Long Distance Relationships

[Hack]

Originally Posted by Ciaran

I've posted about this before on this site but the above type of arrangement would be my ideal relationship. I like intimacy with a partner and sharing our physical space - but I cannot do this 24/7. I need alone time and I need my own personal space too sometimes. Therefore, 24/7 would be very claustrophobic for me and, simply, I don't think it would work unless we at least had separate rooms in the same house in addition to shared space.


When I think back to the few 24/7 relationships I've had, I realise that I always had separate living arrangements in part. For example, when I moved in with my partner around 2001 or so, I kept my own condo and would sometimes spend the night there (it was closer to my office anyway).


The difficulty is that some / many people perceive the need for separate personal space as indicative of a lack of commitment - whereas, from my perspective, it's nothing of the sort. Rather, it's to preserve my sanity and actually strengthen the relationship.

I think alone time is healthy. For as madly and passionately that I am in love with my girlfriend, I can see in the future, when we are sharing a living space full-time, we will need our time to ourselves. I always insist on my partner having "girl time" with her friends because it is very important that your friendships don't wither. Ever. The great thing about my relationship is that we have a lot of interests in common (books, music, museums, art, travel) and just enough things we don't share that we can maintain separate interests and have that alone time without the other being threatened by it.

[lusciouskiwi]

Originally Posted by Ciaran

I've posted about this before on this site but the above type of arrangement would be my ideal relationship. I like intimacy with a partner and sharing our physical space - but I cannot do this 24/7. I need alone time and I need my own personal space too sometimes. Therefore, 24/7 would be very claustrophobic for me and, simply, I don't think it would work unless we at least had separate rooms in the same house in addition to shared space.


When I think back to the few 24/7 relationships I've had, I realise that I always had separate living arrangements in part. For example, when I moved in with my partner around 2001 or so, I kept my own condo and would sometimes spend the night there (it was closer to my office anyway).


The difficulty is that some / many people perceive the need for separate personal space as indicative of a lack of commitment - whereas, from my perspective, it's nothing of the sort. Rather, it's to preserve my sanity and actually strengthen the relationship.

An ex and I had our own bedrooms but spent most of our time in hers - until she stopped being intimate with me and it was too painful to continue to sleep with her.

Having said that, I've always fancied having a house like this (Wellington, New Zealand - this type tends to be much longer than it is wider) where we could have plenty of separate space as well as lovely mad love shared space.

[MasterfulButch]

Such a spectrum of human emotion.

Spoiler: These guys have since moved in together in Chicago

[JDeere]

Great communication is a very good thing in LDR's. That was about the only thing that kept my relationships afloat.

[kittygrrl]

Originally Posted by JDeere

Great communication is a very good thing in LDR's. That was about the only thing that kept my relationships afloat.

True, but I think it often times is a problem whether 2,000 miles away or 2 feet away..if you don't speak the same language it's hard to make it work, both of you must build a bridge and create your own special language unique to the two of you..

[JDeere]

Originally Posted by kittygrrl

True, but I think it often times is a problem whether 2,000 miles away or 2 feet away..if you don't speak the same language it's hard to make it work, both of you must build a bridge and create your own special language unique to the two of you..

I agree as well, it's not a bad thing to have your own language as a couple!

[MasterfulButch]

Driving home tonight, I found myself thinking about long distance relationships and likening them to the experience of going to see a movie. When watching a film, your sight and hearing is the only connection you have to the story being told but if the movie’s good enough, those two are enough to have a profound effect on you. That movie can make you laugh, cry, grip the seat in terror or send you away to think about it for days or more. Almost all of us will have experienced this first hand and it just goes to show how much is in the mind. Of course, adding in one or more of the other senses will massively enhance the experience but my point is that they’re not a pre-requisite to having the experience in the first place.

Perhaps I’m just riling against the perception that a LDR is somehow less than; less meaningful or genuine or likely to last. I cannot agree with this myself and so I thought I’d post my perspective as a bit of an antidote for anyone who is considering a LDR and wondering if they’re crazy. The one big qualifier I’d flag here is that the whole thing hinges on the compatibility between you, your communication skills and what you’re each looking for. From here I’m making the assumption that you’re compatible, communicative beings and looking for something beyond the superficial and/or physically-centred.

A LDR forces you to do the one thing that will build the most solid foundation for any relationship: talk. Talking is all you have, for now at least. All this talking gives you the opportunity to really get to know one another. You have to go beyond their taste in music, what they had for breakfast or their plans for the weekend. You may be able to get away with this level of chat in real-time early stage dating but LDRs necessitate a greater intimacy from the start. The whole focus is on really getting to know the other person. Once you start talking, and I mean really talking, you begin to find out about their values, ambitions, belief-systems and ultimately, how they’ve come to be the person who is talking to you today. It’s not a quick process but if you really like the other person it feels like each new discovery is a gift and the time you spend here is not onerous but something you reflect on with true appreciation.

Although you may still be physical strangers, all this talking builds an inevitable intimacy. You know things about one another that even those around you may not be aware of. You’ve been able to build your understanding of the other person through their self-description so you’re uniquely positioned to see through their eyes. You’re both sharing the experience of discovering this blossoming connection and unlike real-time dating, you’re predisposed to talk about it which deepens the bond. To cement all of this, there’s the understanding that either of you could have chosen a simpler path, could have opted to date a local person but instead you’re here, reading your email at three in the morning despite the back-to-back meetings starting in just a few hours. You read it because it’s from her and because nothing makes you happier than seeing her name in your inbox and feeling the subsequent caress of her words.

So this brings me to the crux of it all: You don’t enter into a LDR with just anybody. If you’re looking for fun or companionship or hot sex then you’re bound to be able to find that relatively locally. A LDR is for a connection that goes above and beyond. It’s the person who intrigues you, challenges you, makes you laugh and leaves you pondering. It’s the person who can cut through the external that everyone else around you sees and instead goes straight to the authentic you. She’ll keep you awake at night, as you imagine what it would feel like to have her in your arms, inspiring you with questions borne of true curiosity and challenging you to find inventive ways to communicate your growing feelings whilst touch is not an option. She’s the person who, with just a few words, can make you feel like a lottery winner, or a rock star or an Olympic champion. She’s the person who makes you realise that it doesn’t matter a jot that you aren’t any of the above because she thinks you’re great, just as you are.

Nobody could persuade me that all of this is somehow less than. I know a LDR isn’t for everyone and I totally respect that but if you think it could be right for you then don’t be too quick to discount it. There are so many gifts here; the intimacy, the honesty, the intensity... With each day that passes the foundation is strengthened and although nobody knows what the future holds, these LDR roots could be the basis for a wondrous, long-term connection beyond anything you dared hope for. If this is the case then you should believe, without a doubt, that a life that’s able to bestow that is equally capable of delivering the means for you to convert your LDR into a real-time, shared life.

[homoe]

I applaud those who can do and have had success with LDR!

For me however, I’m looking for someone to spend quality time with and do things with in person. Those familiar with the Five Languages of Love will understand what I mean. Enjoying a movie, going to see a play, shop, dinner or cooking together are ways that I prefer to get to know someone. One on one interaction, in person, as opposed to skyping, emailing, texting, or phone chatting. Once one either hangs up or logs off, there one sits alone.

[MysticOceansFL]

I think long distance relationships are better because you still have your space and yet still have great communication to whom your involved with as friends as trying to find out what makes them tick but to me when your in a ldr its real as far as online goes but you fall in love with someones personality and character instead of how someone looks that's why I think it's more genuine.

[starryeyes]

I have had two very short LDRs in my past, and they have never worked out. But now that I am older, I think I would be more willing to try. Initially I wasn't digging it because I like to be with the person I am with, hang out, get to know their personal surroundings and such. But now that I am getting older, I can see the benefit of really getting to know each other on a deep, intimate level. I wouldn't want to have a LDR for a long period of time, I would need to see a light at the end of the tunnel, and that always gets sticky with details of how, when, etc. I personally have never relocated to be with anyone before, and I think if it ever came to that, it would be a hard decision to leave San Diego. I don't even know if I would do it, honestly.

But anyways... good luck to all the people in LDRs!! May you find happiness

[imperfect_cupcake]

I've been in several long distance relationships. When I first came out and knew I was femme, I was on vancouver island, and there wasn't very many butches or genderqueer there at that point. I met people through computer dating and my first butch partner was in NYC. It lasted four years. It only worked because I was in school and she was quite wealthy - I had time to be able to fly to her for longer periods of time, and she had the money to get me there.
Then when that one ended, I saw someone for two years in Boston. Same situation.
Then Texas for about 8 months, then Oakland for four months, then Manchester for two and a half years, I moved to the UK for a job offer and because I was in love though I moved to a different city.

Long distance in the UK was only about a three hour train ride. That never bothered me. Long distance in North America often means a plane ride and crossing borders for me. That's an entirely different thing to deal with.

I am actually pretty ok with shorter long distance. Like I would be happy to date someone who lived in seattle who had time to travel up to see me - I can't go there as the kind of school I'm in now is so intensified, I just don't have the time, nor the money.

When I do graduate, I will only be working three days a week with a good wage. I'd be happy to do long weekends in Seattle semi regularly.

However, I really, really doubt I would move to the U.S. I don't like how religious it is and I don't like the gun thing. Plus there are a few other things like health care that make me extremely anxious about living in the states ever again.

I do not wish to live with a partner, though. Happy to live in the same building but different floor. I'm most certainly not going to move into someone's house in the country. Or the burbs. That would find that depressing and isolating for me. I'm not that girl.

I'm perfectly happy us keeping our own space. Me in the city in a small apartment and my cat, them where they prefer to be with their three dogs and strange ideas about decorating. I'm also never going to be doing the house work. I'm not that girl either. Happy to be a cook for a weekend, if they do the dishes, and do some mending if they don't know how, but I'd rather spend time together talking, going out to museums, films, lectures, a pub whatever than spend time re-organizing a closet or vacuuming, while they tinker at something else and you have dinner together and watch some tv while chatting and surfing the net. I know that is some peoples domestic bliss, and more power to you, but I've done it and I can't stand it.

Eventually I would prefer living in the same city. I've never had a long distance thing last longer than four years. I also don't want something where if we have an arguement or something happens, we can manage to get to see each other in a matter of a couple hours transit and one that doesn't involve relying on a plane. Hoping into a car and being able to see me on a whim in three hours or less is rather do able. Having to drive for seven, not so much. For me, it's not really doable. I've done cross border with cross continent for years at a time and it's heartbreaking for me. Especially when something goes wrong and one of you needs the other person. I've done it through the death of someones parent and the death of someone's sibling and it really fucking awful. It's no way, for me, to have a permenant relationship.

If they lived two or three hours away, sure. I could do that. Five hours away? Seven hours away? No. I don't think I could. Not any more. Not unless not only did I have lots of long weekends off, but they could work from home and we were both wealthy enough to afford plane tickets booked on the same day.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by homoe

I applaud those who can do and have had success with LDR!

For me however, I’m looking for someone to spend quality time with and do things with in person. Those familiar with the Five Languages of Love will understand what I mean. Enjoying a movie, going to see a play, shop, dinner or cooking together are ways that I prefer to get to know someone. One on one interaction, in person, as opposed to skyping, emailing, texting, or phone chatting. Once one either hangs up or logs off, there one sits alone.

It's interesting you bring this up. Mine is Acts of Service, which means I value someone actually helping me, rather than writing me a love letter. I do love talking, though so Skype calls are great, I do that even when people only live 45 minutes away, but that is not words of affirmation (one of the five languages). I love a good natter! Words of affirmation, aside from "you look hawt!!" Are nothing I need. I rarely need to hear I love you. I can tell quite easily that someone does by the way they behave. And if I can't tell by the way they behave, someone saying "I love you" is pretty worthless to me.

But if quality time *together* (in person) is you number one, I can totally see it. Quality time together for me came in the middle. I need it, probably more than is available in super long distance - but I prefer to have it less, with a different value behind it (for example, not sitting in the same room doing separate things, some people love just having body company. My flat mates fill that for me, plus I can belch, eat crisps, wear a mumu, and scratch my arse in ways I can't if I'm with a partner. I need my "slob time"). Even if I'm dating someone in the same city I can go a week or two without seeing them quite easily as long as we have great chats on skype or the phone. But I wouldn't like it to be longer than that. I'm not a fan of seeing someone once a month. That would bother me. If it's someone I really, really like... Every other week for a long weekend of complete involvement would be my minimum.

But I think you are totally right with the five languages thing. I think there is something to that.