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Breakups, Lessons Learned, Healing PLEASE do not use this forum for ugliness or nasty posts.

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Old 05-20-2011, 08:34 PM   #21
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I must be pretty cold or detached because I've not experienced grieving. What I experienced was being upset with myself for ignoring red flags, letting things go on too long and kicking myself for always being broke after a relationship.

Maybe I was too busy being pissed to grieve.
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Old 05-21-2011, 03:43 AM   #22
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Originally Posted by sassy_girl View Post
I must be pretty cold or detached because I've not experienced grieving. What I experienced was being upset with myself for ignoring red flags, letting things go on too long and kicking myself for always being broke after a relationship.

Maybe I was too busy being pissed to grieve.
I have experienced this. I have a lot of trouble letting relationships go, even bad relationships. I always feel that if. I. just. hang. on. a. little. bit. longer. we might fix this thing... Of course I know it's rubbish, I know I'm unhappy, I know the likelihood of it getting better is minimal, yet still I hang on as I've invested time, emotions, and wardrobe space into making it work. When I finally give up I feel relief first, then annoyance at myself for being so stupid as to let it go on too long and even more fury if I let them drain me financially before finally giving them the boot. I only grieve the people I loved (not that I'm implying you didn't love your partners).
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Old 05-21-2011, 05:41 AM   #23
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I have experienced this. I have a lot of trouble letting relationships go, even bad relationships. I always feel that if. I. just. hang. on. a. little. bit. longer. we might fix this thing... Of course I know it's rubbish, I know I'm unhappy, I know the likelihood of it getting better is minimal, yet still I hang on as I've invested time, emotions, and wardrobe space into making it work. When I finally give up I feel relief first, then annoyance at myself for being so stupid as to let it go on too long and even more fury if I let them drain me financially before finally giving them the boot. I only grieve the people I loved (not that I'm implying you didn't love your partners).
exactly. I am wiser now
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Old 05-21-2011, 06:51 AM   #24
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"We think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don't really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It's just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy."


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Old 05-21-2011, 11:24 AM   #25
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Thank you so very much for posting this from Pema - she is an amazing amazing human being!

She has touched my soul in many ways and her wisdom is timeless!



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"We think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don't really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It's just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy."


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Old 05-21-2011, 06:02 PM   #26
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I have been in love and in relationships. I grieved differently each time, Because each one brought something special to me and our relatiosnhip. The relatiosnhip that brought me most pain was the one that betrayed me. I knew this women wanted someone to carry her financially she liked money and although I did my best as a husband to provided, it was not enough. After our break up I learned that she has met a women that has plenty of money.. she found a pot of Gold, I now know why she pushed our friendship away.


I feel protected by the universe, I also know that I will always be a giving,loving caring guy that is my innate nature but much wiser. I could see and feel who deserves my heart attentions and Money.

I am reading
HICH NHAT HANH
Anger

Pema Chodron
The places that Scare You.
I suggest these books
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Old 05-21-2011, 07:57 PM   #27
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I honestly feel that the Universe takes care of us in ways we don't understand. Each relationship I have had, I feel, had a reason for it. It was never meant to be forever, I chose to leave each one, because the time with that person had ran it's course, even though I may have thought it should have lasted forever in the beginning.

Looking back I know there was a lesson, I got the lessons, thank you Universe for letting me come out with my sanity (questionable) and preparing me for the future.
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Old 05-22-2011, 09:00 AM   #28
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Default Pretty much it's exactly like this.



"stuck on the porn phase."

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Old 05-22-2011, 09:25 AM   #29
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I think too, it's important to understand that the other person may not grieve for the same length as you do. Just because they have moved on to another relationship doesn't necessarilly mean they aren't grieving some of the loss of the relationship as well.

Someone mentioned earliler too that the person ending the relationship may not grieve, but I disagree. They still grieve the loss of what they thought they had, the future they were hoping to make, and the time they may have invested in this relationship before realizing that it wasn't quite the right one.

So yes we all grieve, and that's ok.

A
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Old 05-22-2011, 03:17 PM   #30
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^ agree totally.
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Old 05-23-2011, 05:33 PM   #31
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Default It's also a lot like this.


And you just have to get over it.



I'm not going to think about how for a long time it really seemed like it was going to work out.



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Old 05-29-2011, 06:24 AM   #32
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There are places I remember,all my life though some have changed. Some forever not for better,some have gone and some remain. All these places have their moments with lovers and friends I can recall. Some are dead and some are living in my life i've loved them all - The Beatles.
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Old 06-23-2011, 07:56 AM   #33
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Merlin View Post
Does anyone agree here that when you break up with someone you go through a form of grieving ?
I am almost embarrassed to admit how long it has taken me to get over my relationship-5 years of grieving. It was not the death of a person but death of hopes, dreams, plans, shared experiences & the belief we would be together forever. In my defense (I know I do not need to defend!) we lived together 18 years. It was also my choice-not hers. I thought that would make it easier but it wasn't. I have no regrets, I learned so much from her & still love her but no longer in love with her. All of a sudden I knew I was finished grieving and could move on. Funny how life works like that!
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Old 08-24-2011, 11:19 AM   #34
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I'm grieving right now. Sitting here at the computer, a hopeless blubbering mess.

The end of this most recent relationship has unexpectedly triggered memories of a relationship that truly, truly broke me. I not only lost my lover, I lost my best friend, our community of friends, and ten years worth of memories.


I'm grieving the person I was before this happened, when I could let people in and trust them. Now all I do is second guess myself, second guess them, and worry that I'll be abandoned again.

I know I have work to do. I've spent the last three years working very, very hard on myself, But I'm backsliding right now and it is painful.

Thanks for letting me share this.
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Old 08-24-2011, 11:25 AM   #35
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I do agree that when there is a breakup (especially when you're with someone for awhile and you thought they were "the one") that you will grieve. It is normal. I think with this grieving period it is important to get a closure. Talk to the person if you can, understand why it didn't work. Take time to accept it. Take time for yourself. Take time to realize their mistakes and yours and move on from it growing and learning and being a better person. It doesn't mean you have to close yourself off from the world, family, and friends, but it does help to take time for yourself and figure out what went wrong and be okay with moving on. It takes time. It will make you a stronger person and in time you will be ready to open your heart again to experience and love.
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Old 08-24-2011, 11:30 AM   #36
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On a personal note I went through this in the past year and a half. I was with someone who I thought was it for me. I wanted to make it work so bad. I wanted to be with her forever I thought. However, God doesn't always want that for you. It took me awhile to figure it out and move on from this relationship. Now, I am happy. I talk to her still. I love her and care for her still. She has a special place in my heart and always will. However, I can't control people or love. I can only have the feelings I have and trust in faith and God that things work out for reasons unknown.. and for me it's because I haven't found "the one." It is okay to have the great memories and grieve and pray for strength and faith to get through a breakup and know that better things await you. (:
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Old 08-24-2011, 11:42 AM   #37
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lettertodaddy
I'm grieving right now. Sitting here at the computer, a hopeless blubbering mess.

The end of this most recent relationship has unexpectedly triggered memories of a relationship that truly, truly broke me. I not only lost my lover, I lost my best friend, our community of friends, and ten years worth of memories.


I'm grieving the person I was before this happened, when I could let people in and trust them. Now all I do is second guess myself, second guess them, and worry that I'll be abandoned again.

I know I have work to do. I've spent the last three years working very, very hard on myself, But I'm backsliding right now and it is painful.

Thanks for letting me share this.
((((((((((letter)))))))))) Its so hard to let go, and it turns us into a mess of emotions and self doubt and we are left to wonder why does this happen to us? I still experience grief and losing certain relationships that I thought were forever but as much as love can leave you a broken wing one day you will fly again and everything will be okay

Quote:
Originally Posted by ruffryder_0187
On a personal note I went through this in the past year and a half. I was with someone who I thought was it for me. I wanted to make it work so bad. I wanted to be with her forever I thought. However, God doesn't always want that for you. It took me awhile to figure it out and move on from this relationship. Now, I am happy. I talk to her still. I love her and care for her still. She has a special place in my heart and always will. However, I can't control people or love. I can only have the feelings I have and trust in faith and God that things work out for reasons unknown.. and for me it's because I haven't found "the one." It is okay to have the great memories and grieve and pray for strength and faith to get through a breakup and know that better things await you. (:
This is *SO* very true bro, thank you for posting it ~ sometimes we need to see it in order to be able to hear it :-)
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Old 08-27-2011, 05:48 AM   #38
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Originally Posted by pajara2 View Post
I think too, it's important to understand that the other person may not grieve for the same length as you do. Just because they have moved on to another relationship doesn't necessarilly mean they aren't grieving some of the loss of the relationship as well.

Someone mentioned earliler too that the person ending the relationship may not grieve, but I disagree. They still grieve the loss of what they thought they had, the future they were hoping to make, and the time they may have invested in this relationship before realizing that it wasn't quite the right one.

So yes we all grieve, and that's ok.

A
Agree. I coped with a horrendous breakup once by jumping into a new relationship. I ended up grieving for 2 years! I knew I was better when I could finally look at my life and want something more for myself.
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Old 08-27-2011, 08:18 AM   #39
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I haven't seen hind nor hair of my wife since last Spring. She's probably camping in a corn field waiting for the Mother Ship If anyone meets a femme who claims to be the first gay woman Jesus, that's my wife... Tell her to come home please

















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Old 08-27-2011, 10:09 AM   #40
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There are so many layers of healing I have discovered.

It is as though I were an onion, pulling/tearing off layer by layer.

The first one was the bitter pill of betrayal that repeated unfaithfulness did to both my outer layer as well as the deepest core of me.

This bitter, angry layer was healed and acceptance of what was, and choices I made, soon followed.

Somehow, I thought that once I reached peace, acceptance and the end of outward grieving; I could move on.

Only to find...

that the very core of my onion self is so scarred by all of those years, that I have truly lost the ability to trust myself, my own feelings, the love and care of another. I am so unsure that I will recognize goodness again that I am fearful if pulling off the scar tissue that protects the core of me.

My intellect tells me clearly life holds no guarantees and surely my life has proven nothing but this idiom to be true, but my emotions, that ability to once again open my heart totally and completely, are fused with that scar tissue and I fear tearing it off so much it terrifies me.

I just do not know at the point if I fear living alone for the rest of my life more than I do the fear of believing once again that I just might chose a person of goodness and worthy of my trust.

I used to know so clearly who I was and that I could make good and healthy choices for myself. I just do not trust me anymore.
__________________
~Anya~




Democracy Dies in Darkness

~Washington Post


"...I'm deeply concerned by recently adopted policies which punish children for their parents’ actions ... The thought that any State would seek to deter parents by inflicting such abuse on children is unconscionable."

UN Human Rights commissioner
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