Femmes: How do you like to be treated on a date?

[Soft*Silver]

Opening of doors and etc are givens. Those must be done. I am an old school femme, that never changes.

At this stage of the game, I am unwilling to pay for dinner. I have paid my dues, thank you.If you cant pay for dinner, you cant afford me. I dont mean you need money but you need to be successful enough in life to hold your own. I am not taking care of, financially nor emotionally, another human being. And if you cant pay for dinner, thats a clear sign for me that one of the two of the forementioned might be a likelihood.

Be sober. I dont care if you have a drink with dinner but by god, dont be a lush. Its SO over, the excuses of why you arent too drunk. At my age, if you are drunk at dinner, you are simply just an old drunk and I wont bother with you...

Dress nice. Dont show up with stains or wrinkles or odd smells. I dont care what your excuse is. I count more than those excuses. BTW...horse smells arent odd smells...

Pay attention to me. Be present. Dont go wonder off into lala land and all your worries. Nor let me catch your eye on some other girl. Have some conversation starters and know how to listen as well as talk. And talk. the strong silent ones are so not cool anymore. If you cant talk to me, its not a good date.

Be civil..I love what the other gals said about being nice to the wait staff. was having dinner with a coworker one day and was totally appalled by her behavior toward them. I never hung out with her again. and that was just a coworker...

Know what you are getting into, before the date. I am not the girl i use to be. Dont expect me to be submissive and dainty. I am also not "down and dirty". I am ladylike and sweet, funny and flirty, but very strong and independent. I am not needy and in trouble. I am also not trouble. Dont come at me like a knight in shining armour...lol on my word pun. I am with you for dinner, not for rescue...

have clean breath

be yourself. I am out with you because something about YOU tickled my fancy. Dont put on airs or try to impress me by changing ...be true to who you are...that makes the best date!

Show up with a gift. A single red rose. A cd for us to listen to that I get to take home and keep. A little horse to add to my collection (you would know I collect palomino knick knacks)

Take photos during the date and post them on your facebook so that the world would know we went out. Show me you are happy to be with me...proud of it.

Dont assume sex. it wont happen. Not at the age I am at..the age of self preservation. I cant provide intimacy just because we like each other. I need far more than that. I think dating has lost its definition.It was originally meant as a process to find the "one". And its ok that we dont need to hang on for "one" anymore. But I do think we threw the baby out with the bath water and jumped into bed too soon too often..speaking for myself...the "we" meaning myself, past and up to the present. I have been dating and havent had sex on a date in forever. I tell people it will take at least a year. LOL> you should see their expressions. Some view it as a challenge. They fall to the wayside when they cant pace themselves. Sex happens....but not too fast...too soon...

oh...dont even kid about ordering horse meat. I will punch you.

[amiyesiam]

Originally Posted by Nina

Gayla got 8 postcards from the area...put a note and a stamp on each one and sent them all the way across country to C. and A. in Pa...they are also doing the postcard exchange and agreed to mail them out using my PO address, which Gayla does not have...it was really really really a sweet surprise...

that's one thing that I, as the Nina-Femme, appreciated as a date...

Oh this was so much fun
you will never know how happy I was
knowing that you were gonna get a surprise
I am such a geek
and
you took forever to get to the post office


so dating
I don't date
Corkey won't let me
Not sure why that is (snort)
anyway
being the odd duck that I am
while I LOVE surprising other people (those that actually love to be surprised)
I personally don't care to be surprised (ever)
I love knowing exactly what I am getting for B-day etc weeks ahead of time and joyfully waiting till I get it.
I prefer (read want/need) to be involved in the planning of my life
so back in the day (before marriage)
I liked to plan dates together
split the costs or take turns
being polite etc is a given
treating others well is a given
but then so is living within one's means
being able to be yourself and being able to relax
I really want to be comfortable, feel excepted, etc and want the other person to feel that way too.
cause ya know at some point if things work out you may end up living together
personally I don't want to live together and be all formal
home is the place you get to relax and escape from the world
if you are a beer drinking, sports watching in your boxers kind of butch well then you better let that special femme know that side of you exists. Though I would not recommend wearing just boxers on the first date
It is nice if you also clean up well and do know how to behave in public.
Be honest, be honest, be honest
no one is perfect
and we all have our querks

[Starbuck]

I am a simple femme; I am neither comfortable with fancy restaurants or the stuffy clothes you wear to fancy restaurants. On the other hand, I do like for us to get dressed up once in a while, say for a special occasion like my love's b-day.

Since I consider myself a simple femme, just spending time together is fine for me. We don't have to 'do' anything, we can just 'be'. Does that make sense?

Put away the cell phone! Don't play the games on your phone or get on Twitter or Facebook while on a date with me.

I really enjoy eye contact while we are talking, it lets me know you are listening to me. I also enjoy sitting outside in the evening, using that time to get to know each other is priceless.

As I've seen in other posts I agree completely that good oral hygiene is a must!

[imperfect_cupcake]

as for who pays? the asker. If I ask you out, I pay. You ask me out, you pay. Asker picks restaurant and informs when asking. good idea to have a plan B in case someone has food sensitivities.

I *have* been caught out by this before by thinking this was fairly common - it's not in London! I was butt broke and this very suave suited and booted butch solicitor (UK for Lawyer) asked me out for a light dinner on the south bank of the thames, outside table, bit of dimsum. Ok, I thought, that's nice, sure. I take £10 with me, just in case, and head off.

I arrive and it's way more expensive than I thought but that's ok, she's picked it, she asked me, I'll just go light and let her order mostly. As we are talking before the waiter comes I start to get this feeling she's more southern english butch than northern or the kind of butch in North america.... that means everything I might assume goes out the window. This also means she hasn't dated much. they don't really "date" here... that would mean she doesn't know date manners/rituals of the kind I'm used to. ergo, I'm going to have to have a glass of water and a salad with my £10 in this very expensive place.

So I don't order any wine, I turn down, politely, her offer to buy a bottle. I then order an appetiser as my meal. She orders several buckets of dim sum. Offers me some. I say no thanks, I'm not very hungry. oh go on have a few and places four on my plate. I don't touch them till close to the end of the meal.

after a rather awkward date where I realise that although I've met with her casually a couple times at events, this is a no goer. different lifestyle. she doesn't pay attention well either. talks about herself a bit too much in a very boring way and takes herself way too seriously. generalises too much.

when the bill arrives she looks at it and says "split this down the middle, shall we?" with a big happy non-observant grin.
"actually, if you don't mind, I'm just going to pay for mine. I've only got a tenner on me." which came out a bit frosty. I think she was a bit bruised by that. Her tone changed and she sounded a bit hurt.

I rushed away with a lot of relief.

serves me right for making assumptions about people and dating and I should have stated right at the beginning about my budget.

Inki did try to pay for me as often as possible, bless her, and we always have a small wrestle over the bags. I've learned to just let her carry them and say thank you. she means only to be of use and I appreciate it when she takes the awkward bags when we cycle home from shopping. She find me chairs when my feet hurt when we are out, she always gives me the seat on the train. But to assume she will do this for all femmes is a mistake, she'll promptly tell a femme to fuck off at an event if she wants a chair that inki has, simply because she's girly and inki's a butch and therefore has chair rights. She doesn't do the gender divide. she does it because it's me. not because I'm a femme. That feels special.

[sweetiefemme]

I don't mind being treated, but it has to go both ways once in a while. I also don't mind a great homemade picnic down at a park or somewhere pretty, a walk along the river gives a great chance to talk and get to know one another.

[Library_girl]

Originally Posted by sweetiefemme

I don't mind being treated, but it has to go both ways once in a while. I also don't mind a great homemade picnic down at a park or somewhere pretty, a walk along the river gives a great chance to talk and get to know one another.

Originally Posted by atomiczombie

I was talking to someone in the chat room the other night and I made the remark that I can't afford date anyone right now. The femme I was talking to asked me why I feel that it takes money, and for me it comes down to how I treat a femme on a date.

For *ME*, it takes money to date a femme properly. No, I would never take a femme to McDonald's for a date. I may not take her to the fanciest place for dinner, but it should be nice. 60$ is not an unreasonable amount to spend on a nice meal with a girl. Then there is all the grooming. A fresh haircut every 2 weeks; getting a car wash before each date because who wants to be picked up in a dirty car??; Having freshly cleaned and pressed clothes that are dress-casual to dressy. (Jeans are fine if you have a dress shirt and tie to go with them.) And, bring her a small gift with each date, usually flowers, but it could be something else that she likes, such as candy or something else. Buy her drinks if you are at a bar.

Things that don't cost money but are essential to me are: Be freshly showered before each date! Open every door for her; pull out her chair for her; allow her to order her food first; ask her first if you want to hold her hand or kiss her (that's just good manners). If you like how she looks or her smile or how she smells or the things that she says, or wears, then tell her. Let her talk about herself, and don't dominate the conversation with things about you. Don't use a lot of swear words. Don't talk about your exes!! Don't be in a rush to get into bed; try to get to know her, who she is and what she is like. Listen to her. Ask her what kind of things she enjoys doing, what kind of food she likes, etc. so if she agrees to another date, you can plan your next date around things she enjoys. Don't do the same thing every single date - try to plan a variety of activities. Thank her for spending time with you, and if you really like her and want to see her again, don't wait more than 2 days to call her. Don't call her the very next day, either. Give room, but not too much room. Don't blow up her phone with text messages either, but saying you had a good time is important.

The person I was discussing this with said she had never been treated this way on a date, and I was kind of surprised. She told me I should start a thread about dating, so here it is:

Femmes, how do you like to be treated on a date? I think all of us people on the masculine spectrum should know what you ladies would like and what you think is important. I know not all femmes are the same and like the exact same things, so having as much feed back as possible is really appreciated! Also, some feed back about what NOT to do would be helpful too! Stories about both good dates and bad ones are welcome! I personally would really like to know how to be a better date so that someday, if I ever can afford to date again, I can do it better. Thanks in advance!

Atomic.........First let me say, your ideas about dating sound wonderful! This femme thinks you are doing everything right. But I'll give you my insights! I went on a very nice date today, and here are some things that stood out. She opened the car door for me each time, then waited until I was "settled" in the car before closing the car door. (nice detail!!) She opened all of the other doors too. She paid, but I would have been happy to split since it was a first date. But she insisted, and I kind of liked that. During the date, there was constant eye contact, which is important. Excellent manners, such as not interrupting each other, good table manners, no cell phone, etc.--all very good! Also, affirmations or confirmations that the date is going well (if it is) are really appreciated, during the date. "This is fun", or "I'm having a great time", are wonderful to hear. Yes, the compliments are nice too! I never expect flowers or gifts, but I would love such a thing if it were done.

The definite DON'Ts are:
-using your cell phone (unless it's an understandable emergency)
-talking about exes extensively
-talking about one subject forever
-not focusing on your date
-checking your watch

As I said, I think you are doing everything right. Not all femmes are the same, but in my humble opinion, you are certainly on the right track. Paying attention to what the femme likes is so important and so considerate. When you do that, and pay attention to all the sweet little details....those are the things that make my heart go pitter-patter.

And on a final note, you are right, it does take some finances to date, but many women enjoy the free/cheap things in life too! Parks, museums, beaches, street fairs, etc. are all great things to do!

Good luck in your quest! (I think you'll be fabulous!)

[Venus007]

I like to be treated as someone who is valuable and to be reckoned with.
I want the person I am with to err on the side of manners and respectfulness. I want them to quote their sources and not shy away from deep conversation. If they are witty to boot, well that makes the evening all the better.

[Martina]

Originally Posted by Venus007

I want them to quote their sources and not shy away from deep conversation.

You discriminate against plagiarizers! And what about menopausal folks who can't recall their sources.

*shaking head*

[Vivacious1]

I identify as a strong femme woman. I find myself mostly attracted to old school butches. (Hard to find as they may be). On a first date you can tell a whole lot. Sometimes, everything you need to know. I want to know that chivalry is not dead. I look for it to come naturally. It matters to me. Whether we walk down the street to a coffee shop or go to a 5-star dinner, the thing that matters most is being treated like I am the most valuable thing that my butch has come across. I like the lead with hys hand on the small of my back, the assistance with my wrap or the opening of my car door and waiting for me to get in as hy shuts it. It has never stopped giving me chills. For myself, I want you to be yourself, be confident and whatever we do on that date, do it with passion, enthusiasm and treat me like I am the only woman on the planet. These are the things that make me swoon.

[Nomad]

i agree with Tattoogurl. dont ask me where i want to go. have a plan so that i know you gave the date some thought. do your homework if you want to take me somewhere you know i like or somewhere i havent been. just give me a ballpark idea of what i should be wearing (shorts & a sweater or something less casual). as an aside, if you asked me out that means you pay. if i ask you out that means i pay. if we agree to share beforehand, no problem, but i'm not into fighting over the check. it reduces things to blech.

and just an FYI to the less financially fluid folks, a LOT of us are not impressed by money and flash. sure, they're nice on occasion but we're more interested in what you can conjure up out of $5. why? because it means you're interested in US and not in IMPRESSING us. besides, anyone can create a date by throwing money around. what you do when you're broke tells us a lot about you because we're ALL broke from time to time. (some of us more than others! )

the best "date" i've ever been on (and yes, it was the best then and it's still the best now) was one that involved coffee made at my place and a shared pastry at a local bakery that was only a block from my apartment. it was the conversation, the sharing the paper, the long walk afterward and the amazing amount of laughter that made it perfect.

[gaea]

Originally Posted by Nomad

i agree with Tattoogurl. dont ask me where i want to go. have a plan so that i know you gave the date some thought. do your homework if you want to take me somewhere you know i like or somewhere i havent been. just give me a ballpark idea of what i should be wearing (shorts & a sweater or something less casual). as an aside, if you asked me out that means you pay. if i ask you out that means i pay. if we agree to share beforehand, no problem, but i'm not into fighting over the check. it reduces things to blech.

and just an FYI to the less financially fluid folks, a LOT of us are not impressed by money and flash. sure, they're nice on occasion but we're more interested in what you can conjure up out of $5. why? because it means you're interested in US and not in IMPRESSING us. besides, anyone can create a date by throwing money around. what you do when you're broke tells us a lot about you because we're ALL broke from time to time. (some of us more than others! )

the best "date" i've ever been on (and yes, it was the best then and it's still the best now) was one that involved coffee made at my place and a shared pastry at a local bakery that was only a block from my apartment. it was the conversation, the sharing the paper, the long walk afterward and the amazing amount of laughter that made it perfect.

I second this and applaud it....

I don't care what kind of car you drive or the job you have, are you kind? are you considerate? are you courteous? are you giving just for show or because that's who you really are, be respectful before and after and mean it don't just play a game I have feelings and they matter if to no one else than me they matter....respect is huge in my book.

A picnic on a beach would suit me more than some stuffy high end restaurant.....

a trip to the dog park, a walk along the river even fishing or camping ..

be good to me and ill be good to you, it kind of works like that or so i would like to believe in or at least hope for.

[LadyRieinAL]

I'll probably be from out of town and you'll pick me up at the airport -
You meet me with a grin on your face and you reach out to give me a warm welcoming hug.
My suitcase is light because I know I am only going to be here for the weekend - if it is chilly out side you offer to help me with my jacket or coat. You reach to take my luggage from me, and we walked to your car and drive to your place.
You get out of the car, come around and open the passenger's door for me, you take my hand and kiss it gently.
You open the trunk and take out the luggage.
Once inside the house, you introduce me to your four legged babies.
You take my luggage into the guestroom, you show me around your house, you have a large cozy bathrobe in the bathroom for me.
We take a few moments to sip coffee, chatting, the babies are helping to make this an easy transition in getting to know one another -
You've made plans for dinner, Italian.
I could sit and talk with you all night, your smile is genuine and your laughter infectious. But there are dinner reservations.
While helping me with my coat, you ask if you may kiss me, a soft sweet gentle kiss. You open the door for me and you tell your babies that we will be back shortly.
At the restaurant you pull out my chair and kiss my cheek. You sit directly across from me because you want to look into my eyes while we chat.
Since I haven't eaten in this restaurant before and we have discussed over the phone I only eat chicken and some fish, you ask if you can order for me.
You're so handsome, and you have made me feel like a princess. After a wonderful meal we leave the restaurant and you take me to your special place - a blanket of stars and fresh air surrounds us - could be a park, a river bank, a mountain parkway, - it is a safe place and we take a moon light stroll, I interlock my arm around yours. Everything is so romantic.
When we get back to your place, we sit and watch a movie and laugh - and time comes to go to sleep, you ask if I would be more comfortable sleeping in the guest room, or if I would like to sleep with you, you promise to be on your best behavior, but it is a strange place and I might be more comfortable cuddling with you. I have only one answer, and we drift off to sleep with your arm wrapped around my waist.
Morning comes and I awaken to the scent of a delicious cup of coffee right next to me on the night stand.
Good morning, you're in a very good mood -
I realize how very safe I feel with you -
this weekend is going to go way too quickly. You're the perfect gentle person - doesn't mean I will always want you to behave so perfectly, - but this weekend, this first date, I know I will be back because I want to know more about you and I want more of you.

[Redsunflower]

I've liked this thread very much and am astounded any of us manage to get together given the variety of ways we like to be treated on a date.

This one...

Originally Posted by LadyRieinAL

...you reach out to give me a warm welcoming hug...you offer to help me with my jacket or coat...you reach to take my luggage from me...you get out of the car, come around and open the passenger's door for me, you take my hand and kiss it gently...
...you have a large cozy bathrobe in the bathroom for me...
...You've made plans for dinner, Italian...
...while helping me with my coat, you ask if you may kiss me...at the restaurant you pull out my chair and kiss my cheek.
...you ask if you can order for me...
...you have made me feel like a princess.

...is my idea of a living hell. (No offence intended in way way, LadyRieinAL. Best of luck with finding what you're looking for. :-))

If we're talking about spending time with someone we don't know very well, maybe just enough to be interested, then I want to be treated like exactly that, someone you don't know very well.

Be curious, ask stuff, if I don't want to tell you I'll say. Be ready for me to ask things about you, I will 'cos I'm interested, or I wouldn't be there. Show me who you are as best you can and I'll do the same.

Have a few ideas ready for things we might do. I'll have some too and we can figure it out together. We're both responsible for our own enjoyment.

Tell me what's important to you, what you love, what drives you mad, what your passionate about. Tell me about your mood, where you think you are in life, what you get up to. Tell me any damn thing you like.

Mostly, treat me like the competent, independent, thinking person that I am.

And that'll do nicely, thank you.

[Dance-with-me]

Originally Posted by Nomad

i agree with Tattoogurl. dont ask me where i want to go. have a plan so that i know you gave the date some thought. do your homework if you want to take me somewhere you know i like or somewhere i havent been. just give me a ballpark idea of what i should be wearing (shorts & a sweater or something less casual).
...
a LOT of us are not impressed by money and flash. sure, they're nice on occasion but we're more interested in what you can conjure up out of $5. why? because it means you're interested in US and not in IMPRESSING us. besides, anyone can create a date by throwing money around. what you do when you're broke tells us a lot about you because we're ALL broke from time to time. (some of us more than others! )

THIS. Exactly, especially the part I highlighted.

[Electrocell]

Ok ladies have a ? maybe I'm a little out of date when it comes to dating. I usually bring flowers when I first meet a lady is this wrong?If I am meeting her for dinner at her place I bring flowers and a bottle of wine again am I am I out dated on this?

[imperfect_cupcake]

these days? I'd rather it not really be a date, to be honest. I'd prefer to just hang out and see how we get on as mates and if there's chemistry and attraction there. I'd like to talk before hand a bit to see where we both want to go, and the most important thing to me is how we get along, chemistry wise. Is there lots of laughing? banter? questions and curiosity? I'd like to be treated like a friend with possibilities. I don't want flowers, I don't want candy or stuff like that. I want you to be relaxed, confident, able to talk naturally, banter with me, and be totally honest like you would a friend - without fearing judgement. I don't want us on our best behaviour. I just want us to be very very realy about who we are. Still a bit hung up on a ex? Don't care. Tell me about it. Not for hours mind you, you'll put me into a coma, but tell me what you think and what you'd like to do about it.

I do webcamming work - I'll have told you a bit about that before we meet up - to put me through school. Don't treat me like a slag. I'm not. I won't bed you just because I can talk about sex easily on a camera. It's work and it's dull, don't fetishise me. Make jokes, sure, but the jokes should be about my clientelle (follow my lead hey?) and the rediculousness of the work, not some lame filthy bullshit I hear when I'm *at* work, you'll remind me of a service user. My job is convenient for study and half decently paid but very dull and a long shifts gives me headaches from having to be "chirpy, bubbly, smiley and up" and dealing with dickheads very swiftly with little or no reaction. I've got very thick skin and a very little tolerance for fuckwittery. But I have a very wicked sense of black humour, I love smart assing back and forth with people and I love a playful insult between friends. And I hope you do too. To me it shows intimacy, playfulness and ability to keep things from escalating past a certain point in debate.

I expect that to be there as a solid backbone - playfulness - especially if we decide to sleep together. I want our dates to develop as we do. I want romance expressed as a deep friendship and affection. We'll know how to express that to each other as we learn each other. If that happens quickly because there's shitloads of chemistry, I'm fine with that. But don't rush it. It should happen mutually.

[gaea]

Originally Posted by Electrocell

Ok ladies have a ? maybe I'm a little out of date when it comes to dating. I usually bring flowers when I first meet a lady is this wrong?If I am meeting her for dinner at her place I bring flowers and a bottle of wine again am I am I out dated on this?

flowers are nice and so is wine provided she isn't allergic to either of those and if she is well then substitute you know...ofos ways are impressive it means your thoughtful....and sometimes the best flowers to receive are the ones where someone hand picked them out weather at a florist or a garden or what have you...

just my opinion.

[Bèsame*]

I used to think flowers were a waste of time and money. Why? They didn't last long they die. Perhaps as I've gotten wiser ( not older, of course!), I really am tickled when I get flowers. Maybe it was a materialized feeling, thinking I didn't need flowers, cause that was the norm. Now, I love the fact, there was a thought, a reaction, and the EFFORT involved. That is what I love the most. The feeling of receiving at that moment lasts longer, makes me smile all the while I see them, long after the gift of flowers were given.

[Dance-with-me]

I'm responding before reading all the other suggestions, so forgive me if they're repeats!

First, THANK YOU for asking this question! And your list of things that you do that don't cost money are fantastic -- with all of those in place, well, I can't speak for all femmes but I know that for myself there wouldn't have to be a penny spent and I'd have a delightful time.

Overall I'm WAY more impressed by someone who is honest about living within his/her means and who is making the effort to find creative and enjoyable things to do than someone who backs off and does nothing because she can't currently afford the type of date she's like to go on, or someone who gets themselves into debt to "impress" me.

Just don't make a big deal about it being a low-cost date - don't act embarrassed, don't keep apologizing, in fact there's really no reason at all to say to her that you're trying to keep the costs down, because that just puts your date in an awkward position.

I will tell you that one of the very best dates I've ever been on in my life started with a simple picnic lunch while sitting on standard beach chairs at the beach -- with foods direct from the grocery store or scavenged from her kitchen, packed in a basic canvas bag, and an inexpensive bottle of wine -- followed by ice cream at the boardwalk and a walk around town. It was the best date because at every moment I was made to feel pampered and special (all those "don't cost anything" things in place), but at the same time I was fully respected for my intelligence (lots of different conversational topics as we ate and sipped wine), I was allowed to be surprised by it (I like to not have to OK every plan), I didn't feel pressured for anything, it was light and romantic and fun instead of more formal and constrained, and I enjoyed every single moment of it.

And while not every date needs to be (or should be) a surprise, still don't be going to her and asking her to ok every part of the agenda - if you don't know her well yet, maybe check in and verify that she likes doing that sort of thing (some folks just don't like art museums or sporting events, for example) but work out the details on your own - she'll appreciate you for it!

Some no/low cost ideas that I personally would very much enjoy include museums, free outdoor plays/concerts in the summer, bike riding or walking through a park or along the beach, festivals/parades (ethnic, holiday, small town, etc.), a small-town or college ball game, fireworks, or even just getting together with a couple of friends who you know to be compatible and easy-going to do a bbq or play cards.

I know that in some cities, they have a weekly email that goes out that lists all kinds of plays, concerts and other events for that upcoming weekend for which you can get typically half-priced tickets. Maybe see if there's something like that around you?

Don't be afraid to plan a deliberately casual date with a Femme -- I'm guessing that most of us enjoy those jeans/shorts and t-shirts kind of dates just as much as the dress-up ones! But especially if she doesn't know going into it exactly what you'll be doing, please be sure to give her a general idea of what to wear. For that date on the beach, my date told me in advance that shorts or a simple sundress and sandals would be best, and I really appreciated that.

With an attitude like yours, you're going to make some Femme very happy to be dating you.

[sofimichi]

I like to be more submissive when on a date.