I don't think she's out there

[lettertodaddy]

Originally Posted by fever

letter, I hear you. And, until recently, I felt the same way you do. What all of the people who have spoken to your post don't realize, is that there AREN'T many butches here. And, the few that are here, are either already partnered or dating other butches.

This is Canada, where we have same/sex privileges in abundance. But, the number of femme to butch ratio is about 50 to 1. And then, that 1 is usually an andro butch.

OMG. YES. And I realize I'm typing in all caps but YES. THIS.

I read an article recently in the Vancouver sun that said something to the effect that of all the Canadian cities, Vancouver is the most remote, the most distant, and the most difficult to make friends in. I've lived here 11 years, and I can count the friends I have on one hand. Only a couple of them are queer, and only one of them is single (and she's not interested in me). I've heard other people who moved here from elsewhere say pretty much the same thing - that this is a really tough town to make friends in.

So, it is true my dear. We can attend functions, dances, pub night in Langley, Rascals play parties, and perhaps a single, Top, stone, Daddi might appear. We can dream, right? lol

Give me a shout if you wish. We can organize a femme tea???

That's another thing - so many butches seem to live in the far suburbs like Langley, Abbotsford, Chilliwack, or even Squamish. What's an intown femme to do?

A femme tea does sound like fun, though.

A femme tea sounds like fun!

[tazz]

[QUOTE=lettertodaddy;492699]OMG. YES. And I realize I'm typing in all caps but YES. THIS.

I read an article recently in the Vancouver sun that said something to the effect that of all the Canadian cities, Vancouver is the most remote, the most distant, and the most difficult to make friends in. I've lived here 11 years, and I can count the friends I have on one hand. Only a couple of them are queer, and only one of them is single (and she's not interested in me). I've heard other people who moved here from elsewhere say pretty much the same thing - that this is a really tough town to make friends in.


***lettertodaddy... so is SF/Oakland for that matter! i'm right there beside you in this.
for me, the bay area has become soooo big that it is really often difficult to find true friends.
i have the same amount of friends as you, and only two are queer and coupled off. the other is actually moving to Minnesota first week of Jan. and wants me to move there too.

you may have to go outside your "comfort zone" and city to find more of a community.

it's tough... but Not impossible. hang in there... and eventually things will come around full circle.

[Kobi]

I'm with Tapu and Gemme on this one. Perfection, to me, is seeking an image, a persona, a caricature, a fantasy rather than an actual person. The internet makes it easy to hold to this search for "perfection" all over the world.

I care most about who someone is, not the personas I commonly find. And, I find it takes a heck of a lot of work to get past the persona to find the real person hidden underneath.

And, as a butch, I find there are many of us out there. In our shallow moments, we might expound on our fantasy femmes. But when the macha shit wears off, there is a certain kind of person we are looking for.

Packaging might get my attention but it is the present inside that is going to keep it.

[*Anya*]

I have nothing new to add on the pursuit of perfection. It is illusory and does not exist for any of us. If I am an imperfect human, how could I possibily expect perfection in another? It is a set-up for failure.

I was depressed and sad for a long time. The thing with depression is that it is an endless loop that begins to feel like all is hopeless. The more hopeless one feels, the more isolative I became. How could I possibly meet anyone if I risked nothing? Not possible.

The passing of the years finally got to me. I realized that I just had to take action myself! I had to put myself out there, get active on the Planet, join a lesbian dating site-go out on dates, just for the experience, gain confidence in myself again-even if no chemistry, I met some nice butches; the better I felt, the more I smiled at strangers and surprise of surprise- they smiled back (including a cute butch where I work, who did a double-take when I smiled at her and smiled back really big).

My point is that special butch really will not knock on the door without risking yourself. They are out there. The better I felt, the more they came to me! Funny how that works.

I realized that I have choices for how to be. I chose to have a life, to take some risks with my heart, I chose to be happy and to believe that love is on my horizon and is getting closer by the day...so close that I can almost reach out and touch it...

Never, ever, give up!

[lettertodaddy]

I have to say I'm a little confused why so many people hung up on the word "perfect" in my post.

Have any of you heard the song "I'm not perfect, but I'm perfect for you" by Grace Jones? That's the concept I'm thinking of.

We all have a notion of what we want in life, what type and temperament of person will complement us best. I don't seek perfection in a human being. We are all fantastically flawed. Still and yet, I think that there is nothing wrong with wanting to pursue the "perfect fit" when it comes to a partner. I spent 10 years with someone who wasn't a perfect fit, and tried every day of those 10 years to make it work, to just make do, to settle and accept what I had.

No more.

Compromise and working together are fine, but so is wanting a love that is perfect for me.

[lettertodaddy]

Originally Posted by *Anya*

The passing of the years finally got to me. I realized that I just had to take action myself! I had to put myself out there, get active on the Planet, join a lesbian dating site-go out on dates, just for the experience, gain confidence in myself again

Hi Anya,

This is what I've been doing for the last three years. I haven't been active here but I've been active elsewhere and in my offline life. I've been putting myself out there more in the last three years than I ever have in my life before, and I'm frustrated with the diminishing returns I'm getting.

So I got a cat for companionship, decided I'd leave my profile up on dating sites (but not check my inbox or anything), and thought it would be best to get off the merry-go-round for awhile.

A person gets tired after a while, you know?

[*Anya*]

Originally Posted by lettertodaddy

Hi Anya,

This is what I've been doing for the last three years. I haven't been active here but I've been active elsewhere and in my offline life. I've been putting myself out there more in the last three years than I ever have in my life before, and I'm frustrated with the diminishing returns I'm getting.

So I got a cat for companionship, decided I'd leave my profile up on dating sites (but not check my inbox or anything), and thought it would be best to get off the merry-go-round for awhile.

A person gets tired after a while, you know?

I do understand LTD. My 19-year relationship ended 10 years ago. We dragged it out, living separately for a couple of years after we stopped living together but I was essentially single.

I used to feel really embarrassed by how long it had been that I was alone but
it was what it was and it was where I was at.

I do live in a large metropolitan area, true, but I have met butches living in Seattle, Arizona, Baja Ca, one from Costa Rica who wanted to fly me to meet her (tempting but a pass), as well as local butches.

I only speak for me. I let my world become very small and lonely. I had given up on some level. For myself, I am glad that I did not let my depression swallow me whole. It could have.

Hugs sister femme,

[The_Lady_Snow]

You could always do some research and see where there's a big queer population, save up your money move and let the dating begin!!!!

[scootebaby]

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

You could always do some research and see where there's a big queer population, save up your money move and let the dating begin!!!!

Snow is always so helpful! I like the idea though. If they dont come to you,go to them!

[The_Lady_Snow]

Originally Posted by scootebaby

Snow is always so helpful! I like the idea though. If they dont come to you,go to them!

Right!???

Plus it's a new city, new adventures, new everythings!

[AtLast]

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

You could always do some research and see where there's a big queer population, save up your money move and let the dating begin!!!!

Makes sense to me- come to the Bay Area of CA!! hello queer populations!!

[Ciaran]

Originally Posted by lettertodaddy

So I got a cat for companionship, decided I'd leave my profile up on dating sites (but not check my inbox or anything), and thought it would be best to get off the merry-go-round for awhile.

In my very limited experience, I've found that I've been offered dates and sometimes stumbled blindly into the path of possible love when I've been off the merry-go-round. Whereas when I've actively tried to find a relationship, it's never happened (or, even worse, has had "disaster" written all over it from day one).

Maybe just me but if I were to consciously seek out a bone fide relationship, I just don't think it would happen.

[Kobi]

Sorry for the error in interpreting how you were using the word perfect. Perfect partner makes my thinking go in a certain direction. Perfect fit or match leads me in another direction.

Have you tried any of the meetup.com groups? There are a few geared to the LGBT community in the Vancouver and surrounding area. Might lead to some other not so visible stuff or at least broaden the field a bit.

[Ciaran]

Originally Posted by popcorninthesofa

I've seen alot of relationships in my life living in Chicago, but never like the one my neighbors/friends Jessica and Tom had. It was perfect.Too perfect. Only one argument, eerie, weird, queer, throw up a little in your mouth perfect. For a long time, I wracked my brains trying to discover what their big secret was., and when it finially hit me, it was so simple and shock proof. Jessica and Tom were'nt having sex. They were platonic friends.

Not trying to stray off-topic but, in my view, a relationship can be 100% real and passionate but sexless. In fact, there are some of us who prefer sex outside of relationships and prefer relationships without sex (although it's usually complicated by partners or potential partners who don't necessarily share such an outlook).

[JustJo]

Hey letter...I can completely relate. I don't need perfect as in flawless....but I do need "perfect for me".....and sometimes that feels like an impossibility.

In a weird way I'm lucky...I was dwelling in the same feeling...and got my butt kicked out of it by more pressing problems in my life.

Now, any butch who's interested is going to have to hang around and wait...and I don't know how long...or pitch in and help...because I have more critical things to do.

Wishing you all the best.

[JustJo]

Originally Posted by popcorninthesofa

I've seen alot of relationships in my life living in Chicago, but never like the one my neighbors/friends Jessica and Tom had. It was perfect.Too perfect. Only one argument, eerie, weird, queer, throw up a little in your mouth perfect. For a long time, I wracked my brains trying to discover what their big secret was., and when it finially hit me, it was so simple and shock proof. Jessica and Tom were'nt having sex. They were platonic friends.

Originally Posted by Ciaran

Not trying to stray off-topic but, in my view, a relationship can be 100% real and passionate but sexless. In fact, there are some of us who prefer sex outside of relationships and prefer relationships without sex (although it's usually complicated by partners or potential partners who don't necessarily share such an outlook).

That wouldn't work for me....ever. For me, that would be a dear friend...but not a partner.

Obviously we're all different...but no...just no.

[Liam]

Every time I have entertained the notion that "she is not out there," I haven't had to dig too deep to realise that my fear is doing the talking, and that I'm afraid she isn't out there, which is totally different from she isn't out there. I'm not saying that is true for you, but it might be something to think about, if you already haven't. I wish you the best of luck in maintaining your hope.

[ruby_woo]

If you guys are organizing a femme tea, please let me know. My 8+ year relationship just ended fucking yesterday (seriously, who gets dumped on Boxing Day?), and could def use some girls right now. I agree, this is a tough town to make friends in.

((Letter)) Hugs to you, I hope you find happiness soon...

[scootebaby]

Originally Posted by Ciaran

Not trying to stray off-topic but, in my view, a relationship can be 100% real and passionate but sexless. In fact, there are some of us who prefer sex outside of relationships and prefer relationships without sex (although it's usually complicated by partners or potential partners who don't necessarily share such an outlook).

Ciaran,

i can kinda relate to this statement..mainly because to me sex does not equate love...just bc i wanna have sex with someone or vice versa does not mean i or they are in love...Sex to me is not a be all end all of a relationship.But that is just me.

ok back to the original topic of the thread!!

[Blue_Daddy-O]

I have been in that same place...wondering if my imperfect mate died before I could get to her, because it felt like I would never find her. Letter, your love is out there. You will find each other. Don't ever give up believing. And when you least expect it.... POOOOOF! LoL. Well I take that back. It isn't always POOOF when you least expect it. That's just Cow Patties. Eeeewwww. I have stepped in a few of those. It does happen when you're looking too, putting yourself out there, being happy, after feeling depressed for a spell, meeting others, being patient and back to impatient... and then POOOOOOF!! LoL. It happens. Love, standing right in front of you. Waiting for you to seize the moment.

Don't forget to feed your soul while you're waiting. And take good care of your new Kitty friend and don't kick Kitty out of the bed when your new love arrives.