What are your three non-negotiables (in a relationship)? - Page 17

lucid · 01-30-2016, 06:48 AM

My favorite response to this question is "H.O.T."

H. = Housing
O. = Occupation
T. = Transportation

my response is more nuanced, but hot is a good start!

imperfect_cupcake · 01-30-2016, 01:28 PM

After some rethinking its

1) patience. If you want instant intensity and passion, it's not me. I want to slowly get to know someone before I decide, before you decide, what we want to do. I may feel a deep attraction, but for me that has never proved a good basis for anything. I have felt deep attraction for people who have turned out to be narcissists, or alcoholics, or addicts, or people with untreated BPD co morbid with bipolar.
Just because I feel attraction does not mean I will go forward with it. And many times attraction takes me a a while to feel because I'm emotionally slow and reserved. If I'm poked at, the only emotion I reveal is irritation and anger.

You have to have the patience. It's ok to be unsure yourself. It's ok to take your time to decide if we are good for each other. I get it. And for the love of fuck, we don't have to have a conversation about it every time we get together, or every time we talk.

It's also ok that we don't do everything according to societal dictates in what "couples should do". And that you have the calm patience to allow what we do to evolve slowly, organically and without pushing.

2) humour. Our humour has to match. I can't stress how important that is.

3) confidence. You are confident enough to give me my independance and know that you still take centre stage in a romantic view. Work comes first for me, my career is my meaning, my love and a passion. It keeps me sane and happy. I won't put my career at risk.
so there are things I can't do that other people can because they aren't a Health Worker under scrutiny by a government agency.
This doesn't threaten you.
My independance doesn't threaten you or make you feel small or unimportant. You "get" that about me. You understand how fiercely loyal I am and that it doesn't have to translate into constant attention/reassurance cycles. You don't pick arguments to get my attention, to get me to talk to you when I'm busy or when I need quiet, down time.
Coming up and just laying next to me and reading your own book, watching a movie with headphones on, or writing your own stuff, with an ankle over mine is just fine.
But sometimes I also want alone time.
And not seeing me for a few days, you aren't constantly worried about what I'm up to, what I am doing, why haven't I contacted you in the last five hours.
Confidence.

kittygrrl · 01-30-2016, 03:33 PM

Discover how compatible the two of you are

December 10, 2013
how-secure-do-you-feel

According to the Enneagram, you can find out how compatible you are with your partner quite simply by checking out what they called your “Instincts”

We are each endowed with 3 specific instincts that are necessary for our survival. While we have all 3 instincts in us, one of them is our dominant focus. Then we have a second instinct that is used to support the dominant instinct, as well as a third one, which is least developed – a real blind spot in our personality and our values.

These form what they call our “stack”.

Our instinct priority has a huge impact on how compatible we feel with our partner.

If two people have the same first instinct, they are much more likely to get along easily since their basic values and outlook on life are congruent.

Conversely, if your stack is completely opposite to your partner’s, then you can expect tensions and conflicts. Each of you will usually be trying to convert the other.

Most importantly, a healthy balance of all instincts is important. So, if yours is a different stack to your partners, rather than fight about it, you can seek to understand and acknowledge the wisdom in each, learning from each other, and how compatible are youcreating a better balance for both of you. Here are the 3 Instincts:

1. Self Preservation Instinct.

People of this Instinctual type are focused on enhancing their personal security and physical comfort, and can be preoccupied with the basic survival needs, for example, money, food, housing, health, physical safety and comfort. Being safe and physically comfortable are priorities, and they will often bring their supplies with them.

When entering a room, they will tend to notice lighting, uncomfortable chairs, the room temperature, when the coffee break will be, and whether they will like the food provided.

These people often have issues connected with food and drink, either overdoing it or having strict dietary requirements.

They tend also to be the most practical in the sense of taking care of basic life necessities like paying the bills, maintaining the home and workplace, acquiring useful skills.

If this is an instinct that you have least developed, you may not eat or sleep properly, and can lack the drive to accumulate wealth or property, or even care about such matters. Also time and resource management will typically be neglected, often with seriously detrimental effects to your own careers, social life and material well being.

2. Intimacy / Sexual Instinct.

People of this type have a strong desire for intensity of experience and intimacy. This intensity could be found in great conversation or a great movie. The direct riveting gaze is the dead give- away for people of this type.

When they enter a room they gravitate toward people they feel magnetized to, regardless of the person’s potential for helping them or their social standing. It is as if they are looking for the juice.

These people can be intimacy junkies, and have a strong desire to fuse with someone, often neglecting pressing obligations or even basic maintenance if they are swept up in something that has captivated them. This gives a wide ranging exploratory approach to life, but also a lack of focus on one’s own priorities.

If this is the area that is least developed, you will find you avoid intimacies as much as you can, finding ways to not get up close and personal with people.

3. Social Instinct.

People of this type are focused on their interactions with other people and with the sense of value and esteem they derive from their participation in group activities. These include work, family, hobbies and clubs, or any arena in which you can interact with others for some shared purpose. They understand their own and other peoples sense of place in the hierarchy of groups, and can desire attention, recognition, honor, success, fame, leadership and appreciation, as well as the security of being part of something larger than themselves

On entering a room, these people would immediately be aware of the power structures and subtle politics between the different people and groups. They are subconsciously focused on other’s reaction to them, particularly about whether they are being accepted or not.

They need to know what is going on in their world; they need to touch base with others to feel safe alive and energized.

In general they tend to enjoy interacting with people, but they avoid intimacy. They are the most extroverted of the types.

If you have this as your least developed instinct, you will have a lack of interest socially beyond your immediate needs, with very few friends, and will not be very interested in people. You also disregard the opinions of others very easily. You feel you do not need others and others do not need you, thus there may be frequent misunderstandings with others.

It can be interesting to find out what both your own stack is, and also that of your partners’.

This can give you some great information about whether you feel compatible or not, and what you can do about it. For more help in understanding how these forces work in your relationship, come and discover more in our relationship counselling sessions at the Hart Centre.

Gayandgray · 03-05-2016, 02:21 PM

1) no lying. 2) no cheating. 3) never hit me or you will regret it

MsTinkerbelly · 03-05-2016, 02:37 PM

Loves me
Loves my child
Thinks I rock the world

Does anything else really matter?

I'm kidding, of course there are other things:

Don't hit me
Don't fight dirty
Be kind to strangers

Chad · 03-05-2016, 03:38 PM

Always the same 3

No cheating
No lying
No drugs

I would like to add no stealing and no freeloading but it says 3.

Women are beautiful, sweet, yummy humans and that is who I want in my life.

Poss · 06-23-2016, 08:50 AM

No lying, cheating or stealing,

Things I learnt long ago:
1. If/when your love for me runs dry; say so and move on rather than lie to me, cheat on me and steal from me.
2. Deep and honest communication is paramount; between the sheets as well as at the kitchen table.
3. Love me as I love you in an awakened state of universal consciousness.

TL1 · 06-23-2016, 09:34 AM

Where did this come from? Many good answers.... It's hard to pick 3.

1. Gets me (Because I am different and weird and complex among other things)
2. Nice and sense of humor (hopefully no one needs explanation to that one...and yes I did sneak that extra one in.)
3. Likes to receive (I'm a total giver)

But I want to do a 4,5,6,7,8,9,10 too... Damn. Can we post more than one post with three different things each? Lol

kittygrrl · 06-27-2016, 11:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TL1

Where did this come from? Many good answers.... It's hard to pick 3.

But I want to do a 4,5,6,7,8,9,10 too... Damn. Can we post more than one post with three different things each? Lol

Yes..3 is only one number

JDeere · 07-30-2016, 08:10 PM

I am going to add here

Cheating
Stealing
Drugs

homoe · 07-30-2016, 08:13 PM

1. Smokers............
2. Alcholics.............
3. Druggies...........

Bèsame* · 07-30-2016, 10:05 PM

Don't be controlling!

flapdoodle · 07-30-2016, 10:08 PM

communication

my space

no addictions

homoe · 08-03-2016, 07:52 PM

1. Being a "know it all"
2. NEVER admitting to being wrong!
3. It's YOUR way or the highway!

Sweet Bliss · 08-04-2016, 09:21 AM

patience

enjoys my touch

plays fair

JDeere · 08-06-2016, 07:28 PM

Seems like there is a common theme with some of us on this thread LOL

C0LLETTE · 08-06-2016, 08:23 PM

no shoplifting
no stiffing servers
no psychobabbling

DapperButch · 08-06-2016, 09:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by C0LLETTE

no shoplifting
no stiffing servers
no psychobabbling

Damn it. I'm out.

C0LLETTE · 08-06-2016, 09:21 PM

hahahahahahahahahahahaha

DapperButch · 08-06-2016, 09:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by C0LLETTE

hahahahahahahahahahahaha

And, seriously...shoplifting? Do you come across this much, or just being funny?

01-30-2016, 03:33 PM	#323
kittygrrl Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: je ne sais quoi Preferred Pronoun?: baby grrl Relationship Status: vibing Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: real close Posts: 8,805 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 21,382 Thanked 21,373 Times in 6,723 Posts Rep Power: 21474859	In browsing i found this interesting.. Discover how compatible the two of you are December 10, 2013 how-secure-do-you-feel According to the Enneagram, you can find out how compatible you are with your partner quite simply by checking out what they called your “Instincts” We are each endowed with 3 specific instincts that are necessary for our survival. While we have all 3 instincts in us, one of them is our dominant focus. Then we have a second instinct that is used to support the dominant instinct, as well as a third one, which is least developed – a real blind spot in our personality and our values. These form what they call our “stack”. Our instinct priority has a huge impact on how compatible we feel with our partner. If two people have the same first instinct, they are much more likely to get along easily since their basic values and outlook on life are congruent. Conversely, if your stack is completely opposite to your partner’s, then you can expect tensions and conflicts. Each of you will usually be trying to convert the other. Most importantly, a healthy balance of all instincts is important. So, if yours is a different stack to your partners, rather than fight about it, you can seek to understand and acknowledge the wisdom in each, learning from each other, and how compatible are youcreating a better balance for both of you. Here are the 3 Instincts: 1. Self Preservation Instinct. People of this Instinctual type are focused on enhancing their personal security and physical comfort, and can be preoccupied with the basic survival needs, for example, money, food, housing, health, physical safety and comfort. Being safe and physically comfortable are priorities, and they will often bring their supplies with them. When entering a room, they will tend to notice lighting, uncomfortable chairs, the room temperature, when the coffee break will be, and whether they will like the food provided. These people often have issues connected with food and drink, either overdoing it or having strict dietary requirements. They tend also to be the most practical in the sense of taking care of basic life necessities like paying the bills, maintaining the home and workplace, acquiring useful skills. If this is an instinct that you have least developed, you may not eat or sleep properly, and can lack the drive to accumulate wealth or property, or even care about such matters. Also time and resource management will typically be neglected, often with seriously detrimental effects to your own careers, social life and material well being. 2. Intimacy / Sexual Instinct. People of this type have a strong desire for intensity of experience and intimacy. This intensity could be found in great conversation or a great movie. The direct riveting gaze is the dead give- away for people of this type. When they enter a room they gravitate toward people they feel magnetized to, regardless of the person’s potential for helping them or their social standing. It is as if they are looking for the juice. These people can be intimacy junkies, and have a strong desire to fuse with someone, often neglecting pressing obligations or even basic maintenance if they are swept up in something that has captivated them. This gives a wide ranging exploratory approach to life, but also a lack of focus on one’s own priorities. If this is the area that is least developed, you will find you avoid intimacies as much as you can, finding ways to not get up close and personal with people. 3. Social Instinct. People of this type are focused on their interactions with other people and with the sense of value and esteem they derive from their participation in group activities. These include work, family, hobbies and clubs, or any arena in which you can interact with others for some shared purpose. They understand their own and other peoples sense of place in the hierarchy of groups, and can desire attention, recognition, honor, success, fame, leadership and appreciation, as well as the security of being part of something larger than themselves On entering a room, these people would immediately be aware of the power structures and subtle politics between the different people and groups. They are subconsciously focused on other’s reaction to them, particularly about whether they are being accepted or not. They need to know what is going on in their world; they need to touch base with others to feel safe alive and energized. In general they tend to enjoy interacting with people, but they avoid intimacy. They are the most extroverted of the types. If you have this as your least developed instinct, you will have a lack of interest socially beyond your immediate needs, with very few friends, and will not be very interested in people. You also disregard the opinions of others very easily. You feel you do not need others and others do not need you, thus there may be frequent misunderstandings with others. It can be interesting to find out what both your own stack is, and also that of your partners’. This can give you some great information about whether you feel compatible or not, and what you can do about it. For more help in understanding how these forces work in your relationship, come and discover more in our relationship counselling sessions at the Hart Centre. __________________ "All cruelty springs from weakness" Seneca

03-05-2016, 02:21 PM	#324
Gayandgray Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Femme-ish, tomboy lesbian Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: Together a really long time Join Date: Jan 2016 Location: In my mind? On a tropical island Posts: 4,857 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 13,579 Thanked 12,910 Times in 3,079 Posts Rep Power: 21474849	1) no lying. 2) no cheating. 3) never hit me or you will regret it __________________

03-05-2016, 03:38 PM	#326
Chad Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: OFOS Stone butch Preferred Pronoun?: He Relationship Status: Loved Caregiver Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: Texas Posts: 6,164 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 11,746 Thanked 20,325 Times in 5,678 Posts Rep Power: 21474857	Non-negotiables Always the same 3 No cheating No lying No drugs I would like to add no stealing and no freeloading but it says 3. Women are beautiful, sweet, yummy humans and that is who I want in my life.

06-23-2016, 08:50 AM	#327
Poss Junior Member How Do You Identify?: Gay, Lesbian, Femme Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: Legally Married in 2018 Join Date: Nov 2015 Location: Victoria, Australia Posts: 38 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 55 Thanked 160 Times in 33 Posts Rep Power: 1932746	I keep it simple ...it's all about values and ethics for me No lying, cheating or stealing, Things I learnt long ago: 1. If/when your love for me runs dry; say so and move on rather than lie to me, cheat on me and steal from me. 2. Deep and honest communication is paramount; between the sheets as well as at the kitchen table. 3. Love me as I love you in an awakened state of universal consciousness.

06-23-2016, 09:34 AM	#328
TL1 Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Butch of stone Preferred Pronoun?: The guy kind Join Date: Dec 2015 Location: NC Posts: 2,891 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 6,107 Thanked 3,460 Times in 1,006 Posts Rep Power: 21474847	Where did this come from? Many good answers.... It's hard to pick 3. 1. Gets me (Because I am different and weird and complex among other things) 2. Nice and sense of humor (hopefully no one needs explanation to that one...and yes I did sneak that extra one in.) 3. Likes to receive (I'm a total giver) But I want to do a 4,5,6,7,8,9,10 too... Damn. Can we post more than one post with three different things each? Lol __________________ "Our bodies were printed as blank pages to be filled with the ink of our hearts”

01-30-2016, 06:48 AM	#321
lucid Junior Member How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: single Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: California Posts: 1 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2 Thanked 6 Times in 1 Post Rep Power: 0	My favorite response to this question is "H.O.T." H. = Housing O. = Occupation T. = Transportation my response is more nuanced, but hot is a good start!

01-30-2016, 01:28 PM	#322
imperfect_cupcake Senior Member How Do You Identify?: feminine dolly dyke Preferred Pronoun?: Your Grace Relationship Status: I put my own care first Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: In a gauze of mystery Posts: 1,776 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,426 Thanked 9,727 Times in 1,613 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	After some rethinking its 1) patience. If you want instant intensity and passion, it's not me. I want to slowly get to know someone before I decide, before you decide, what we want to do. I may feel a deep attraction, but for me that has never proved a good basis for anything. I have felt deep attraction for people who have turned out to be narcissists, or alcoholics, or addicts, or people with untreated BPD co morbid with bipolar. Just because I feel attraction does not mean I will go forward with it. And many times attraction takes me a a while to feel because I'm emotionally slow and reserved. If I'm poked at, the only emotion I reveal is irritation and anger. You have to have the patience. It's ok to be unsure yourself. It's ok to take your time to decide if we are good for each other. I get it. And for the love of fuck, we don't have to have a conversation about it every time we get together, or every time we talk. It's also ok that we don't do everything according to societal dictates in what "couples should do". And that you have the calm patience to allow what we do to evolve slowly, organically and without pushing. 2) humour. Our humour has to match. I can't stress how important that is. 3) confidence. You are confident enough to give me my independance and know that you still take centre stage in a romantic view. Work comes first for me, my career is my meaning, my love and a passion. It keeps me sane and happy. I won't put my career at risk. so there are things I can't do that other people can because they aren't a Health Worker under scrutiny by a government agency. This doesn't threaten you. My independance doesn't threaten you or make you feel small or unimportant. You "get" that about me. You understand how fiercely loyal I am and that it doesn't have to translate into constant attention/reassurance cycles. You don't pick arguments to get my attention, to get me to talk to you when I'm busy or when I need quiet, down time. Coming up and just laying next to me and reading your own book, watching a movie with headphones on, or writing your own stuff, with an ankle over mine is just fine. But sometimes I also want alone time. And not seeing me for a few days, you aren't constantly worried about what I'm up to, what I am doing, why haven't I contacted you in the last five hours. Confidence.

03-05-2016, 02:37 PM	#325
MsTinkerbelly Timed Out - TOS Drama How Do You Identify?: ... Preferred Pronoun?: ... Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: ... Posts: 6,573 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 30,737 Thanked 22,958 Times in 5,020 Posts Rep Power: 0	Loves me Loves my child Thinks I rock the world Does anything else really matter? I'm kidding, of course there are other things: Don't hit me Don't fight dirty Be kind to strangers

07-30-2016, 08:10 PM	#330
JDeere Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: Transgender Preferred Pronoun?: He/him/his Relationship Status: Single Join Date: Jul 2014 Location: Oklahoma Posts: 17,752 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 31,018 Thanked 28,871 Times in 9,718 Posts Rep Power: 21474863	I am going to add here Cheating Stealing Drugs

07-30-2016, 08:13 PM	#331
homoe Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: Butch Relationship Status: ..... Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: 30 minute ferry ride from Seattle Posts: 38,565 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 20,811 Thanked 33,586 Times in 14,918 Posts Rep Power: 21474889	1. Smokers............ 2. Alcholics............. 3. Druggies...........

07-30-2016, 10:05 PM	#332
Bèsame* Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: Femm Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: ☀️☀️☀️ Join Date: Sep 2012 Location: Closer to the waves Posts: 14,777 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 28,404 Thanked 39,538 Times in 10,208 Posts Rep Power: 21474862	Don't be controlling! __________________ kisses A kiss is a whisper in your mouth. Can I borrow a kiss? I promise to give it back.

07-30-2016, 10:08 PM	#333
flapdoodle Junior Member How Do You Identify?: I'm the Mrs. Preferred Pronoun?: reflexive Relationship Status: Married in 2013 Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: sing it Frankie baby Posts: 81 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 8 Thanked 245 Times in 59 Posts Rep Power: 1073756	communication my space no addictions

08-03-2016, 07:52 PM	#334
homoe Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: Butch Relationship Status: ..... Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: 30 minute ferry ride from Seattle Posts: 38,565 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 20,811 Thanked 33,586 Times in 14,918 Posts Rep Power: 21474889	1. Being a "know it all" 2. NEVER admitting to being wrong! 3. It's YOUR way or the highway!

08-04-2016, 09:21 AM	#335
Sweet Bliss Senior Member How Do You Identify?: I Am Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: solo Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: the Beach, Pacific side Posts: 4,160 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 5,354 Thanked 7,264 Times in 2,158 Posts Rep Power: 21474855	patience enjoys my touch plays fair

08-06-2016, 07:28 PM	#336
JDeere Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: Transgender Preferred Pronoun?: He/him/his Relationship Status: Single Join Date: Jul 2014 Location: Oklahoma Posts: 17,752 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 31,018 Thanked 28,871 Times in 9,718 Posts Rep Power: 21474863	Seems like there is a common theme with some of us on this thread LOL

08-06-2016, 08:23 PM	#337
C0LLETTE Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: Depends on the day. Preferred Pronoun?: "I" and "we" Relationship Status: Very good. Thank you for asking. Join Date: Feb 2013 Location: Canada Posts: 11,501 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 16,676 Thanked 15,261 Times in 4,345 Posts Rep Power: 21474859	no shoplifting no stiffing servers no psychobabbling __________________ ______________________________ ______________________________

08-06-2016, 09:21 PM	#339
C0LLETTE Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: Depends on the day. Preferred Pronoun?: "I" and "we" Relationship Status: Very good. Thank you for asking. Join Date: Feb 2013 Location: Canada Posts: 11,501 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 16,676 Thanked 15,261 Times in 4,345 Posts Rep Power: 21474859	hahahahahahahahahahahaha __________________ ______________________________ ______________________________