Friendship Survey

[Ginger]

Yotlyolqualli wrote:

5) How would you respond, if you realized a friend had a substance abuse problem?
I would strongly encourage them to not indulge. Preaching though, gets you and them no where. I would suggest clean and sober friendly activites instead of high risk ones. IE: I wouldn't suggest bar hopping to a friend who is an alcoholic.

6) How would you respond, if your friend were in an abusive relationship?
I think I would be more aggressive in this case, than in the one I just answered. I've not only seen the statistics, but I worked in an abuse shelter for women and their children. It takes, on average, at least 3 times of "leaving" the abuser, before the abused can stay away from them. Sadly, a lot are dead before they can leave that third time. I would offer support, a place to stay, even a place where she/he can come just to step away from it for a few hours every day.

*************

I didn't know, it takes three times on average to leave an abuser, but that sounds right... your point about having a place to go to for just a few hours at a time is really smart, I hadn't thought of that but I can see how it's a good strategy for helping someone.

And ha! The kitchen sink!

[Ginger]

Sparkle wrote:

Just two random thoughts about friendships...

I often think about how long term friendships are a lot like the tides - I think we grow closer and further apart in turn over the course of our lives influenced by any number of internal and external factors. I think it is healthy to acknowledge that and to be kind to ourselves and with our friends during those further away times.

And another thing that I find fascinating and miraculous is that there are some friendships that have this magical intangible connection that is real and close and exists all on its own, no matter the distance nor amount of time between seeing each other.

***************

I know what you mean about that connection that stays constant when distance and time fluctuate. I don't know what it is, that makes that happen. Maybe just core values? Very accepting personalities, so changes aren't a problem? I don't know.

***************

Sparkle wrote:

Yes, I am friends with most of my former partners with varying degrees of closeness. My philosophy is that friendship should be the foundation upon which any romantic partnership is built, and if that was the case then there is often the potential to salvage and rebuild a friendship (down the line).

***************

I feel EXACTLY the same way and tried to say it but you say it much better.


Scout

[Ginger]

Mr. Nice Guy wrote:

1) What are your thoughts on butch/femme friendships?
I've never been able to be a friend with a Femme. Trust me I've tried but it doesn't work. Either their partner gets jealous or feelings pop up. Which makes for uncomfortable situations and I'm not a home wrecker.

********************

That is so interesting, Mr. Nice Guy. You're the first person who said that, but usually when one person says something, it's true for others who don't speak out.

When you say, "feelings pop up," if you're friends with a femme, it made me wonder if you're talking about your feelings, her feelings, or both.

I have found that some very good friendships start with crushes that die a natural death when one side doesn't return the energy. But that's just in my experience.



Scout

[Novelafemme]

Part 1 of 5: Logistic availability

1) How often do you see your friends in person? I see my best friend almost daily since we work together.

2) How often do you talk on the phone, email, skype, etc. a friend? I am so not a phone person. I do my best to reply to texts and phone calls.

3) Is childcare a consideration, when you’re making plans with a friend? Nope.

4) Are finances a consideration? Not usually.

5) Is accessibility or health a consideration? No.

6) Is your work or class schedule a consideration? Oh yes. During the semester I will generally be invisible until the weekend and even then it's hard to pin me down socially. I try to meet friends for lunch dates during my work day if I can.

7) Does last-minute planning figure into your friendships, either out of necessity or just because that’s the way you prefer it? I am totally a spur of the moment girl. I love a last minute date!


Part 2 of 5: Boundaries, expectations and values

1) What are your thoughts on butch/femme friendships? The same as my other friendships. My best friend is a guy and we've never had a problem.


2) If your partner didn’t like someone, would you still be friends with that person? It would depend on why. I generally see people through rose colored glasses so sometimes it takes a more discerning eye. She is very loving and non-judgemental so unless the person was crossing some serious boundaries, she trusts my choices completely. If she felt strongly about a friendship I would of course put her before any other relationship.


3) Describe a time someone cut you off as a friend. Unfortunately, it has happened twice in my life, but both times were very necessary and mutually agreed upon. I don't regret our decision and wish them nothing but happiness.

4) Describe a time you cut someone off as a friend. See above. People often want to put me into the friendship choke-hold and that just doesn't work for me.

5) How would you respond, if you realized a friend had a substance abuse problem? I only experienced this a few years ago and it was truly a trying experience. I was socializing with people 5-8 years my junior and they were hard core partiers. Thankfully, I only stuck around for 3-4 months before wising up and making a break for it. If it were a dear friend I would be supportive but realistic. You can't fix someone's broken but you can encourage the necessary repairs.

6) How would you respond, if your friend were in an abusive relationship? Get the hell out. Life is way too short.

7) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (partnered) friend, what would you do? Has never happened and never will.

8) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (single) friend, what would you do? Crushes are one thing. We all have them and 99% of the time they aren't at all sexual. Again, it wouldn't happen.

9) If your friend had what you considered an annoying, albeit harmless habit, would you tell her? Probably not. I'm not easily bothered by the little things.

10) Describe a time that you “outgrew” a friend, if applicable. I've outgrown many of the friendships I made when my girls were babies. Mommy friends are a fabulous support when kiddos are little, but I've found we all somehow end up going our separate ways as the kids get older. Although I do have one mom group I've been a part of for 11 years now.

11) How many years have you known your oldest friend? How have you managed to stay friends, over time? 22 years. And when we get together it's like we are 17 again. I love her to pieces.

12) Do you have any friends who are exes? What’s your philosophy about that? I have less than a handful of exes so I don't have a lot of experience with this, but I am friends with only one. It's taken time, patience and commitment on both our parts, but he is one of my nearest and dearest. We were very close before we became romantically involved. The others I have come to accept that I will never be friends with. And I am very ok with that!

13) How do you feel about “friends with benefits”? Never tried it. Sounds messy.

14) How do your expectations of a friend differ from your expectations of a romantic partner? They differ in that I don't have many expectations of my friends other than that they be good, honest people with no ill intentions. With my partner I expect a whole different level of commitment, emotional and physical fidelity, and trust. Apples and oranges in my book.

15) Describe a time when you really came through for a friend. My bestie has been going through a really rough time lately. Just last night I was up late talking on the phone and texting with him so he could make the drive home feeling less anxious and upset. He's worth it. 150%

16) Describe a time a friend really came through for you. My wedding day. I had a make up crisis and my dear friend ran to the store for all sorts of make up requests just a half hour before the nuptials. Then she put it all on me. I was so grateful to her!

17) What are a few deal breakers that would stop you being friends with someone? Remember that choke-hold I mentioned earlier? Ya, that! And being judgmental.

18) What are the kinds of characters flaws you can overlook in a friend? Bossy, gassy, thumb sucker. Really...I'm not demanding!


Part 3 of 5: How important is it to you that:

1) …your friend’s age is fairly close to yours? -

2) …your friend’s educational level is similar to yours? -

3) …your friend’s economic situation is similar to yours? -

4) …your friend’s religious beliefs are similar to yours? -

5) …your friend’s class background is similar to yours? -

6) …your friend’s gender identity or sexual preference is similar to yours? -

7) …your small or adult children like your friends? slightly

8) …your friends like to include your children, when you hang out together? i might have a problem if my kids were purposefully not included.


Part 4 of 5: Which of the following shared activities with a friend appeal to you?

1) Attending singles events and supporting each other as you scan the environment for someone to flirt with, etc. Like a bar? This does not sound like fun to me at all.

2) Exercising; outdoors or indoors YES!

3) Watching movies or videos; at home or in a theater meh...

4) Playing video or electronic games; at home or somewhere else ish.

5) Attending sports events or watching sports on TV meh...

6) Participating in team sports sure!

7) Attending cultural events (museums, concerts, readings, etc.) hell's ya!

8) Shopping yep!

9) Cooking, or eating in restaurants yes, please!


10) Visiting wildlife centers, going to a county fair, hanging out to watch the dog run in an urban area, bird watching—anything that involves animals sure!

11) Other floating in the pool, listening to music and chatting the afternoon away.


Part 5 of 5: What important things has this survey left out? -



BONUS QUESTION: In your opinion, has the fact that this survey was created by a femme, affected it in any way? the thought never crossed my mind I am a sucker for a good survey!!

[Ginger]

Novalefemme wrote:

16) Describe a time a friend really came through for you.

My wedding day. I had a make up crisis and my dear friend ran to the store for all sorts of make up requests just a half hour before the nuptials. Then she put it all on me. I was so grateful to her!


*****************

This made me gasp. What a great friend, keeping a cool head in a crisis! Cool concise remarks throughout the survey and fun to read! And PS, your avatar pic is really glamorous, kinda Mad Men. Have a great weekend,

Scout

[clay]

FONT="Arial Black"][SIZE="2"]Friendship Survey



Part 1 of 5: Logistic availability

1) How often do you see your friends in person
Visits vary...as most all of mine live quite a distance away...as in like few hrs. away or in another state!
2) How often do you talk on the phone, email, skype, etc. a friend?
Very often..almost daily with some, weekly with others..and maybe monthly with others...
3) Is childcare a consideration, when you’re making plans with a friend?
At our ages...smiles...none of us have that to worry about...there ARE perks to being "golden"....grinz...however, we most of us own a pet or two, or three...soooo finding quality, reliable pet sitters is sometimes a consideration, too!

4) Are finances a consideration?
Sometimes but isn't a huge deterrent....as each is considerate of the other's situations...smiles..

5) Is accessibility or health a consideration?
Of course......is just the right thing to do...as with myself, I have limited mobility, can't do stairs at all, and I am extrememly considerate of others with any sort of mobility issue, and of course, one's health is a factor....sooooo...yes.
6) Is your work or class schedule a consideration?
Absolutely not...as I am now totally disabled (medically retired)...so am "ready to go at a moment's notice...grin
7) Does last-minute planning figure into your friendships, either out of necessity or just because that’s the way you prefer it?
see answer above to #6

Part 2 of 5: Boundaries, expectations and values

1) What are your thoughts on butch/femme friendships?
Twofold...in that I don't have friends based on gender ID....friends are friends based on how our souls and hearts fit one another. Secondly, I have many friends of all spectrums on the rainbow scale....I simply heart them all!!!
2) If your partner didn’t like someone, would you still be friends with that person?
Generally speaking, absolutely. Factors to determine otherwise would be the reason she didn't like them in the first place. Not everyone will always like everyone else......
3) Describe a time someone cut you off as a friend.
Years ago, someone was in an abusive (physical & mental) relationship...was always calling me up to vent, seek advice, etc...and then....decided to stay in that relationship, and cut our ties all together....
4) Describe a time you cut someone off as a friend.
For me to do so takes a lot, and I mean a lot, of personal convictions. The last time I did this was hugely in part due to a lack of communication, first on her part, then a huge misunderstanding on both our parts. When someone doesn't communicate with me...then to me, it deems a lack of willingness on their part to communicate and work out whatever issues there may have been going on. Telling me you want the friendship to work and stay intact, yet not communicating...is difficult at best! In my heart of hearts, I deeply regret losing that beautful soul....and I miss her terribly! I will shoulder most of the blame!
5) How would you respond, if you realized a friend had a substance abuse problem?
That is a very difficult path to walk. Half the battle is for someone to admit they have a problem, then WANT to change their behavior. Otherwise, I have to leave that be...as I don't interfere unless my advice is sought. I will not be around those behaviors...at all...
6) How would you respond, if your friend were in an abusive relationship?
see answer to #5
7) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (partnered) friend, what would you do?
Moral compass is extremely important to me. Crushes and "likes" are all a part of our human makeup...and are harmless in most cases. I would never cross those boundaries...as I am a firm believer in honoring boundaries with partnered folks.
8) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (single) friend, what would you do?
Since this could be ambiguous as it isn't stated if I was partnered, or single... I will respond on both counts. Partnered: see above. Single...if mutual, then would be an avenue to explore...as both would be single.
9) If your friend had what you considered an annoying, albeit harmless habit, would you tell her?
That would all depend on what the habit was...tact & couth being relevant!
10) Describe a time that you “outgrew” a friend, if applicable.
non applicable
11) How many years have you known your oldest friend?
One friend for 43 years, a second one for 45 years. I STILL am very close with both.
How have you managed to stay friends, over time?
Our hearts grew into one another's. Both are very, very special to me, and will always be. One lives in Guam, and the other in my state... Talk with both often, email, and text one in states often.
12) Do you have any friends who are exes?
Yes, I do, in fact.
What’s your philosophy about that?
My thoughts are that a friendship base existed before becoming lovers, then parting ways, so I would hope that remained the case. I know circumstances prevent that sometimes, but I believe we should try to maintain those if at all possible. There are exceptions to all cases however!
13) How do you feel about “friends with benefits”?
That was a mutually satisfying relationship to me. I only share these when single, and with select few. So long as both are consenting adults, and are mutually single, it can be very rewarding. Of course, my heart is always involved....on some level. I won't do "casual, stranger" sex...
14) How do your expectations of a friend differ from your expectations of a romantic partner?
To be quite blunt...I don't believe in fucking my friends!
15) Describe a time when you really came through for a friend.
I bought someone a car several years ago...
16) Describe a time a friend really came through for you.
During a very scary point in my life, that friend gave up 6 weeks of her life to be by my side, even moving me during that time frame. THAT is a real friend!!! I still miss her!!!
17) What are a few deal breakers that would stop you being friends with someone?
Funny you should ask this one. IF I believe deeply within my soul and heart, that a friend is not making a wise decision, I will discuss it with her/hym, and should they choose to end the friendship over it...well....there is not much else I can do. Drugs and alcohol abuse...liars, thieves, and unscrupulous behavior towards my relationship are top of the list for me.

18) What are the kinds of characters flaws you can overlook in a friend?
[B][COLOR="Blue"]Almost anything petty, insignificant, or unconsequential would be among things I can overlook, deal with....BUT see #17 above for reasons of exclusion.

Part 3 of 5: How important is it to you that:

1) …your friend’s age is fairly close to yours?

2) …your friend’s educational level is similar to yours?

3) …your friend’s economic situation is similar to yours?

4) …your friend’s religious beliefs are similar to yours?

5) …your friend’s class background is similar to yours?

6) …your friend’s gender identity or sexual preference is similar to yours?

7) …your small or adult children like your friends?

8) …your friends like to include your children, when you hang out together?

Most of these are non essential. If they were to have kids, then when it is not an "adult only" event, those kids are welcomed with open arms...and would be expected to behave accordingly appropriate in any venue we are in.
Part 4 of 5: Which of the following shared activities with a friend appeal to you?

1) Attending singles events and supporting each other as you scan the environment for someone to flirt with, etc.
low on list

2) Exercising; outdoors or indoors
not
3) Watching movies or videos; at home or in a theater
Muchly enjoyed and appreciated to be doing!
4) Playing video or electronic games; at home or somewhere else
no thanks!
5) Attending sports events or watching sports on TV
Enjoy some sporting events...so would be enjoyable.
6) Participating in team sports
Oh good...golf cart OR electric scooter races....whoohoooo YES!!
7) Attending cultural events (museums, concerts, readings, etc.)

8) Shopping
Yes, please!
9) Cooking, or eating in restaurants
One of my most guilty pleasures!
10) Visiting wildlife centers, going to a county fair, hanging out to watch the dog run in an urban area, bird watching—anything that involves animals
Fun! Fun!
11) Other


Part 5 of 5: What important things has this survey left out?
When will we all get to meet you, Ms. Island Scout?!



BONUS QUESTION: In your opinion, has the fact that this survey was created by a femme, affected it in any way?

Absolutely not!!! I don't view gender in areas such as these surveys!

[gaea]

Part 1 of 5: Logistic availability

1) How often do you see your friends in person?
As often as i can

2) How often do you talk on the phone, email, skype, etc. a friend?
as often as possible
3) Is childcare a consideration, when you’re making plans with a friend?
nope if the kid cant go we shouldn't be making those plans
4) Are finances a consideration?
no, there are all kinds of things to do in life that do not require money
5) Is accessibility or health a consideration?
sometimes, i have a friend here with celiac disease so we have to watch her diet
6) Is your work or class schedule a consideration?
yes
7) Does last-minute planning figure into your friendships, either out of necessity or just because that’s the way you prefer it?
plan ahead or last minute its all good

Part 2 of 5: Boundaries, expectations and values

1) What are your thoughts on butch/femme friendships?
i think they can work, the hard part is often times my butch freindsh will get in relationships and then i wont see or hear from them for awhile, its ok though because i know they are still there and they know i value my friendships
2) If your partner didn’t like someone, would you still be friends with that person?
yes because my partner (if i had one)) would be the kind that understood they do not get to dictate whom my friends are or are not, this is up to me and me only, i would show my partner same respect
3) Describe a time someone cut you off as a friend.
when my friend had a psychotic episode she cut me off and out of her life...i really didn't understand it, she didn't want me to see her go through that.
4) Describe a time you cut someone off as a friend.
when i learned i was only being used for what i could do "for them"
5) How would you respond, if you realized a friend had a substance abuse problem?
I would distance my self
6) How would you respond, if your friend were in an abusive relationship?
tell hym/her get out and if they couldnt just be there for them be a support person
7) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (partnered) friend, what would you do?
walk away....this would not be healthy for either it crosses too many bioundaries
8) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (single) friend, what would you do?
knowing me...i would keep my mouth shut no matter how interested i am

9) If your friend had what you considered an annoying, albeit harmless habit, would you tell her?
yes

10) Describe a time that you “outgrew” a friend, if applicable.

11) How many years have you known your oldest friend? How have you managed to stay friends, over time?
27 years and counting

12) Do you have any friends who are exes? What’s your philosophy about that?
i do my best in this area

13) How do you feel about “friends with benefits”?
it doesnt work...at least not for me

14) How do your expectations of a friend differ from your expectations of a romantic partner?
i would want my romantic partner to spoon me at night...i do nto expect this from friends...a romantic partner is also a friend

15) Describe a time when you really came through for a friend.
My freind J...was diagnosed with breast cancer, she had no one to drive her to see her boys, so i did...then i took her and her boys to the tat shop they got matching tats and i sat through it all, i was able to give her a weekend with her boys she might not have had otherwise...i would do it again and again

16) Describe a time a friend really came through for you.
i have had the pleasure of multiple people coming through for me...sometimes..the most recent a phone call in the middle of my tears and she had no idea her timing was perfect.

17) What are a few deal breakers that would stop you being friends with someone?
finding out im being used....someone saying nasty things about me, abusing the friendships etc..

18) What are the kinds of characters flaws you can overlook in a friend?
it is not up to me to judge character flaws...sometimes character flaws is what makes a person unique so they aren't flaws at all

Part 3 of 5: How important is it to you that:

1) …your friend’s age is fairly close to yours?
not at all important, i have a great many friends 20 years older than i

2) …your friend’s educational level is similar to yours?
everyone has a different education therefore this does not matter

3) …your friend’s economic situation is similar to yours?
again this is of no importance as to how a freindship is built or sustained

4) …your friend’s religious beliefs are similar to yours?
not at all

5) …your friend’s class background is similar to yours?
nope we all come from different degrees of so called classes

6) …your friend’s gender identity or sexual preference is similar to yours?
not an issue

7) …your small or adult children like your friends?
it is up to me to like my friends, not my children

8) …your friends like to include your children, when you hang out together?
not important factor...sometimes we do sometimes we do not

Part 4 of 5: Which of the following shared activities with a friend appeal to you?

1) Attending singles events and supporting each other as you scan the environment for someone to flirt with, etc.
that would be fun lol

2) Exercising; outdoors or indoors
i would love this

3) Watching movies or videos; at home or in a theater
i do this now with friends...

4) Playing video or electronic games; at home or somewhere else
pinball!!!! racing....would be a blast

5) Attending sports events or watching sports on TV
yep i do this

6) Participating in team sports
I do this as well

7) Attending cultural events (museums, concerts, readings, etc.)
I enjoy these events as well

8) Shopping
i despise shopping i am not a good friend to do this with however i try....and i make attempts now...and im planning a shopping trip with someone

9) Cooking, or eating in restaurants
yep love this too

10) Visiting wildlife centers, going to a county fair, hanging out to watch the dog run in an urban area, bird watching—anything that involves animals
I have friends i do this with as well
11) Other
For the above 10 questions, i have many friends in life that i can do all the above with not one person has to match all of this...different friends meet different needs...the best of the best are the ones i can call up and say hey i just need an ear...they know who they are...and they know that when they need an ear im there for them.

Part 5 of 5: What important things has this survey left out?
I liked this survey....Friendships are unique in and of themselves...as no two friendships are exactly the same...they are like fingerprints.

I also like that a femme created it...

[Breezy]

I need to re answer a question. If I had a single friend, and I am single, to whom I was attracted I'd see where it went, if anywhere beyond, friendship slowly.

[Ginger]

Part 5 of 5: What important things has this survey left out?
When will we all get to meet you, Ms. Island Scout?!


********

Hahaha be careful what you wish for you just might get it Seriously it would be fun to meet you and the lovely Miss Scarlet. I hope I do someday!

Great survey and I was thinking about your response on the q about friends in abusive relationships, how your friend would vent to you about it, then stayed in it and cut you off.

I know for me personally, it's kind of embarrassing to complain about a relationship and then stay in it... I wonder if she was just too embarrassed to stay in touch.

Some things we will never know, right?

Take care!



Scout

[Ginger]

Gaea wrote:

..different friends meet different needs...the best of the best are the ones i can call up and say hey i just need an ear...they know who they are...and they know that when they need an ear im there for them.

***********

So true, right?

Gaea wrote:

1) What are your thoughts on butch/femme friendships?
i think they can work, the hard part is often times my butch freindsh will get in relationships and then i wont see or hear from them for awhile, its ok though because i know they are still there and they know i value my friendships

************

I know what you're saying, and I think for me it's true for all friends. Once they are partnered, they're not as unconditionally available as before. The last time I got into a serious relationship, I think it made one of my close friends a little annoyed at me. I was still available, but not always on a Saturday night or for a whole weekend, and she didn't get to sleep over (we would have sleep overs but it wasn't sexual).

That's another thing I've been annoyed about myself during long single periods of time—I would get tired of being relegated to the "B" nights, while my friend's lover got the premium nights (Saturdays, holidays). I'm not talking about jealousy, just feeling like, when you're single, you never come first with anyone.

One of the good things about my current relationship is that while my partner is almost never available to go out with me (she has a kid and childcare is an issue), she doesn't begrudge me my time with friends, or doing stuff by myself. Right now, in fact, I'm in Maine. I took myself on a vacation.

It's beautiful here. I drove for five hours today, and I'm going to rest then go somewhere nice for dinner. I really needed the undisturbed writing time.

If I disappear for a while, that's where I am.

[genghisfawn]

Part 1 of 5: Logistic availability

1) How often do you see your friends in person?

As often as possible. We're all busy people but we tend to put quality time over quantity of time.

2) How often do you talk on the phone, email, skype, etc. a friend?

If I don't see my best friend for a few weeks (we live in different cities) we text each other private jokes and random blather to keep things going. I have other friends that require more maintenance, but even if my response isn't immediate, they know it's coming.

3) Is childcare a consideration, when you’re making plans with a friend?

Not for me. Some of my friends have young kids, so I just head over there and hope for a few minutes of grown-up time.

4) Are finances a consideration?

I have friends of all ages and stages. Besides, there are as many fun free and cheap things to do as there are costly ones.

5) Is accessibility or health a consideration?

Nope. One of my friends actually trusts me to drive her wheelchair van (at her peril, folks, at her peril, hahaha.)

6) Is your work or class schedule a consideration?

Yes, unfortunately. I'm single, thus I'm busy. I work 40-48 hours a week, I'm involved in the performing arts when in season, I have my mother and brother who love and need me, I'm a church-goer who is in the choir and social justice committee... I see you when I see you, but we make it a hell of a good time.

7) Does last-minute planning figure into your friendships, either out of necessity or just because that’s the way you prefer it?

I do last-minute when I can... it's fun that way, and I feel all daring when someone says, "Hey, want to meet me at Cranberry Flats in an hour and bring your camera?"


Part 2 of 5: Boundaries, expectations and values

1) What are your thoughts on butch/femme friendships?

I have butch friends, femme friends, man friends, woman friends, kid friends, dog friends, etc. Friendships are precious, period.

2) If your partner didn’t like someone, would you still be friends with that person?

I'd need to know, honestly, why. My close friends know me so well that any partner of mine would probably do better to befriend them rather than be jealous or annoyed by them. Even if they didn't get along as friends, I'd want them to be civil to one another and have my partner respect the friendship and my friend respect the relationship.

3) Describe a time someone cut you off as a friend.

My friend Sadie from university was a close friend. She and I were inseparable. We took classes together, hung out frequently, shared everything, slept in the same bed and called each other "wifey". I tend to make very intimate connections with close friends, and so does she. When she was getting ready to move to another city, she cut our friendship off at the root in order to cope with having to leave and the friendship having to change. I grieved her for a long time, and not a day goes by when I don't think of her, but I respected her need because I loved her.

4) Describe a time you cut someone off as a friend.

I'm in the process of doing it right now, unfortunately. I've tried hard to get the friendship to change and progress, but one person can't do that in a mutual relationship alone, so I'm gradually reducing the amount of time and energy this friend has of mine and eventually I'll have to let it go. The time we spend together only stresses me out, and cutting the friendship off is a last-ditch resort after trying everything else. It sucks, but it has to be done.

5) How would you respond, if you realized a friend had a substance abuse problem?

Been there. I love them and support them and suspend my judgement.

6) How would you respond, if your friend were in an abusive relationship?

Been there, as well. I learned from my first serious relationship, which was abusive, and how my friends responded when we were 18 and 19. Now that we're grown-ups and we've agreed to help each other out when this stuff comes up, we're honest with one another. I don't push, but I do tell them what I see and let them know periodically that I have their back. If they need me, I'm there.

7) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (partnered) friend, what would you do?

It's happened. It's not worth the bother it would cause by telling them, and I'd never do anything about it, so I just try to find out why I'm attracted to them and hope that I can turn the feelings into a better friendship.

8) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (single) friend, what would you do?

Sometimes romances begin as friendships. I would never get a crush on a close friend, but when I've developed a crush on a new friend or acquaintance, sometimes I've let it be known (but I'm usually too shy.) Sometimes things have happened, and sometimes not, but I figure most people like to know someone thinks they're a hottie!

9) If your friend had what you considered an annoying, albeit harmless habit, would you tell her?

If it really gets under my skin, I tell them. I've also been in the horrible position of having someone say, "Be honest with me. (Particular destructive behaviour)... is it a bad thing? What do you think?" and I have to be diplomatic but honest.

10) Describe a time that you “outgrew” a friend, if applicable.

I've outgrown my high school friends all within the last year. The stress of their infighting got to be too much, and it hasn't changed in so many years, and I needed to be free of it. I still see them one on one sometimes, and I enjoy it, but I can't be with them in a group or talk about the others with them.

11) How many years have you known your oldest friend? How have you managed to stay friends, over time?

My oldest friend and I have known each other since we were 14 and 15 and met in the youth orchestra. She was 2nd clarinet, and I was 3rd double bass. It was an unlikely pairing, but today we are the bestest of besties and I'm glad I complimented her Our Lady Peace shirt that day.

12) Do you have any friends who are exes? What’s your philosophy about that?

Most of my exes are friends, or we were friends after the relationship but had to come apart for various reasons. The two exes I never speak to anymore are unspeakable for various reasons, and I just leave it at that. Sometimes it's because we were better off as friends than lovers, so why not be friends?

13) How do you feel about “friends with benefits”?

Did it. Emotionally screwed me up. Won't do it again.

14) How do your expectations of a friend differ from your expectations of a romantic partner?

Physical intimacy and first point-of-call are the only criteria I require out of a partner and not my friends. The airing of bullshit and relationship advice are things I require out of friends and not from a partner.

15) Describe a time when you really came through for a friend.

Last summer, one of my close friends had a serious mental health breakdown. So many years of shit came out in the process. His wife at the time was pregnant and had the 3-year-old and 13-year-old at home, they were down to one salary and they needed help. I gave them food, I had the wife over a lot and let her drink my coffee, eat my Gaviscon and lie on my living room floor and cry. At the time it was all I could do, but I took care of her so she could go home and take care of everyone a little better.

16) Describe a time a friend really came through for you.

This past summer was the worst of my life. I'd been dumped, my life had gone 180, I was sick and stoned out on painkillers, I was waiting for surgery and I couldn't work. Oh, and because I was on EI I was painfully poor. My best friend came home for the summer (she's a teacher) and basically dragged my ass back from the depression which accompanies an illness and got me to rejoin the world. Bless her. I love her more than life itself.

17) What are a few deal breakers that would stop you being friends with someone?

I don't have hard limits with friendships. People are people, no matter what. I've had to stop being friends with people, though, when the way they live is incompatible with the way I live (heavy drug-users, heavy partiers, etc.) out of self-preservation.

18) What are the kinds of characters flaws you can overlook in a friend?

Most things, actually. Everyone is quirky, and I am certainly not exempt. I can put up with a lot of quirks, eccentricities, specifics, etc. but I sometimes call people on destructive, manipulative or aggressive behaviours for their own sake and mine.


Part 3 of 5: How important is it to you that:

1) …your friend’s age is fairly close to yours? - Not important.

2) …your friend’s educational level is similar to yours? - Not very important, but I need a high level of conversation.

3) …your friend’s economic situation is similar to yours? - Not important.

4) …your friend’s religious beliefs are similar to yours? - Not important.

5) …your friend’s class background is similar to yours? - Not important.

6) …your friend’s gender identity or sexual preference is similar to yours? - Not important.

7) …your small or adult children like your friends? - Haven't got any.

8) …your friends like to include your children, when you hang out together? - Haven't got any, but I don't mind including theirs sometimes (but being the single, kidless one, I'm the friend they go to for grown-up time anyhow!)


Part 4 of 5: Which of the following shared activities with a friend appeal to you?

1) Attending singles events and supporting each other as you scan the environment for someone to flirt with, etc. Like a bar?

Sure. I'm a great wingwoman.

2) Exercising; outdoors or indoors

Ex...ercise? Like they do on teevee?

3) Watching movies or videos; at home or in a theater

Once in awhile.

4) Playing video or electronic games; at home or somewhere else ish.

Meh.

5) Attending sports events or watching sports on TV

Only Saskatchewan Roughrider games!

6) Participating in team sports

Depends on the sport, depends on the team. My bestie and I like to go curling and skating in winter!

7) Attending cultural events (museums, concerts, readings, etc.)

Absolutely!

8) Shopping

I really have to be in the mood.

9) Cooking, or eating in restaurants

All the time!

10) Visiting wildlife centers, going to a county fair, hanging out to watch the dog run in an urban area, bird watching

You bet. We've already planned trips to Cranberry Flats and Batoche for the summer.

11) Other

Bonfires (summer and winter), picnics, summer festivals, WalMart jousting... the list is endless!

Part 5 of 5: What important things has this survey left out?

I think people value different things in their friendships, so the survey itself was a good preliminary exercise in evaluating how I see my friends and friendships, but also got me thinking about the deeper, more personal things. Thanks for writing it!

BONUS QUESTION: In your opinion, has the fact that this survey was created by a femme, affected it in any way?

I doubt it.

[Ginger]

Genghisfawn wrote:

My friend Sadie from university was a close friend. She and I were inseparable. We took classes together, hung out frequently, shared everything, slept in the same bed and called each other "wifey". I tend to make very intimate connections with close friends, and so does she. When she was getting ready to move to another city, she cut our friendship off at the root in order to cope with having to leave and the friendship having to change. I grieved her for a long time, and not a day goes by when I don't think of her, but I respected her need because I loved her.

Genghisfawn, that's a big love, that enables you to respect someone's need to reject you. I was struck by that when I read it, and wondered if I would be able to have that generosity. I think so, but I'm not sure.

This past summer was the worst of my life. I'd been dumped, my life had gone 180, I was sick and stoned out on painkillers, I was waiting for surgery and I couldn't work. Oh, and because I was on EI I was painfully poor. My best friend came home for the summer (she's a teacher) and basically dragged my ass back from the depression which accompanies an illness and got me to rejoin the world. Bless her. I love her more than life itself.


And I think you would do the same for her, if the occasion arose.

How important is it to you that: 2) …your friend’s educational level is similar to yours? - Not very important, but I need a high level of conversation.

That's it. That's it exactly.


6) Participating in team sports

Depends on the sport, depends on the team. My bestie and I like to go curling and skating in winter!

Curling? Really??? I think I would enjoy that too; I can be so obsessive in narrow ways for short periods of time, when I can't let go of the outcome.


7) Does last-minute planning figure into your friendships, either out of necessity or just because that’s the way you prefer it?

I do last-minute when I can... it's fun that way, and I feel all daring when someone says, "Hey, want to meet me at Cranberry Flats in an hour and bring your camera?"

Your life sounds nice.

Scout

[laruss]

Part 1 of 5: Logistic availability

1) How often do you see your friends in person?
I have a lot of friends and I see someone almost every day.

2) How often do you talk on the phone, email, skype, etc. a friend?
Many times a day. Text is the most common, but for deeper conversations if we can't get together we phone or skype

3) Is childcare a consideration, when you’re making plans with a friend?
Only a few of my friends have kids, and we usually do something that includes them. My kids are grown now so it isn't an issue for me.

4) Are finances a consideration?
Everyone has different financial situations, I do different things with different friends

5) Is accessibility or health a consideration?
I have friends with different health issues from allergies to brain tumors that put them in a wheel chair. We always accommodate whatever the situation

6) Is your work or class schedule a consideration?
Not right now as I work from home, but when I was in Corporate it really was an issue as I lived for my job. But in saying that, I am on a number of different boards, I have my own work to do, I take classes and I have so many friends that I schedule almost everything. I love to be spontaneous, but only where I have a break in my schedule or if an opening comes up.

7) Does last-minute planning figure into your friendships, either out of necessity or just because that’s the way you prefer it?
I have some friends who will never step in last minute and I have others who love too. Depending on my schedule I will definitely, if available.


Part 2 of 5: Boundaries, expectations and values

1) What are your thoughts on butch/femme friendships?
I think anyone can be friends, it doesn't matter what you identify as.

2) If your partner didn’t like someone, would you still be friends with that person?
I definitely would, but I would work on the why's of the dislike. Jealousy doesn't fly with me so that wouldn't be acceptable from my partner, but if they had a valid reason to dislike I would examine my friendship. But I have learned a valuable lesson... If most of your friends don't like your partner, you should reexamine your relationship with your partner. I have many close friends and I value their opinion immensely.

3) Describe a time someone cut you off as a friend.
I can't really think of a time someone cut me off, but I have had many friendships run their course. I strongly believe that people are brought into your life for a reason and they will leave when that purpose is fulfilled. I may miss them, but I understand. Life is ever evolving.

4) Describe a time you cut someone off as a friend.
I had a friend through high school and when I got married and had kids she was going through a heavy partying phase that didn't mesh with my young family. I wrote her a letter explaining we were at different places in our lives and I needed to be there for my family. 5 years later we ran into each other and this September celebrate 30 years as friends. She is like a sister to me.

5) How would you respond, if you realized a friend had a substance abuse problem?
I have been there for some friends through some of the worst. I do what I can, but I now put myself and my family first. Too many times I took time away from my family and myself to look after others. But, my friends know they can count on me.

6) How would you respond, if your friend were in an abusive relationship?
Abusive, cheating, any negative energy directed toward them, I am straight up honest and there for them if they want to do something about it. I try not to judge where they are at, but if they choose to continue in it I will pull away. Letting them know I am always there if they need me.

7) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (partnered) friend, what would you do?
I would keep it to myself, it is not fair of me to burden them with that. I am an adult who can constrain myself.

8) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (single) friend, what would you do?
I would let them know, it may take me time as I would want to determine how it could affect my relationship with them. Recently I told a friend of 8 years that I had been in love with her for the past 6. But, one or the other of us had been in relationships so this is the first time we were single at the same time. We value our friendship too much to commit to each other when we are in such different places in our lives, but she means the world to me and I let her know that regularly.

9) If your friend had what you considered an annoying, albeit harmless habit, would you tell her?
Probably, but all my friends are pretty straight up people. We are pretty honest about things with each other.

10) Describe a time that you “outgrew” a friend, if applicable.
See above... friends come and go from our lives. We need to appreciate them while they are there and accept when they have moved onto other things.

11) How many years have you known your oldest friend? How have you managed to stay friends, over time?
30 years. We have evolved into a sister relationship. We really don't have much in common anymore, really haven't since high school, but we are okay with that and as family just accept each other where we are at.

12) Do you have any friends who are exes? What’s your philosophy about that?
I do have friends who are exes. I think it is the healthiest way to have things. Unfortunately not everyone feels that way and I am very grateful to have had one ex move to Australia from where I live here in Canada. lol

13) How do you feel about “friends with benefits”?
I am in favour of it, as long as everyone is on the same page. It has to have very real, open and honest communication for it to work. I have a few, always have unless I am in a committed relationship.

14) How do your expectations of a friend differ from your expectations of a romantic partner?
I expect my romantic partner to be there for me always, as I would be for them. I don't mean we live in each others pockets, but if we have something going on good or bad, we are there for it. And depending on the dynamics of the relationship would likely be the only one in my bed.

15) Describe a time when you really came through for a friend.
I can't really think of one. I do things for my friends all the time, some I find insignificant and they feel are of the utmost importance. I have done everything from help them move out of their marital home after finding out their husband was cheating to letting a friend stay with me through his psychotic breakdown and finally committed him so he could get the help he needed.

16) Describe a time a friend really came through for you.
My friends do this all the time. The most important was when my partner died while I was in Berlin visiting my brother. My long time friend came to the house because I couldn't reach my spouse and found them dead in bed. She has been greatly traumatized by this. Then before my plane landed, as it took me 24 hours to get back home afterwards, a group of them came into my home and helped my spouse cross over and did a clearing on my home so I would not walk into that energy upon my return. It has bonded our friendship in a very unique way.

17) What are a few deal breakers that would stop you being friends with someone?
Abusive behaviour and dishonesty

18) What are the kinds of characters flaws you can overlook in a friend?
Most, as we all have flaws

Part 3 of 5: How important is it to you that:

1) …your friend’s age is fairly close to yours?
Not at all

2) …your friend’s educational level is similar to yours?
I need to have intelligent people around me, but they do not have to have a formal education. I just don't do stupid well

3) …your friend’s economic situation is similar to yours?
Doesn't make a difference

4) …your friend’s religious beliefs are similar to yours?
This depends, I am open to many beliefs but if you try to convert me I will smack you once, and the second time I walk away.

5) …your friend’s class background is similar to yours?
I have friends from all types of backgrounds

6) …your friend’s gender identity or sexual preference is similar to yours?
Makes no never mind to me

7) …your small or adult children like your friends?
My children live elsewhere, but if they really didn't like someone I would have to take a look at why. My kids are pretty open minded so if they took issue with someone I would pay attention

8) …your friends like to include your children, when you hang out together?
My friends love my kids. We are even having a big shower for them tomorrow as both my girls had babies in April and my friends have been waiting to meet the babies. My girls, my brother and my dad traveled here to share this with my extended family. My friends are part of my family.


Part 4 of 5: Which of the following shared activities with a friend appeal to you?

1) Attending singles events and supporting each other as you scan the environment for someone to flirt with, etc.
I do this with some friends

2) Exercising; outdoors or indoors
Different friends for each of these activities

3) Watching movies or videos; at home or in a theater
I have certain friends that I always call for going to the movies

4) Playing video or electronic games; at home or somewhere else
Not my thing, and I don't have many friends who are into it either. Except maybe wii on occasion. We have had a couple of wii parties. Drunk yoga is fun.

5) Attending sports events or watching sports on TV
Again, usually different friends for each event

6) Participating in team sports
I'm not much into playing team sports. Did I mention I don't do stupid well? I find team sports bring out the stupid in players and spectators

7) Attending cultural events (museums, concerts, readings, etc.)
Love these events and have different friends I hold seasons tickets with to different cultural events.

8) Shopping
I am more of an online shopper or an alone shopper. I get in, get what I need and get out. Unless I am traveling and I have to check out the souvenirs, art and other touristy stuff, but again usually better off alone for the shopping part

9) Cooking, or eating in restaurants
Do this all the time with almost all my friends, either just two of us or in groups. We often have dinners of 16-24 people and know which restaurants can accommodate all of us and the assorted food related issues they all seem to have.

10) Visiting wildlife centers, going to a county fair, hanging out to watch the dog run in an urban area, bird watching—anything that involves animals
Yep, different friends for different activities, although some do overlap

11) Other
We often get together to do Spiritual work in a group. Whether it be 3 or 4 of us for reiki or 20+ for a drumming circle. Sometimes we will travel to do a ritual. We have also done day trips to visit different Medicine Wheels, Alberta has many.

[Ginger]

laruss wrote:


2) If your partner didn’t like someone, would you still be friends with that person?

I definitely would, but I would work on the why's of the dislike. Jealousy doesn't fly with me so that wouldn't be acceptable from my partner, but if they had a valid reason to dislike I would examine my friendship. But I have learned a valuable lesson... If most of your friends don't like your partner, you should reexamine your relationship with your partner. I have many close friends and I value their opinion immensely.

I agree about the jealousy part, and actually I wasn't even thinking of jealousy when I wrote that question; so many people have brought it up though, realize it's a common experience for lovers to be jealous of their partner's friend/s. I remember now a gay man I was very tight with, in the nineties. He was an academic and I'm a writer so we had friends in common and often saw the world the same way. We also shared a sense of humor, and watched Kids in the Hall reruns together, and would spend weekends together at my house upstate where he would paint till 4 in the morning and I would write and we would talk nonstop. My lover, a corporate lawyer, and I didn't have the same rapport in the same ways, though we had it in others, and she was very jealous of him. She wasn't nice to him. Eventually I lost him as a friend, and that was a contributing factor. I'd forgotten about that till I read your post for some reason.

3) Describe a time someone cut you off as a friend.
I can't really think of a time someone cut me off, but I have had many friendships run their course. I strongly believe that people are brought into your life for a reason and they will leave when that purpose is fulfilled. I may miss them, but I understand. Life is ever evolving.

I wish I were as philosophical about you at losing a friend. I just tend to be sad and bitter

4) Describe a time you cut someone off as a friend.
I had a friend through high school and when I got married and had kids she was going through a heavy partying phase that didn't mesh with my young family. I wrote her a letter explaining we were at different places in our lives and I needed to be there for my family. 5 years later we ran into each other and this September celebrate 30 years as friends. She is like a sister to me.

What's cool is that she understood, and didn't hold it against you, when you needed space away from her. She does sound like a very good friend, a real keeper!

I enjoyed reading your responses.
Scout

[Mr Nice Guy]

Originally Posted by IslandScout

Mr. Nice Guy wrote:

1) What are your thoughts on butch/femme friendships?
I've never been able to be a friend with a Femme. Trust me I've tried but it doesn't work. Either their partner gets jealous or feelings pop up. Which makes for uncomfortable situations and I'm not a home wrecker.

********************

That is so interesting, Mr. Nice Guy. You're the first person who said that, but usually when one person says something, it's true for others who don't speak out.

When you say, "feelings pop up," if you're friends with a femme, it made me wonder if you're talking about your feelings, her feelings, or both.

I have found that some very good friendships start with crushes that die a natural death when one side doesn't return the energy. But that's just in my experience.



Scout

Hi, it's never been my feelings. I don't go there. If I did have feelings for someone who's involved I have to question why and see if I could just be friends and not more. I would never come between two people. I've been down that road where it has happened to me. I have respect for my friends and would never want to hurt them. More times then not I think it's just how I am. I can be very sweet and I'm a great listener and very Butch. Straight women are attracted to this because I think something's missing in their relationship so they see in me what they want from a man. I guess that's why I here from their Moms that I wish my daughter was gay because your so nice and you would treat my daughter right. I'm just me and I'm nice because that's my personality. I can't help it. Sometimes it makes me sad because there's a lot of people in this world that aren't happy with themselves or they're afraid to just be. When it comes to lesbian Femmes it's mostly the Butches that are nervous or get jealous. Being online I can be friends with anyone without worrying about this.

[Ginger]

Originally Posted by Mr Nice Guy

Hi, it's never been my feelings. I don't go there. If I did have feelings for someone who's involved I have to question why and see if I could just be friends and not more. I would never come between two people. I've been down that road where it has happened to me. I have respect for my friends and would never want to hurt them.

Yes, you earn your screen name, Mr. Nice Guy.

I am meanwhile, a Scout, IslandScout, on a island of my own making, looking around for a boat, wondering if I'm already on it.

(sorry for the flight of cryptic musing; I'm on vacation and sitting on a deck in a the middle of trees eating a homemade scone and getting ready to go biking and really in a dreamy mood!)

Scout

[Mr Nice Guy]

Now that sounds relaxing. I'm jealous. Lol

[always2late]

Part 1 of 5: Logistic availability

1) How often do you see your friends in person? As often as our various work, school, and childcare schedules will allow. I have friends I see every week, some I see only monthly...and some I don't actually see for years.

2) How often do you talk on the phone, email, skype, etc. a friend? I don't like talking on the phone, and I don't have skype...but I am a textin' fool! My friends and I text daily.

3) Is childcare a consideration, when you’re making plans with a friend? Yes

4) Are finances a consideration? Sometimes...if I'm broke, or the friend in question is...we alter our plans accordingly.

5) Is accessibility or health a consideration? Yes

6) Is your work or class schedule a consideration? Yes

7) Does last-minute planning figure into your friendships, either out of necessity or just because that’s the way you prefer it? Normally our plans are figured out beforehand..but there are times when life gets in the way, and we have to do some last-minute adjustments.


Part 2 of 5: Boundaries, expectations and values

1) What are your thoughts on butch/femme friendships? I think, as in any other types of friendship, there are more important things than how someone IDs that either bring you together or tear you apart. I have both butch and femme friends.

2) If your partner didn’t like someone, would you still be friends with that person? I think it would depend on why my partner didn't like them. I would talk to my partner and find out exactly what the reason was. If there was a valid reason for my partner not being happy about the friendship (i.e. the person is a serial killer) then I would have to consider their opinion. If the reason was invalid (i.e. "I don't like their hair") then I would remain friends, and probably question my relationship.

3) Describe a time someone cut you off as a friend. A friend once cut me off when she remarried. I was friends with both her and her ex-husband, and I think it made her and/or her new husband uncomfortable.

4) Describe a time you cut someone off as a friend. I have cut off friends if they bring nothing but negativity into my life. As I've gotten older, I find that I am more selective about who I allow in.

5) How would you respond, if you realized a friend had a substance abuse problem? If they were at the point where they wanted help, I would do everything in my power to help them. If not, I would try to be there for them but I would not enable them.

6) How would you respond, if your friend were in an abusive relationship? I would try to help them, if they were open to help, however as with addiction, you can't help someone unless they want your help. I would do everything in my power to try to get them away from the situation if I could. If they weren't at the point where they were willing to leave the relationship, I would make sure they knew I was there, would always be there, and would never judge them. Sometimes that is what someone needs in order to take the first step.

7) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (partnered) friend, what would you do? Nothing...I would deal with the feelings on my own. I would never disrespect anyone's relationship, especially that of a friend.

8) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (single) friend, what would you do? I would probably talk to them about it.

9) If your friend had what you considered an annoying, albeit harmless habit, would you tell her? Yes

10) Describe a time that you “outgrew” a friend, if applicable. I had a friend who wanted to bar/club-hop every weekend and just couldn't understand why I, as a single mother, could not do so. She ended up getting annoyed with me because, as she put it, "You never want to do anything fun anymore." I realized that we were in different places in our lives and our friendship kind of fizzled out.

11) How many years have you known your oldest friend? How have you managed to stay friends, over time? I've known my oldest friend for almost 40 years. We've managed to stay friends for so long because our friendship is built on understanding and on mutual trust and respect. There have been times in our friendship where we haven't been in contact for months, due to work or other obligations, but we've always been able to come together again, and the friendship picks up right where we left off.

12) Do you have any friends who are exes? What’s your philosophy about that? Yes I do...I think having a friendship with an ex depends on why they became an ex in the first place.

13) How do you feel about “friends with benefits”? Been there, done that...it doesn't work unless both parties KNOW that it will never be anything but that.

14) How do your expectations of a friend differ from your expectations of a romantic partner? I think my expectations for both are very similar...There has to be common interests and goals, mutual respect and caring, compromise and flexibility, and most importantly, trust.

15) Describe a time when you really came through for a friend. A friend gave birth to her daughter a few months after I gave birth to my son. She had to be hospitalized for a few months due to a medical condition..so I took her daughter while she was in the hospital.

16) Describe a time a friend really came through for you. I had to have an endoscopy and my friend drove me to the hospital at 6:00am...and stayed with me the entire time.

17) What are a few deal breakers that would stop you being friends with someone? Any type of abuse (physical, mental, verbal), lying, theft.

18) What are the kinds of characters flaws you can overlook in a friend? Anything that doesn't fall into the above categories.


Part 3 of 5: How important is it to you that:

1) …your friend’s age is fairly close to yours? Not important

2) …your friend’s educational level is similar to yours? Not important

3) …your friend’s economic situation is similar to yours? Not important

4) …your friend’s religious beliefs are similar to yours? Not important unless they make it so. I've had a friend who recently found "religion" and basically told me that I'm living in sin...so yeah..then it would be important.

5) …your friend’s class background is similar to yours? Not important

6) …your friend’s gender identity or sexual preference is similar to yours? Not important

7) …your small or adult children like your friends? Important...because I've found that when my son doesn't like a particular friend..he is usually picking up on something that I am not (and his assessment has usually been right).

8) …your friends like to include your children, when you hang out together? Important...because my son is such a huge part of my life. That doesn't mean that he is ALWAYS with me...but it's important to me that my friends are willing to include my son.

Part 4 of 5: Which of the following shared activities with a friend appeal to you?

1) Attending singles events and supporting each other as you scan the environment for someone to flirt with, etc. I'm not single..but I would accompany a friend to a singles event for support.

2) Exercising; outdoors or indoors Yes

3) Watching movies or videos; at home or in a theater Yes

4) Playing video or electronic games; at home or somewhere else No..I don't really have any interest in video games

5) Attending sports events or watching sports on TV Yes

6) Participating in team sports I don't belong to any teams...but I would be willing to give it a go if a friend suggested it.

7) Attending cultural events (museums, concerts, readings, etc.) Yes

8) Shopping Hmm..I'm not a big shopper...but I do enjoy window-shopping

9) Cooking, or eating in restaurants Yes

10) Visiting wildlife centers, going to a county fair, hanging out to watch the dog run in an urban area, bird watching—anything that involves animals Yes

11) Other


Part 5 of 5: What important things has this survey left out? Wow..it's pretty comprehensive...can't think of anything that was left out.



BONUS QUESTION: In your opinion, has the fact that this survey was created by a femme, affected it in any way? No

[Blade]

Friendship Survey[FONT="Verdana"][/CENTER]


Part 1 of 5: Logistic availability

1) How often do you see your friends in person? Daily
2) How often do you talk on the phone, email, skype, etc. a friend? Daily for some weekly for others every few months for others
3) Is childcare a consideration, when you’re making plans with a friend? Not normally. Most of the time anything I do with friends is appropriate for children. If not they know it before hand.
4) Are finances a consideration? no
5) Is accessibility or health a consideration? no
6) Is your work or class schedule a consideration? no
7) Does last-minute planning figure into your friendships, either out of necessity or just because that’s the way you prefer it? yep I can be pretty spontaneous
Part 2 of 5: Boundaries, expectations and values

1) What are your thoughts on butch/femme friendships? I have femme friends, I have butch friends not as many as femmes though.
2) If your partner didn’t like someone, would you still be friends with that person? depends on why they didn't like them
3) Describe a time someone cut you off as a friend. when they made assumptions and didn't communicate with me about their assumptions.
4) Describe a time you cut someone off as a friend. It's rare that I close all the doors and windows. I usually leave a window cracked open.
5) How would you respond, if you realized a friend had a substance abuse problem? I would help them all they would allow me to. I'm a realist, and I realize that you can't help anyone until they admit they have a problem and are ready for help. Then I'd support them as long as they needed me to.
6) How would you respond, if your friend were in an abusive relationship? This is a hard one. Abusive has many subcatagories. I'd encourage self esteem, and personal strength, to encourage them to make the decision and take action on the right thing to do for them.
7) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (partnered) friend, what would you do? this would never happen. I know my role, this would never happen8) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (single) friend, what would you do? I'd get to know them better and then decide if what they offered and what I have to offer would be a good mix.
9) If your friend had what you considered an annoying, albeit harmless habit, would you tell her?yes
10) Describe a time that you “outgrew” a friend, if applicable. Don't know that this has happened completely. There are people that I'm still friends with we just don't socialize as often as we did at one time.
11) How many years have you known your oldest friend? How have you managed to stay friends, over time? 40 yrs, we are total opposites. Several 30 yr friendships. I think when you grow up with people and continue to be a part of each others lives even if it is occasional, it is beneficial for maintaining a growing and maturing relationship. Especially as we age.
12) Do you have any friends who are exes? What’s your philosophy about that? sure, I try to always stay friends with ex'es, sometimes it's all good, sometimes..not so much.
13) How do you feel about “friends with benefits”? if both parties can keep this in check, I think it is ok
14) How do your expectations of a friend differ from your expectations of a romantic partner? It would depend on to many variables to discuss in this survey
15) Describe a time when you really came through for a friend. I had a friend who was being released from prison. She couldn't be released until she had a place to live and a job. I went to her previous job and ask them to hire her back, and I told her she could live at my house as long as she was drug free. I let her drive my truck to work every night.
16) Describe a time a friend really came through for you. He let me use his credit card to buy a fridge. I had bought 3 used ones in one year and the last one went out the first week of June last year. I paid him back, but had he not been generious enough to do that for me, I guess I still wouldn't have a working fridge.
17) What are a few deal breakers that would stop you being friends with someone? lack of respect, breaking a confidence, spreading rumors, stealing, abusive behavior,

18) What are the kinds of characters flaws you can overlook in a friend?
People are the way they are you either accept them they way they are or you distance yourself from them

[Ginger]

Always2Late wrote:

3) Describe a time someone cut you off as a friend.

A friend once cut me off when she remarried. I was friends with both her and her ex-husband, and I think it made her and/or her new husband uncomfortable.

I hate it when that happens. I've had a similar experience when I lost friends who "went" with an Ex. It stings at first, but then I decided, they weren't a true friend, after all. And then even later, when I'm not feeling hurt at all, I can look at it is, they're just confused about what "loyalty" is, and are trying to do the right thing but messing up in the process.

11) How many years have you known your oldest friend? How have you managed to stay friends, over time?

I've known my oldest friend for almost 40 years. We've managed to stay friends for so long because our friendship is built on understanding and on mutual trust and respect. There have been times in our friendship where we haven't been in contact for months, due to work or other obligations, but we've always been able to come together again, and the friendship picks up right where we left off.

That's the magical thing about long-lasting friendships—they don't atrophy during time apart. I don't know why that is, but I keep hearing it as a characteristic of a long-term friend. I've been thinking, it has to do with both people being pretty accepting of others. You accept each other at one phase in life, and then you re-accept their changed self in another phase of life. I think people who are less accepting of other people, who are more rigid and judgmental, have a harder time maintaining long-term friendships. Just a theory of course.

10) Describe a time that you “outgrew” a friend, if applicable.

I had a friend who wanted to bar/club-hop every weekend and just couldn't understand why I, as a single mother, could not do so. She ended up getting annoyed with me because, as she put it, "You never want to do anything fun anymore." I realized that we were in different places in our lives and our friendship kind of fizzled out.

Ha ha I have to kind of laugh at how clueless your friend sounds. For you at that time, fun was probably having three hours of uninterrupted sleep, and dressing up probably meant wearing something that didn't have baby vomit on it.

Scout