Parker's Pad

[Parker]

Here's where I start my own thread to toss out anything from stories to blog entries to spoken word pieces to thoughts that roll around in my head and maybe even a video or two.

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I think I'll start off with something I love - I wrote it a couple of years ago when I was working on the Vet Art Project Seattle, which was a project for Vets to get together with artists who would help them with spoken word, music, dance, etc to explore their feelings about war, the military etc.

We performed our pieces in March 2010 and originally, I met with the organizer to stage manage the production, but as we talked through lunch, she decided I had too much to say not to perform. After a lot of agonizing over standing up in front of actual people and performing something, she convinced me.

Coincidentally (well, not really, I dont believe in coincidence), I had just written a rant in my private blog a day or so before she called me and when she and I had lunch, I spoke about it. She liked it, so I developed it a little and it became a spoken word piece.

What follows is a video a friend took of my performance of the piece, as well as the text - hopefully, sharing this will give me the kick in the ass that I need to do some more writing.

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Patriotism

Written & Performed by Parker Wolf
March 2010

I, Parker Wolf, do solemnly swear that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; and that I will obey the orders of the President of the United States and the orders of the officers appointed over me, according to regulations and the Uniform Code of Military Justice.

When I first took that oath in January 1992, I was a few months shy of 21 years old and not thinking about god and country; I was thinking about college and the GI Bill.

Then later, as I spent more time in the Navy, training the men who would be shipped off to parts unknown, it became about the women and men around me.

I was an airman in the United States Navy and my first duty station was called a "rag squadron." It was comprised of about 98% women who trained men from other squadrons as they prepared to be deployed on aircraft carriers.

At that time, women were not stationed on ships, save for hospital ships, and the feminist in me was outraged at the idea that women were not allowed on certain ships and careers in the Navy, that a woman's physical testing was easier than a man's, that women were treated differently.

Later, as I looked back on that time and compared it to today, I started to realize that in certain situations, one human life is more valuable than another.

There was a time, when it came to combat in the military, that a woman's life was placed above that of a man's. It was always men that the US would send off to war; men who would come back shattered physically and emotionally or in body bags; men who were drafted.

Similarly, when it comes to the death of a human being, a soldier's death is placed above that of a civilian. Hell, we even have parades and motorcades for fallen soldiers.

A soldier from my hometown died in a roadside bomb a while back. The town had a parade for him; a 7 minute motorcade complete with police cars, fire trucks, ambulances, and dozens of motorcycles both leading and following his casket, family, and friends.

But where is the parade for the single mother of 3 who worked 2 jobs just to survive and put her kids through the best schools she could possibly afford, only to die of cancer from the factory that housed one of the many jobs she held over the years?

Where is the parade for the parents who were killed in a car accident by a drunk driver while taking their kids to Disneyland?

Where is the parade for the convenience store clerk shot to death by a mentally unstable man who was turned down for treatment - during a robbery of the store the clerk didn’t own; and at which he only made minimum wage?

When watching the videos on YouTube and seeing all of the tributes for that fallen soldier from my hometown, I asked myself: why is a soldier's death more important than an ordinary citizen's death?

The answer that we invariably get from those who consider themselves "patriots" around the country is that this soldier and thousands like him died for our freedom; that "freedom isn’t free" and he paid the ultimate price so I could stand before you now and denounce the war.

To those "patriots," I say bullshit!

Our freedom isn’t at stake here, our wallets are!

A country has not occupied the US, causing us to fight for our freedom and our very lives, these are countries that have resources that we want; and countries that we feel should be just like us, damn their own belief systems and traditions!

So we invade and we occupy these countries and we are then surprised and dismayed when our soldiers die from their resistance of our occupation.

Why?

For money.

Our soldiers are dying for money.

And instead of calling the President out and reminding him that he promised this shit would stop, we celebrate their deaths with motorcades and parades.

Because, and let's be honest here, to some, to denounce this occupation publicly means we are traitors .. that we are NOT patriots.

But unless you took that oath, unless you signed on that dotted line, unless you promised with all that you are that you would support and defend the Constitution of the United States, don’t speak to me about patriotism - and frankly, kiss my ass!

Now that I am older and have seen more than I needed to, I think back on that oath - an oath that I took twice - and I consider it a lifetime oath.

So I will support the Constitution of the United States - against ALL enemies, foreign AND domestic. I will protect it from the bigots who believe only certain people should have rights while others are left behind and treated as second-class citizens. I will stand up and support it against members of our government who would change it as they see fit. I will not stand by and watch anyone in a position of authority abuse that authority while ignoring the rights of the individual.

I will exercise my rights to speak against an occupation that we know is wrong, but cannot seem to get past our own fears and egos to end.

Because if these women and men are so goddamned important to us that their deaths deserve a parade, then why aren't they important enough to us to BRING THEM THE FUCK HOME??

Now, THAT'S a parade I would attend!

[gaea]

that is a parade i would attend as well.

You were brave to have gone in the military, brave to have endured and seen all you have.

I really enjoyed your first post.

[Parker]

Thank you

Let the kick in the ass to write more commence lol

[gaea]

yep..it just takes once lol

[Parker]

Back in 1994, I was a baby dyke in the Navy, stationed in San Diego but dating a woman who was stationed up in Point Magu near Oxnard, CA. One weekend, I went up to visit her and she introduced me to a friend of hers - a man by the name of Shane who was a Wiccan, raised by a mother who was also Wiccan.

He was an incredibly tranquil man, soft spoken and so nice - he liked to sit outside and just "be" and because he knew I had an affinity for trees and forests, he encouraged me to sit with my back against a tree to commune with its energy.

So I sat on the ground with my back pressed up against a very large tree while the win gently blew all around me and, aside for the occasional bird chirping or animal rustling in a bush, everything was quiet. I was suddenly inspired to write the following.

I Cannot Hold Her

Her kiss
Is so sweet
So soft
So pure
Yet I cannot hold her
I hear her
Calling to me late at night
Past the moon and the stars
I hear her
Whispering to me softly
Through the trees on a warm spring day
Yet I cannot hold her
She is as gentle as a babbling brook
And as rough as the raging seas
She is as warm as I need her to be
And as cold as she wants to be
Yet I cannot hold her
I can hear my love
I can feel my love
Yet I cannot hold her
For my love is the wind
And I must let her go

[Parker]

Wanna go for a ride?

I went for a ride on my motorcycle in north Seattle this past spring and decided to put on my helmet cam to show my POV when riding. This is one of my favorite spots when riding because of all the trees, the little brook by the side of the road, etc - nice and relaxing.

I meant to use this same cam during Pride when riding with the Dykes on Bikes but I forgot my memory card!

This year I'll remember to put the damn card in the cam so I can take a video of this rider's POV during the DoB ride.

[Scuba]

Parker, thanks for sharing this!! What a great idea. N. Seattle is beautiful. Am excited to do the Cascade loop and highway 2. Give me a shout sometime...would love to head out on a group ride.

Scoobs

[Parker]

That would be awesome Scoobs

I have a friend down in Richland who went with her hubby to Sturgis a few years ago - bought herself a trike. She came up once to be a "dyke for a day" and ride with us during Pride - she would probably love to join a group ride.

[Parker]

The first things that draw my attention to a woman arent what one might think. It's not the sexy outfit, the perfect hair, the legs that go for miles, or even the tits and ass. It's the little things. The parts of a woman that some take for granted and most never see ........

It always starts with the mouth.
The kind of mouth you can stare at for hours
While she tells you about her day,
Or a story from her life experience.
The kind of mouth that draws you in.

Then it moves on to the eyes.
The kind of eyes you can get lost in.
Deep pools of any color
Encompassing the soul behind them.
The kind of eyes that see right through
All of your bullshit.

Finally, it's on to the hands.
The kind of hands that show her strength
Of character.
Feminine and strong, with nails that are painted
Or left untouched.
The kind of hands that tell her life's story.

[Parker]

Before DADT was repealed, I was thinking of working on a spoken word piece about it.
A few minutes ago, I decided to put those thoughts down on paper.



Don’t ask don’t tell
March 7, 2012


Don’t ask me who I am
And I wont show you the real me

Ask me to volunteer
To stand beside my sisters and brothers
In battle
To watch them die
To carry them home
In a box

Ask me to defend your right
To take away my rights
To bash me
To oppress me
To vote against me
To keep me from the ones that I love

Ask me to protect and defend
The Constitution
Of the United States
While you change it
To make sure
I am no longer represented
By it

But don’t ask me who I am
Beneath this uniform
Pinned to these medals

If you don’t ask
I won't tell.

[Parker]

A friend of a friend passed away today ....

Life's crazy - one minute you're playing racquetball and the next, you're lying dead on the court from a massive coronary.

He was a good man, always had a kind word for and to me, and he will be missed by me and the rest of his community here in Seattle.

RIP Charles.

[Parker]

Sometimes when I am watching TV and I see how agile people are with the running, jumping, playing ball, hiking, and hell, even just squatting and getting back up - all so easily and without pain - I find myself envying them.

I used to be that active - playing softball, women's contact football, volleyball, going hiking, canoeing, climbing up and down helicopters in the Navy, going for long walks (I used to walk for hours) or even a run ....

I miss it. I miss being able to move without pain. I miss being able to kneel, squat, or even sit on the floor and be able to get back up without any effort whatsoever. I miss playing ball -- softball season is here and I wish more than anything that I could join a team and play. I would also really love to be able to try out for the women's contact football team here - I couldnt believe how much fun that was back in the day.

But mostly, I would love to be able to just go for a hike in the woods somewhere ... walking on a blanket of leaves and pine needles, under a canopy of trees ... damn, I miss that.

[gaea]

Originally Posted by Parker

Sometimes when I am watching TV and I see how agile people are with the running, jumping, playing ball, hiking, and hell, even just squatting and getting back up - all so easily and without pain - I find myself envying them.

I used to be that active - playing softball, women's contact football, volleyball, going hiking, canoeing, climbing up and down helicopters in the Navy, going for long walks (I used to walk for hours) or even a run ....

I miss it. I miss being able to move without pain. I miss being able to kneel, squat, or even sit on the floor and be able to get back up without any effort whatsoever. I miss playing ball -- softball season is here and I wish more than anything that I could join a team and play. I would also really love to be able to try out for the women's contact football team here - I couldnt believe how much fun that was back in the day.

But mostly, I would love to be able to just go for a hike in the woods somewhere ... walking on a blanket of leaves and pine needles, under a canopy of trees ... damn, I miss that.

some of us take it for granted how easily we can move around. Im so sorry you deal with this.

when i first started having severe pain in my neck and arm later to learn it was nerve damage, my ability to play pool was taken away...i was angry i was angry that it hurt to do what i loved to do..so i took my time and i played anyway i played through the pain of it all even sometimes suffering major migraines just to play..in 6 years it has taken me from being able to only play a few shots to several games ina row..

in essence...

baby steps if you can. i know the difficulties in what it takes ot push past the pain however it can be done one step at a time.

[Parker]

I always hated my name when I was growing up: Deborah.

There isnt anything wrong with the name itself, it just always felt wrong on me somehow - like it belonged to someone else and I as just borrowing it or something.

Debbie.
Little Debbie.
Debbie Does Dallas.

God, how I hated being called Debbie.

Even when I got older and I would introduce myself as Deborah, people would look right at me, shake my hand, and say, "nice to meet you, Debbie."

Ugh.

Later still, as I became more comfortable in my butch skin and I realized it was ok to be masculine and woman at the same time, the name became almost unbearable.

Picture this masculine butch woman sitting in a waiting room waiting to be called in to see a doctor or for an interview and someone comes out with a clip board. They read off my name, "Deborah" and then stand there, waiting. I stand up and walk toward them and get to watch them as they continually look down at their clip board and then back up at me - clearly not making the connection that (a) I am not a man and (b) my name is, in fact, Deborah.

It especially sucked when it was for a job interview because I had a great resume and a female name, but I was a butch dyke and we can always tell what other people are thinking when they get "that look" as they look us up and down - they either arent fast or good enough at hiding said "look."

This wasnt why I changed my name, of course, just an illustration of part of why I disliked the name so much.

It took me years to decide it was "ok" to change my name even though I wasnt and never wanted to transition into a man - for a long time, in my mind, I felt like it just wasnt allowed; that you are given this name when you are born and you are stuck with it for life.

Eventually, in my mid-30s, I talked myself into it and decided it was ok - I was giving myself permission .... but then I had to decide on a name because, kinda like a tattoo, this name would be permanent, so I'd better dan well like it!

I wanted something more gender neutral - something either women or men could use and I had always liked the name Parker - it just felt right. Then when I found out its meaning (park keeper), it felt even more "right" because I have always had an affinity for trees.

Great - so I had a first name ... but should I then change my last name?

The answer came from deep inside with a decision I made a long time ago when I thought I was straight and that I would marry a man when I grew up: that I would not take my husband's name because that felt like ownership to me.

Then it hit me: I already had a man's name - my father's last name. So should I take my mom's maiden name? Crap - that's a man's name as well, her father's.

It seemed that no matter which way I turned to look at the names in my family tree, they were all names which belonged to men - so I decided to pick my own last name.

Along with trees, I have always had an affinity for wolves as well - this is very hard to explain, but since most people have an affinity for one animal or another, I probably dont have to try.

I struggled for a short time with using that name - I didnt want anyone to think I was trying to appropriate anything/one/culture - but I really loved how the two names came together and just sort of rolled off of the tongue ... after standing in front of a mirror and saying both names together, it sounded right - I had a name that "fit."

The actual changing was easy - about $100, a filled out form, and a couple of hours in the local courthouse and I was "official."

Interestingly, people seem to like the name - some people love it so much, they say my full name every time they see me. People from my past had a hard time of it at first - especially my mom because it hurt her feelings to have one of her children change the name she gave them - but after a while, they see how good of a fit it is.

I do have a few problems now and then because Parker is a very popular surname so a lot of people think my name is Wolf Parker. Also, even though the name Parker can and is used for both women and men, I think adding the name Wolf on the end may have added a masculinizing (did I just make that word up?) effect for some people because when dealing with written correspondence, I get "Mr." about 40% of the time

But all-in-all, I think I made a good decision - and the right one for me. When I talk to people who have only known me with this name and tell them what my name used to be, they look at me funny and say, "that doesnt sound like you" or "that just doesnt fit you" and I have to laugh to myself because it took me so damn long to figure that out.

[Parker]

This, unfortunately, could be my last season on a motorcycle.

I just dont have the strength to deal with it anymore (it's a 2001 Suzuki Marauder 800 and about 450lbs) - I cant hold it up without straddling it or without the kickstand down - forget about picking it up if I drop it - and it is even getting harder and harder to roll it in and out of its shed.

So, I decided to sell it right after Pride - one more Dykes on Bikes run and then I will part with her.

Someone suggested getting a smaller bike - maybe a 450-600cc - he is a older man who is small in stature and he said he couldnt give up riding, so he just gave up riding the bigger bikes.

I figure if I want to keep riding, it will probably either be that or a trike - and I cant afford a trike! lol

We'll see .....

[Parker]

I dont know why it shocks me so much to see people openly wish violence or harm onto people with whom they disagree, but it shocks me every time.

I dont want to align myself with any person or organization who does, condones, or thinks this behavior is ok - I would rather spend my energy on positive things, people, and organizations.

I've seen this behavior across the board, from all walks of life, from Conservatives to Liberals, from LGBT to anti-LGBT, from pro-choice to pro-life, and everything in between.

Most recently, I saw a post on my FB from a rescue I work with talking about a dog who broke her leg when she fell out of a truck. She recently had puppies and while the owners wanted to keep the puppies, the took the dog with the broken leg to the vet to be euthanized. The rescue I work with was looking for a foster home so they could work on getting the dog transported up here (WA) from CA.

Almost immediately, the comments went to a violent place with people making threats against the owners and wishing violence and horrible things upon these people.

Now, of course I disagree vehemently with euthanizing a dog just for a broken leg and I think the owners are idiots for (a) having their dog in such a position that she could fall out of a truck like that and (b) for wanting to euthanize a dog with something that can be fixed; but we know nothing about these people, their money situation, or how they came to the conclusion to euthanize the dog.

One would think that maybe instead of threatening these people, wishing harm upon them, or even committing violence against them, we would educate them and others on how to best handle a situation such as that.

I am pretty poor and if something catastrophic happened to one of my dogs, it would be very very difficult for me to afford a vet bill and I would do everything in my power to make sure my dogs got the care that they needed; but in the mean time, I do my best to keep them out of harm's way so that the possibility of their getting injured like that is lower.

But again ... to wish violence on someone just because they dont know what else to do? Get angry with them, make a passionate plea to them, maybe even help them financially if you can, and above all, educate them; but violence?

What kind of world is this where our first instinct is to wish harm on those with whom we disagree?

[Parker]

My Formosan Mountain Dog, Jack has started freaking out in the back yard on the sunnier, warmer days - he runs around in circles around this pile of dirt and rocks the handyman left behind when it started raining again - he also tries to get the other dogs to run with him &/or chase him (Zeke is the red dog, Harley is the tan one), and he barks and smiles like a mad dog.

He didnt do it for very long yesterday, but I was outside when he did it so I was able to catch him on camera - even on a day like today when I am feeling a little melancholy, that boy can still make my heart smile .....

[gaea]

Originally Posted by Parker

My Formosan Mountain Dog, Jack has started freaking out in the back yard on the sunnier, warmer days - he runs around in circles around this pile of dirt and rocks the handyman left behind when it started raining again - he also tries to get the other dogs to run with him &/or chase him (Zeke is the red dog, Harley is the tan one), and he barks and smiles like a mad dog.

He didnt do it for very long yesterday, but I was outside when he did it so I was able to catch him on camera - even on a day like today when I am feeling a little melancholy, that boy can still make my heart smile .....

that video was adorable.

[Parker]

Unfortunately, he will not be that adorable when you and Bear meet him - most likely, he will fear-poop and run away.

It will probably only be funny to me. lol

Just remember, the trick to getting him to come to you is to call Zeke over - where ever Zeke goes, Jack will surely follow.

[gaea]

Originally Posted by Parker

Unfortunately, he will not be that adorable when you and Bear meet him - most likely, he will fear-poop and run away.

It will probably only be funny to me. lol

Just remember, the trick to getting him to come to you is to call Zeke over - where ever Zeke goes, Jack will surely follow.

ok then I will remember that. , i haven't met a dog yet that wasn't comfortable with me.

My friend Lori has a female pit that she claimed the pit wouldn't let anyone near her, posh that girl was rubbing up on me and laid at my feet within ten minutes of meeting her...Lori said "I don't know how you do that".