Ireparably Broken?

[SoNotHer]

My pleasure, RY. I have found that working out again and focusing on my health has been a great way to reclaim something.

After a period of less and less contact, I finally had to get to the place of no contact with my ex, thus ending everything but the memory of the abuse, which is enough to deal with. I guess I had some notion that there could be a soft landing, but at some point, it was clear to me every communication, regardless of the content, was taken as a sign that we might get back together.

Do what's right by you and for you. That's all you really owe anybody. And put that big love into things like working out, or painting, or long walks, or visits with friends or whatever you know will bring you joy without guilt, shame or pain.

:-)

[RadiantYearning]

Originally Posted by SoNotHer

I guess I had some notion that there could be a soft landing, but at some point, it was clear to me every communication, regardless of the content, was taken as a sign that we might get back together.

It's amazing the similarities in situations. After I had ended the relationship, very straight-forward and very specifically, my ex still considered that I was cheating on hym when I started dating this other person months later. I ended the new relationship because my heart was still aching for my ex, despite the damage that had been done. I think about this ended relationship a lot lately and how much I hurt that other person who was an innocent person in my disaster. I think about whether or not my ex has changed as much as hy says hy has.

So much damage has been done that I am cold hearted now. I want to be able to love with heart and soul again. There have been times when I see a glimmer of hope ... but then other times, like tonight, when I wonder if I'll ever be capable of giving myself wholly to another again.

[SoNotHer]

Originally Posted by RadiantYearning

It's amazing the similarities in situations. After I had ended the relationship, very straight-forward and very specifically, my ex still considered that I was cheating on hym when I started dating this other person months later. So much damage has been done that I am cold hearted now. I want to be able to love with heart and soul again. There have been times when I see a glimmer of hope ... but then other times, like tonight, when I wonder if I'll ever be capable of giving myself wholly to another again.

I would have had the same response, RY. As much as this sounds like a cliche, love became obsession/possession. And anything and everything I did for my own self was construed as some kind of betrayal.

My soul had stopped growing, and I knew every time I was abused, some part of me went under. I did not think about resuscitation. I did not think about resurrection. had no idea I would ever need to think such stuff. I thought I was resilient. I thought I could take it all. I thought, I always thought, things were always just about to get better.

All I can tell you is that the quality of the people I am meeting now is far superior to anything I knew or let myself experience. I don't know how much of me is still buried, is still lost. But when dear friends start coming back into me, friends who my ex alienated, and they tell me that they are seeing the return of me, I take that as a very good sign.

That you are even asking this and reaching out to people is a very good sign. There's a part of you that very much wants to believe again. And with your wits about and the lessons of this learned, you will find that shining knight. Truly. :-)

[RadiantYearning]

Truly, what torments me more than anything tonight is the person that I hurt in all of this. I've been having nightmares about her and thinking about her. I remember the tears rolling down her face when I told her that I loved her but that I wasn't in love with her ... she said to me, but I am in love with you, what went wrong? I had no answer for her. I have this urge to email her and apologize but I don't know if there's any point to that ... such a haunting night for me.

[SoNotHer]

Originally Posted by RadiantYearning

Truly, what torments me more than anything tonight is the person that I hurt in all of this. I've been having nightmares about her and thinking about her. I remember the tears rolling down her face when I told her that I loved her but that I wasn't in love with her ... she said to me, but I am in love with you, what went wrong? I had no answer for her. I have this urge to email her and apologize but I don't know if there's any point to that ... such a haunting night for me.

What is the worst that would happen if you did email her? She might be angry with you or not respond at all. But at least you let her know. And I am sure some part of her knew that you were in this place. But she may also really welcome hearing from you.

You may have read Arwen's tarots posts. They're quite good. One of them for my sign was about cycles and about letting go of a love to let love come in again and cycle. It was also about helping other people.

I think love does cycle, and sometimes the things we do show an immediate effect, and sometimes they just plant a seed. If you contact her, it may give her some understanding or at least resolution, and if she's angry with you, just know that that will pass and that that's where she needs to be.

If you're still thinking about this and even haunted by it, you may both have a much stronger connection than either one of you realize.

[*Anya*]

Interesting thread. I know what has shaped me to be the person I am, I have insight into myself, my behaviors, how my thoughts impact my actions but yet, too many times I found myself back in the same place, saying WTF- u did it again?!

Physical/emotional abuse by parents/marry @ 18 to escape their prison to move into a new one with my physically/emotionally abusive bio husband, fell in love with my first GF but someting was missing- oh yes, she treated me like a queen. Unused to it. She was a dear but she was a femme and I didn't feel that powerhouse sexual attraction.

Then I met my butch. Instant attraction. She was so bright, funny, charming, 3rd year law school (till the frontal lobe brain tumor took her logic, ability to make good judgments away but left her with lots and lots of id-the Fruedian type of id- where she would fuck any hot girl possible, followed bybtears, apologies, it will never happen again but it did, couples therapy, piles of emotional abuse for me and my two daughters that couldn't help but know the house was so tense it could have been cut with a knife. Yes, I took my daughters to counseling too, even though they hated to go. They needed a healthy place to process to.

Numb, yes, pretty much for 6 years. I haven't even really dated all this time.
It seems so simple to tell someone: just take a chance. That my be easier to say if 50% of the chances you have taken in your own life were good ones. It is not so easy when 80% of those chances were bad ones for you.

I am not totally numb now. I see sparkles of light coming through my living room curtains. I saw the sun shine on the water and heard the waves yesterday. I was reminded that there is still life to live. I don't exactly know how yet but have to believe that there is one more woman for me out in the world that I can fully trust and again open my soul up to some fresh air.


I know this has not been a good day for me. The loss of my dogs is a trigger for me of abandonment-that I know. The whole thing is like a giant ball of yarn in all different colors. Each strand represents a loss I have had. I should probably put it on a barge and drop it in the ocean (as long as not harmful to fish, etc that live in the ocean). Maybe I will do one for myself, symbolic of the losses & then set it on fire or something. Have to give that thought.

Sorry for the ramble. I can't sleep, it's 11:36pm and I have to go to work tomorrow. Good night.

[macele]

these are things i know for sure.
no advice here, just sure things.

we have to get rid of the junk that is bringing us down.
then our hearts can move on, heal ...
be grateful, thankful.

we can fall in love again, ...
with a person, place, or thing.
the heart needs to detach and reattach.

the heart doesn't ask permission to love/to fall in love.
even those that don't deserve.

timing is everything. a time to stay, a time to leave, etc.

ask for help.
whether it's professional
or from those everyday angels that are waiting
to pick us up and give us a soft shove in the right direction.

fear comes in so many shapes and sizes.
happiness can't live in fear.

our entire beings tell us when we need change.
we know. but sometimes we've let it build up so high
before we try to change ...

feeling unworthy, mistakes, feeling like we can't ever be the same,
like we've screwed it all up so much ... why try --
we hurt and we go numb thinking that will stop the hurt.
we feel overwhelmed.

we are special. you are special.
i hope that you reconnect with your heart soon.

[Ginger]

Originally Posted by *Anya*

Interesting thread. I know what has shaped me to be the person I am, I have insight into myself, my behaviors, how my thoughts impact my actions but yet, too many times I found myself back in the same place, saying WTF- u did it again?!

Sadly, it's validating for me to hear that a smart woman like you can be so dumb, so to speak—I'm fairly well endowed, intellectually, but it doesn't seem to help me much when it comes to relationships. I am convinced I have a romance-based learning disorder and always will. I hope that isn't true for you.

Physical/emotional abuse by parents/marry @ 18 to escape their prison to move into a new one with my physically/emotionally abusive bio husband, fell in love with my first GF but someting was missing- oh yes, she treated me like a queen. Unused to it. She was a dear but she was a femme and I didn't feel that powerhouse sexual attraction.

I fled my family at 16 to be an abusive teenage marriage. What I learned from my parents' marriage was, Stay no matter how bad it is—ironically I ran like the wind from my childhood, and still struggle with the flight impulse, which was my first way of protecting myself. And like you, I didn't date butch women at first... but I have to say just because they're butch, for me, doesn't mean the sexual match is ideal. I know you weren't saying that either.

Then I met my butch. Instant attraction. She was so bright, funny, charming, 3rd year law school (till the frontal lobe brain tumor took her logic, ability to make good judgments away but left her with lots and lots of id-the Fruedian type of id- where she would fuck any hot girl possible, followed bybtears, apologies, it will never happen again but it did, couples therapy, piles of emotional abuse for me and my two daughters that couldn't help but know the house was so tense it could have been cut with a knife. Yes, I took my daughters to counseling too, even though they hated to go. They needed a healthy place to process to.

Damn, I had no idea, though I really don't know you after reading only a couple dozen posts. Wow. My dad just had a stroke and I'm seeing the same scary release of id that you're talking about. (He gets mad in the car, slams on the brakes, it fishtails, I freeze as I did when I was a kid, and realize I've got the father of childhood back...) Others with family members who've had brain damage and strokes have shared with me that it's not an unusual behavior, that loss of impulse control. But it sucks.

Numb, yes, pretty much for 6 years. I haven't even really dated all this time.
It seems so simple to tell someone: just take a chance. That my be easier to say if 50% of the chances you have taken in your own life were good ones. It is not so easy when 80% of those chances were bad ones for you.

I am not totally numb now. I see sparkles of light coming through my living room curtains. I saw the sun shine on the water and heard the waves yesterday. I was reminded that there is still life to live. I don't exactly know how yet but have to believe that there is one more woman for me out in the world that I can fully trust and again open my soul up to some fresh air.

I really hope that is true. I don't believe there is someone for everyone and I don't think it's always our fault if we end up alone and I don't believe "it'll happen when you're ready"—I think dumb luck and the random nature of the universe has a role in things too. But whatever it is, I hope you find someone truly awesome and deserving of you.

I know this has not been a good day for me. The loss of my dogs is a trigger for me of abandonment-that I know. The whole thing is like a giant ball of yarn in all different colors. Each strand represents a loss I have had. I should probably put it on a barge and drop it in the ocean (as long as not harmful to fish, etc that live in the ocean). Maybe I will do one for myself, symbolic of the losses & then set it on fire or something. Have to give that thought.

Keep the metaphors coming. They buoy those unconscious things up to the surface, and help us process, IMO.

Sorry for the ramble. I can't sleep, it's 11:36pm and I have to go to work tomorrow. Good night.

Insomnia is cruel and unfair. Trite as it sounds, I find things really do seem better in the morning light. I hope that's true for you too sometimes.