Everything you wanted to know about dating...

[*Anya*]

Great question Andy!

The compliment is the best ice breaker of all.

I always try to keep in mind that the other person is just as nervous as I am and maybe more. That person screwed up their courage to walk across the room (or wherever) to come and give you that compliment and are probably worrying that you will tell them to get lost or will turn your back on them.

No matter how insecure or self-conscious that I may be feeling, I try to set myself to the side to put the other person at ease.

Everyone likes to talk about themselves. Ask a question or give them a compliment in return ( a genuine one, if you mean it): "Thank you, I was admiring your shirt, too. That looks really good on you". Or, "I love your crew-cut. How often do you have to get it cut?"

Open ended questions work better than ones that can just be answered yes or no.

These don't work in every case but are some things that I have used to keep the interaction going.

We always assume that the other person won't like us, when it may very well be the other way around! In that case, I smile and say, "It was nice talking with you and thanks again for the compliment" and go on my way.

[SaltyButch]

Oh this is a wonderful thread...the stories I could share. It's been said a few times already that the initial meeting really shouldn't be a "date" it should be a meeting to see if there is a reason why you might want to date. The online experience and real time experience can be different so if you are meeting do something that you both enjoy which may help put you at ease. This initial meeting of course happens for me after I have had some online or phone conversation, if I cannot hold a conversation with you then there is no real point in meeting because communication is key for me.

The worst date I have ever had was a blind date for Pride...I know...I know...I should have known better, we went to a roof party and people I didn't even know were telling me to ditch the girl, I couldn't my integrity would not allow me to...we proceeded to meet some of her friends, she introduced me by the wrong name, and yes I still persevered.

We all went to a restaurant for dinner, thankfully I got along with one of her friends, and looked at this person with disbelief as my "date" leaned over across the table and said to her other friend in a not so quiet voice, I don't think she likes me....and her friend said you think it might have to do with the fact you called her by another name. Lawd save me now, we left and I took her home, and vowed never ever to do a blind date for Pride again. This same girl called me up and said hey you never called me....I wonder why.

[1PlayfulFemme]

Originally Posted by homoe

Here’s something I’m willing to share on this thread! If someone has caught your eye and piqued your interest and you’re willing to take the risk and ask them out, my advice is to be specific and get the word ‘date’ in at some opportunistic moment. Being too vague is a mistake I think occurs all too often in the dating world

*Laughing* "dated" a woman once...and didn't know it until our 3rd "date". She NEVER asked me out...simply said we should "Hang out sometime" which to me..was NOT an invitation for a date. So, we hung out. Once. Twice..then on the third "date" she told me that she was talking to her best friend about this girl she was dating...I hate to admit, I still didn't know it was me..until she said my name in the story....

So, yeah...directness helps...

[Soft*Silver]

I have dated alot. Alot. So much that amongst my friends, I am pretty much considered the lucky one.

I google everyone. Sorry if its an invasion of privacy. I dont look up your property taxes but I want to see your FB page. I want to know if you belong to hate groups. I want to know you arent married. I wouldnt dream of looking up your IQ but I might look up your dating profile on other sites.

I always talk on the phone first. Alot. And I ask a ton of "what if" questions to get a sense of personality, values and character. Ex: What if the woman you dated a few times suddenly had a death of a close family member. Would you be willing to attend the funeral and calling hours with her?

I make sure everyone knows I am DATING. Not IN a relationship the moment we meet. Lesbian Uhaul is a common theme. And I date more than one person unless I am in a committed relationship.

Recently, one of my acquaintances locally was going on match sites. She smiled at a woman, they talked once on the phone, and she began calling her her GF. Seriously? There was a presumption on her part that something was going to happen between them since they had similar interests. Well hell, so what if people like to read the same kind of books and like to watch The Big Bang Theory? So do many many other people, including those who you would hate to be around! It scares me to think of how sudden we bond!

[dykeumentary]

I was just reading the thread in the Femme Zone about flirting in a non-LGBT space, so this topic flowed nicely.

If/when I want to date someone, it usually comes after a few successful flirting experiences. I don't think google has a "flirting" function yet, so that's not where I'd go to get insight on a date. I pursue dates, and name them dates when I ask a woman out. I'm too old and grumpy for long distance or online dating.

I flirt early and often. As a "handy person" I'm hired to go into people's houses (mostly straight women), make them feel comfortable and happy. There's an unfortunate power dynamic, because they "need" my skills and I "need" their payment. So one way to smooth the way through that is for me to flirt with them. It's an old contractor trick, and a stereotype that I suppose I should be embarrassed to embody.

Anyway.

I tend to be interested in women who are passionate about SOMETHING. Our ability to convey our passion in a way that turns the other person on is what makes a date hours long, or 15 minutes long.

Dating is about discovering someone as an independent entity. I want to date someone who will enchant me with tales of what they're reading, doing, competing in, performing and dreaming of. If each of us isn't SuPER interesting when we're single, I don't expect we will be more interesting once in a relationship. And that doesn't bode well...

Its my responsibility to be charming and fascinating and challenging and self-sufficient. That's my recipe for successful dating.

[Ginger]

I like to have written correspondence with someone for a while before we go on a date. I can miss social cues in person (likewise, I can send them unintentionally), so I like to see the words on the page because I "read" that information best of all.

I'm by nature a friendly, playful person and I've realized that that is sometimes taken as flirting, when I don't intend it. I try to be conscious of that and if it happens repeatedly, I avoid the place where it happened, either online or in person, figuring that it's just not my "scene." When I find a pocket of reality where people really "get" me, I treasure it and return there as much as I can.

I'm not looking for someone to date; I'm still or maybe I should say, re-involved with my girlfriend whose house I just moved out of, but I guess I'd say that when I do flirt, it's through humor. In my family, when people really like each other, they tease and poke fun at each other, not in unkind ways, but in ways that say, "I see you better than anyone else in the world and I'm noticing little things that are unique to you."

That said, I tease any of my friends I really like, and that's not flirting. I went out with my best straight-guy friend last night, and I always tease him a lot and make him laugh at himself. He started doing the same to me, which I never get, and I love. We have a lot of "in" jokes that come from how well we know each other.

That's just friendship, and here's the difference between that and flirting: When I got home, I talked with my girlfriend on the phone, and teased her mercilessly, which was fun. She always knows more than anyone else in the room about any goddamn thing that comes up and I like to cut right through that and point out how cynical and overly serious and sometimes officious she is. It catches her off guard—I don't think it happens much in her life—and she laughs like a little kid. Sometimes there is a daring quality in my tone, as if I'm daring her to defy my "take" on her, and it completely disarms her. There is none of that with the friend I went out with last night, none of that "Bet you can't pin me down" energy.

[*Anya*]

What are some other ways or methods that you have used to meet potential dates?

What worked?

What didn't and why?

[Dude]

do not rely on instant messaging if you really want
to get to know someone

stick to emails

or the phone

to avoid misunderstandings

[ScandalAndy]

I start conversations. I usually compliment someone and ask a question or two. I like to do this at things like talent shows, open mics, or friends' parties. I feel like it gives you a better chance to talk to someone and have a real conversation.

That being said, I can't say for certain that any of it has worked. I definitely approach people, but I don't think they realize I'm flirting with them.

One time when I was working in the coat check at the bar I was flirting hard with someone. Their friend came to get them and said they were leaving. I was saying goodbye when they leaned through the window and kissed me! They snuck away from their friend a couple hours later at a bar a few blocks away to come back and give me their number. That totally worked for me!

Originally Posted by *Anya*

What are some other ways or methods that you have used to meet potential dates?

What worked?

What didn't and why?

[Ginger]

I would advise that if there's any way possible to meet around a common interest, not sexual preference, that might help.

[Rope]

When my two butch pals and I were single at the same time we started a social group (and this is not just a plug) called Butch/Femme Socials. The idea was that it's nice to meet online but how about meeting our target dating pool in person. So we opted to create meet ups that weren't just in bars, but around stuff to do: movies, dinners, poker, bowling, formal dances, etc. That way some of the pressure of one on one was taken off. Ten plus years, yeah, we're still going with less frequency to our parties/socials.

Yes, we even started Slut Night as one of our events but that is another story and it was great to hear it went to other butch/femme communities across the country.

I am polyamorous so that colors my dating a little differently. I still feel like Joe Dork Butch when I meet a new person for coffee or drinks. I don't feel like I am interviewing femmes but I do feel they have often had that style of dating. I want to hear what drives them, what was the best vacation they went on and why, I want to know what they're passionate about, I want to know what they've learned about __________fill in the blank with their choice of topic sex, relationships, the world, books, movies, etc.

I don't mind asking people out on dates or having them ask me--I may be butch and a Top but have at it....nothing ventured/nothing gained!

One of the things we learned from doing the Butch/Femme Socials is--having greeters at our events so that everyone was made to feel welcome. It's incredibly brave to walk into a bar or dance and not know anyone and dying to meet so and so across the room. So we do the middle school hook up <g> and make sure people meet each other.

I'll spare you the details of how we got these events off the ground but create an event and they will come has been our experience. Yes, we live in Gay Mecca--San Francisco and there's 500 plus on our mailing list but still, people are still shy. MANY have moved here---why try to lure your potential date to not only a community with few butch/femme let alone Gays, but move to where the fishing is easier.

As to being Googled---um, if you have nothing to hide then who cares and if you want to get your personal info. off there, you can do that too with regular maintenance.

Bad first dates, oh yeah. Great first dates, yeah had those too. Yes, I'd love to put that book together. Some want to be "friends" first, that doesn't work for me--friends are who I watch the game with not make out with. Some don't want to label it a date, well then we might as well be two people baking cookies--it's a date. I can usually tell on the first date whether there's anything I want to pursue, nerves aside, I can tell.

Rope--

[Dude]

maybe friend means different things to different people?

what I am talking about is someone being
interested in you as a person not just a sex partner

someone who will care about your well being
who is supportive of outside friendships
who has and nurtures their own

someone who cares about your dreams and does not
expect you to give them up for their dreams
someone who knows how to be there in hard times
outside of the bed
who lives their life with integrity
someone who is willing to compromise ,sometimes

someone you can have faith in at all times
and in all circumstances
someone who knows how to play and has a sense of humor

that takes time to learn outside and separate from
the beginning lust stuff

the whole fucking enchilada
that's what I'm talking about
not just a hook up

but "relationship material"

[Gráinne]

Originally Posted by Dude

maybe friend means different things to different people?

what I am talking about is someone being
interested in you as a person not just a sex partner

someone who will care about your well being
who is supportive of outside friendships
who has and nurtures their own

someone who cares about your dreams and does not
expect you to give them up for their dreams
someone who knows how to be there in hard times
outside of the bed
who lives their life with integrity
someone who is willing to compromise ,sometimes

someone you can have faith in at all times
and in all circumstances
someone who knows how to play and has a sense of humor

that takes time to learn outside and separate from
the beginning lust stuff

the whole fucking enchilada
that's what I'm talking about
not just a hook up

but "relationship material"

Agree. Don't get me wrong; lust is great . A sexual chemistry is what differentiates a potential partner from just a friend. It's important to me that a partner enjoys that erotic connection (with me!)

But I also want someone who will be my buddy. Someone I can lean on and who can come to me as well. Without that friendship, sex becomes just an act.

[Ciaran]

Originally Posted by *Anya*

Having sexual attraction does not mean jumping in bed with her but knowing it has the potential to have it all-love, intimacy, companionship and sex.

I'm no nun. I have jumped.

Originally Posted by *Anya*

Another one was an ex-nun who shared with me that she had had sex with almost everyone in her order and was looking for someone to join her all-ex-nun weekly mass that they held on Sundays. Also out of luck as I am not Catholic.

Um .... looks like some nuns have jumped too

[*Anya*]

Funny post Ciaran, made me laugh out loud. Thanks

I started this thread for us to share about our dating experiences, to exchange tips and ideas, as well as for support.

This morning, I am also thinking about the not-so-fun side of dating.

There are many reasons why I honestly do not like dating. I look at it as a necessary "evil" ( just coining a phrase here folks-of course it is not evil at all).

Since "the one" is not going to just walk up and knock on our door uninvited, there is time and energy that goes into dating.

My hours at my job are now long. I rarely get a lunchtime (eat @ my desk) and breaks are a thing of my past.

When I get home @ 6 or 7, honestly, I am pretty done in. Chats on the phone in the evening, during the week are difficult for me.

What is really the hardest for me, is letting someone that is, on the face of it, a potentially wonderful partner know that the chemistry is not happening for me.

I find myself in this position with one of the women that I have been dating. We have had 3-4 dates because I wanted to be sure.

I absolutely hate to tell her somehow, someway. I did not want to tell her in a text, email or on the phone. That does not feel right to me. As hard as it is, I need to tell her in person and I am dreading it.

I know it is the right thing to do. Looking into someone's face and telling them, as nicely as I know how, "I am sorry but I don't feel it for you" or " "I don't feel that we/I have sexual chemistry together"?

I frankly could never, ever picture myself having sex with her.

How do I tell her? What do I say? What is the best way to stop dating someone and to preserve their self-esteem at the same time?

I have no idea. I think you can tell how often I have been in this position. I truly can't remember when.

Ideas? Suggestions?

Help!

[Chancie]

I went on a few first dates with people I met online, mostly through a now defunct dating site.

For me, if I knew after one cup of coffee that I wouldn't want to see my date again,

I told them directly, and

Because I had met them online, and

Because we had only gone out once,

I would send an email.

I would say, You are an awesome person, but

I didn't feel any chemistry between us. <-- Yes, I really did this.

Several dates might require a telephone call, but

Even if one is shy, I think an email is better than nothing.

I enjoyed getting to know you, but I don't think we have much in common, or

I liked meeting you. Maybe our paths will cross again some time.

<-- Is that too vague?

[Chancie]

Oh, oops, I missed that you want to tell your date in person.

Does a telephone call feel too casual?

I hope it's okay if I say,

Don't wait too long.

:yourdatemightentertainotherideas:

[The_Lady_Snow]

I once had a date with a sweet sweet woman who brought her Star Wars figurine collection with her to talk about during DINNER.

I have to say I was pretty impressed at the condition of her figurines and BORED.

So I payed for dinner, shook her hand and told her it was great but I wasn't interested.

I like to cut things quickly if nothing is going on, some dating lasted longer but if it was just dating then I made it clear it was simply that dating. I didn't have an expectation that a relationship was going to happen nor did I want them to have that same expectation.



That's why dating *for me* is enjoyable, I can date multiple people, or not and take my time getting to know them.

[SleepyButch]

Originally Posted by *Anya*

Funny post Ciaran, made me laugh out loud. Thanks

I started this thread for us to share about our dating experiences, to exchange tips and ideas, as well as for support.

This morning, I am also thinking about the not-so-fun side of dating.

There are many reasons why I honestly do not like dating. I look at it as a necessary "evil" ( just coining a phrase here folks-of course it is not evil at all).

Since "the one" is not going to just walk up and knock on our door uninvited, there is time and energy that goes into dating.

My hours at my job are now long. I rarely get a lunchtime (eat @ my desk) and breaks are a thing of my past.

When I get home @ 6 or 7, honestly, I am pretty done in. Chats on the phone in the evening, during the week are difficult for me.

What is really the hardest for me, is letting someone that is, on the face of it, a potentially wonderful partner know that the chemistry is not happening for me.

I find myself in this position with one of the women that I have been dating. We have had 3-4 dates because I wanted to be sure.

I absolutely hate to tell her somehow, someway. I did not want to tell her in a text, email or on the phone. That does not feel right to me. As hard as it is, I need to tell her in person and I am dreading it.

I know it is the right thing to do. Looking into someone's face and telling them, as nicely as I know how, "I am sorry but I don't feel it for you" or " "I don't feel that we/I have sexual chemistry together"?

I frankly could never, ever picture myself having sex with her.

How do I tell her? What do I say? What is the best way to stop dating someone and to preserve their self-esteem at the same time?

I have no idea. I think you can tell how often I have been in this position. I truly can't remember when.

Ideas? Suggestions?

Help!

The only thing I can say is that honesty really is the best way to go about anything even if it may hurt a bit. It's just finding the right way to do it. You could always just tell her that you really enjoy her company, assuming that you do, but that you think you are better off being ... (yes here comes that dreaded word that people who are dating hate to hear)... friends. You don't really have to say that you are not physically attracted to her unless she asks you why???

Or while you are out.. you could say.. hey.. I really cherish you as my friend.. ty for that.. or you are a really good friend to me.. something like that...lol.

Or I really enjoy your friendship, let's not ruin what we have by making this about sex.

Really, who am I to give anyone advice. Being an introvert myself, I am not very good at any of this.

I guess if I was dating someone and they were not physically attracted to me, I would want to know as soon as possible so that I would not bring any further romantic feelings into what we had. Just tell me... but don't say.. hey you are butt ugly (I know it's not always about looks) and you just don't do it for me. Say.. hey Sleepy... I really like you as my friend and I would like to continue growing just a friendship with you if you are okay with that.

Just a few thoughts anyway..

[*Anya*]

I think that maybe I went out with her a few too many times.

I have had coffee with several that it was easy to just say thanks but no thanks.

I also really wish that I felt "that way" about her.

She is stable, solid, mature, retired, financially well-off, funny and a very sweet butch.

Oh and she really likes me.

I guess I think that I should feel that way about her.

Damn.