Friendship Survey

[Ginger]

I wasn't sure where to post this—I don't think of friendship as a "fluffy" topic,
and it doesn't really belong on the "lifestyles" shelf.
This seemed the best placement, if only by default.

This Friendship Survey is a departure from what is more often, on the site,
a focus on what kind of romantic or sexual partner we are and want.

Instead, the focus here is what kind of friend we are and want.

And who knows, in an indirect way, it might help people
hook up with each other. I know for me, the kind of friend a person is,
tells me what kind of partner she might be.

Of course, it's also just another excuse to talk about yourself.
Or to go off on one point that the survey triggers,
and ignore the rest.

(It's long—so feel free to just pick the items that "speak" to you.)

All good, IMO, as it builds reflection, and I for one,
need that right now.

Friendship Survey

Part 1 of 5: Logistic availability

1) How often do you see your friends in person?

2) How often do you talk on the phone, email, skype, etc. a friend?

3) Is childcare a consideration, when you’re making plans with a friend?

4) Are finances a consideration?

5) Is accessibility or health a consideration?

6) Is your work or class schedule a consideration?

7) Does last-minute planning figure into your friendships, either out of necessity or just because that’s the way you prefer it?


Part 2 of 5: Boundaries, expectations and values

1) What are your thoughts on butch/femme friendships?

2) If your partner didn’t like someone, would you still be friends with that person?

3) Describe a time someone cut you off as a friend.

4) Describe a time you cut someone off as a friend.

5) How would you respond, if you realized a friend had a substance abuse problem?

6) How would you respond, if your friend were in an abusive relationship?

7) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (partnered) friend, what would you do?

8) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (single) friend, what would you do?

9) If your friend had what you considered an annoying, albeit harmless habit, would you tell her?

10) Describe a time that you “outgrew” a friend, if applicable.

11) How many years have you known your oldest friend? How have you managed to stay friends, over time?

12) Do you have any friends who are exes? What’s your philosophy about that?

13) How do you feel about “friends with benefits”?

14) How do your expectations of a friend differ from your expectations of a romantic partner?

15) Describe a time when you really came through for a friend.

16) Describe a time a friend really came through for you.

17) What are a few deal breakers that would stop you being friends with someone?

18) What are the kinds of characters flaws you can overlook in a friend?


Part 3 of 5: How important is it to you that:

1) …your friend’s age is fairly close to yours?

2) …your friend’s educational level is similar to yours?

3) …your friend’s economic situation is similar to yours?

4) …your friend’s religious beliefs are similar to yours?

5) …your friend’s class background is similar to yours?

6) …your friend’s gender identity or sexual preference is similar to yours?

7) …your small or adult children like your friends?

8) …your friends like to include your children, when you hang out together?


Part 4 of 5: Which of the following shared activities with a friend appeal to you?

1) Attending singles events and supporting each other as you scan the environment for someone to flirt with, etc.

2) Exercising; outdoors or indoors

3) Watching movies or videos; at home or in a theater

4) Playing video or electronic games; at home or somewhere else

5) Attending sports events or watching sports on TV

6) Participating in team sports

7) Attending cultural events (museums, concerts, readings, etc.)

8) Shopping

9) Cooking, or eating in restaurants

10) Visiting wildlife centers, going to a county fair, hanging out to watch the dog run in an urban area, bird watching—anything that involves animals

11) Other


Part 5 of 5: What important things has this survey left out?



BONUS QUESTION: In your opinion, has the fact that this survey was created by a femme, affected it in any way?

[aishah]

Part 1 of 5: Logistic availability

1) How often do you see your friends in person? depends on the friend i have a lot of friends who don't live close by, so i see them once or twice a year, maybe a little less. friends i live near, i tend to see weekly or every few weeks depending on our schedules. sometimes more often

2) How often do you talk on the phone, email, skype, etc. a friend? pretty frequently...i use facebook to stay in touch with friends a lot (because i have support groups there with people i'm close to and only see in person infrequently). i'm pretty comfortable with skyping and emailing. phone freaks me out a little but once i get really comfortable with someone i'm okay with talking on the phone regularly

3) Is childcare a consideration, when you’re making plans with a friend? again, it depends on the friend and activity. i don't have kids but i like kids and i'm totally comfortable being around them. so i'm cool with friends bringing their kids, or not bringing their kids

4) Are finances a consideration? yes! i like doing activities that require money, and i love going out for dinner or whatever, but i also don't always have money and a lot of my friends don't have money either. so it just depends on the friend. most people i hang out with, we're comfortable enough with each other to be like "hey, i can't afford to go out for coffee this week, can we have coffee at our house instead?" so i'm really flexible where that's concerned.

5) Is accessibility or health a consideration? yes! i love going out but will only go out a lot with friends who are sensitive to the fact that i can't go places with lots of stairs, or that if we go drinking/dancing there needs to be a place to sit down and keep stuff...like one of my friends will usually sit and drink and watch our stuff while i'm dancing with other friends, etc. i also can't stand up for long periods so some activities like shopping marathons are hard for me. and i don't drive right now so i'm lucky that my friends are considerate about either finding me a ride or making sure things are walking/bus-ing distance. i have a lot of friends who are vegan so we cook at home instead of going out to restaurants, or who are in wheelchairs so we have to make sure wherever we go is wheelchair accessible, etc. so i'm used to collectively making access happen to me it strengthens a friendship.

6) Is your work or class schedule a consideration? not really - i work from home and my hours are super flexible right now.

7) Does last-minute planning figure into your friendships, either out of necessity or just because that’s the way you prefer it? because of my health issues, last-minute stuff is really hard for me. i rarely have the luxury of being spontaneous. usually when friends text me at 5pm and are like "hey, wanna go to this bar at 7pm?" i'm like...can't do it tonight. i need advanced notice most of the time.


Part 2 of 5: Boundaries, expectations and values

1) What are your thoughts on butch/femme friendships? i can be friends with anybody

2) If your partner didn’t like someone, would you still be friends with that person? yes. the only time that's really been an issue is when someone disrespected my partner and treated them like shit...then i cut that person off. but i have friends who don't get along with my partners.

3) Describe a time someone cut you off as a friend. i have a friend i've been close to for several years and she didn't like the way some of my other friends interacted on facebook, and she can just be really overbearing and a bully sometimes. since i don't always take her side she's been quietly cutting me out of important parts of her life where i used to be included. it sucks and it hurts, but i'm probably better off now. i maintain (loose) ties with her because we have a lot of mutual friends, some of whom i work with.

4) Describe a time you cut someone off as a friend. i don't think i've ever completely cut someone off, but i've had friends who i was really close to that i've become a lot less close to over the years because they don't accept certain things about me (like the fact that i am queer). i don't completely cut them out of my life because i love them, but at the same time i don't spend as much time around them because it can be toxic.

5) How would you respond, if you realized a friend had a substance abuse problem? it depends on the situation and the friend. ultimately i think it's up to them to choose when/how/in what way they want help. so i can provide emotional support and understanding but i'm not going to try and push or force them into a situation. if they've made the choice to recover i would respect their recovery needs/whatever path they choose. for example, for me, i have had struggles with certain substances and i love the na environment but i have never felt fully comfortable there for certain reasons. however if a friend chose that path i would support them and make safe spaces for them to hang out without being around substances. at the same time, if that recovery environment isn't what they need i'd support them finding a different environment and respect their decisions.

6) How would you respond, if your friend were in an abusive relationship? i would support them emotionally and help them find resources to stay safe and take care of themselves. i would also respect their decisions about how they want to handle the situation.

7) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (partnered) friend, what would you do? again, depends on the situation... if they were open to polyamory i'd be willing to give it a try, but otherwise i'd probably just be honest that i have feelings towards them but i want to remain their friend and respect their relationship, so i'm not going to act on those feelings.

8) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (single) friend, what would you do? same thing - be honest about the feelings and if they are interested in exploring that and also have romantic feelings towards me i'd give it a shot, but if they're not, i'd respect that and not act on my feelings

9) If your friend had what you considered an annoying, albeit harmless habit, would you tell her? depends on how annoying the habit is and why they have it in the first place...? normally i wouldn't bring that up because there are very few things that annoy me THAT much that it would be worth trying to make someone change.

10) Describe a time that you “outgrew” a friend, if applicable. probably the situation above re: friends cutting me off/me cutting them off. the friend who is cutting me out of her life...really, part of it is about outgrowing each other. we're just moving in really different directions and don't have similar values/priorities anymore. i don't think it's important to be really similar in every friendship, but in this one it was.

11) How many years have you known your oldest friend? How have you managed to stay friends, over time? 15 years. we met in 4th grade. we've gone through periods of being really close and not being really close (due to distance, lack of time, whatever.) but we just have a bond with each other where even if we haven't seen each other in a year it's like we can pick up right where we left off

12) Do you have any friends who are exes? What’s your philosophy about that? yes...i'm friends with almost all of my exes. i don't have a philosophy about it, that's just how it is, hehe we were friends before we got together and remained friends after we broke up. in one case, for a long time, he was probably my best friend in the world (and is still one of my closest friends). us being in a relationship was a total mistake, though...we're much better suited as close friends.

13) How do you feel about “friends with benefits”? i find casual/unattached sex to be really difficult sometimes, so it depends on the person or the friendship. i tend to shy away from "friends with benefits." but i'm not completely against it.

14) How do your expectations of a friend differ from your expectations of a romantic partner? i don't expect a friend to make a lot of time for me or check in with me all the time. i mean, i expect them to be there if i need them, but the level of emotional/physical commitment is much different. with a romantic partner, i expect to spend more time with them and they're usually the first person i call if i'm struggling with something.

15) Describe a time when you really came through for a friend. 16) Describe a time a friend really came through for you. i've supported several friends through severe emotional struggles (eating disorders, self-injury, suicide, etc.), and they've supported me and been there for me, too.

17) What are a few deal breakers that would stop you being friends with someone? someone who likes to argue a lot or turns every problem in the friendship into an argument...i would rather figure out what the problem is and how to fix it. i don't deal well with anger or combativeness as a first response. same goes for romantic relationships.

18) What are the kinds of characters flaws you can overlook in a friend? not really sure how to answer this i'm a pretty accepting person.


Part 3 of 5: How important is it to you that:

1) …your friend’s age is fairly close to yours? not important at all...i have friends who are 15 and friends who are 60 (i'm 24).

2) …your friend’s educational level is similar to yours? totally unimportant.

3) …your friend’s economic situation is similar to yours? sort of important, in the sense that...it doesn't matter to me if our situations are similar but that the person is understanding about my situation and i am understanding about theirs.

4) …your friend’s religious beliefs are similar to yours? totally unimportant. although i need them to accept that i'm very religious. (i don't care if they are.)

5) …your friend’s class background is similar to yours? see "economic situation." i find i tend to bond more closely with folks from similar class backgrounds but as long as there's acceptance/understanding it doesn't really matter that much to me.

6) …your friend’s gender identity or sexual preference is similar to yours? not important

7) …your small or adult children like your friends? not applicable.

8) …your friends like to include your children, when you hang out together? not applicable.


Part 4 of 5: Which of the following shared activities with a friend appeal to you?

1) Attending singles events and supporting each other as you scan the environment for someone to flirt with, etc. i would love this if it were single and/or available! i had a fun time with friends at a queer muslim retreat recently where we did single/available speed dating. i'd go with a friend to a singles event and support them but i often feel awkward at singles events being the poly person.

2) Exercising; outdoors or indoors depends on the activity. i can't do hardcore hiking, biking, running, etc. but i've had fun hiking with friends on easy (paved) trails. i love swimming and dancing alone or with people. doing yoga classes and stuff like that can be fun together too.

3) Watching movies or videos; at home or in a theater yes to all of the above

4) Playing video or electronic games; at home or somewhere else i'm more of a tabletop gamer, which i LOVE doing with friends, but sometimes also computer games can be fun. i don't really play video games that much but my partner is slowly getting me into them...i prefer stuff like mario kart or jeopardy as far as video games go, not the violent ones.

5) Attending sports events or watching sports on TV not a big sports fan.

6) Participating in team sports i can't play most team sports. i'd go and cheer them on though

7) Attending cultural events (museums, concerts, readings, etc.) yes to all of the above!

8) Shopping depends on the situation...when i have money it can be fun. when i don't have money, not so fun, hehe. also as far as clothes/shoes go, because of my sizes i have to order stuff online a lot and shopping in stores can be frustrating. and shopping marathons are hard on my body. thrifting can be fun though. or grocery shopping together.

9) Cooking, or eating in restaurants yes and yes! i LOVE cooking. and eating out

10) Visiting wildlife centers, going to a county fair, hanging out to watch the dog run in an urban area, bird watching—anything that involves animals all of the above, depending on how physically accessible it is i love going on trail rides and almost never get to ride horses so that's fun to do together. i like fairs and stuff too. i haven't done a lot of bird watching or anything but i'd be open to trying it

11) Other making art together! taking art, dance, or writing classes together.


Part 5 of 5: What important things has this survey left out? can't think of anything.

BONUS QUESTION: In your opinion, has the fact that this survey was created by a femme, affected it in any way? no idea.

[Apocalipstic]

Part 1 of 5: Logistic availability

1) How often do you see your friends in person? Some friends several times a week, some every month or so, some once a year, some less. It really varies.

2) How often do you talk on the phone, email, skype, etc. a friend?
I text kisses and thinking of your's the most, email some, phone every now and then, have never skyped.

3) Is childcare a consideration, when you’re making plans with a friend?
I have no children per say.

4) Are finances a consideration? Yes, money is tight.

5) Is accessibility or health a consideration? I have some limitations yes. Allergies, asthma and some mobility issues. Depends on day.

6) Is your work or class schedule a consideration? Yes, I work full time Mon thru Fri and sometimes travel for work, sometimes on weekends.

7) Does last-minute planning figure into your friendships, either out of necessity or just because that’s the way you prefer it? I like impromptu fun stuff, having to make plans too set in stone in my free time stresses me out. I like to hang loose and play by ear.

Part 2 of 5: Boundaries, expectations and values

1) What are your thoughts on butch/femme friendships? I have many Butch and Femme friends.

2) If your partner did’t like someone, would you still be friends with that person? I don't have a partner

3) Describe a time someone cut you off as a friend. I take breaks when I get stressed out.

4) Describe a time you cut someone off as a friend. Nothing dramatic, more drifting in and out.

5) How would you respond, if you realized a friend had a substance abuse problem? Depends on how they act around me. Not my business really. I can't be around hard drugs and don't enjoy out of control behavior. I will not be aorund it.

6) How would you respond, if your friend were in an abusive relationship? People usually know they are abused, and mentioning it to them has never worked out well...but I would anyway. I would help however I could if they nedded me.

7) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (partnered) friend, what would you do? Focus on how important the friendship is and keep it to myself.

8) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (single) friend, what would you do? Depends on the friend.

9) If your friend had what you considered an annoying, albeit harmless habit, would you tell her? No, and I would prefer if they not tell me about mine.

10) Describe a time that you “outgrew” a friend, if applicable. Again, people drift in and out for different reasons. Negativity and telling me what I should do make me back off.

11) How many years have you known your oldest friend? How have you managed to stay friends, over time? My closest old friend I have known for 20 years, but I have friends I have known for 40 years or more. Sometimes it's hard and we may hang out less, but it comes back around.

12) Do you have any friends who are exes? What’s your philosophy about that? Yes, I am very good friends with several of my exes. I have never been in a relationship with anyone I think is a bad person. We may not have worked out, but the friendship is still valuable.

13) How do you feel about “friends with benefits”? Yay , but can be difficult to pull off.

14) How do your expectations of a friend differ from your expectations of a romantic partner? I expect way better behavior out of a romantic partner.

15) Describe a time when you really came through for a friend. Helped a friend return to the US who had moved to another country with a girl and things did not work out.

16) Describe a time a friend really came through for you. Giving me a place to live, no questions asked, when I needed it. Came and got me when things were bad.

17) What are a few deal breakers that would stop you being friends with someone? I take breaks from people who stress me out more than actually end friendships.

18) What are the kinds of characters flaws you can overlook in a friend? If my love is deep, most of them.


Part 3 of 5: How important is it to you that:

1) …your friend’s age is fairly close to yours? Not at all

2) …your friend’s educational level is similar to yours? Not at all

3) …your friend’s economic situation is similar to yours? Not at all, as long as they respect my situation

4) …your friend’s religious beliefs are similar to yours? Not at all, as long as they honor my beliefs

5) …your friend’s class background is similar to yours? Not at all

6) …your friend’s gender identity or sexual preference is similar to yours? Not at all

7) …your small or adult children like your friends? N/A

8) …your friends like to include your children, when you hang out together? N/A. I do however, enjoy most of my friends kids and love hanging out with them.


Part 4 of 5: Which of the following shared activities with a friend appeal to you?

1) Attending singles events and supporting each other as you scan the environment for someone to flirt with, etc. Single events scare me, they seem to imply I am looking to hook up. Too much pressure.

2) Exercising; outdoors or indoors. Would love someone to walk and or swim with.

3) Watching movies or videos; at home or in a theater LOVE film!

4) Playing video or electronic games; at home or somewhere else. I will play Rock Band and Farm Town. Lol. I will hang out if a friend enjoys playing, but I am horrible and dislike being goaded into actually playing. My nephew says "Aunt Jenny, you are really bad at video games"...

5) Attending sports events or watching sports on TV. I am not into sports, but it can be fun to go to live games to watch the crowds and cheerleaders. Football on TV puts me to sleep.

6) Participating in team sports. No. I am secret weapon for the other team. SO not athletic.

7) Attending cultural events (museums, concerts, readings, etc.) Yes please!

8) Shopping. Sometimes, depends on how they shop.

9) Cooking, or eating in restaurants. Yes please!

10) Visiting wildlife centers, going to a county fair, hanging out to watch the dog run in an urban area, bird watching—anything that involves animals. I don't like crowds that much and am allergic to horses, rabbits, hay...but I love dogs.

11) Other. I love to hang out at pool and hang out at home and talk and listen to music and just hang out lol

Part 5 of 5: What important things has this survey left out? Nothing, but I do want to add that I am a Southern Girl and prefer my friends keep their opinions to themselves or talk behind my back rather than giving me their opinions about my life unless I ask them. I can be elusive, hard to pin down and enjoy my time alone.

BONUS QUESTION: In your opinion, has the fact that this survey was created by a femme, affected it in any way?
No, I think your questions were pretty neutral.

[thedivahrrrself]

Friendship Survey


Part 1 of 5: Logistic availability

1) How often do you see your friends in person?
Many of my friends live a couple hours away, so usually once a month I see my bestie. My in-town friends, sadly between school and work, don't get a lot more time than that.

2) How often do you talk on the phone, email, skype, etc. a friend?
Twice a week, unless he/she is a texter, then like every day.

3) Is childcare a consideration, when you’re making plans with a friend?
If they have children, I suppose it would be. I like doing kid stuff, but I don't like taking kids shopping.

4) Are finances a consideration?
Nope

5) Is accessibility or health a consideration?
Not for me

6) Is your work or class schedule a consideration?
Yup, I work weird hours, and go to school most weekends. Kinda limits my social interaction time.

7) Does last-minute planning figure into your friendships, either out of necessity or just because that’s the way you prefer it?
I love last-minute planning. I'm a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kind of girl. Unfortunately, significant others don't seem to like this much, so I'm learning to schedule things in advance.


Part 2 of 5: Boundaries, expectations and values

1) What are your thoughts on butch/femme friendships?
LOVE my butch friends! Most of them are not that much fun to shop with though...

2) If your partner didn’t like someone, would you still be friends with that person?
Depends on the reason they didn't like them.

3) Describe a time someone cut you off as a friend.
I can't really think of one, recently. My best friend when I was younger was a gay man, and he cut everyone out of his life to go start a new one.

4) Describe a time you cut someone off as a friend.
When I found them to be dishonest or mean, or disrespectful of my time (she stood me up for get togethers multiple times, very last minute, with no good excuses). I don't have time for people who aren't truly good people in my life.

5) How would you respond, if you realized a friend had a substance abuse problem?
This rarely ends well. I tend to say something, they tend not to like the fact that I noticed. And BTW "substance abuse problem" does not mean just using something, it means an actual problem.

6) How would you respond, if your friend were in an abusive relationship?
If it's a very close friend and physical abuse, if I'm honest, I'd probably threaten to kill the abuser. I've never been in a fight, but I'm a fierce ally if I love you.

7) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (partnered) friend, what would you do?
Distance myself until they went away.

8) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (single) friend, what would you do?
If I was single...Pine.
LOL I don't make first moves.

9) If your friend had what you considered an annoying, albeit harmless habit, would you tell her?
Probably, though he/she may or may not change it.

10) Describe a time that you “outgrew” a friend, if applicable.
I used to be more interested in having many friends rather than good ones, and as I grew up, I outgrew several friends as my standards got stricter.

11) How many years have you known your oldest friend? How have you managed to stay friends, over time?
23 years - when we get together, it's like no time has passed at all, though it may be years between our visits.

12) Do you have any friends who are exes? What’s your philosophy about that?
No, I'm trying to maintain some semblance of a friendship with my longest-relationship-ex, but I'm really not sure how people make this work. If you can, bully for you!

13) How do you feel about “friends with benefits”?
Nice in theory, doesn't usually work.

14) How do your expectations of a friend differ from your expectations of a romantic partner?
I expect my friend to be probably more loyal and more brutally honest than a partner, but then again maybe that's just my experience with partners...

15) Describe a time when you really came through for a friend.
I drove across the state to pick up a friend after her boyfriend beat her, and yes, I did threaten his life (hence my answer in question 6).

16) Describe a time a friend really came through for you.
I have some of the greatest friends in the world. My bestie has been there listening to every problem I've ever had, knowing how to cheer me up is one of the most difficult things I think a friend can do, and she always knows how to make me smile, no matter how sour my mood.

17) What are a few deal breakers that would stop you being friends with someone?
Dishonesty, drama addiction, snottiness.

18) What are the kinds of characters flaws you can overlook in a friend?
slightly judgmental, know-it-all, shopping addiction

Part 3 of 5: How important is it to you that:

1) …your friend’s age is fairly close to yours?
not at all, most of my friends are significantly older.

2) …your friend’s educational level is similar to yours?
intelligence level is more important than education level. i'm over-educated anyway.

3) …your friend’s economic situation is similar to yours?
as I get older, I realize that this should probably more important than it is. I don't necessarily mind, but it can suck to always be the one footing the bill for your friends.

4) …your friend’s religious beliefs are similar to yours?
not at all. (but no preaching)

5) …your friend’s class background is similar to yours?
I'm not sure what my class background is...LOL our socio-economic status changed a lot. I don't get along well with really spoiled people.

6) …your friend’s gender identity or sexual preference is similar to yours?
not at all

7) …your small or adult children like your friends?
n/a. my dogs will probably not like you, at first. Just FYI

8) …your friends like to include your children, when you hang out together?
If I have to drive somewhere for a weekend trip, the chihuahua is probably coming. Get used to it. and be glad I left the hairy one at home.

Part 4 of 5: Which of the following shared activities with a friend appeal to you?

1) Attending singles events and supporting each other as you scan the environment for someone to flirt with, etc.
meh...if that's what ya wanna do, ok...

2) Exercising; outdoors or indoors
very, I ♥ walking, even if it's not for "exercise", I walk a LOT.

3) Watching movies or videos; at home or in a theater
can be fun

4) Playing video or electronic games; at home or somewhere else
not required, but I have a Kinect, and the Star Wars game just came out I'm just sayin'....

5) Attending sports events or watching sports on TV
Not important. I like women's sports. I hate the NFL. I will only do that crap for a partner.

6) Participating in team sports
I suck at all sports, but I have heart! (dodgeball or bowling preferred. please don't make me catch a ball or swing at anything. it's not likely to happen)

7) Attending cultural events (museums, concerts, readings, etc.)
YES! please be geeky.

8) Shopping
Important, though I understand if this is not your thing. Must have good taste in shoes.

9) Cooking, or eating in restaurants
I love to eat. I'm learning to love to cook, so bear with me on that one.

10) Visiting wildlife centers, going to a county fair, hanging out to watch the dog run in an urban area, bird watching—anything that involves animals
I dig the zoo, I'll probably stick to the rides at the fair. I live in Oklahoma, I've seen enough cows to last a lifetime, thanks. I ♥ the dog park. I'm probably not a good birdwatching companion. I'm a terrible fisher(wo)man, so you'll have to bait my hook.

11) Other
"Other" is very important. Must be an "other"

Part 5 of 5: What important things has this survey left out?

Geekiness - must like at least one of the following things:

Science (astronomy/physics earns you extra coolness points)
History
Technology
Star Wars/Game of Thrones/Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (bonus points for all three)

BONUS QUESTION: In your opinion, has the fact that this survey was created by a femme, affected it in any way?

Yes, it made me immediately think of shoe shopping after I read that.

[Ginger]

From Aishah!

1) Attending singles events and supporting each other as you scan the environment for someone to flirt with, etc. i would love this if it were single and/or available! i had a fun time with friends at a queer muslim retreat recently where we did single/available speed dating. i'd go with a friend to a singles event and support them but i often feel awkward at singles events being the poly person.

Aishah, I never thought about that, how it would feel to be poly at a singles event! You just opened my eyes. Your whole survey was so thoughtful.

[Ginger]

5) Attending sports events or watching sports on TV
Not important. I like women's sports. I hate the NFL. I will only do that crap for a partner.


Diva your whole set of survey answers is so full of humor. I had no idea you were so funny—and so honest, too!


Scout

[Ginger]

Part 5 of 5: What important things has this survey left out? Nothing, but I do want to add that I am a Southern Girl and prefer my friends keep their opinions to themselves or talk behind my back rather than giving me their opinions about my life unless I ask them. I can be elusive, hard to pin down and enjoy my time alone.

Apocalipstic, this part is so interesting to me, a glimpse into what you identify as your Southern values. I had never heard it expressed that way. So fun to read your answers!

Scout

[clay]

awesome survey, Island Scout.....my only "concern" is that the replies are all in small and same color font as questions...so I had to forego reading them as they are so long and so small to read....(I have "old" eyes)...lol...carry on

[Ginger]

Originally Posted by claybaby

awesome survey, Island Scout.....my only "concern" is that the replies are all in small and same color font as questions...so I had to forego reading them as they are so long and so small to read....(I have "old" eyes)...lol...carry on

Oh Clay I'm sorry you're having a hard time reading this! I don't how to fix that...

I know it's really long, and I tried to encourage people to just answer the few that interest them, if they like. But so far people have really taken it on in its entirety!

Thanks for writing and Hi,
Scout

[thedivahrrrself]

Originally Posted by IslandScout

Oh Clay I'm sorry you're having a hard time reading this! I don't how to fix that...

I know it's really long, and I tried to encourage people to just answer the few that interest them, if they like. But so far people have really taken it on in its entirety!

Thanks for writing and Hi,
Scout

Oops, too late to edit and change the color of the answers. My eyes are not that great either, you'd think I'd be more considerate.

[nycfem]

Part 1 of 5: Logistic availability

1) How often do you see your friends in person?

Maybe once or twice a month if local and once a year or every few years if not.

2) How often do you talk on the phone, email, skype, etc. a friend?

Never Skype, sometimes email, love to talk on the phone if it's someone who can get off when one of us wants without any awkwardness, like the way I talk to my mom (several times a day but often about nothing and sometimes for hours and sometimes just a few minutes).

3) Is childcare a consideration, when you’re making plans with a friend?

No, not even dog care. I have cats. Purrrfect!

4) Are finances a consideration?

No, if one of us or both of us does not have or want to spend money, I love to walk or sit in the park.

5) Is accessibility or health a consideration?

No. I would hope to always make every accommodation possible for anyone's health or accessibility issues.

6) Is your work or class schedule a consideration?

I work a school schedule and take some classes in the afternoon / evening sometimes. I'm free right after school so sometimes it's frustrating to have an evening plan on a week day and have the "wait" time in between.

7) Does last-minute planning figure into your friendships, either out of necessity or just because that’s the way you prefer it?

I enjoy planned or last minute activities.


Part 2 of 5: Boundaries, expectations and values

1) What are your thoughts on butch/femme friendships?

I have both, and let's not forget the FTMs

2) If your partner didn’t like someone, would you still be friends with that person?

If it's very important to my partner, I would not. If it's not important, then I would. BB and I frequently have separate friends, and we don't mind that.

3) Describe a time someone cut you off as a friend.

She got romantically involved with someone more conservative/mainstream and not BF identified and became pregnant, and we just veered in different directions. I think I subconsciously "tested" her by becoming particularly difficult. Subconsciously I think I wanted her to say, "I love you unconditionally. We'll get through this." I also wonder if I was being difficult because subconsciously I wanted to push her to end our friendship. In any case, when she did end it, I went into a grieving like the end of any longtime love, platonic or otherwise. My heart still has pangs.

4) Describe a time you cut someone off as a friend.

She had a mean streak and wasn't there for me during an important time in my life. I wasn't able to talk to her about it or to let it go. I just distanced myself gradually and she took the hint. She was actually a rebound close friend from the one I described above. I remember when we met I told her what happened with the friend I described above and she said, "I'll be your new BFF." I thought, "Wow, how easy!" But of course, friends can't be replaced. Such a silly idea.

5) How would you respond, if you realized a friend had a substance abuse problem?

I tend to stay quiet about it unless it is glaring or help is asked for.

6) How would you respond, if your friend were in an abusive relationship?

This is always difficult for me. How much to say, how much to keep quiet. It's so hard. I have a few close friends in abusive relationships, and I guess I just play it by ear.

7) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (partnered) friend, what would you do?

Since I'm partnered, clearly the answer would be a foursome. Just kidding, but my mind always leans towards the perverse.


8) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (single) friend, what would you do?

My friendships are deep, and I often have romantic thoughts about friends. I am also a flirt but in a monogamous relationship, so that is as far as it goes.

9) If your friend had what you considered an annoying, albeit harmless habit, would you tell her?

I don't think it's worth telling someone to act different just for me, so usually just ignore it. Maybe if it was really getting to me, I'd hint or bring it up directly.

10) Describe a time that you “outgrew” a friend, if applicable.

I had a gay male friend who was off his rocker, tremendously difficult to deal with, but had a lot of strong points (Don't all gay men!). Finally, I just couldn't take the roller coaster and got off. Sometimes I regret it but mostly I'm relieved.

11) How many years have you known your oldest friend? How have you managed to stay friends, over time?

I have a friend, Lisa, who I used to walk to kindergarten with. She'd stay home if I was not going. Even though she ended up staying in small town Ohio, marrying a man, and having kids, and generally leading a much more conservative lifestyle than me, we somehow continue to share memories, humor, and love. Our friendship held. She has breast cancer, and I will fall to pieces if I lose her. She and her kids might visit this summer, and I visit them when I go to Ohio. There is nothing like an old friend.

12) Do you have any friends who are exes? What’s your philosophy about that?

I have light friendships with exes, and that's how I like it! No contact or very casual contact is what works for me.

13) How do you feel about “friends with benefits”?

N/A, in a monogamous life partnership with my husbutch

14) How do your expectations of a friend differ from your expectations of a romantic partner?

I take both very seriously. If I have an issue with a friend, I bring it up. Get ready to process.

15) Describe a time when you really came through for a friend.

I let a friend move in with me when she was going through a nervous breakdown. I've given money I don't have. I'd do anything for my real friends.

16) Describe a time a friend really came through for you.

He got me a job at his workplace when I was hating my job at the time.

17) What are a few deal breakers that would stop you being friends with someone?

I think its individual. Sometimes I'll deal with a lot of shit that someone puts out if there are some key aspects that I groove on. I'm not fond of liars. And I expect you to have my back.

18) What are the kinds of characters flaws you can overlook in a friend?

Narcissism.

Part 3 of 5: How important is it to you that:

1) …your friend’s age is fairly close to yours? Not at all.

2) …your friend’s educational level is similar to yours? Not at all.

3) …your friend’s economic situation is similar to yours? Not at all.

4) …your friend’s religious beliefs are similar to yours? Not at all.

5) …your friend’s class background is similar to yours? Not at all.

6) …your friend’s gender identity or sexual preference is similar to yours? Not at all.

7) …your small or adult children like your friends? N/A

8) …your friends like to include your children, when you hang out together? N/A


Part 4 of 5: Which of the following shared activities with a friend appeal to you?

1) Attending singles events and supporting each other as you scan the environment for someone to flirt with, etc. N/A

2) Exercising; outdoors or indoors: VERY much! Love to go on walks.

3) Watching movies or videos; at home or in a theater: Love this too!

4) Playing video or electronic games; at home or somewhere else: Prefer board games.

5) Attending sports events or watching sports on TV: Ugh.

6) Participating in team sports Ugh

7) Attending cultural events (museums, concerts, readings, etc.) If it's something cultural that I'm really into. I'm pretty picky.

8) Shopping Not my thing.

9) Cooking, or eating in restaurants: Sometimes.

10) Visiting wildlife centers, going to a county fair, hanging out to watch the dog run in an urban area, bird watching—anything that involves animals
Doesn't sound like my thing.


11) Other: I like to go to the park and sit on a blanket with a friend. Do art, play games, have a picnic.


Part 5 of 5: What important things has this survey left out?

What quirks do I bring to a friendship?

I like to do things while I'm talking to you and it doesn't mean you're not interesting. I like to do crafts at all times, stuff I can do while still listening, bonding with you. I'm just weird like that. Don't take it personally.



BONUS QUESTION: In your opinion, has the fact that this survey was created by a femme, affected it in any way?

I don't think so.

[tazz]

Part 1 of 5: Logistic availability

1) How often do you see your friends in person?
seldom

2) How often do you talk on the phone, email, skype, etc. a friend?
at least once a week

3) Is childcare a consideration, when you’re making plans with a friend? nope

4) Are finances a consideration?
yep

5) Is accessibility or health a consideration?
nope

6) Is your work or class schedule a consideration?
yep

7) Does last-minute planning figure into your friendships, either out of necessity or just because that’s the way you prefer it?
once in a while i do last minute planning.


Part 2 of 5: Boundaries, expectations and values

1) What are your thoughts on butch/femme friendships?
it's kewl

2) If your partner didn’t like someone, would you still be friends with that person?
yes

3) Describe a time someone cut you off as a friend.
when they decided not to contact me anymore

4) Describe a time you cut someone off as a friend.
if someone finds it takes too much energy to be my friend, i don't want them in my life. i'm worth it~and i don't take up all that much energy.

5) How would you respond, if you realized a friend had a substance abuse problem?
not sure

6) How would you respond, if your friend were in an abusive relationship? been there done that... they are grown ups and can take care of themselves. i'm not a counselor.

7) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (partnered) friend, what would you do?
keep it to myself, it's no one's business. write about it in my journal or tell my therapist. keep it in a file somewhere. you can like anyone you want... just don't act on your feelings.

8) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (single) friend, what would you do?
been there done that... now i keep my feelings to myself, or i share them with my journal or my therapist.

9) If your friend had what you considered an annoying, albeit harmless habit, would you tell her?
no, it's part of her, and i accept her for all she is.

10) Describe a time that you “outgrew” a friend, if applicable.
we all evolve and change, and part of that change means that some friendships last a very long time, or a season.

11) How many years have you known your oldest friend? How have you managed to stay friends, over time?
i have known my oldest friend for over 30 years and we do not stay in touch anymore. we are emotionally and spiritually on the opposite sides of the planet.

12) Do you have any friends who are exes? What’s your philosophy about that?
nope. once things end, i put the nail in the coffin.

13) How do you feel about “friends with benefits”?
nope. i wind up getting hurt.

14) How do your expectations of a friend differ from your expectations of a romantic partner?
of course yes!

15) Describe a time when you really came through for a friend.

16) Describe a time a friend really came through for you.

17) What are a few deal breakers that would stop you being friends with someone?

18) What are the kinds of characters flaws you can overlook in a friend?


Part 3 of 5: How important is it to you that:

1) …your friend’s age is fairly close to yours? nope

2) …your friend’s educational level is similar to yours? nope

3) …your friend’s economic situation is similar to yours? kinda

4) …your friend’s religious beliefs are similar to yours? yes

5) …your friend’s class background is similar to yours?

6) …your friend’s gender identity or sexual preference is similar to yours?

7) …your small or adult children like your friends?

8) …your friends like to include your children, when you hang out together?


Part 4 of 5: Which of the following shared activities with a friend appeal to you?

1) Attending singles events and supporting each other as you scan the environment for someone to flirt with, etc.

2) Exercising; outdoors or indoors

3) Watching movies or videos; at home or in a theater

4) Playing video or electronic games; at home or somewhere else

5) Attending sports events or watching sports on TV

6) Participating in team sports

7) Attending cultural events (museums, concerts, readings, etc.)

8) Shopping

9) Cooking, or eating in restaurants

10) Visiting wildlife centers, going to a county fair, hanging out to watch the dog run in an urban area, bird watching—anything that involves animals

11) Other


Part 5 of 5: What important things has this survey left out?



BONUS QUESTION: In your opinion, has the fact that this survey was created by a femme, affected it in any way?

[nycfem]

Scout, we eagerly await your answers

[LaneyDoll]

Part 1 of 5: Logistic availability

1) How often do you see your friends in person?
Frequently.

2) How often do you talk on the phone, email, skype, etc. a friend?
Daily.

3) Is childcare a consideration, when you’re making plans with a friend?
Yes; I have children.

4) Are finances a consideration?
Yes, aren't they always? But I can have fun with little money as easily as I can with a lot.

5) Is accessibility or health a consideration?
Not typically for me; I am flexible with regards to someone else.

6) Is your work or class schedule a consideration?
Naturally.

7) Does last-minute planning figure into your friendships, either out of necessity or just because that’s the way you prefer it?
Not usually, but I am ok with last minute plans.


Part 2 of 5: Boundaries, expectations and values

1) What are your thoughts on butch/femme friendships?
I value friendships in all forms. I love to have friends that I learn from so another point of view is always welcome.

2) If your partner didn’t like someone, would you still be friends with that person?
It would depend on the reasons. If they did not like "that friend" because that friend was secretly hitting on them, bashing me etc, I would end the friendship.

3) Describe a time someone cut you off as a friend.
A friend once told me I was "getting a big head" and did not really speak to me much after that. It was actually ok with me, she did not really support my new ventures into the D/s lifestyle, although she was part of it.

4) Describe a time you cut someone off as a friend.
I will cut people off if they start draining on me emotionally; I have a lot going on and have plenty of room for all friends, but not friends who always have drama etc.

5) How would you respond, if you realized a friend had a substance abuse problem?
I tend to not befriend people who heavily use drugs, it is too risky since I have children.

6) How would you respond, if your friend were in an abusive relationship?
I would be supportive but someone is not going to leave a bad situation until they are ready. If you push, you may lose them entirely.

7) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (partnered) friend, what would you do?
Remind myself that we are friends and that my feelings are likely to be a crush based on some innocent behavior. It is never worth breaking apart a relationship-or losing one yourself.

8) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (single) friend, what would you do?
See above; I am in a relationship and I truly love who I am with-no one else can compare.

9) If your friend had what you considered an annoying, albeit harmless habit, would you tell her?
Possibly but more than likely not.

10) Describe a time that you “outgrew” a friend, if applicable.
I outgrew a lifelong friend from high school last year. She and I have different views and seeing who she has become saddens me.

11) How many years have you known your oldest friend? How have you managed to stay friends, over time?
All of my life-she is my sister.

12) Do you have any friends who are exes? What’s your philosophy about that?
Yes. They are mainly people I dated and we realized that we are friendship material not relationship material. I have one relationship ex that I am friends with but our participation in the D/s lifestyle causes us to be in the same space. Friendship with her and her girl is a lot better for everyone than hatred; especially when we have both moved on.

13) How do you feel about “friends with benefits”?
I think that they are fine-as long as each person is clear on what is expected of them and for them.

14) How do your expectations of a friend differ from your expectations of a romantic partner?
I expect my friends to accept me fully; I expect a romantic partner to be willing to compromise.

15) Describe a time when you really came through for a friend.


16) Describe a time a friend really came through for you.
Some friends once drove an hour out of their way (two ways) to rescue me from being stranded on the side of the road; it meant a lot since they were on their way out to eat with family.

17) What are a few deal breakers that would stop you being friends with someone?
Lying; cruelty; being drama filled.

18) What are the kinds of characters flaws you can overlook in a friend?
Most anything except those listed above.


Part 3 of 5: How important is it to you that:

1) …your friend’s age is fairly close to yours?
Does not matter; some of my fave friends (and my relationship) are more than 10 years in age difference.

2) …your friend’s educational level is similar to yours?
Does not matter; everyone can teach us something.

3) …your friend’s economic situation is similar to yours?
Does not matter as long as they realize I may have to bow out of things sometimes due to lack of funds.

4) …your friend’s religious beliefs are similar to yours?
Does not matter as long as they do not try to force their beliefs onto me.

5) …your friend’s class background is similar to yours?
Does not matter.

6) …your friend’s gender identity or sexual preference is similar to yours?
Does not matter as long as they accept my preferences.

7) …your small or adult children like your friends?
Does not matter, I do not always let my friends meet my kids,

8) …your friends like to include your children, when you hang out together?
See above.


Part 4 of 5: Which of the following shared activities with a friend appeal to you?

1) Attending singles events and supporting each other as you scan the environment for someone to flirt with, etc.
No appeal.

2) Exercising; outdoors or indoors
Sure

3) Watching movies or videos; at home or in a theater
Sure

4) Playing video or electronic games; at home or somewhere else
Sure

5) Attending sports events or watching sports on TV
Sure

6) Participating in team sports
I am not very athletic but I will go watch

7) Attending cultural events (museums, concerts, readings, etc.)
Love!

8) Shopping
Love!

9) Cooking, or eating in restaurants
Love!

10) Visiting wildlife centers, going to a county fair, hanging out to watch the dog run in an urban area, bird watching—anything that involves animals
Sure

11) Other
depends on what it is.


Part 5 of 5: What important things has this survey left out?
I do not really see anything.



BONUS QUESTION: In your opinion, has the fact that this survey was created by a femme, affected it in any way?
No, but by now, everyone should realize that I do not really judge people. It was a fun survey.

[ruffryder]

Part 1 of 5: Logistic availability

1) How often do you see your friends in person? not very often.

2) How often do you talk on the phone, email, skype, etc. a friend? same as above. FB is usually the form of communication with friends.

3) Is childcare a consideration, when you’re making plans with a friend? not anymore. my daughter is grown.

4) Are finances a consideration? could be.

5) Is accessibility or health a consideration? perhaps if it is for them.

6) Is your work or class schedule a consideration? yup.

7) Does last-minute planning figure into your friendships, either out of necessity or just because that’s the way you prefer it? It happens planned or unplanned.


Part 2 of 5: Boundaries, expectations and values

1) What are your thoughts on butch/femme friendships? they can be a good thing.

2) If your partner didn’t like someone, would you still be friends with that person? most likely not because there would more than likely be a reason why.

3) Describe a time someone cut you off as a friend. we didn't have the same views so I guess they felt we had nothing in common?

4) Describe a time you cut someone off as a friend. I don't like lying and drama.

5) How would you respond, if you realized a friend had a substance abuse problem? I would bring it up so we could talk about it.

6) How would you respond, if your friend were in an abusive relationship? Same as 5. I would tell them they deserve better, no one should be abused and I'm here if they need me. More than likely I would go off on the abuser. I don't like my loved ones being harmed.

7) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (partnered) friend, what would you do? There would have to be a conversation about this as to why there are feelings.

8) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (single) friend, what would you do? If I am single I would find out if they feel the same and perhaps take it to the next level if we felt the friendship wouldn't be broken. Ruined the friendship once and worked to our advantage another time. I think both people have to feel the same and not hold back.

9) If your friend had what you considered an annoying, albeit harmless habit, would you tell her? probably.

10) Describe a time that you “outgrew” a friend, if applicable. I would say in high school and in my 20's and because I just didn't go out to clubs/bars as much as them anymore.

11) How many years have you known your oldest friend? How have you managed to stay friends, over time? 20+ years. . and continued talking and staying in touch over the years.

12) Do you have any friends who are exes? What’s your philosophy about that? I do. I think space is needed for healing and forgiving before you can approach a friendship again.

13) How do you feel about “friends with benefits”? I've been there, done that. In my case It turned into more. I guess it can work depending on what each wants and expects.

14) How do your expectations of a friend differ from your expectations of a romantic partner? I have higher expectations when I'm in a relationship.

15) Describe a time when you really came through for a friend. I was their soft place to land when they needed an escape.

16) Describe a time a friend really came through for you. Kept me sane and offered support and assistance.

17) What are a few deal breakers that would stop you being friends with someone? lies, put my life or one of my loved one's in danger, excessive drug/alcohol abuse, drama llama, it has stopped being a give and take relationship, find out they are talking shit.

18) What are the kinds of characters flaws you can overlook in a friend? quirks, bad habits.. we all have them!


Part 3 of 5: How important is it to you that:

1) …your friend’s age is fairly close to yours? not very important

2) …your friend’s educational level is similar to yours? not important

3) …your friend’s economic situation is similar to yours? not important

4) …your friend’s religious beliefs are similar to yours? not very important

5) …your friend’s class background is similar to yours? not important

6) …your friend’s gender identity or sexual preference is similar to yours? not important

7) …your small or adult children like your friends? somewhat important

8) …your friends like to include your children, when you hang out together? sometimes important


Part 4 of 5: Which of the following shared activities with a friend appeal to you? Watching movies or videos; at home or in a theater, Attending sports events or watching sports on TV , Attending cultural events (museums, concerts, readings, etc.), Shopping, Cooking, or eating in restaurants, Going to places with the kids, Swimming, Going to the beach, Sometimes clubbing, going to a lounge/bar to play pool.

Part 5 of 5: What important things has this survey left out?


BONUS QUESTION: In your opinion, has the fact that this survey was created by a femme, affected it in any way? Nope.

[Medusa]

Part 1 of 5: Logistic availability

1) How often do you see your friends in person?

It depends. I have several local friends that I see about once a month but I am also good friends with several people I work with who I see every day. Most of my dearest friends live in other states so I see them once or twice a year.

2) How often do you talk on the phone, email, skype, etc. a friend?

Every day. I often wake up to at least 1 or 2 Facebook messages or emails and talk on the phone with 3 of my really good friends almost daily. Sometimes we'll go for a week or even two without talking on the phone but it often depends on the ebb and flow of life. I text a lot as well. I don't make it a point to talk to people every day but it often happens organically.

3) Is childcare a consideration, when you’re making plans with a friend?

Not for me since I don't have any kids but it could be if I thought the friend who did have kids wanted to bring her kids to our "girls day out" due to lack of childcare. I might offer to pay for childcare in that instance.


4) Are finances a consideration?

Yes, but we don't start the conversation with "how much dough do you have". I am very frank with my friends about money as they are with me so we sometimes do things that don't cost anything if we're both broke and we sometimes will go all out on something extravagant. I always try to be conscious of knowing the situations of my friends finances so that I dont suggest that we go to Las Vegas if I know they're struggling.

5) Is accessibility or health a consideration?

In the background it is. Like, I am not going to ask a friend who I know has trouble walking long distances to go hiking or something. Even for me, I am not going to be going somewhere that requires me to climb 40 flights of stairs in order to do the activity. (At least not without great pain)

6) Is your work or class schedule a consideration?

Yes. My work schedule is CRAZY. Like, I worked 13 hours today and that can happen almost any time and I often end up working on the weekends. My local friends know that I generally do not plan to do things on Mondays, Tuesdays, or Wednesdays because my schedule is stupid those days. I also generally do not go out on week nights unless it is a quick dinner in town.

7) Does last-minute planning figure into your friendships, either out of necessity or just because that’s the way you prefer it?

It does in the way that I have a hard boundary around last minute-type stuff being thrown in my lap unless it's completely unavoidable. Don't get me wrong, the occasional "Hey, when you get off at 5:00pm do you want to go for drinks?" is cool as shit but calling me at 9 o'clock on a Friday night and telling me that you need me to drive you to the airport at 5am because you just "assume" I have nothing to do or didn't plan your shit out will make me growl.


Part 2 of 5: Boundaries, expectations and values

1) What are your thoughts on butch/femme friendships?

The vast majority of my very close friendships are with Butches and Femmes and Transpeople. I do believe as well that we are all capable of having friends of varying gender presentations!

2) If your partner didn’t like someone, would you still be friends with that person?

I am currently friends with a couple of people that my partner doesn't care for. We don't require of one another that we agree on the autonomous friendships of one another and I like it that way. The only thing that would change that is if the friend in question is disrespectful of my partner or relationship. At that point, they'd have to go.

3) Describe a time someone cut you off as a friend.

I had someone stop speaking to me over a perceived slight, something that they perceived me as having intentionally done to them to hurt their feelings. They were going through a hard time in their life and were kinda lashing out at me in a really unfair way over something ridiculous that I really had nothing to do with. I knew in the big picture that was much more about them than it was about me but it hurt. It was really frustrating because they were super unreasonable and childish during that scenario and seemed to completely disregard that I had never once been disloyal to them, had anything but the best intentions for them, or loved them deeply. It hurt like hell.

4) Describe a time you cut someone off as a friend.

I had to let someone go for violating my personal boundaries and placing unreal expectations on me. I have the general expectation that my friends are going to manage their own lives and take personal responsibility for themselves and I had to cut a person off who expected me to be a surrogate wife and mother to them. They often placed crazy expectations on me about what I was "supposed" to be doing and then would shame me for daring to live a life that was not centered around their needs. I loved that person for a long time but had to let go with love and be thankful for the good parts and let the rest go.

5) How would you respond, if you realized a friend had a substance abuse problem?

If it were someone like June and I thought she was on Heroin, I would fly up to Oregon and drive her ass to rehab myself and then I would kick Kat's ass for letting it go on.

6) How would you respond, if your friend were in an abusive relationship?

I would listen and make suggestions and try to encourage them to make healthy choices. And I would tell them my door was open when they were ready to leave. I've been there. That decision has to happen in the heart.

7) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (partnered) friend, what would you do?

I am so madly in love with my partner it would never happen but in a dreamland, I would want to tell Jackhammer and we would talk about it between us so that we could address the relationship issue that was causing it instead of addressing the residual attraction. And then I would take some space from the partnered friend.

Years ago, that was Jackhammer and I. We were both living with other people in dead relationships and loved each other in a mutually-silenced way that we never spoke of for 6 years. Eventually, we had to have that discussion and the rest is history.

8) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (single) friend, what would you do?

Wouldn't happen at this juncture.


9) If your friend had what you considered an annoying, albeit harmless habit, would you tell her?

Heck no, we've all got our stuff. Now, don't get me wrong, if she liked to eat boogers I would definitely tell her about herself.

10) Describe a time that you “outgrew” a friend, if applicable.

I had a friend who was kinda stuck in a really self-loathing, stunted place. I was doing a lot of work on myself and growing by leaps and bounds and that was a journey she could not take with me.


11) How many years have you known your oldest friend? How have you managed to stay friends, over time?

My oldest friend is someone I have known since Junior High (25 years).
We email weekly, talk on the phone, and see each other about once a year (she's about 3 hours from here)

12) Do you have any friends who are exes? What’s your philosophy about that?

Nope. My exes tend to do really hateful shit during the breakups so I gotta keep my distance.


13) How do you feel about “friends with benefits”?

Consenting adults should be able to do what they want.

14) How do your expectations of a friend differ from your expectations of a romantic partner?

I don't expect my friends to fuck me.


15) Describe a time when you really came through for a friend.

I had a friend who was in a personal crisis for almost a year and was on the phone with her every single night for like 2 hours trying to help her get through her shit. I bent over backwards to make her feel included in my friendship circles and gave her TONS of my personal time and basically made her part of the family.

16) Describe a time a friend really came through for you.

I asked some key people to help me make this website happen and they showed up for the job and are still here.

17) What are a few deal breakers that would stop you being friends with someone?

Someone with shitty boundaries and no personal responsibility. Liars, theives, and con artists also have to fucking go. Messy behavior in people with shitty black hearts who are mean as hell and who want to remain exactly where they are in their life (don't want to do better)


18) What are the kinds of characters flaws you can overlook in a friend?

Bossyness. Brattyness. Messy behavior in people with good hearts who want to grow.


Part 3 of 5: How important is it to you that:

1) …your friend’s age is fairly close to yours? NOT

2) …your friend’s educational level is similar to yours? NOT

3) …your friend’s economic situation is similar to yours? NOT

4) …your friend’s religious beliefs are similar to yours? NOT

5) …your friend’s class background is similar to yours? NOT

6) …your friend’s gender identity or sexual preference is similar to yours? NOT

7) …your small or adult children like your friends? Dont have any

8) …your friends like to include your children, when you hang out together? I don't have any.


Part 4 of 5: Which of the following shared activities with a friend appeal to you?

1) Attending singles events and supporting each other as you scan the environment for someone to flirt with, etc.: I'm not single.

2) Exercising; outdoors or indoors: I love any of this shit!

3) Watching movies or videos; at home or in a theater: YES!

4) Playing video or electronic games; at home or somewhere else: I like games!

5) Attending sports events or watching sports on TV: I don't like to watch sports but will attend them

6) Participating in team sports : Volleyball or baseball please!

7) Attending cultural events (museums, concerts, readings, etc.): I'm all over that shit.

8) Shopping: YES

9) Cooking, or eating in restaurants: Love it.

10) Visiting wildlife centers, going to a county fair, hanging out to watch the dog run in an urban area, bird watching—anything that involves animals: All of it!

11) Other


Part 5 of 5: What important things has this survey left out?

It's pretty comprehensive!


BONUS QUESTION: In your opinion, has the fact that this survey was created by a femme, affected it in any way?

Nope!

[Ginger]

Originally Posted by nycfembbw

Scout, we eagerly await your answers

OMG I completely forgot ME!! LOL

I'll get right on it!

[Ginger]

14) How do your expectations of a friend differ from your expectations of a romantic partner?

I don't expect my friends to fuck me.



Ha, Medusa I loved your brevity and honesty and this one made me laugh out loud at work!

I also "heard" you about outgrowing a friend who was in a "self-loathing" place. I can be really, really hard on myself and I don't need to be around people who are even worse (at least I try to get out of it).

Scout

[LaneyDoll]

I knew I missed one; I accidentally answered #16 in the place for #15 and forgot to come back to answer after I made the correction...


15) Describe a time when you really came through for a friend.
I think it is hard to say when I came through for someone, they would be better equipped to answer that. What I see as day to day friendship, someone else may see as "coming through."

[Ginger]

5) Is accessibility or health a consideration? perhaps if it is for them.



Hi, Ruffrider. That's really a thoughtful response. I liked your survey's no-nonsense honesty. Scout