Out of reach...

TaylorMade · 06-02-2012, 04:02 PM

I know what I want...I know what needs to be done..But its out of reach..
I made phone calls and emails and nothing..Mind you this search has been off and on for a year...
Was always taught that if there is red flags and stop signs there's a reason..
Don't know..My gf just says breath boo and don't worry about anything..
Like for instance..I have to have a job to afford a place there in NY and i have to have a roof over my head to survive and work..Just want things to go right..Want to be happy with me for once in my life..
The other night for the first time in a very long time I stood there with my shirt off in front of the mirror and didn't look down cause well ..sighs cant do it, but thought..this is the man that my gf loves and wants..tellin myself don't give up Taylor..But with each red flag with each being told no I wonder..
I have to walk around where I live like nothing is wrong, with a fake smile, cause know body understands..or just wouldn't..Someone did say I maybe just to old for all this..and not healthy enough..But I am not a monster with 3 heads..I am human, and I hurt and feel and ache inside like anyone else does..
I am trying..I really am trying to just breath..
Atleast when I was takin the pills that were Ts and they were few and far between I felt human...I felt like the man I am inside..I saw lil changes..I had hope..But medicating myself, and no Dr help was NOT safe for me.
At night as I lay in bed, say prayers for my kids, I think about my Angel (gf), things I want to do, places I want to see, think about getting help..think about being physically transformed into the man I am in my soul..to be accepted, loved, hell even liked, A job, a home, my kids with me, my lady by my side when she can..Then I think this isn't working, being told no I cant help, red flags, maybe I am meant to stay here..But I hate these damn lumps on my chest and just want them to go away.. dammit...
I am trying not to be emotional, or cry...signs of weakness and as some say..Grow a pair and knock it off and get over it..sighs..

Teddybear · 06-02-2012, 04:17 PM

Taylor

I know your pain I live with it also however I learned a long time ago that gender and who we r is how WE see us not what the world tells us WHAT we should see.

I had to learn how to define gender without using breast or genitalia. Open your heart to urself. Dont let some1 or some ppl tell you how you should be or shouldnt be.

It a hard road to travel and NOT all or cut out for it however if its your true path then you will be able to walk it and learn along the way who you are and who you are going to be

If you ever need to talk shoot me a line im here

Your shoes are yours NO one else can fill them

Corkey · 06-02-2012, 04:26 PM

Taylor go to this thread post # 208. Apply.

http://www.butchfemmeplanet.com/foru...ead.php?t=2287

Here is the direct link for the foundation

http://jimcollinsfoundation.org/

DMW · 06-03-2012, 12:05 PM

Hold onto your ass cheeks Talyor. What is said is true. Nobody really knows how bad it is for you. Sometimes words cannot express or placate or suffice the real pain inside.
However, you are not alone... as lonely as it may feel. There are others out there going through the same thing.
I am fortunate...i don't have . well, pardon me but, as i would say,
the "ass on my chest" that was in the wrong place anymore. Maybe i can get a laugh
out
of that. Even if we don't make it through to the other side of the dreams and goals we may want and NEED( in this case)...it is important to keep trying and to not give up.
For if we don't try...we are already failing ourselves. Keep the faith Tayor. Go out and get what you can. Even if it is just bit by bit. It is something. Hell, believe me, i am talking to myself here also.
I know it is so so so so defeating and hard when you go and try and there is nothing there behind the door. and you get your hopes up and think there is a way or think there is support because ...it supposedly exists...out there...somewhere. It's exhausting. It is. I know.
I want you to know...it does exist and we exist and there is hope. there are possibilities for trans people today. That is where the hope lies. We exist and support exists. And that right there...is a beautiful beautiful truth in our lives today.
We may not get the support or receive it right away...but, it is out there and there are possibilities to strive for.
So, it is up to me to keep knocking on doors and to do the work and to find it.
Even if the door shuts or i am disappointed by what is available behind said door...
Gotta keep knocking...the door has many colors.
Believe Taylor and i will too.
Smile

Nadeest · 06-03-2012, 08:34 PM

Taylor, we, each and every one of us, gotta keep trying, come what may. It is hard, I know. Gods, it is! I can't tell you the number of times that I've gone to bed crying, thinking that I couldn't manage to keep going. Yet here I am, still here, despite all the odds against me. Have faith in yourself, and your gf, that a way will be found. I'm here if you want/need to talk. hugs

Nijlon Tala · 06-03-2012, 09:26 PM

If there is one thing your gf has tried to show you is nothing is out of reach. Just have to find the right path to getting what it is your wanting. That path is there. May just have to clear the weeds and your gf will help every step of the way in anyway she knows how. I love you and it just find the patients to find the path that is right.

TaylorMade · 06-04-2012, 12:05 PM

Thank you everyone..its sometimes a roller coaster ride..and its harder when its rough here where I live..
My gf and I are still working on the US.. and I am trying to keep my head together on that. shes great and very patient.
Thanks for the encouragement..u all are great.
I think I will be better once I am home in my baby's arms..
Just taking things day by day...

06-02-2012, 04:02 PM	#1
TaylorMade Junior Member How Do You Identify?: Taylor Preferred Pronoun?: He Relationship Status: Taken Join Date: May 2012 Location: Indiana Posts: 8 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 25 Thanked 42 Times in 8 Posts Rep Power: 0	Out of reach... I know what I want...I know what needs to be done..But its out of reach.. I made phone calls and emails and nothing..Mind you this search has been off and on for a year... Was always taught that if there is red flags and stop signs there's a reason.. Don't know..My gf just says breath boo and don't worry about anything.. Like for instance..I have to have a job to afford a place there in NY and i have to have a roof over my head to survive and work..Just want things to go right..Want to be happy with me for once in my life.. The other night for the first time in a very long time I stood there with my shirt off in front of the mirror and didn't look down cause well ..sighs cant do it, but thought..this is the man that my gf loves and wants..tellin myself don't give up Taylor..But with each red flag with each being told no I wonder.. I have to walk around where I live like nothing is wrong, with a fake smile, cause know body understands..or just wouldn't..Someone did say I maybe just to old for all this..and not healthy enough..But I am not a monster with 3 heads..I am human, and I hurt and feel and ache inside like anyone else does.. I am trying..I really am trying to just breath.. Atleast when I was takin the pills that were Ts and they were few and far between I felt human...I felt like the man I am inside..I saw lil changes..I had hope..But medicating myself, and no Dr help was NOT safe for me. At night as I lay in bed, say prayers for my kids, I think about my Angel (gf), things I want to do, places I want to see, think about getting help..think about being physically transformed into the man I am in my soul..to be accepted, loved, hell even liked, A job, a home, my kids with me, my lady by my side when she can..Then I think this isn't working, being told no I cant help, red flags, maybe I am meant to stay here..But I hate these damn lumps on my chest and just want them to go away.. dammit... I am trying not to be emotional, or cry...signs of weakness and as some say..Grow a pair and knock it off and get over it..sighs.. __________________ "Its not what they call you, its what you answer to"

06-02-2012, 04:26 PM	#3
Corkey Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Human Preferred Pronoun?: He Relationship Status: Very Married Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: Where I want to be Posts: 8,155 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 47,491 Thanked 29,299 Times in 6,640 Posts Rep Power: 21474859	Taylor go to this thread post # 208. Apply. http://www.butchfemmeplanet.com/foru...ead.php?t=2287 Here is the direct link for the foundation http://jimcollinsfoundation.org/ __________________ "Many proposals have been made to us to adopt your laws, your religion, your manners and your customs. We would be better pleased with beholding the good effects of these doctrines in your own practices, than with hearing you talk about them". ~Old Tassel, Chief of the Tsalagi (Cherokee) Last edited by Corkey; 06-02-2012 at 04:35 PM.

06-04-2012, 12:05 PM	#7
TaylorMade Junior Member How Do You Identify?: Taylor Preferred Pronoun?: He Relationship Status: Taken Join Date: May 2012 Location: Indiana Posts: 8 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 25 Thanked 42 Times in 8 Posts Rep Power: 0	Thank you Thank you everyone..its sometimes a roller coaster ride..and its harder when its rough here where I live.. My gf and I are still working on the US.. and I am trying to keep my head together on that. shes great and very patient. Thanks for the encouragement..u all are great. I think I will be better once I am home in my baby's arms.. Just taking things day by day... __________________ "Its not what they call you, its what you answer to"

06-02-2012, 04:17 PM	#2
Teddybear Senior Member How Do You Identify?: by my name Preferred Pronoun?: He, him Relationship Status: single Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: Here there everywhere. Posts: 2,097 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 4,620 Thanked 6,239 Times in 1,687 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	Taylor I know your pain I live with it also however I learned a long time ago that gender and who we r is how WE see us not what the world tells us WHAT we should see. I had to learn how to define gender without using breast or genitalia. Open your heart to urself. Dont let some1 or some ppl tell you how you should be or shouldnt be. It a hard road to travel and NOT all or cut out for it however if its your true path then you will be able to walk it and learn along the way who you are and who you are going to be If you ever need to talk shoot me a line im here Your shoes are yours NO one else can fill them

06-03-2012, 12:05 PM	#4
DMW Member How Do You Identify?: FTM/Male (Will 14) Relationship Status: Caught An Angel and she doesn't lie! Join Date: May 2012 Location: @ Posts: 784 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,256 Thanked 1,861 Times in 614 Posts Rep Power: 21474849	Hold onto your ass cheeks Talyor. What is said is true. Nobody really knows how bad it is for you. Sometimes words cannot express or placate or suffice the real pain inside. However, you are not alone... as lonely as it may feel. There are others out there going through the same thing. I am fortunate...i don't have . well, pardon me but, as i would say, the "ass on my chest" that was in the wrong place anymore. Maybe i can get a laugh out of that. Even if we don't make it through to the other side of the dreams and goals we may want and NEED( in this case)...it is important to keep trying and to not give up. For if we don't try...we are already failing ourselves. Keep the faith Tayor. Go out and get what you can. Even if it is just bit by bit. It is something. Hell, believe me, i am talking to myself here also. I know it is so so so so defeating and hard when you go and try and there is nothing there behind the door. and you get your hopes up and think there is a way or think there is support because ...it supposedly exists...out there...somewhere. It's exhausting. It is. I know. I want you to know...it does exist and we exist and there is hope. there are possibilities for trans people today. That is where the hope lies. We exist and support exists. And that right there...is a beautiful beautiful truth in our lives today. We may not get the support or receive it right away...but, it is out there and there are possibilities to strive for. So, it is up to me to keep knocking on doors and to do the work and to find it. Even if the door shuts or i am disappointed by what is available behind said door... Gotta keep knocking...the door has many colors. Believe Taylor and i will too. Smile

06-03-2012, 08:34 PM	#5
Nadeest Member How Do You Identify?: as myself Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: Single Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: Leesburg, FL Posts: 595 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,876 Thanked 2,118 Times in 501 Posts Rep Power: 17077996	Taylor, we, each and every one of us, gotta keep trying, come what may. It is hard, I know. Gods, it is! I can't tell you the number of times that I've gone to bed crying, thinking that I couldn't manage to keep going. Yet here I am, still here, despite all the odds against me. Have faith in yourself, and your gf, that a way will be found. I'm here if you want/need to talk. hugs

06-03-2012, 09:26 PM	#6
Nijlon Tala Junior Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: She Join Date: May 2012 Location: NYC Posts: 2 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3 Thanked 7 Times in 2 Posts Rep Power: 0	If there is one thing your gf has tried to show you is nothing is out of reach. Just have to find the right path to getting what it is your wanting. That path is there. May just have to clear the weeds and your gf will help every step of the way in anyway she knows how. I love you and it just find the patients to find the path that is right.