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09-14-2010, 05:37 PM | #1 |
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I was told for many years that I was Bi-Sexual... And my response was no, I am a Lesbian, even though I was married. My ex-husband was my best friend and Gay -- We really did have this amazing friendship and loved one another, and through this love, we had two children. Even when I was sleeping with him, I did not feel Bi-Sexual - I still believed in my entire being, that I was a Lesbian.
Even today... People will say, but you were Bi-Sexual, you slept with a man and were married...and for me... It is not about the act of sex - it is about the internal part of my soul that is touched by another woman. That cannot nor has ever been touched by a man. If you took away my ability to be sexual, you could not take away who I am inside. Would I become A-Sexual? Simply, NO! I am not sure I should have even posted, since I have never felt or identified this way - only labeled as such by my community. Great topic Merrick - and certainly one we can all learn from. Julie
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09-14-2010, 05:44 PM | #2 |
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I think it is about sex. That is why it is called bi-sexual. I have never had sex with a (omg what word do I use? breaths through a moment of language horror). But what do I know is that I have only been an out dyke for 35 years and it always meant the same.
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09-14-2010, 06:45 PM | #3 |
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I self-ID as Queer. However, I -am- technically bisexual and will use that word when it's necessary to make my point or when I'm talking to someone who the word "Queer" is just too confusing for. I am legally married to a female (sex = female, gender = Butch) but things could have easily turned out differently for me. I am glad that things ended up how they ended up - because I think if I had ended up with a man that I would have lost my community...but I will never deny that the possibility of a legally binding monogamous relationship with a man was never off of the table for me.
For myself, the sex of the other person just does not figure in when I am evaluating if I am attracted to him/her. It's completely irrelevant. Gender / gender presentation -does- factor in for me, however. I am attracted to masculine people. Butches and Men (both trans and non-trans) do it for me. (The only exceptions to that rule are Drew Barrymore and Rosario Dawson). It's important to me that potential dates are clever, well-read, have irreverent senses of humour, like sarcasm, are politically compatible with me, have similar tastes in music, and interact with me the way I like being interacted with.
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bęte noire \bet-NWAHR\, noun: One that is particularly disliked or that is to be avoided.
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09-14-2010, 08:08 PM | #4 |
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I am so inspired by all of the posts, all of the honesty.
I think bisexuality is the ugly stepchild of the gay community sometimes. One of my nearest and dearest identifies as queer even though she's fully bisexual, simply because she's afraid of the stigma that both straight and gay communities associate with the term - either she can't make up her mind, she's too afraid of being fully gay, she's only half-gay because of politics, she's a whore, she's a traitor...there's a long list of inadequacies that get thrown at people who identify as bisexual. My understanding of bisexuality is that it's just as fluid and dynamic as any other sexuality or gender. Some people identify as lesbian because it's about the sex - women just turn them on in a way that other genders never could. For others, lesbian is more about the emotional and spiritual connection than the sex. I think the same is true for bisexuals - some people are equally attracted to both sexes but gravitate towards one or the other because of emotional or spiritual connections. Others are split right down the middle. I wish more people who were truly bisexual would come flying out of the closet to help dispel so many of the assumptions and myths. Personally, I am attracted to pretty much any kind of person (XX, XY, male, female, man, woman, gender-fluid, gender-variant, gender-queer, butch, femme, hym, hir) as long as the energy and the attitude and the charisma are there. I am equal opportunity that way when it comes to what turns me on and makes me horny (though I will say sperm kind of grosses me out no matter how hot the guy is - LOL). The deciding factor for me is that I'm just naturally drawn to women and folks with women-bodied experiences. I feel more comfortable and open. I feel a connection that blossoms organically when the person I'm interacting with intrinsically understands a little bit of my story. I don't identify as bisexual because while the sexual attraction may exist, the emotional and spiritual connection reaches it's true depths with women, butches, and FTMs more than the XYs of the world. If I weren't in a relationship, I wouldn't exclude any possibility, though - I believe circumstances are constantly changing my perception of the world. Matters of the heart can be messy and complicated and I try not to be too rigid in my definitions. A personal note to betenoire - your post was fantastic. Your last point about the importance of finding a match for your personality, your passions, your style is spot-on. I love it. |
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09-20-2010, 08:24 AM | #5 | |
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09-26-2011, 11:42 AM | #6 | |
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cheers Aj
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09-14-2010, 09:30 PM | #7 | |
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Also, your speaking to sexuality as not just a physical act, but one of imagination and cognitive dimensions, strikes a deep chord with me. At times, I find that most of what people describe or refer to as sexual activity is very narrow. Absent of the wonders of human sensibilities (as in our multi-faceted senses). I went through a period of time after a spinal surgery in my early 20's in which I lost my ability to have orgasms. Up to that time, I was certainly active sexually and I knew exactly what I was missing. This occurred when I was actively bisexual. Though terrified (and angry), I realized that I could go to this pleasure in my mind and things such as scents associated with along with visual perception of being touched by a partner gave me much the same satisfaction because sex, for me goes far beyond orgasms. It is a journey of altered states and perceptions. Eventually, I regained the ability to have orgasms. yes, I was very grateful. However, this experience brought me to a much broader understanding of sex and sexuality and just my own body. further, it taught me a lot about how our society is quite single-minded about what sex is. Look at the myths that are perpetuated about disabled and elderly people and sex! Or about post menopausal women. I think becoming asexual is actually pretty difficult unless a person looses cognitive reasoning and function. But, I do believe asexuality is just as valid as hetero, bi, or gay/queer/lesbian. They are all equal in nature to me. |
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09-20-2010, 08:13 AM | #8 |
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a short thought on this
Love knows no gender for me. I have and am exploring the term bisexual as an I'd. Here's where I lose myself. Gender and sexual preference isn't related or fixed ea to corresponding categories ect. I am moving away from factoring my emotional connections and sexual likes dislikes into my gender Id. I have and would be willing to love someone for the person they are inside and my sexual compatibility comes into it last anyway...
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