me , myself and my social stigma

[Mormegil]

Ill try to make a long drawn out story as short as possible. I have social anxiety disorder. Have had it since my teens. In my twenties it was out of control and so I never dated. Iam now 31 years old and after much hardwork i can say i pulled myself out of the worst of it and have reached a point i can date and have a life.

For the past 4 years i have tried making friends and attempted dating. Now the issue i keep running into is this... Everytime i meet a woman iam intrested in and she is into me. The topic of past relationships comes up and eventually sex. And thats where it all goes south .

I did date briefly once and she dumped me because she didnt want a relationship. Was very brief , no sex not even a frenchkiss...only kiss i got was like a peck from your sister...which was weird. But anyways...when these two topics of experience and sex come up i find myself stigmatized because i have very little experience and im a virgin. And no i dont run around telling everyone that. But if she asks i wont lie .

I have been mocked , cast aside , treated like a child , made to feel worthless even though i know iam not . I, when flirting with a crush i had last year, was met with remarks like "you wouldnt even know what to do with me" and" you would just be scared of everything". This seems to be the normal respose i get. That im afraid of everything. That i dont want to have sex or that im to scared to be touched. The list goes on and on.

I go from them telling me how great iam. How cute and sweet to them treating me like i have the plague. Ive been told im not a lesbian...how could i be since im a virgin. Ive never been with man or woman so i obviously dont know what im talking about. The one i dated briefly even gave me a ultimatum...if we didnt have sex in six months she would dump me. And im like ..im a virgin not a nun... I want to have sex to but i also dont want to rush. I want to get to know you and enjoy your company before we move to sex . And no it wont take six months...

I have so much to offer. Things that nobody ever sees because im never given a chance. Iam honest , loyal , loving , affectionate, passionate , sexual , attentive ... but My honesty , no matter how well delivered gives me the same response. And it just happened to me again with a woman i liked this week. She doesnt know im a virgin but just lacking experience . And that was it. Not intrested.

I feel like im being placed in emotional solitary confinement due to things i cant control. It feels like punishment.

I have tried being more sociable outside my search for a companionship. With much success. People like me , alot. But when it comes to dating the no experience/virgin thing stigmatizes me with all women that i get to know or that are into me before they find out. Im all wonderful until we get to know eachother more personally and they ask.

I will not lie about it , Iam not ashamed. And i have done nothing wrong . I dont reveal this info to them early. Only when they pressured me to tell them.

I have been offered sex more than a few times casually and turned them down. So coulda had sex like 5 times by now but I require emotions to be involved etc and casuals not my thing.

What can i do? Why is this happening to me? Why do these things turn me from wonderful find into being stigmatized? I deserve love as much as anyone else and i deserve a chance. Sorry for ranting in my search for answers but I just get frustrated about it. Any ideas?

[A. Spectre]

You sound like a wonderful woman, Mormegil. I don't have much advice to give, but I do know one thing - when the right person comes along everything will fall into place. Just get out there in the world. Throw yourself into your work, your hobbies, your education (formal or informal). Pursue all these things with passion and energy. Just remember, you have to be seen for you and the love of your life to find each other, so get out in the world. You WILL find each other. You're doubting me, aren't you? Lol Trust me, it will happen. Live without fear, Mormegil. Live only with passion, my friend.

[MsTinkerbelly]

I can't even imagine the pain you must feel over these rejections! If I might ask, where are you meeting these people?

Maybe I'm wrong, but you are going to have to date a lot of women to find someone willing to see past your inexperience. Think about this a moment from their point of view...most (not all of course) women in your age group don't want to be a "teacher", they want someone with experience. Someone who knows what they themselves like, and who knows how to go about pleasing someone else...which is not to say you don't have to learn what your partner likes, but you are comfortable already with sex and communication.

There are also women who are more selective and want someone who hasn't already been with everyone in their social circle! Get started on some of those "meet-up" sites for lesbians...go to activities, meet people who enjoy doing the same things you do without the pressure of one-on-one dates. Make some quality friends who can become more, or who knows somebody looking for a less experienced partner to build a life with.

Good luck to you...you are still young, and there are lots of women out there

[cookie-face]

Wow. I almost could have wrote this. I am you when you were you were 10 years ago. Only instead of virginity it's my experiences with compulsory heterosexuality.

I too have social anxiety, and I understand exactly how you feel. I just moved into my dorm, and honestly, I am a wreck. Everyday social interactions exhaust me. When I hear my roommate bringing in friends, my heart starts beating fast, I feel sick and ill. 'Will they make fun of me?' 'Does my make-up look okay?' 'What if they don't like me?' 'How long will they be here?' 'Am I ugly?' ( a really weird and pervasive question idk where it comes from but it's always there)

It is extremely hard to get others, especially significant others- to understand social anxiety. I know. It doesn't feel good to have your experiences belittled or reduced, as is often the case. So many times of being told that I'm over exaggerating or that I need to get over it by people I once thought I could confide in have made me extremely reluctant to open up and share. It has frustrated both me and others trying to explain how I feel- and oftentimes they simply cannot understand.

Some of them try to relate- 'Oh I gt nervous making phone calls' or 'I get shy talking to new people', which only minimizes social anxiety to the occasional, passing feeling instead of a very real, 24/7 experience with very real effects. where much of my ability to function as a half-adult half-child hybrid creature is compromised. It took me two months of my mother insisting before I could call Fed Loan and tell them I couldn't make my student loan payments because I didn't have a job. The job that I quit because my manager reprimanded me over something small that I cried and was too scared to show up to work the next day. Two bois/studs strolled into my room just two days ago and I couldn't even muster up anything other than a squeaky 'Hello', when I really wanted to say ' I'd really love to get to know you and be friends. I'm a femme' I've skipped class before before because I physically cannot enter a room where everyone is already seated before me- I have to be one of the first ones to sit down.

Yeah, it's a terrible way to live. I'm constantly afraid and constantly worrying. I need almost constant reassurance and support. But most of the time, because of other's inability to understand social anxiety, I am my own supporter. It's very lonely.

Do you know what is currently helping me? Knowing that I am worth waiting for.

You are worth waiting for.

If someone is unwilling to be patient and understanding with me and my anxiety, and unwilling to be supportive, then they do not deserve me and they sure as hell don't deserve you. For every friend/family member/ romantic interest who scorns me or looks at me like I'm batty because I can't function in social situations, there's two more passionate, loving people who are willing to give me the support I need. The kind who tell me its okay if I don't want to eat in that restaurant because it's too crowded, that they don't mind having take-out instead. The ones who don't mind when I ask them to talk to me while I'm having an anxiety attack.

I always let these friends know how much I love and appreciate them, and never take them for granted, for loving me so much.

I list my talents, I compliment myself. I criticize and challenge, those negative thoughts that tell me that that group of people is laughing at me, that I'm ugly, that I'm undeserving, that I'm dumb for not being about to do things that other people can. I'm not anyone else other than me.

I'm slowly coming to a point where I realize that anyone who cannot accept all of me, flaws, scars, and all, is not someone who is worth my love or attention. Because I'm a sweet, loving person with a lot to give. I don't deserve to be reprimanded or ridiculed for something I cannot control.

I just tell myself that every day, consistently, and I feel better. And many times I still fall, I still stumble. I'm still eating Luna bars for meals because I'm too scared to eat in the cafe, but I know that I'll get there. I tell myself I don't have to do anything I don't feel comfortable doing, while simultaneously encouraging myself to leave the room more. I'm healing.

I'm not really sure if anything I just wrote made sense, or was even remotely helpful. I just wanted to let you know that I understand you, because I'm in the exact same place you are now.

I know we'll both find people who can love and appreciate us for who we are, and those people take some time to find. Maybe not now, or in a week. But we will.

[imperfect_cupcake]

I personally don't care about expereince, at all. All I care about is that they are the gender expression I am attracted to, they read in a way that I can pick up they'd be the boss in bed, or they have the desire to be the boss in bed and that they are emotionally even keeled and they don't leap into commitment just from having sex once.
I sincerely don't care about experince. In fact, some of the best sex I've had have been with people FAR less expereinced than me (not diffult lol)

I get judged too. People judge me for having slept with as many people as I have. They insinuate im diseased or untouchable, I have a "stretched out" or "spoiled" vag. That I won't make commitments. That I will use them. Or I'll cheat.

I'm an extremely honest person. And I don't make commitments lightly at all. I consider monogamy to be a promise and a commitment. Because it *IS*. And I don't take that lightly. Not like most lesbians. My heart hurts horribly and I can't bounce back like most others can, so I don't give it often. But I love sex. So I have connected, warm and friendly casual sex between full committed relationships. And I've been in non-monogamous but fully committed relationships.

My sex life started when I was 14.

So I've had a lot of partners. I have been honest, clear, caring, open and not a player. I have safe sex. I get tested. Most people don't do either and it only takes one person. It's not accumulative. Each person does not add to the sexual Lurgy. It takes ONE. So I find it really hypocritical for this idiots to judge me when they have slept with, say only five or six people by the time they are 50 (im 46) but had safe sex with none of them and have never been tested. But I'm the dirty person.

So I hear you. People are really judgmental around sex. They just are. And frankly, when people put themselves as fucking assholes about it, it's actually dodging a bullet. It's best you know those things about those people so you can drop them *immediately* and move on.

There are those of us out there that how many doesn't matter. 0 or tripple digits, it honestly doesn't matter. I *know* what matters in sex for me: creativity, desire, lust, explorative, able to talk about sex openly, enthusiasm. And the need to be the boss. Lol.

Sex skills aren't rocket science. People pick them up super quickly if they are *really* interested. The last person I slept with that wasn't very expereinced told me "I may not be the best first time round, but give me some time to practice and I'll be the best you *ever* had or will have!"

MWREOW sailor! Come use my body like a ginea pig!

Nothing I like better that someone with that kind of enthusiasm!

So don't worry, if it's at all possible. Some of us don't care about experience- at all.

[TruTexan]

Hi Mormegil,
I think everyone here has said bits and pieces of the things I would have said.
Especially on the part about dodging bullets. I think you have dodged a lot of bullets and sometimes we dodge a lot of bullets until we hit the target one so to speak. I think the person for you is out there, you just need to get out there and meet more people and let them find you. Meetup groups are a great way to meet new people to be friends with first before dipping your toes out on a date. Do YOU, the best YOU and let them find you amongst the rest of the group. Enjoy your time being single and that person will find you. Just get out there and mingle a bit so they can find you.

[Daisy Chain]

Personally I would consider it an honor to be someones first.

In fact I would rather be someones first than be in the hands of some self absorbed polished sexologist....reeling off all the text book `sex phrases`, predictably going through the gears of their well rehearsed generic foreplay repertoire and building to a finale enacted so often it has become impersonal.

Why does it have to be, get, set go, both get exactly where they feel they deserve to be, marks out of ten, how was it for me postmortems and is it worth another encounter.

Oh no, far better to take time, have no schedule, make it precious and personnel over time, not one individual session{for want of a better word}. There is nothing sexier than feeling someone has time and interest to really know and understand the person they are making love to, not necessarily what exactly they are going to do, be tentative, a little nervous, falter a little....just want me, all of me, for as long as it takes.

Thats all folks !

Daisy

[Electrocell]

It's hard enough meeting people and getting to know them for a lot of people, but to add your anxiety disorder too the mix it must really be hard . I worked with a guy that had anxiety not sure if it was a social or what kind but he had to be on medication just to work.

I wish you girls or anyone who has this good luck. Maybe you should start your own online social network for people whom have the same systems you have. Then maybe you could find someone who understands what you are going through. Keep your chin up and remember you are someone special because you are you.

[Mormegil]

Thanks for the positive responses. As to where i met the women , some were locals on a dating site. And the one that I was just recently intrested in was at the lgbt church I attend.

I dont go to church all the time , i force myself to go to try and socialize. Its hard for me to go because all of the people cause me alot of anxiety even though they are nice. So i wont be attending service for awhile , but i have started volunteering to groundskeep. I work alone but thats ok.

I have been trying to force myself to socialize for the past few years. But ithe anxiety never completely goes away.

And i have been working on myself. The work on my anxiety is a lifelong task . I tried joining a local group to learn archery , which is a intrest. but the anxiety was to much and i had to leave. I practice calligraphy but thats solo.