Caregivers and Stress

[Chad]

Mom got the first dose of the Pfizer vaccine yesterday. I get mine on Monday.

In a few days she will be 89 years old and wants fried chicken for her birthday meal. We are so Texan about food. Haha!

[Chad]

Mom got her second dose of the vaccine yesterday. I get mine on Monday.

Her body is failing. She can barely walk with assistance. We got a prescription for some ADA structures.

I don't think that I can go back to the office full time. I am her only help.

It is hard on me everyday but this is a debt and I always pay my debts. As long as my mom lives she will be treated as a queen. My dad started that and I will finish it

[homoe]

Originally Posted by Chad

Mom got her second dose of the vaccine yesterday. I get mine on Monday.

Her body is failing. She can barely walk with assistance. We got a prescription for some ADA structures.

I don't think that I can go back to the office full time. I am her only help.

It is hard on me everyday but this is a debt and I always pay my debts. As long as my mom lives she will be treated as a queen. My dad started that and I will finish it

Good on you Chad, what a wonderful outlook!

[Kelt]

My mother passed

She was very pampered and comfortable, going peacefully in her sleep as I had hoped she would.

I want to thank the folks in this thread who have been supportive of me for the last six years while I have been on this journey with her. You’ve been great.

[GeorgiaMa'am]

My mom went to live in the nursing home today.

My sister took her alone. Several people advised us that the fewer family members that went to drop her off, the better. Too many people would just be confusing for my mom and would prevent her from settling in. The people at the nursing home also advised us to wait 5-6 weeks before visiting her. My sister said, "No way" and told me she was going to be there every day, even if it was just to put eyes on our mom while she was eating in the dining room.

The home is only six minutes from my sister's house. We both feel really lucky to have found a nice, appropriate place so close to my sister. My sister knows many of the people who work there (she knows everybody in her town - she was a teacher for many years and it seems like half the population ended up in her class at one time or another). There is low turnover in the staff. The home is clean and the rooms are nice. The food is acceptable. (Mom must have liked it, because they reported she "cleaned her plate" at lunch today.)

I've got more feelings about this, but I'll have to write more later.

[GeorgiaMa'am]

So, my sister did not wait even one day to go see our mom again. Right after she finished updating me, she went right back to take our mom some odds and ends she had forgotten to pack. Then today my sister went to visit Mom again. The staff reported that she had slept well. I was glad to hear this; it was one of the things I worried about last night at 4 am when I was awake thinking about her.

My sister said Mom seemed more settled today. This is surprising to me; our entire lives, my sister and I were made to promise to our Mom and our Dad that we would never put Mom in "one of those places". Our grandmother lived with us for awhile when she had Alzheimer's, and she eventually became violent. Because of the violence, the only place that would take her was the state mental hospital. My mother was terrified of ending up there one day herself.

This nursing home is much nicer than the mental hospital where my grandmother lived for 10+/- years. Still, Mom was always adamantly against living anywhere except her own home. It was a battle to get her to live with my sister for two years. On the one hand, I feel guilty for not finding some way to help my sister keep our mom in her own home, or at least at my sister's home. On the other hand, I feel angry at our parents for ever making us promise such a thing. After all, they had tried to keep our grandmother in our home and couldn't. But our mom was terrified, and our dad loved Mom so much that he would have promised anything she wanted.

I may be going straight to Hell.

(Luckily, I don't believe in Hell. But if there's a place for ungrateful, bad children, I may end up there.)

[clay]

Originally Posted by GeorgiaMa'am

......."snipped for quote"

I may be going straight to Hell.

(Luckily, I don't believe in Hell. But if there's a place for ungrateful, bad children, I may end up there.)

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((GeorgiaMa'am)))))) ))))))))))))))) there is no such thing as that. Promises made years ago, with so many unknowns going forward, shouldn't create extra grief or burdens on someone. AT THE TIME, it satisfied parties concerned. Going forward, life happens, things change, and YOU haven't any reason to feel guilty, or that you have "broken a promise" made in the heat of the moment! All I can do is to support you, listen to you, and offer strength & courage. We are human, we have frailties, we fail at life sometimes, but in no way are any of us a "FAILURE". You have done what is/was humanely possible in all ways that matter. Please do not beat yourself up, my dear friend! This is only my personal opinion, with you! The assisted living care facilities today are much nicer, are equipped to handle patients with memory/cognitive issues. Time will be the kindest for all of you. Hoping your sister will be able to abide by the rules....it will only add to confusion for her to go "every day" in the long run! Just my humble 2 cents. I feel your pain, want to offer you encouragement & positivity!! Big hugs, D!!

[GeorgiaMa'am]

Originally Posted by clay

. . . Promises made years ago, with so many unknowns going forward, shouldn't create extra grief or burdens on someone. AT THE TIME, it satisfied parties concerned. Going forward, life happens, things change, and YOU haven't any reason to feel guilty, or that you have "broken a promise" . . .

Thank you clay, you are right, of course. Logically, I know that. But emotionally - well, I've spent most of the evening crying. It was not a good day, for me or for my mom. She didn't sleep well last night. Today, she slipped and fell; thank the Goddess she didn't break anything. I was reminded this evening that she doesn't remember who I am, even if she is told I'm her daughter and what my name is.

She doesn't have a phone in her room, and she is beyond being able to operate a cell phone. I used to call her every Sunday. Even if she didn't remember me and wasn't able to say much to me, I could tell her about my week, and share memories with her. I've been thinking about digging out my stationery (yes, I still have stationery) and writing to her instead. But I have to wonder if it will just upset her. I will probably just give it a try for a few weeks, then ask the nurses and my sister what her reactions were.

Clay, thank you for all your supportive words. They help, they really do. So do the virtual hugs. (((((((Hugs!)))))))

[clay]

Originally Posted by GeorgiaMa'am

Thank you clay, you are right, of course. Lo

Clay, thank you for all your supportive words. They help, they really do. So do the virtual hugs. (((((((Hugs!)))))))

YVW my sweet friend! Anytime! You are allowed to feel emotions, and should do them, let them out, mull them over if you wish. You have to remember your heart has been so shattred with so much death & grief in last few months, plus you lost your dad a few years back. This is a heavy toll, singly..but with THREE. That is a TON of grief to work through, way too close together.! Be gentle with yourself.....time is a salve of sorts. Allow your heart to feel whatever it feels....take this one thing...one step...one day at a time. Journal if you have one. It helps me. It is also okay to be "angry" with those who have left you......I wrote a letter to my artner I lost in 2009. It wasn't her choice to leave, but still I was so angry...at the Universe, at doctors, at myself..IF ONLY I had made her get a mammo (never had a one) and was so healthy. Then I burned the letter and buried the ashes.

I am really glad to hear that your mom wasn't injured in her fall, but hoping no more of those.

Write her a letter, more for yourself, thatn her.....just be generic & share general things, or memories, and let her know you love her! I would relish having letters sent to me...if I were in a home. hell, I LOVE getting them now...but never do. I LOVE the notes on the penpal projects and always try to personalize my projects!!

I love you, D!!! ((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))

[GeorgiaMa'am]

They temporarily kicked my mom out of the nursing home today.

She was emotional and would not leave the other residents alone. She threw a remote at somebody's head, and that was it. They called my sister and her husband and asked them to come get her, she could not spend another night in the home. The only way they would let her back in was if she had some medical contributing factor, and it got taken care of.

The had the sheriff (!) take Mama to the hospital. They did not charge her with anything, though. The ER checked her out, and it turns out she has a bad UTI. They are giving her an antibiotic IV and Ativan to calm her down- which did not calm her down at all. Now she is hallucinating and giggling and saying all kinds of gibberish. They're treating her in the ER, but the nursing home says she has to be admitted and treated in order for them to let her come back. (Red tape B.S.!)

Thank goodness the home will let Mama come back, though. It concerns me that the nursing staff did not figure out she had a UTI. I know they're at a disadvantage because Mama can't tell them what's wrong with her. But still! They're supposed to be looking after her!

My sister is still waiting with her in the ER. She says she needs an IV of Tito's from having to deal with all the red tape. I don't know know where they're going to go for the night. Hopefully my sister can get my mom admitted to the hospital for one night.

[clay]

My wife has been such a strength, support, & amazing caregiver during this past year from hell, for me!

She is such a kind, gentle, compassionate individual! She has tromped to visits, tests, hospitalizations, all the while smiling, never complaining, & ever by my side. Most weeks, we were at some dr office or hospital or testing center several days a week. She lifts my electric chair in/out of the truck...and I KNOW it taxes her shoulders & back..but she does so with love & a smile.

The goddess & the universe truly blessed me with this incredible woman! I couldn't have chosen a more compatible, loving, devoted soul. She always makes me feel loved, wanted, & a big part of her life!

Thank you, C.!!!!! You are my salvation, my light, & my forever love!

[easygoingfemme]

I'm so deep into this that I don't even know what to say. This month's adventures are in finances of elder care. I get these bills from my father's assisted living facility and they don't match the services he receives or the paperwork I signed when moving him in. Thank goddess he has long term care insurance that reimburses about 70% of the bills, but I have to pay the bills first and submit them and sign off that they are accurate, and they are not! I've been asking since 10/1 why his bill is more than 1k over what it should be and haven't gotten a clear answer other than that we will see "a credit" in next month's bill. No detail on how much or why or what happened. And they charged (and then reversed after I pushed back) a $250 late fee because I wouldn't pay the bill without an explanation for the very large overcharge. And they want me to fill out automatic withdrawal from his bank account! No, thank you.

[nhplowboi]

Good on you EGF for your diligence. I'm sure financial abuse is the norm and they are not used to a resident having an advocate closely monitoring what is happening. Also an advocate that is not going to be overwhelmed by the layers of paperwork nonsense they will use to support their position. Wishing you strength to continue the good fight on behalf of your dad.

Originally Posted by easygoingfemme

I'm so deep into this that I don't even know what to say. This month's adventures are in finances of elder care. I get these bills from my father's assisted living facility and they don't match the services he receives or the paperwork I signed when moving him in. Thank goddess he has long term care insurance that reimburses about 70% of the bills, but I have to pay the bills first and submit them and sign off that they are accurate, and they are not! I've been asking since 10/1 why his bill is more than 1k over what it should be and haven't gotten a clear answer other than that we will see "a credit" in next month's bill. No detail on how much or why or what happened. And they charged (and then reversed after I pushed back) a $250 late fee because I wouldn't pay the bill without an explanation for the very large overcharge. And they want me to fill out automatic withdrawal from his bank account! No, thank you.

[easygoingfemme]

Originally Posted by nhplowboi

Good on you EGF for your diligence. I'm sure financial abuse is the norm and they are not used to a resident having an advocate closely monitoring what is happening. Also an advocate that is not going to be overwhelmed by the layers of paperwork nonsense they will use to support their position. Wishing you strength to continue the good fight on behalf of your dad.

Thank you. It's like they just make things up and when I ask for documentation... crickets.