VANILLA THREAD Who can initiate sex in your relationship? VANILLA THREAD

iamkeri1 · 01-05-2012, 03:38 AM

This thread is NOT for the discussion of control as it ebbs and flows in a BDSM relationship. Please do not post about BDSM practices .. there are many threads available for these discussions.

This is, as it says in bold print above, a vanilla thread. Power dynamics also occur in vanilla relationships, and that is what I want to talk about.

So what is most comfortable/easiest/essential for you to function well in sexual relationships? I couldn't figure out how to post a poll, so I'll just list some options. If your personal option is not listed, please forgive me, and just post about what is comfortable for you.

I am femme
I am butch
I am ftm
I am mtf
I have a different gender designation

I wish to initiate all sexual encounters.
I wish my partner(s) to initiate all sexual encounters.
I prefer a relationship where either (or all) partners may initiate sex.

None of these choices infer that you are the "top" during sex, only that it your preference to be the one to say "Hey lets ****."

Here's my answer:
I prefer a relationship where either (or all) partners may initiate sex. Why? Well I want my partner to let me know I am desired, so I think it is good to let them know I desire them as well. Also, just as a matter of practicality, sometimes one wants to have sex, but finds that it has not (yet) occured to one's partner. Therefore the necessity of expressing one's desires.
Smooches,
Keri

Rockinonahigh · 01-05-2012, 10:52 AM

Morning Keri,this is a good subject.For me im a stone butch but prefer that in a relationship that both are free to initiate sex,its not that I havent thought of it but to be truthfull I have to be really she isnt just playing games cause for me in tired of kid games that often are pulled but some women just to have fun at someone elses expence.Butch thay get stone butch, well is someome with a prob for people who just dont get it or care to.

Quintease · 01-05-2012, 06:12 PM

I'm femme and I like to initiate!

Actually I like us both to initiate but I think I tend to do it more. I love initiating and I know he'll never turn me down, it's perfect

I've been in relationships where my gf's have resented me being highly sexed and that was awful, frustrating for me and really damaging for the relationship. For that reason if my hubbie wants sex and I don't, I'll at least consider it. I'd hate for him to feel he can't ask.

Sassy · 01-05-2012, 06:23 PM

I am femme. I prefer a relationship where either (or all) partners may initiate sex -- often and spontaneously!

Glenn · 01-05-2012, 11:56 PM

Stone-Butch Top Dominant. A fighting b**** got the job done.

Iamjustagirlwhocantsayno · 01-06-2012, 12:21 AM

I am femme and love to initiate. I think it takes him by suprise.... but he likes it

I haven't always been the initiator in past relationships, but I sometimes think that's why they didn't last long, I wasn't willing to assert what I needed and just took what was offered. I love for him to initiate too, but I feel powerful when it's me!

mustangjeano · 01-06-2012, 01:17 AM

Great question and answers. I am TGButch and I liked it when my lover let me know she wanted me. I prefer a relationship where either one can innitiate. Jean

*Anya* · 01-06-2012, 06:25 AM

Communication in a relationship of any type is critical. How can I initiate a sexual encounter if I can't talk about the little, mundane things of life, as well as all of those big things that may come up?

I thrive in a relationship where communication is open, honest, a two-way street, safe, trusting and I am encouraged to express my needs-including sexual needs.

When all of those pieces are in place: yes, I enjoy the freedom to be able to initiate sex.

I am femme

Kobi · 01-06-2012, 07:45 AM

I am a butch who prefers a relationship that is a partnership. So either initiating according to their needs and desires works best for me.

AtLast · 01-06-2012, 08:43 AM

Initiation by either partner works best for me. I don't want roles, rules or any other prescriptive assumptions with sexual initiation. As a butch, it is hot when a femme lover initiates and I feel hot myself when I initiate.

The main thing for me is communication about sex with a lover.

Thanks for the thread!

ArkansasPiscesGrrl · 01-06-2012, 09:35 AM

I am a Femme, who prefers to be in a relationship where both parties can feel open to initiating sex.

My last relationship was like that at first. Even though I had a higher sex drive than she did, she "kept up" for the first several months, and both of us initiated and responded back.

Then life experiences happened to her, and she had to take a break. I pulled back in respect to her need for a break, but always let her know that I was there for her. I tried initiating on several occasions, trying to see if she was ready to come "back". We had LOTS of discussions about it (yes, communication is key!), and she would always just let me know not yet. At one point, however, it got to where I was feeling like my trying to initiate was crossing a line. I mean, for both of us. She felt pressured (hell, who wants THAT??), and I felt rebuffed. I finally told her that I would stop trying to initiate anything, and just let HER decide to come to me when she was ready again. I didn't want to feel that icky stuff of being pushy (to me that bordered on abuse). And it is no good for anyone's ego to be constantly turned down, you just end up quiting asking.

Well, she never came back. Even after 3 yrs. So that, combined with other dysfunctions in the relationship, ended it.

She's now found someone else. Oh well.

(sorry for the rant)

JAGG · 01-06-2012, 09:48 AM

I'm butch. I love either!! I think it's so hot when a lover surprises me out of the blue. You know like when you are busy or whatever, and that is the last thing on your mind. And they can make it go from that to the only thing you want, there is nothing you want more this world than that! That is so damn hot!

1QuirkyKiwi · 01-06-2012, 12:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by *Anya*

Communication in a relationship of any type is critical. How can I initiate a sexual encounter if I can't talk about the little, mundane things of life, as well as all of those big things that may come up?

I thrive in a relationship where communication is open, honest, a two-way street, safe, trusting and I am encouraged to express my needs-including sexual needs.

When all of those pieces are in place: yes, I enjoy the freedom to be able to initiate sex.

I am femme

You've said it beautifully!

msW8ing · 01-06-2012, 01:14 PM

I agree with Anya communicate is extremely essential in any relationship...and I prefer one when both initiate...I adore the look on Hys/Her face that little gleam in their eye when they know you want them..give me that same sexy/desired/wanted tingle when I see them making the advances that they need me NOW..lol...and if you and your lover know one another well enough, sometimes all it takes is a glance and a smirk and you both know. I remember one time with an ex..I was vaccuming..and all of sudden it stopped..I turned to look at the socket to see if it was still plugged in and there Hy stood..nekky..with the cord in Hys hand twirling it with that look in Hys eyes and that smirk lmao.

Honey · 01-06-2012, 01:18 PM

Its not who INITIATES the sex...its who suggests we break for air, food, and H2O...! Usually Hym....., but one has to refuel I guess .....I'll be over here patiently awaiting round #....

WolfyOne · 01-06-2012, 02:51 PM

Sometimes life gets busy
Sometimes you have to hit me with a 2x4
Sometimes I can't read minds
Sometimes a look is all it takes

Oh and in answer to the OP, either or is fine with me
Like a few other posters, communication is key

clay · 01-06-2012, 03:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Honey

Its not who INITIATES the sex...its who suggests we break for air, food, and H2O...! Usually Hym....., but one has to refuel I guess .....I'll be over here patiently awaiting round #....

what she said...lol

Thamca74 · 01-06-2012, 03:40 PM

This is an interesting topic. I am a femme and have been with women for over 12 years and never thought about this. I love to initiate. And --- I never really thought about it, but I have often refused sex and never realized that it might be hurting my partners feelings. Maybe that is part of why I no longer have a partner. eh.
good thing to think about!!

LipstickLola · 02-06-2012, 10:36 PM

My first r/s was all about great communication and so we both freely initiated.
I'm sad, (embarrassed too) to say that I'm recently out of a r/s where I was always shut down, it really is tough on your self-esteem

I shoulda known the first time she wiped my lipstick off her mouth that I was in the wrong r/s, live and learn, eh?

Oh, did I say I have a healthy sex drive and am totally open to either person and unless i had a fever of umm 106, id never turn you down, LOL

funkyfemme · 02-06-2012, 11:28 PM

I'm femme and I am for either one initiating. It feels good to know that you're desired and wanted and I like making my butch (when I have one) feel this way too. And yeah, like a few other femmes posting here, I'm highly sexed and very rarely turn down a chance for some hot, steamy, headboard grabbin, leaving nail tracks on hys back kinda lovin' when in a relationship.

hmm...that last tidbit was prolly a lil TMI, no?

01-05-2012, 03:38 AM	#1
iamkeri1 Member How Do You Identify?: femme woman Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: solo Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Central Florida Posts: 821 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 250 Thanked 1,944 Times in 584 Posts Rep Power: 14065934	VANILLA THREAD Who can initiate sex in your relationship? VANILLA THREAD This thread is NOT for the discussion of control as it ebbs and flows in a BDSM relationship. Please do not post about BDSM practices .. there are many threads available for these discussions. This is, as it says in bold print above, a vanilla thread. Power dynamics also occur in vanilla relationships, and that is what I want to talk about. So what is most comfortable/easiest/essential for you to function well in sexual relationships? I couldn't figure out how to post a poll, so I'll just list some options. If your personal option is not listed, please forgive me, and just post about what is comfortable for you. I am femme I am butch I am ftm I am mtf I have a different gender designation I wish to initiate all sexual encounters. I wish my partner(s) to initiate all sexual encounters. I prefer a relationship where either (or all) partners may initiate sex. None of these choices infer that you are the "top" during sex, only that it your preference to be the one to say "Hey lets ." Here's my answer: I prefer a relationship where either (or all) partners may initiate sex. Why? Well I want my partner to let me know I am desired, so I think it is good to let them know I desire them as well. Also, just as a matter of practicality, sometimes one wants to have sex, but finds that it has not (yet) occured to one's partner. Therefore the necessity of expressing one's desires. Smooches, Keri

01-05-2012, 06:12 PM	#3
Quintease Member How Do You Identify?: Rainbow femme Preferred Pronoun?: princess Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Apr 2011 Location: United Kingdom Posts: 514 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 508 Thanked 1,816 Times in 417 Posts Rep Power: 10345577	I'm femme and I like to initiate! Actually I like us both to initiate but I think I tend to do it more. I love initiating and I know he'll never turn me down, it's perfect I've been in relationships where my gf's have resented me being highly sexed and that was awful, frustrating for me and really damaging for the relationship. For that reason if my hubbie wants sex and I don't, I'll at least consider it. I'd hate for him to feel he can't ask. __________________ It is not worth an intelligent person's time to be in the majority. By definition, there are already enough people to do that.

01-06-2012, 01:17 AM	#7
mustangjeano Member How Do You Identify?: old school stonebutch, Queer TG butch, ranch hand Preferred Pronoun?: he Relationship Status: single, not looking Join Date: Mar 2011 Location: Northern Ca. Posts: 1,088 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,459 Thanked 1,029 Times in 361 Posts Rep Power: 15314315	Great question and answers. I am TGButch and I liked it when my lover let me know she wanted me. I prefer a relationship where either one can innitiate. Jean __________________ "Your outlook affects your outcome". John Paul Warren

01-06-2012, 06:25 AM	#8
Anya Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Lesbian non-stone femme Preferred Pronoun?: She, her Relationship Status: Committed to being good to myself Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: West Coast Posts: 8,258 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 39,306 Thanked 40,791 Times in 7,290 Posts Rep Power: 21474856	Communication in a relationship of any type is critical. How can I initiate a sexual encounter if I can't talk about the little, mundane things of life, as well as all of those big things that may come up? I thrive in a relationship where communication is open, honest, a two-way street, safe, trusting and I am encouraged to express my needs-including sexual needs. When all of those pieces are in place: yes, I enjoy the freedom to be able to initiate sex. I am femme __________________ ~Anya~ Democracy Dies in Darkness ~Washington Post "...I'm deeply concerned by recently adopted policies which punish children for their parents’ actions ... The thought that any State would seek to deter parents by inflicting such abuse on children is unconscionable." UN Human Rights commissioner

01-06-2012, 09:48 AM	#12
JAGG Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Butch Preferred Pronoun?: JAGG Relationship Status: =) Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Tulsa (cat free zone) Posts: 6,093 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 18,651 Thanked 17,545 Times in 4,142 Posts Rep Power: 21474857	I'm butch. I love either!! I think it's so hot when a lover surprises me out of the blue. You know like when you are busy or whatever, and that is the last thing on your mind. And they can make it go from that to the only thing you want, there is nothing you want more this world than that! That is so damn hot! __________________ I don't want to spend my life with someone I can live with, I want to spend my life with someone I can't live without.

01-05-2012, 10:52 AM	#2
Rockinonahigh Senior Member How Do You Identify?: stone butch Preferred Pronoun?: makes no diffrence,I know who I am. Relationship Status: single,maybe looking if the right person comes along. Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: shreveport,Louisiana Posts: 4,907 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 4,682 Thanked 14,937 Times in 3,936 Posts Rep Power: 21474855	Morning Keri,this is a good subject.For me im a stone butch but prefer that in a relationship that both are free to initiate sex,its not that I havent thought of it but to be truthfull I have to be really she isnt just playing games cause for me in tired of kid games that often are pulled but some women just to have fun at someone elses expence.Butch thay get stone butch, well is someome with a prob for people who just dont get it or care to.

01-05-2012, 06:23 PM	#4
Sassy Member How Do You Identify?: Female Relationship Status: Together Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: In the sunshine Posts: 598 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 815 Thanked 1,928 Times in 460 Posts Rep Power: 19641162	I am femme. I prefer a relationship where either (or all) partners may initiate sex -- often and spontaneously!

01-05-2012, 11:56 PM	#5
Glenn Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Northwest Wind and Lake Michigan Preferred Pronoun?: Paesano Relationship Status: Solo Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Indiana Dunes National Lakeshore Posts: 1,546 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,597 Thanked 3,732 Times in 1,096 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	Stone-Butch Top Dominant. A fighting b**** got the job done.

01-06-2012, 12:21 AM	#6
Iamjustagirlwhocantsayno Junior Member How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: she. Works just fine :) Relationship Status: Spoken For Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: Central Arkansas Posts: 2 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 7 Thanked 8 Times in 2 Posts Rep Power: 0	I am femme and love to initiate. I think it takes him by suprise.... but he likes it I haven't always been the initiator in past relationships, but I sometimes think that's why they didn't last long, I wasn't willing to assert what I needed and just took what was offered. I love for him to initiate too, but I feel powerful when it's me!

01-06-2012, 07:45 AM	#9
Kobi Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Biological female. Lesbian. Relationship Status: Happy Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Hanging out in the Atlantic. Posts: 9,234 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 9,840 Thanked 34,661 Times in 7,652 Posts Rep Power: 21474860	I am a butch who prefers a relationship that is a partnership. So either initiating according to their needs and desires works best for me.

01-06-2012, 08:43 AM	#10
AtLast Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Woman Preferred Pronoun?: HER - SHE Relationship Status: Relating Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: CA & AZ I'm a Snowbird Posts: 5,408 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 11,826 Thanked 10,830 Times in 3,200 Posts Rep Power: 21474856	Initiation by either partner works best for me. I don't want roles, rules or any other prescriptive assumptions with sexual initiation. As a butch, it is hot when a femme lover initiates and I feel hot myself when I initiate. The main thing for me is communication about sex with a lover. Thanks for the thread!

01-06-2012, 09:35 AM	#11
ArkansasPiscesGrrl Member How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: she, her Relationship Status: feeling pretty darned blissful right now! Join Date: Aug 2011 Location: central AR Posts: 856 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,594 Thanked 3,080 Times in 741 Posts Rep Power: 21474849	I am a Femme, who prefers to be in a relationship where both parties can feel open to initiating sex. My last relationship was like that at first. Even though I had a higher sex drive than she did, she "kept up" for the first several months, and both of us initiated and responded back. Then life experiences happened to her, and she had to take a break. I pulled back in respect to her need for a break, but always let her know that I was there for her. I tried initiating on several occasions, trying to see if she was ready to come "back". We had LOTS of discussions about it (yes, communication is key!), and she would always just let me know not yet. At one point, however, it got to where I was feeling like my trying to initiate was crossing a line. I mean, for both of us. She felt pressured (hell, who wants THAT??), and I felt rebuffed. I finally told her that I would stop trying to initiate anything, and just let HER decide to come to me when she was ready again. I didn't want to feel that icky stuff of being pushy (to me that bordered on abuse). And it is no good for anyone's ego to be constantly turned down, you just end up quiting asking. Well, she never came back. Even after 3 yrs. So that, combined with other dysfunctions in the relationship, ended it. She's now found someone else. Oh well. (sorry for the rant)

01-06-2012, 01:14 PM	#14
msW8ing Member How Do You Identify?: multi-faceted gem, femme, submissive babygirl if the chemistry is there. Preferred Pronoun?: lady Relationship Status: working on myself Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: Lewiston, Idaho Posts: 920 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 4,700 Thanked 2,498 Times in 655 Posts Rep Power: 21474850	I agree with Anya communicate is extremely essential in any relationship...and I prefer one when both initiate...I adore the look on Hys/Her face that little gleam in their eye when they know you want them..give me that same sexy/desired/wanted tingle when I see them making the advances that they need me NOW..lol...and if you and your lover know one another well enough, sometimes all it takes is a glance and a smirk and you both know. I remember one time with an ex..I was vaccuming..and all of sudden it stopped..I turned to look at the socket to see if it was still plugged in and there Hy stood..nekky..with the cord in Hys hand twirling it with that look in Hys eyes and that smirk lmao. __________________ *Don't judge me by my past..I don't live there anymore* A lady who knows the ropes..will never be bound. ~Mae West

01-06-2012, 01:18 PM	#15
Honey Member How Do You Identify?: big femme heart..... in a tight girlie package Preferred Pronoun?: just call me Honey Relationship Status: Playin' 4 keeps with Tomboi1982 Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: New England Posts: 306 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 316 Thanked 613 Times in 184 Posts Rep Power: 10762766	Its not who INITIATES the sex...its who suggests we break for air, food, and H2O...! Usually Hym....., but one has to refuel I guess .....I'll be over here patiently awaiting round #....

01-06-2012, 02:51 PM	#16
WolfyOne Magically Delicious How Do You Identify?: Gentle Butch Relationship Status: Single and content Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Minnesota Posts: 6,558 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 22,052 Thanked 15,407 Times in 4,139 Posts Rep Power: 21474857	Sometimes life gets busy Sometimes you have to hit me with a 2x4 Sometimes I can't read minds Sometimes a look is all it takes Oh and in answer to the OP, either or is fine with me Like a few other posters, communication is key __________________ Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength; loving someone deeply gives you courage --- Lao Tzo

01-06-2012, 03:40 PM	#18
Thamca74 Junior Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Relationship Status: single Join Date: Oct 2011 Location: Temple,texas Posts: 12 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 19 Thanked 50 Times in 10 Posts Rep Power: 644258	initiate This is an interesting topic. I am a femme and have been with women for over 12 years and never thought about this. I love to initiate. And --- I never really thought about it, but I have often refused sex and never realized that it might be hurting my partners feelings. Maybe that is part of why I no longer have a partner. eh. good thing to think about!!

02-06-2012, 10:36 PM	#19
LipstickLola Member How Do You Identify?: Happy Preferred Pronoun?: she Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: planet Earth Posts: 682 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,679 Thanked 1,597 Times in 433 Posts Rep Power: 5678216	My first r/s was all about great communication and so we both freely initiated. I'm sad, (embarrassed too) to say that I'm recently out of a r/s where I was always shut down, it really is tough on your self-esteem I shoulda known the first time she wiped my lipstick off her mouth that I was in the wrong r/s, live and learn, eh? Oh, did I say I have a healthy sex drive and am totally open to either person and unless i had a fever of umm 106, id never turn you down, LOL

02-06-2012, 11:28 PM	#20
funkyfemme Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Gamey as Fuck Relationship Status: I move from person to person real quick. Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: A sad little town Posts: 800 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 5,059 Thanked 2,824 Times in 662 Posts Rep Power: 0	I'm femme and I am for either one initiating. It feels good to know that you're desired and wanted and I like making my butch (when I have one) feel this way too. And yeah, like a few other femmes posting here, I'm highly sexed and very rarely turn down a chance for some hot, steamy, headboard grabbin, leaving nail tracks on hys back kinda lovin' when in a relationship. hmm...that last tidbit was prolly a lil TMI, no?