What are your three non-negotiables (in a relationship)?

[silkepus]

Originally Posted by DJ4321

First, thanks for this thread. I've read most of the other posts and totally agree that 1)Honesty; 2) Integrity; 3) Fidelity
I would have to add Understanding (If you expect me to forgive your shortcomings, be prepared to forgive mine-we are afterall, both human); No drama--if I want drama, I'll watch it on television. I expect some drama from a femme (Ok, OK, now don't take offense at that, it's just been my experience is all), but let's sit down and talk like the two adults we claim to be and do it without drama; Loving, compassionate, able to accept all the love and tenderness I want to shower you with; My strength, my heart, my love is yours--take it but handle it with CARE.
OK, so I guess that's a few more than three, but they would be my deal breakers.

I'd like to point out that none of my deal breakers have anything to do with any physical characterstics or flaws. They are all nontangible---the things that really matter in life.

Offense taken.

[Violette]

Originally Posted by DJ4321

First, thanks for this thread. I've read most of the other posts and totally agree that 1)Honesty; 2) Integrity; 3) Fidelity
I would have to add Understanding (If you expect me to forgive your shortcomings, be prepared to forgive mine-we are afterall, both human); No drama--if I want drama, I'll watch it on television. I expect some drama from a femme (Ok, OK, now don't take offense at that, it's just been my experience is all), but let's sit down and talk like the two adults we claim to be and do it without drama; Loving, compassionate, able to accept all the love and tenderness I want to shower you with; My strength, my heart, my love is yours--take it but handle it with CARE.
OK, so I guess that's a few more than three, but they would be my deal breakers.

I'd like to point out that none of my deal breakers have anything to do with any physical characterstics or flaws. They are all nontangible---the things that really matter in life.

I find that we pick people who are mirrors for ourselves. When a person can see that and chooses to learn from that, their experience deepens. One can see what one is bringing to the dynamic. Perhaps some reflection is in order.

You chose to write some interesting words in a site full of femmes and people who love them. Perhaps this is what you seek.

[*Anya*]

Originally Posted by DJ4321

First, thanks for this thread. I've read most of the other posts and totally agree that 1)Honesty; 2) Integrity; 3) Fidelity
I would have to add Understanding (If you expect me to forgive your shortcomings, be prepared to forgive mine-we are afterall, both human); No drama--if I want drama, I'll watch it on television. I expect some drama from a femme (Ok, OK, now don't take offense at that, it's just been my experience is all), but let's sit down and talk like the two adults we claim to be and do it without drama; Loving, compassionate, able to accept all the love and tenderness I want to shower you with; My strength, my heart, my love is yours--take it but handle it with CARE.
OK, so I guess that's a few more than three, but they would be my deal breakers.

I'd like to point out that none of my deal breakers have anything to do with any physical characterstics or flaws. They are all nontangible---the things that really matter in life.

Originally Posted by silkepus

Offense taken.

Ditto. *Said very calmly and with zero drama*

[MsTinkerbelly]

Originally Posted by DJ4321

First, thanks for this thread. I've read most of the other posts and totally agree that 1)Honesty; 2) Integrity; 3) Fidelity
I would have to add Understanding (If you expect me to forgive your shortcomings, be prepared to forgive mine-we are afterall, both human); No drama--if I want drama, I'll watch it on television. I expect some drama from a femme (Ok, OK, now don't take offense at that, it's just been my experience is all), but let's sit down and talk like the two adults we claim to be and do it without drama; Loving, compassionate, able to accept all the love and tenderness I want to shower you with; My strength, my heart, my love is yours--take it but handle it with CARE.
OK, so I guess that's a few more than three, but they would be my deal breakers.

I'd like to point out that none of my deal breakers have anything to do with any physical characterstics or flaws. They are all nontangible---the things that

really matter in life.

Offense taken

[kittygrrl]

Originally Posted by DJ4321

First, thanks for this thread. I've read most of the other posts and totally agree that 1)Honesty; 2) Integrity; 3) Fidelity
I would have to add Understanding (If you expect me to forgive your shortcomings, be prepared to forgive mine-we are afterall, both human); No drama--if I want drama, I'll watch it on television. I expect some drama from a femme (Ok, OK, now don't take offense at that, it's just been my experience is all), but let's sit down and talk like the two adults we claim to be and do it without drama; Loving, compassionate, able to accept all the love and tenderness I want to shower you with; My strength, my heart, my love is yours--take it but handle it with CARE.
OK, so I guess that's a few more than three, but they would be my deal breakers.

I'd like to point out that none of my deal breakers have anything to do with any physical characterstics or flaws. They are all nontangible---the things that really matter in life.

You are welcome Sir, but let me include that in my experience butches seem to have a taste for drama too, sometimes in the best of ways! but also unfortunately at times not. Emotions between two people who love each other can run hot and so there are bound to be times, when passion can run amuk. But this should be anticipated and if there is love, you eventually come together and work out a fair solution. Love is great, it's just not simple!

[Candelion]

In my experience I have found that broaching a subject as a calm, reasonable, adult has still resulted in me being accused of drama. Sometimes, the other person has simply not wanted to discuss the subject that I have broached. Pulling the "drama" accusation is an easy way to shut down the conversation, instead of being honest and simply saying, "I don't feel like talking about it now". Nobody wants to be a drama queen, so it's an easy way to silence someone.

I have to agree with kittygrrl...sometimes intense passion brings a little drama. But I would NEVER forego passion simply to avoid a little drama. Drama...heh...I can deal with it.

Welcome to the planet, DJ.

[DJ4321]

Holy cow! You sweet little femmes might just have opened my eyes a little bit! Can it possibly be that I've lived this long without learning this? I think maybe this is why I'm drawn to you soft, cuddly teddy bears---you appear like you need us Butches, but maybe it's really us Butches who need you!
You have all given me lots to contemplate--am I looking in a mirror, am I really just shutting down the conversation, am I afraid to honestly see so I just call it "drama"? Very interesting indeed.
Thanks everyone for your honesty and willingness to help this butch.

[Jar]

Originally Posted by silkepus

Offense taken.

I knew when I saw that post it was going to offend and I found it offensive as well. I know people in the community AND outside it that cause drama on a regular basis.

[Jar]

Originally Posted by DJ4321

Holy cow! You sweet little femmes might just have opened my eyes a little bit! Can it possibly be that I've lived this long without learning this? I think maybe this is why I'm drawn to you soft, cuddly teddy bears---you appear like you need us Butches, but maybe it's really us Butches who need you!
You have all given me lots to contemplate--am I looking in a mirror, am I really just shutting down the conversation, am I afraid to honestly see so I just call it "drama"? Very interesting indeed.
Thanks everyone for your honesty and willingness to help this butch.

I don't mean to criticize but this post feels a little condescending. I don't think you mean any harm but sometimes our (mine too) posts come across totally wrong.

I do agree with one thing you said .... That it's us butches that need femmes! I crave that energy. The exchange between butch and femme is like no other energy.

[Ginger]

I saw the post equating femmes with drama-makers.

Let me add to my list of non-negotiables, sexism.

[lamuymuyfem]

Originally Posted by DJ4321

Holy cow! You sweet little femmes might just have opened my eyes a little bit! Can it possibly be that I've lived this long without learning this? I think maybe this is why I'm drawn to you soft, cuddly teddy bears---you appear like you need us Butches, but maybe it's really us Butches who need you!
You have all given me lots to contemplate--am I looking in a mirror, am I really just shutting down the conversation, am I afraid to honestly see so I just call it "drama"? Very interesting indeed.
Thanks everyone for your honesty and willingness to help this butch.

CIJS…which is another thread….This sweet-but-assertive, not-so little femme would lovingly ask you to continue your self-reflection…..

Butch Femme Planet is never boring and a great place to learn new things……..DJ4321, enjoy your journey of discovery.

Originally Posted by DJ4321

Holy cow! You sweet little femmes might just have opened my eyes a little bit! Can it possibly be that I've lived this long without learning this? I think maybe this is why I'm drawn to you soft, cuddly teddy bears---you appear like you need us Butches, but maybe it's really us Butches who need you!
You have all given me lots to contemplate--am I looking in a mirror, am I really just shutting down the conversation, am I afraid to honestly see so I just call it "drama"? Very interesting indeed.
Thanks everyone for your honesty and willingness to help this butch.

Really?

Answering with yet more of the same assumptions and sexist language doesn't really help yer cause mate.
You'll find plenty of strong, capable, articulate femmes who will be telling you why such attitudes and language are unacceptable. Pin back yer ears!

* handy hint alert
May I suggest reading around the site. You'll learn lots if you remain open-minded and willing to learn. I've learned lots about my attitudes by being a member here and reading...lots.

[Jar]

Originally Posted by Daktari

Really?

Answering with yet more of the same assumptions and sexist language doesn't really help yer cause mate.
You'll find plenty of strong, capable, articulate femmes who will be telling you why such attitudes and language are unacceptable.

Well said and I totally agree!

[DJ4321]

thank you very much lamuymuyfem and others who have responded. This is all making me chuckle--and shake my head as well. I appreciate the way you disagreed with me but didn't do so in a critical way. Rather in a way that invited me to continue learning.
That is one thing this journey is all about, learning along our way. Others may not see things the way we do, we may not see they way we do, but if we can keep ourselves open to learning, maybe we can learn new and better ways along the way.
I respect whatever you believe are your "deal breakers" all I ask is that you respect what I consider mine. By the same token, I want to grow as a person and if my "deal breakers" are holding me back from growing, then by all means I would want to hear about that, have an opportunity to reflect on that and then make my own decisions.
Thanks all and may our energy continue to help each of us develop into stronger people.

[CherylNYC]

Originally Posted by DJ4321

Holy cow! You sweet little femmes might just have opened my eyes a little bit! Can it possibly be that I've lived this long without learning this? I think maybe this is why I'm drawn to you soft, cuddly teddy bears---you appear like you need us Butches, but maybe it's really us Butches who need you!
You have all given me lots to contemplate--am I looking in a mirror, am I really just shutting down the conversation, am I afraid to honestly see so I just call it "drama"? Very interesting indeed.
Thanks everyone for your honesty and willingness to help this butch.

I'm not sure where to start deconstructing this head-patting, sexist mess, but I wonder if this second post was yet another attempt to start drama since your first post didn't quite get enough fire breathing aimed at you to justify your repellent assertion that femmes are drama prone? You should open your eyes and look in the mirror, indeed.

Of course I always suspect we're getting played by a troll whenever it's as easy as shooting fish in a barrel.

[Violette]

Originally Posted by CherylNYC

I'm not sure where to start deconstructing this head-patting, sexist mess, but I wonder if this second post was yet another attempt to start drama since your first post didn't quite get enough fire breathing aimed at you to justify your repellent assertion that femmes are drama prone? You should open your eyes and look in the mirror, indeed.

Of course I always suspect we're getting played by a troll whenever it's as easy as shooting fish in a barrel.

Yes, Yes, Yes! And Yes! The thought that this is a troll has crossed my mind several times. Especially after the second post. "Sweet little femmes..." Wow.

[nycfem]

This thread has had a recent report which I wanted to acknowledge (thank you). We try to stay out of the thread if people are working things out directly with each other which seems to be the case right now. If someone is truly found to be a troll of course they will be banned but sometimes it takes some time to figure that out. Just an update that we are alerted and also that the reason there has been no administrative stepping in at this point is that people are speaking up on the thread themselves.

[Jar]

Originally Posted by Violette

Yes, Yes, Yes! And Yes! The thought that this is a troll has crossed my mind several times. Especially after the second post. "Sweet little femmes..." Wow.

This was my first thought too.

[nanners]

I can assure you this person, DJ is not a troll. I know her, and in fact have dated her and introduced her to this site. I cringed when I read her posts, knowing she has a lot to learn about the butch femme dynamic and this site. I hesitated to even post, because we are no longer dating but she truly is a good person, just has a lot to learn, as do we all when we enter unfamiliar territory.

[Jar]

Originally Posted by nanners

I can assure you this person, DJ is not a troll

Thanks! I had meant to ask you if it was the same one