Can You Really Be Friends With An Ex?

[girl_dee]

this question pops up all the time

sometimes yes sometimes no

no one will convince me that it's not a "different" friendship once people have been intimate. Nothing wrong with that, but it's different.

[Miss_J]

Friendships just like romantic relationships should be based on give and take one to the other not just give give give take take take.
Respect yourself and your emotional space right now and decide where you want that friendship to go and grow.

I think there were many wonderful suggestions so far and almost everyone says the same thing, stay strong, be who you need to be, respect yourself and set boundaries that you "both" can stick to.

Good luck I hope it will be a rewarding experience.

[deedarino]

I am friends with most of my ex's but it took time. In each of those cases, early on I would get the "can we talk" phone call or email but it was ALWAYS because they were lonely or fighting with their current partner; when we are lonely we reach out to the easiest ear.

With boundries set and MEANT (here's the hard part), you can be friends. Be careful, if you are lonely too you could be headed for trouble.

[Cuddles]

Well that went better than I thought.

She seemed to just really want someone to talk to. We didn't bring up anything too personal that would've stirred up a pot.

However... I'm not going to pursue a friendship with her. I've decided it's just not worth the risk. I don't want anyone to get hurt, her or myself.

It might very well be possible to be just friends with her... but I do sense a vulnerability in me and I don't want to have to work so hard to protect it.

[Estella]

I realize I'm in the minority, but I am not friends with any of my exes. At all. There was a reason we broke up, and that reason usually had to do with something unpleasant - say a well-hidden character flaw. And that flaw is/was never something I would tolerate in a friend. So say, for example, my ex was a liar. I find friendships with liars challenging, at best. Or say she was a lazy, narcissistic sociopath. Again, not really friend material.

I understand what people are saying when they say that just because you broke up doesn't mean you no longer care. But I care about the human race in general. If someone came to me for help, I would do my best to help them - in the same way I would buy a sandwich for someone panhandling outside the Panera, or give my gloves to someone who looks cold. Would I give a kidney to a stranger? Possibly, if someone asked.

And did we like each other to begin with? Honestly, who knows. In the past, I wasn't always particularly scrupulous about becoming "friends first" before getting all sweaty and sticky. So when they were gone, was there anything left really to base a friendship on? See above.

All of my exes have had exes for friends, and it always seemed a little contrived to me. The relationships appeared skewed somehow, like she was trying to prove to her ex that she was happy without her, while at the same time maintaining their presence as proof to me that there were other people who cared about her. Seems like a lot of work, and slightly disingenuous.

There was a time when I thought it was some sort of requirement that you maintain a friendly relationship with your ex or they'd take away your dyke card. I thought, well maybe there's something wrong with me because god knows I don't miss or even think about these people. But at this point I can say with all sincerity that I will be quite content if I never see a single one of these people again - and my wife probably is too.

[StrongButch]

I think so after time has passed I think it is healthy

[Soft*Silver]

I am currently friends with most of my exes. I can tell you that the exes who DONT want to be friends with me, do so, so I wont tell their tales....they are wayyy to ashamed of themselves and how they acted with me to let me near their life now.

[macele]

the chance of being friends is much better with a sisters or brothers ex LOL.

i do talk to an ex girlfriend. we laugh. we talk about day to day stuff. but there are different types of friends. she's not one that i can tell absolutely anything to. but yeah, a communication line can be achieved.

a lot depends on where the heart is, ... has it moved on. it's certainly not healthy, mentally, to extend a hand when loneliness is present (personal experience). as bad ass strong as i think i am, i can let my guard down, ... when lonely creeps in.

i'm not so sure it can ever be a complete friendship. maybe no more than hello, how are you? with a laugh thrown in. i certainly don't want to be friends on a level where current girlfriends meet the exes over dinner.

i do hope all works out for you, cuddles.

[Skittlesluver]

I think this really depends on each other's feelings and each individual person. If both of you can keep your friendship going and not bring up the past or the "relationship"...maybe...but as mentioned in previous posts here....things are "different" after you have engaged in an intimate relationship with someone.
There is not right or wrong answer to this question...it's totally based on each person's personal preference...(try saying those three words fast)

[twist of lime]

The best recipe...
no. no. no.

Think Titanic or a train derailment or Groundhog Day

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Fenchurch

I realize I'm in the minority, but I am not friends with any of my exes. At all. There was a reason we broke up, and that reason usually had to do with something unpleasant - say a well-hidden character flaw. And that flaw is/was never something I would tolerate in a friend. So say, for example, my ex was a liar. I find friendships with liars challenging, at best. Or say she was a lazy, narcissistic sociopath. Again, not really friend material.

I understand what people are saying when they say that just because you broke up doesn't mean you no longer care. But I care about the human race in general. If someone came to me for help, I would do my best to help them - in the same way I would buy a sandwich for someone panhandling outside the Panera, or give my gloves to someone who looks cold. Would I give a kidney to a stranger? Possibly, if someone asked.

And did we like each other to begin with? Honestly, who knows. In the past, I wasn't always particularly scrupulous about becoming "friends first" before getting all sweaty and sticky. So when they were gone, was there anything left really to base a friendship on? See above.

All of my exes have had exes for friends, and it always seemed a little contrived to me. The relationships appeared skewed somehow, like she was trying to prove to her ex that she was happy without her, while at the same time maintaining their presence as proof to me that there were other people who cared about her. Seems like a lot of work, and slightly disingenuous.

There was a time when I thought it was some sort of requirement that you maintain a friendly relationship with your ex or they'd take away your dyke card. I thought, well maybe there's something wrong with me because god knows I don't miss or even think about these people. But at this point I can say with all sincerity that I will be quite content if I never see a single one of these people again - and my wife probably is too.

i feel the same way and don't understand the need to have exes as friends, if things were bad enough that i left them, why would i want to now be *friends* later? If our paths cross that's one thing but yes i left them for a reason, and that reason is probably enough reason not to be in each others lives.

[Syr]

Originally Posted by Fenchurch

I realize I'm in the minority, but I am not friends with any of my exes. At all. There was a reason we broke up, and that reason usually had to do with something unpleasant - say a well-hidden character flaw. And that flaw is/was never something I would tolerate in a friend. So say, for example, my ex was a liar. I find friendships with liars challenging, at best. Or say she was a lazy, narcissistic sociopath. Again, not really friend material.

I understand what people are saying when they say that just because you broke up doesn't mean you no longer care. But I care about the human race in general. If someone came to me for help, I would do my best to help them - in the same way I would buy a sandwich for someone panhandling outside the Panera, or give my gloves to someone who looks cold. Would I give a kidney to a stranger? Possibly, if someone asked.

And did we like each other to begin with? Honestly, who knows. In the past, I wasn't always particularly scrupulous about becoming "friends first" before getting all sweaty and sticky. So when they were gone, was there anything left really to base a friendship on? See above.

All of my exes have had exes for friends, and it always seemed a little contrived to me. The relationships appeared skewed somehow, like she was trying to prove to her ex that she was happy without her, while at the same time maintaining their presence as proof to me that there were other people who cared about her. Seems like a lot of work, and slightly disingenuous.

There was a time when I thought it was some sort of requirement that you maintain a friendly relationship with your ex or they'd take away your dyke card. I thought, well maybe there's something wrong with me because god knows I don't miss or even think about these people. But at this point I can say with all sincerity that I will be quite content if I never see a single one of these people again - and my wife probably is too.

Well said. My sentiments exactly.

[OldSchoolButch]

Wow you hit home with the same issue I'm repairing in me now.We are the great rescuers ! Fighting this Co Dependence in short is hell and for me I need too keep backing up because I'm the only one that looses, No matter what I do ,or repair in my ex she stayed the same always in a constant state of despair. In the end I lost me.I recently had a friend ( not saying yours is too this extreme but mine damn near was ) that died from complications from a attempted suicide. She was in her own type of abusive relationship.I awoke a few days latter after crying for days wishing I was home too the thought "There not worth dying over". I won't go back too old haunts or old past habits. I will just keep growing best I can.

Originally Posted by Cuddles

I know the answer depends on a few factors but here's what I find myself facing right now:

An ex that I haven't dated in two years is back in contact with me. Not because she wants to be with me but because she needs a friend and says I was the only person she ever felt really cared about her.

I'm not in love with her anymore, heck weeks can go by before I even think about her. However, I have a fatal flaw in relationships... I love to save a damsel in distress, and that includes being the supporter when they're hurting.

I'm not saying anything will happen but I'm concerned more about myself in this situation. It wasn't a great relationship and I was the one hurt in the end... I don't want to even allow the chance for old feelings to come back.

Is it possible to really be a friend to her or is this one I should back off from?

[Ciaran]

Originally Posted by Cuddles

Can You Really Be Friends With An Ex?

The answer, in principle, is an unambiguous yes.

Of course, in reality, it depends on a whole multitude of factors dependent upon the relationship, the personalities involved, their shared history and their paths travelled since splitting up.

Sometimes, it's good to be friends with an ex, sometimes it's not. Treat every situation on it's own merits. It's no different from being friends with a neighbor or a work colleague in the sense that there's no straightforward "right" or "wrong" to when a friendship should work and when it shouldn't.

On occasions, the shared history will be a bond and in other scenarios, the shared history would clearly make any attempt at friendship a disaster for one or both parties. Ultimately, only you and your ex can answer that one.


Personally, I've stayed friends with some exes. I find this healthy. A relationship not lasting doesn't necessarily mean that we cannot be social, have strong mutual interests and enjoy each other's company and sharing fun times.

[princessbelle]

Originally Posted by Cajun_dee

i feel the same way and don't understand the need to have exes as friends, if things were bad enough that i left them, why would i want to now be *friends* later? If our paths cross that's one thing but yes i left them for a reason, and that reason is probably enough reason not to be in each others lives.

For me, this is just MHO, i don't have a "need" to be a friend with my exes. But, I do believe it is great when friendships can come out of relationships and that has most certainly happened for me a couple of times. I've seen this from others as well and it always warms my heart and makes me think "good for them".

And even the term friend can be dissected as to it's true meaning. A close friend, a friend you rarely talk to, someone who has your back, etc. It varies, IMO with each person that we consider a "friend".

I have a couple of exes i never speak to, the break ups were not exactly hunky dory. But, i would still help them if they called, for instance, saying they had cancer or someone in their family did and needed a shoulder or a friend or nursing guidance. I would for anyone, and most certainly for someone that i once cared about evidently enough to be their partner.

But, again, IMO, there has to be boundaries in every type of relationship and most certainly with an ex. Would it break my heart if an ex didn't want to be friends with me? Maybe, but i'd get over it...probably rather quickly.

[girl_dee]

Also if you have kids involved, that could influence things. Maybe for me the relationship/breakup was painful and i just don't want that energy in my life.

[BullDog]

Currently I am not really friends with any of my exes, but I have been friends with some of them in the past. Others I haven't wanted to speak to ever again after things ended.

I have one ex that at first we did keep in some contact. It wasn't a good relationship and didn't end too well. After a while I didn't feel she was being respectful of me and didn't want to continue the friendship. I asked her not to contact me anymore. She honored my request.

One of my exes was my partner for 12 years. I made the decision to break up. She is a great person and always treated me well. The passion was just not there for either one of us. When I moved out and got a place of my own I had a party. I felt weird about inviting her but also weird about not inviting her. So I did ask her but said I would totally understand if she didn't want to come. Well she came to my party and met a friend of a friend. They started dating and have been together ever since. It's been about 10 years. Lesbian cliche I guess, lol. Actually among my lesbian friends it is quite common for people to be friends with their exes.

[genghisfawn]

I've discovered a few circumstances:

1) You can be friends because there was no romantic chemistry but you got along beautifully otherwise;

2) A friendship is possible until either one of you gets a jealous partner;

3) There's no way you'd have that person as a friend simply because they've proven that they're not good at the things that make a friend (honesty, compassion, loyalty, etc.)

My only recommendation is to tread carefully and don't become friends if either of you still have feelings. Ex sex is awkward. Good luck!

[girl_dee]

Being honest about the ex relationship is crucial.

If you are not up front about all of it and respect boundaries, the new love of your life may have reason to be *jealous*.

[SugarFemme]

The way I see it, if you have loved someone enough at one time to become partners, love them enough to have a successful break-up unless there was violence or dishonesty. I prefer to leave a relationship before we get to the point where we can no longer tolerate one another. My daughters Father and I have been divorced for fourteen years and have remained very close. Doesn't mean we have not had our our "moments", but for the most part we are still close.