Long Distance Relationships

[Sachita]

Originally Posted by Linus

Well, I'm lucky that my work could sponsor me to come down (work visa). You will need a visa of some sort if you intend on visiting the US longer than 6 months. Since there is no recognition of LGBTQ marriages from Canada into the US, it is either a work visa or a student visa that would allow you to stay longer in the US.

Health care is the big shocker for me since I'm not used to the idea of co-pay (I get benefits from work and still have to get adjusted to the idea that I have to ask whether something is covered or not -- very different than what I grew up with in Ontario).

Culturally there are some similarities to Canada but I found (and this is from my experience as someone who has lived in Ottawa and Toronto and now NYC) the US to be very "busy". At the same time, I've found that many Americans like to talk to you (even if it's just to hear your "accent").

If you do move to the US, minimize what you have to bring down. Moving across borders can be expensive because of having to go through customs.

I do think that moving to NYC was a nice transition because it's a close culture to Toronto. If I had moved to small-town USA in a place that didn't have much as far as LGBTQ, my experience might have been different.

Don't know if that helps but that is how I've dealt with it thus far.

I would seriously have to consider moving to the US. I mean, I live here but I wouldn't leave Canada to move here. You have so many more liberties and options there.

[Linus]

Originally Posted by Sachita

I would seriously have to consider moving to the US. I mean, I live here but I wouldn't leave Canada to move here. You have so many more liberties and options there.

Hehe.. ya but love is a wondrous and splendid thing.

[sweetfemme247]

I am with chefhottie and I love my cards I get

Hello folks

I'm off on my travels to see my woman today. We live 160miles apart and yesterday was our 4 year anniversary - sadly I couldn't travel yesterday as I was enrolling at university. We like having our own front doors. I like being able to my life and our life too. It's a compromise of course but it seems to work for us - thus far!

[Mtn]

Evening y'all, thought I would bump this thread, as I know there are a few folks in active LDR's. Sylvie and I have been together almost a year now. She is a daily blessing in my life. Truth is LDR's take ALOT of hard work. It requires being present in an entirely different way, text and type are not easily read for nuances, so it's easy to take something wrong, when that was not the intent. EVERYTIME you have to stop and say...okay what did you mean? I can't see your face or your body language, so we must discuss it. We have a 4 hour time difference, so I am asleep for a good part of her day, and she is asleep a good part of my evening.

We have dedicated time together everyday. We have started planning one meal a week, when we cook the same thing and dine together. We use all of our internet tools, and yes SKYPE is truly a blessing. We talk about the ordinary, kids, pets, workdays, weather. Because the best things in life are ordinary. One of the favorite things I get to do is check out the grocery ads at the stores she shops at and help her make a shopping list, it makes me feel useful and she appreciates it. We work at being present in every moment that we share. We make plans for the future. For the next visit, and for the long term. We BELIEVE and we TRUST. We have routines, we have our own language and phrases.

What else are you other folks doing to make an LDR work for you?

It's not easy, by any stretch. I miss her, she misses me. We make it work. We laugh and cry, and have sweet sweet moments. We are diligent.

[Strappie]

Originally Posted by Incubus

Hello folks

I'm off on my travels to see my woman today. We live 160miles apart and yesterday was our 4 year anniversary - sadly I couldn't travel yesterday as I was enrolling at university. We like having our own front doors. I like being able to my life and our life too. It's a compromise of course but it seems to work for us - thus far!

160 Miles? Jesus I would do ANYTHING to be only a 160 miles away from her!!

[Strappie]

Communication... it's about the only thing you have. Being OPEN and forth coming with everything. Honesty is KEY!

There are a TON more things to add... but I need my pillow right now!
G'night!

[Martina]

Originally Posted by Strappie

160 Miles? Jesus I would do ANYTHING to be only a 160 miles away from her!!

The thirty or so miles that separate me from Them has felt like a million. If you can't run over on short notice, . . . .

[Ciaran]

Originally Posted by Strappie

160 Miles? Jesus I would do ANYTHING to be only a 160 miles away from her!!

In my experience, the concept of distance and travelling times are amongst the things that differentiate folk from both sides of the pond. Here, in the British Isles, a car journey of 160 miles would be viewed as a significant length.

Added to that, we don't have comparable "freeways" and, generally, have more traffic so travelling time for 160 miles, depending on destination, could be significant. Certainly, the last time I was on a car journey of more than 160 miles in the UK was more than 20 years ago.


Sorry for that nerd-ish diversion.

On the actual issue of LDR, I've been there and done it. In my opinion, it can work but, for me anyway, it's dependent upon two factors. Firstly, irrespective of the distance, there needs to be fairly real contact i.e. skype, phone, email, webcams are all well and good but, for me, no relationship can work without some form of regular face-to-face contact and spending real time together.

Secondly, at some stage, both parties need to consider the longer-term i.e. can it work out for the long-term and, if so, what compromises are going to be made and by whom? In other words, if both parties are tied to their present arrangements and unwilling or practically unable to move, then they need to decide whether, despite their shared affection / love / whatever, it's in their interests to continue or whether that will just lead to a limbo situation that's to no one's ultimate benefit .....

[1QuirkyKiwi]

Originally Posted by Ciaran

In my experience, the concept of distance and travelling times are amongst the things that differentiate folk from both sides of the pond. Here, in the British Isles, a car journey of 160 miles would be viewed as a significant length.

Added to that, we don't have comparable "freeways" and, generally, have more traffic so travelling time for 160 miles, depending on destination, could be significant. Certainly, the last time I was on a car journey of more than 160 miles in the UK was more than 20 years ago.


Sorry for that nerd-ish diversion.

On the actual issue of LDR, I've been there and done it. In my opinion, it can work but, for me anyway, it's dependent upon two factors. Firstly, irrespective of the distance, there needs to be fairly real contact i.e. skype, phone, email, webcams are all well and good but, for me, no relationship can work without some form of regular face-to-face contact and spending real time together.

Secondly, at some stage, both parties need to consider the longer-term i.e. can it work out for the long-term and, if so, what compromises are going to be made and by whom? In other words, if both parties are tied to their present arrangements and unwilling or practically unable to move, then they need to decide whether, despite their shared affection / love / whatever, it's in their interests to continue or whether that will just lead to a limbo situation that's to no one's ultimate benefit .....

NZ is very much like the UK in terms of travelling, as Ciaran has described, only we have significantly more Sheep causing traffic jams! LOL!

I’ve had two LDR, but, the distance across the pond and whilst I have no problems with relocating….at this moment in time, it’s not a possibility as I’ve had to put things on hold for a year. I also have job possibilities being offered to me, as well as other opportunities that I may want to pursue.

At this stage in my life, the logistics for me to move outside of Europe are a nightmare…. I have to find a Neurologist and Spinal Orthopaedic Surgeon for my SB. I’ve my cats, furniture….my whole life to pack and move, etc.

It’s more feasible for me to see my partner more often within the UK and Europe, especially with cheap-ish flights across Europe to and from the UK.

I’m not comfortable with constantly emailing, texting and talking on the phone with no real contact, especially with the 6 hour plus time zones across the pond…. my internet connection doesn’t support Skype, so, I’m limited and it hurts too much when we’re missing each other and we have X-amount of weeks to wait before we see each other for only a week or two.

It would be different if I or She/hy won millions on the Lottery, then we could spend time together at our leisure, but, I’ve more chance of walking into a Lamppost whilst admiring a handsome Butch, lol!

[Glenn]

If your gut's telling you there's something bothering it about your LDR, then trust it. It's telling you the truth.

[1QuirkyKiwi]

Originally Posted by Glenn

If your gut's bothering you about your LDR, then trust it. It's telling you the truth.

I agree! I always go with my intuition and if it doesn't feel right....I know it's not and will openly and honestly say how I feel. I won't be in a relationship just for the sake of being in one.

[Glenn]

Yes Ms Q Kiwi; The connection has to be perfect to hold up againest the distance.

[girl_dee]

Do you think that the distance helps keep things alive? Someone mentioned one time on the forum, that every time she dates long distance the romance is alive, the fun never stops but when she moves into the real time, it kinda dies. The honeymoon is over so to speak.

I believe that to be true to a point. I feel the distance keeps the fantasy alive, well it has for me anyway. I can't do the distance for very long, I need to be in the here and now and learn what I am either spending my time wisely for or seeing if I am really wasting my time. The distance is good for covering up the hard cold facts on both sides, however unintentional.

[WolfyOne]

many years ago, I had to give up a LDR because neither of us would budge on moving
After a year, it was too much (not monetary) to travel every other weekend on a plane to visit
I'm not saying I wouldn't considerate it again
I just wouldn't want to invest my time and feelings if a compromise could not be made on where we'd live if we get serious

Once again, it goes back to communication
Live, but listen and learn

[Ciaran]

Originally Posted by Cajun_dee

Do you think that the distance helps keep things alive? Someone mentioned one time on the forum, that every time she dates long distance the romance is alive, the fun never stops but when she moves into the real time, it kinda dies. The honeymoon is over so to speak.

To me, that's clearly not a relationship and I wouldn't even attach a "dating" label to it. In my view, it's more like flirting and "dipping your toe in the water" with a prospective date. In itself, it's perfectly harmless.

That said, for some clearly it can be all too easy to let dreams get in the way of reality. I'm genuinely not trying to come across as harsh or judgemental, but on this type of forum, I've often seen people make gushing references to "being in love" and that their "partner" is "the one" and "so right in everyway" and planning a shared future together when they haven't actually even met in real life. That's something I just cannot get my head around.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Ciaran

To me, that's clearly not a relationship and I wouldn't even attach a "dating" label to it. In my view, it's more like flirting and "dipping your toe in the water" with a prospective date. In itself, it's perfectly harmless.

That said, for some clearly it can be all too easy to let dreams get in the way of reality. I'm genuinely not trying to come across as harsh or judgemental, but on this type of forum, I've often seen people make gushing references to "being in love" and that their "partner" is "the one" and "so right in everyway" and planning a shared future together when they haven't actually even met in real life. That's something I just cannot get my head around.

Yup!.........

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by Glenn

Yes Ms Q Kiwi; The connection has to be perfect to hold up againest the distance.

I think 'perfect' is not only asking too much but will taint the ordinary; the regular but perfectly good connections.

The main thing is to work on it and keep the connection strong. Both parties have to be 'in it to win it' and put the daily effort in for the relationship to thrive. This is true for all relationships but especially so for ones that rely on trust and the unseen and unknown.

[Mtn]

My intention was to rekindle the OP about what we do in LDR'S to make them thrive. Certainly many don't, and many don't want them for whatever reason, and that is totally cool. Some do thrive and turn into LTR's, again see the OP.

[Glenn]

Paisan; All I can say is LDR's can drive you mad like this..the whole" Does she care about seeing me as I do?" will drive you BONKERS. I had a LDR that lived in Cali and the whole distance thing brought out a bunch of insecurities, trust issues, priority issues, etc. THAT REALISTICALLY COULD NOT BE SOLVED. Bottom Line: One of you move or you will eventually break up. And if it's less than perfect the distance will kill it.

Originally Posted by Gemme

I think 'perfect' is not only asking too much but will taint the ordinary; the regular but perfectly good connections.

The main thing is to work on it and keep the connection strong. Both parties have to be 'in it to win it' and put the daily effort in for the relationship to thrive. This is true for all relationships but especially so for ones that rely on trust and the unseen and unknown.