Can You Really Be Friends With An Ex?

[Cuddles]

I know the answer depends on a few factors but here's what I find myself facing right now:

An ex that I haven't dated in two years is back in contact with me. Not because she wants to be with me but because she needs a friend and says I was the only person she ever felt really cared about her.

I'm not in love with her anymore, heck weeks can go by before I even think about her. However, I have a fatal flaw in relationships... I love to save a damsel in distress, and that includes being the supporter when they're hurting.

I'm not saying anything will happen but I'm concerned more about myself in this situation. It wasn't a great relationship and I was the one hurt in the end... I don't want to even allow the chance for old feelings to come back.

Is it possible to really be a friend to her or is this one I should back off from?

[~ocean]

i personaly feel if u loved someone the love never leaves u, it just takes a diff place in ur heart ! enjoy her as she was meant to be inyour life . for a reason only u will know.

[Gráinne]

I think you should listen to your gut about this. Why are you her only friend, or the "only one who cared for her"? I'd tread very carefully, if you know you might get sucked back into a bad situation.

Look at it this way: if you haven't seen her in two years, how much of a friend has she been to you?

[WomenMoveMe]

Gosh, you will certainly get vast disparity in the replies to your question.

In my case, the answer is 'yes'. Although, having had only one ex (my last partner died while we were still together, and therefore does not factor here), makes it an easy answer for me.

We are not best friends by any means, but we talk a few times a year, exchange holiday cards, and chat while playing Words with Friends daily on Facebook.

For me, it comes down to the fact that at one time I loved her enough to have wanted to spend my life with her. It is clear, as we are no longer together. There were reasons that was not to be. However, our parting of intimate ways in no way rules out that I very much liked her at one point. I still do. It is simply as the years passed, we did not grow together, but rather moved slowly apart.

So yes, it is possible, at least for me. But then, there was not another party involved, we did not lie to one another, we were not abusive to one another, we did not come to resent one another, We suffered no unspoken, but not forgotten, hurts or angst that reared their ugly heads causing our relationship to come tumbling down upon us.

With only one ex to reference, I say it again, yes, it is possible.

[The_Lady_Snow]

"I love to save a damsel in distress"

When that sentence STOPS being part of how you enable people is when true long standing relationships that have clear and healthy boundaries will flourish!!

I'm friends with exes because of those clear healthy boundaries.



No one likes blurry lines...

[Cuddles]

The more replies I read and the more I take them into consideration the more I lean towards one decision over the other.

I agree with The_Lady_Snow that boundaries are probably something I lacked in this past relationship.

I think a part of the reason I wanted to talk to her again when she reached out was that I am in a lonely place right now, relationship-wise. But that doesn't erase the past and it's something I don't wish to ever repeat.

I've only ever been in two serious relationships and the first one we've not spoken in many years. That was her wish because she told me it was all or nothing and being so young and inexperienced I was not ready to commit.

I want to believe, and I know it's true for many, that you can be friends with an ex... but I don't think it's true for all ex's. Sigh...

[PaPa]

Recognizing your motivations for a friendship and hers helps a lot. Make sure you are very self-aware of your space at all times. I do believe it is possible to be friends with exes, but as Snow said the boundaries must be in place. I hope things work out whichever way you decide.

[The_Lady_Snow]

She/the ex, probably knows you're gonna cave in cause you're a lil vulnerable (you being lonely)..

Just becareful and stay strong Cuddles!!!

I think it's possible to be friends with exes when you don't want to 'save' them. That would bring up a huge red light and clanging of bells for me.

I would also ask why are you the only person she can turn to after two years. Has she not got friends of her own; has she not built a life for herself? If not, why not?

You say it wasn't a great relationship for you. Why let her back and bring up what will probably not be great memories for you? Just take some time to consider why she would say that you were the only person who cared for her? Maybe she knows the buttons she needs to press? Just a thought.

Can I remind you that you/we cannot save anyone, they can only do that themselves by actively engaging in whatever problem they have and being proactive on their own behalf.

You will do what you want to do but my counsel would be, tread carefully.

[T4Texas]

Yes it's true you can be friends with an ex. But it depends a lot on the nature of the relationship you had with them. I am friends with mine and even with their new significant others, but it's only because my head is in the right place for it now, and that wasn't always so. As for you, setting boundaries would be wise because it sounds like you are ripe to get sucked in again.
It's too bad people can't appreciate you so much when they are with you, but have to end the relationships to really understand how supportive, kind or understanding you might have been.

[Cuddles]

Originally Posted by T4Texas

It's too bad people can't appreciate you so much when they are with you, but have to end the relationships to really understand how supportive, kind or understanding you might have been.

Story of my life, even with friends lol


Thank you all. You've given me a lot to consider. I'm supposed to talk to her in an hour. I'm thinking pretty clearly right now so I won't be going in blind. It may not turn out to be much of anything but I know her pretty well and if she's not changed then I have reason to tread carefully.

Thanks again.

[julieisafemme]

Originally Posted by guihong

I think you should listen to your gut about this. Why are you her only friend, or the "only one who cared for her"? I'd tread very carefully, if you know you might get sucked back into a bad situation.

Look at it this way: if you haven't seen her in two years, how much of a friend has she been to you?

You totally hit the nail on the head with this one! If an ex can be a nurturing, caring friend to you then I think that is great. If an ex pops back in to your life because they are bored or lonely or needy then maybe that is not the best friendship for you. What does she have to bring to the relationship? How can being in contact with her enrich your life, beyond satisfying the need to care for someone and be needed? Be selfish and take care of yourself first!

[princessbelle]

Yes yes and more yesess to the whole boundary idea. Don't just run out the door and greet her and rescue her and have your heart ripped to shreds. Make a deal with YOURSELF. Make your boundaries and stick to them.

If it starts getting too much and those old feelings start to come up for air, step back. You can always be a friend without getting in too deep. It is your boundary that identifies how far you are willing to let her in...not her decision. That one is yours all by yourself. Don't let her set those standards of your heart. You are in control.

I have exes i would still give a kidney to if they needed it, and truthfully, i would most likely come to any of their aids if they really were in need. But, i know my limits and am not quite the naive person i once was.

Just go in with your eyes wide open and make sure you protect you.

Good luck!!!!!!

[*Anya*]

For me, it depends on the circumstance of the end of the relationship.

My 1st GF and I realized we were better as friends than lovers and were able to go back to being very good friends. We had dinner together with our new partners, shared holidays, etc.

My most recent ex- no. It was a painful breakup and I did try to develop a friend relationship with her but just could not do it. It was just too difficult for me.

Different circumstance, different outcome.

[aishah]

it depends. i'm friends with almost all of my exes and i think it's totally possible - i'm still extremely close (friendship-wise only) with two of them. but in this particular case i'd find it troubling that she wants to start out a friendship based off of her needing you...that doesn't seem like a healthy dynamic. not that friends shouldn't help each other but it seems odd that she's coming to you like this when you don't already have a friendship established. i second the need for boundaries.

[Cuddles]

The basis for reconnecting is due to the fact that she told me she finally took the advice I'd given her two years prior about a drastic change needed in her life. She's not had an easy life at all and I do feel bad for her in that regard.

However it's not a situation I want to get back into. I agreed to talk with her to give her a chance to vent a little and seek some friendly advice.

If I get the slightest hint that she's seeking more than advice, I'll be sure to stop the conversation and remind her of the boundaries.

I may be lonely, but I'm not self-loathing, nor am I THAT desperate. Sometimes I think I'd have an easier time in life if I was more hard up on my emotions... but if that were the case I wouldn't be so darn cuddly lol.

[Sassy]

Originally Posted by guihong

...if you haven't seen her in two years, how much of a friend has she been to you?

^^^^^

What they said.

[Luv]

Depends on the ex..I only have one Id give a kidney to, or give my last dollar to..the rest,,nope

[Hack]

I also think it depends on how things ended and why. I am on speaking terms with most of my exes. Just because you are no longer in love with someone doesn't mean you no longer care about them. That said, boundaries are a good idea, as well as having enough time for the both of you to heal. It took me a while after my last serious romance to be able to speak to her again, and she pretty much wanted the every-day contact to continue after the break-up. I told her I couldn't do that and I needed time. Now we can occasionally speak to each other and there are no hard feelings or bitterness. I think that has to be a boundary, or at the minimum a ground rule, for both sides to get to a place where friendship is possible.

[TimilDeeps]

Originally Posted by Luv

Depends on the ex..I only have one Id give a kidney to, or give my last dollar to..the rest,,nope

same here