #7
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Default Reality Check

Like most folks, I've had my share of reality checks, the only difference between us is probably how much they were written for.......
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Old 11-15-2012, 07:49 PM   #8
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Default Curls

I long to hear your voice again
telling me about your day
Laughing with you, teasing too
oh, my love, how I miss you.

Dark curls frame your smokey eyes
draw me close, I clench my thighs
my dreams seem real, no surprise
embrace me til next morning rise.
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Old 12-22-2012, 08:07 PM   #9
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Default

Flitting through my mind today
thinking bout' just what I'd say
if you walked up by my way
I heard a birdie, "not that way".

Humm, thought I,
what does she spy?
another train wreck?
another cry?

So I sat down beneath a tree,
feeling like I should breathe,
slowly, calmly, like a breeze,
to stop the shakin' in my knees.

As I watched the birds chit chat
I thought about if they like cats.
Then it hit me, just like that,
I can take another path.
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Old 01-03-2013, 09:56 AM   #10
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Default

It's the new year, read somewhere that it's the year of the snake according to the Chinese calendar. Rumor has it that whatever you are doing on new years eve, is what you will be doing for the next year. Boy is that a scary thought.

Guess that means that again I will be adrift in a sea of change. Was sorta liking being in one place, and now that has changed, with another reminder that I will be on the road again sooner than I had hoped.

It's all good. I really enjoy meeting new people, sharing tips for travel and ideas for better simpler living. The toughest part I think is that in leaving this time my expectations are much less about people and more about what I can expect from myself. Look at it this way, how can we expect things from others, when we can't reach the expectation for ourselves? Kinda silly don't ya think?

So back to the drawing board, throwing out the bath water sans baby, gonna close my eyes and spin three times and point to the map. That's where I'll be.
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Old 03-01-2013, 02:56 PM   #11
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Default Random thoughts today

Teetering lime on crystal edge
grains of salt, Cuervo's sting
stars fall to disappear
wondering wishing he was here.

Skipping stones on silent lakes
lighting fires ringed with smoke
burning loins swollen lips
wondering wishing he was here.

Pulling ropes of hemp so taut
scrubbing off his touch so light
raw tender scorching tears
wondering wishing he was here
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Old 06-24-2018, 07:43 PM   #12
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Default I

I do not adore you
because I only adore God,
I will be amazed
by your genuine true heart

I do not admire
your surface look,
I shall fall into
your loving inner soul

I do not amaze
all of your perfection,
just let me fond of
your pretty faithful soul

I am not interested
in all of your sweetness
I like sweetness as well
as bitterness of you
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I Live therefore I Love - I Love therefore I Live
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Old 02-17-2019, 07:26 PM   #13
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Default

There they were all handsome
and that smile,
that smile that burned like an eternal flame.

Twinkling eyes,
I could not get out of mine,
lips oh those lips.

Then I glimpsed those hands,
arms, shoulders.
Sigh.

And then I noticed words.
about Her
walk, hair, smell, eyes.

Words dripping with longing.
Dripping with adjectives.
Dripping.

My gentle rains will
Never never never
wash Her away.
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Old 02-17-2019, 08:45 PM   #14
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Default name calling

fille monstrueuse

Is what he calls me. He pulls me in close and I bite him clean in half. I feel no regret, no sorrow, no guilt. He rots alone in my garden as reparations for the innocence stolen.

gentille fille

Is what you call me. I give to you until I am happy with my sacrifice, I give more. I kiss you carefully and the world outside melts away. I’ve done no wrong and neither have you. We sing quietly, joyfully, to ourselves in the same garden.
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"at the moment I felt at the center of my own life, the dream still braided like sweetgrass in my memory"
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