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Old 08-02-2020, 09:45 AM   #1
Vincent
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Default Cptsd and surviving narcisistic parent and impact on r'ships

I have started this thread as Cptsd and narcs,seems to be a common connection.
information on the C,it is not a heirachy,but just the cause,is early childhood trauma and abuse,so the effect has impacted all your life.
For me I turned 60 this year,I feel a lot of reflection on my life.

I was clinically diagnosed at a specialist clinic in a Sydney hospital after a suicide attempt Oct 2013,I was living in a place with a bullying mysoginistic /transphobic neighbour,where I felt,If I did not kill him,I would kill myself.I live in Social housing so moving was not an option.
So I had a positive YES,I have PTSD and needed therapy,or it will not go away,the Govt moved me after finaly going to court and getting a restraining order,I was moved Dec 2013,I kinda thought I would be ok,if he was gone,but I was too far gone,I was now terrified of going out,in case I lost my shit,I felt like I had felt as a young teen-to late 20's.

I finaly started seeing a specialist in PTSD,one of 3 in Sydney,over the 4 yrs ,we worked out that I have Cptsd,due to my mother being a malignant Narc,I must admit,I did not believe these people existed.

move forward to now after 4 yrs of constant therapy,I have had to cut ties with all my family,as narcs are in clusters in families,but also I have severed a lot of old friendships,realising they have all been toxic.

this diagnosis,has explained so much about my life choices and behavours,and my coping now is ,withdrawl I was the youngest and my older siblings were 7 and 10 yrs older,also I was born 8 weeks premature and weighed 2 pounds,I spent 3 mths in hospital,so when I came home,(my mother had come home,no baby and the family continued as normal), this loud crying creature entered,keeping everyone awake.
So I learned to be alone,except for the dog.

My mothers abuse was directed at both me and my brother,my sister the golden child,but my brother resented me being born,so we were never close,he like me found r'ships hard,he loved dogs to,our mother used to get rid of our dogs and one dog I now believe she poisened,just to watch us greive.

I have found myself now,diagnosed with 3 tumor's, in my neck and under my arm,and in my thyroid,I'm not 5 yrs recovered from overian cancer,so maybe this is my reflection,I have no intention of biopsy or treatment,but I am well,I just have these lumps.

I have only had 3 r'ships,one for 14 yrs,20-34,she was 30,it felt more of she was a parent and was very toxic,I had been a herroine addict from 14.

At 35,4 yrs clean and sober, I met the love of my life.A gentle middle class women,younger than me and heterosexual and it turned on a light,I never knew I had,we never argued,she never yelled at me or blamed me for everything,she taught me to read,to believe in myself and that I was smart,just working class,and not educated,but I ran,it scared me,I was use to conflict and being told I was nothing and ongoing drama,like at home,there was always arguing,its all I remember,I have not one happy family childhood family memory ,that was 25 yrs ago now that I met her.

I found a 2018 youtube of her,she is now a disability consultant and advocate,and it all came back,the feelings ,emotions,I had locked it away,and now realise,I am still in love with her

I had had 2 r'ships since,one in 2004,one in 2013,the truth is I have been looking for her,in my dating life since.It's sad,but I never loved them,only the parts,that reminded me of Jenny.
This realisation has lead me to no more,r'ships,its not fair on other people,I always run and I hurt people,I can't trust,and women scare me,and I just numb out,and retreat inside myself,where I went,as a child,and you can't touch me when I'm there.

I feel a need to tie up loose ends,maybe coz the world has gone to shit,Or maybe coz I need closure,in case I get sick.I feel I need to tell Jen she was the love of my life,and I'm happy,she became sucsesful,the honest truth was,it would never have happened with me.
The other 2,I would like to be honest and say sorry,I was not aware of my feelings,but,It was never gunna happen with them.But also they were narcisists,I am like a magnate to them,and my survivor instinct is well developed.

I feel very lonely,in this area of my life,I find explaining complex PTSD exhausting.
my life in general,is fine now,I live 6 mins from the beach,in a quiet area,where my mind can heal,I have always used music,to calm the fucked upness inside of me,and this new bolt of reconing,has really calmed me down.
I do know love and have been loved and those memories now,some how make me feel whole

I have put this here,coz I needed to go blah,but also,if someone out there,feels like me,my mother's abuse has impacted my whole life,and yes she is 96 and going strong,and still as cruel,and spiteful as ever,they NEVER change.

I do apolgise If I have been self induldgent.

Cptsd,is a difficult one,and one that they still are trying to understand,as well as trying to see,what impact there is on prem babies.
I thankyou for a space for me to write this.
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