5 Signs You May Be Dating an E-Cheater

[bigbutchmistie]

Well I saw this and I thought hmmm its fitting for all of us single folks who are looking online for dates and hopefully potential partnerships....

I also though, NO DUH at all the signs.. Thats common sense.

These days if you are single and NOT dating online, you may be missing out. Over 40 million Americans (that's about half the single population) are looking for love in cyberspace. Gone are the days of having to pretend that "er... Aunt Sally set us up!" At this point, most of us know someone who has found a great long-term relationship as the result of being on an online dating site.
What we don't hear about as much is the number of people dating online who are not single. Some estimate that close to one-third of those dating online are, in fact, otherwise attached.
There are a number of reasons why people who are already in a relationship go online to find love (or more realistically, a fling), but that is for another installment. For now, you need to protect yourself so you don't end up being misled by a person you really like who is e-cheating.
Consider these five questions to determine if you are with someone who is already... with someone.


#1. When do you communicate with each other?

Noticing your date's schedule is the first step in spotting an e-cheater. Are you communicating with your date at odd hours -- very early in the morning or very late at night? Have you ever spoken during peak times, like between 7-10 p.m. during the week? What about the weekends? If your date is only free to see or call you at odd hours and rarely around on the weekends, take note.
Even if this person isn't e-cheating: A person who is never free to speak or meet at peak times, perhaps because he/she is a workaholic, is still unavailable!

#2. Are you confined to emails and texts?

While it's true that some people hate the phone, make sure to have at least a few phone conversations with your date at peak times. And a word of caution: if you have enjoyed intimate online chats for more than a month but have never met in person, that's a warning sign. Typed words are no basis for a relationship! Whenever possible, communicate three to five times before booking a live date, and then go outside and get offline.
Even if this person isn't e-cheating: There's no point in communicating online for months on end. Doing so only increases expectations and decreases your chance for a spark when you finally meet.

#3. Have you met your date's friends, family, or co-workers?

Have you seen your date in his/her world? Of course you likely won't meet your date's network right away. But after a few months of dating, it is a valid concern if you have never met people connected to him/her.
Even if this person isn't e-cheating: If you've dated for months and your partner does not want to introduce you to others, it doesn't matter whether or not he/she is single; you should be concerned that you are not meeting people close to him/her.

#4. Have you been to your date's home?

After a few months of dating, your partner should have shared his/her home with you. I have a client who used to tell me that the guy she was dating was so romantic. He flew into her hometown every month on business and would invite her to hotels all over the city for dates. Turns out this guy -- who she thought was flying into Canada from the U.K. -- lived 30 minutes away from her with his wife and two kids.

#5. Do you trust your intuition?

Bottom line: you have a better sense than anybody does about what feels right. It is true that people who have nothing to worry about in a relationship rarely question their partner's fidelity. If you have an "off" feeling, trust your gut and investigate further. There's likely a good reason why you are questioning where you stand.

Like I said above that's just commons sense. All rules above I live by... I learned the hard way...

[Selenay]

First, where did this come from? Who wrote this?

And secondly, I don't agree with their idea that you should meet a partner after less than a month. Perhaps if you live in the same city that holds true, but otherwise it's a minimum of three months. It takes me a month to give someone my phone number!

But I grew up online, so perhaps I feel differently than others.

[bigbutchmistie]

By dating expert Andrea Syrtash

[Dylan]

For me personally

The article A) reads like it was written by someone who dated a cheater and is therefore scorned and B) setting up unrealistic expectations and ridiculous 'warning' signs, because she 'refuses to be embarrassed again'. I mean, some of the things just sound a little paranoid.

I'm sorry, but the whole 'peak time' thing, just doesn't work all the time...nor does meeting within a month, nor does meeting 'family'. I've been with Mahhh Woman for 2 years, and I've known her for 4 or 5 years. She's met no one from my family, and she's only met one of my close friends. And coworkers? Really? After how long?

At least those things don't work for people in my particular class bracket. Sorry, but I don't have the money to visit friends and family just because I'm internet dating someone, and they're afraid of getting burned twice.


Maybe It's Just Me,
Dylan

[T D]

Been there, lived it... these signs are real and true!

[apretty]

i'm doing #s 1 and 2 right now and i like the idea of #3 but it's hard to get someone to keep their family from me 100 % of the time.

[Kobi]

It's late, I'm tired, I had to read this a few times before I understood that e-cheater was referring to someone who was married or otherwise involved with someone else who was prowling the net as a single person.

Poor June is probably in the corner banging her head against the wall again waiting for the misunderstandings to bloom

[Jet]

Originally Posted by bigbutchmistie

Well I saw this and I thought hmmm its fitting for all of us single folks who are looking online for dates and hopefully potential partnerships....

I also though, NO DUH at all the signs.. Thats common sense.

These days if you are single and NOT dating online, you may be missing out. Over 40 million Americans (that's about half the single population) are looking for love in cyberspace. Gone are the days of having to pretend that "er... Aunt Sally set us up!" At this point, most of us know someone who has found a great long-term relationship as the result of being on an online dating site.
What we don't hear about as much is the number of people dating online who are not single. Some estimate that close to one-third of those dating online are, in fact, otherwise attached.
There are a number of reasons why people who are already in a relationship go online to find love (or more realistically, a fling), but that is for another installment. For now, you need to protect yourself so you don't end up being misled by a person you really like who is e-cheating.
Consider these five questions to determine if you are with someone who is already... with someone.


#1. When do you communicate with each other?

Noticing your date's schedule is the first step in spotting an e-cheater. Are you communicating with your date at odd hours -- very early in the morning or very late at night? Have you ever spoken during peak times, like between 7-10 p.m. during the week? What about the weekends? If your date is only free to see or call you at odd hours and rarely around on the weekends, take note.
Even if this person isn't e-cheating: A person who is never free to speak or meet at peak times, perhaps because he/she is a workaholic, is still unavailable!

#2. Are you confined to emails and texts?

While it's true that some people hate the phone, make sure to have at least a few phone conversations with your date at peak times. And a word of caution: if you have enjoyed intimate online chats for more than a month but have never met in person, that's a warning sign. Typed words are no basis for a relationship! Whenever possible, communicate three to five times before booking a live date, and then go outside and get offline.
Even if this person isn't e-cheating: There's no point in communicating online for months on end. Doing so only increases expectations and decreases your chance for a spark when you finally meet.

#3. Have you met your date's friends, family, or co-workers?

Have you seen your date in his/her world? Of course you likely won't meet your date's network right away. But after a few months of dating, it is a valid concern if you have never met people connected to him/her.
Even if this person isn't e-cheating: If you've dated for months and your partner does not want to introduce you to others, it doesn't matter whether or not he/she is single; you should be concerned that you are not meeting people close to him/her.

#4. Have you been to your date's home?

After a few months of dating, your partner should have shared his/her home with you. I have a client who used to tell me that the guy she was dating was so romantic. He flew into her hometown every month on business and would invite her to hotels all over the city for dates. Turns out this guy -- who she thought was flying into Canada from the U.K. -- lived 30 minutes away from her with his wife and two kids.

#5. Do you trust your intuition?

Bottom line: you have a better sense than anybody does about what feels right. It is true that people who have nothing to worry about in a relationship rarely question their partner's fidelity. If you have an "off" feeling, trust your gut and investigate further. There's likely a good reason why you are questioning where you stand.

Like I said above that's just commons sense. All rules above I live by... I learned the hard way...

I learned my lesson...never again meeting someone online. well,..never again meeting someone period.

[Words]

This part, I agree with.

''Bottom line: you have a better sense than anybody does about what feels right.''

Words, off to prepare breakfast for the wife and six kids that B. forgot to mention during O/our six-month online romance. Not. *Insert eye roll*

P.S. In all seriousness, it's wise to be careful...sometimes, though, you just gotta go, aided by a not insignificant ammount of common sense, with what feels right.

[AtLast]

I think I prefer being set-up.... Well, only by those that really know me well... However, I did meet my last partner online, however, that was 9 years ago and I see a difference with my experiences then and now. Hummm... wonder if it has to do with recent dating within the B -F community almost exclusively? First time for me to do so and I have actually shifted away from this now. Feels too constraining and scripted for me in many ways. LOL... actually shifted away from dating entirely lately! And its Spring...

Who knows! Actually, I find that that where I live has many dating opportunities in which B-F folks are intermingled with the various LGBTI sub-communities and that just works better for me. A very positive thing for someone that doesn't like group think.

[bigbutchmistie]

Thank you all for your responses. Even if you didnt agree.. For some of us it rings true and others it doesnt. I just enjoyed the article and thought I'd share and get a different discussion going

[Dylan]

I think basing all of your future relationships off of past relationships only sets you up for being perpetually single.

I mean, yeah, there's a difference between using common sense and being a moron

But I also tend to think that if the same things keep happening with everyone you date, that has more to do with you than 'everyone you date'. When the only common variable is you, you're probably what's really at issue.

Looking for reasons NOT to date someone is kind of setting them up to fail, and you'll never find a partner. Yeah, some people are assholes, but if you treat everyone else like they're 'going to be an asshole, and I'm going to prove it by looking for any reason to prove that theory...see, look, you don't talk to me during these times. HA! gotcha fucker!" you're only setting yourself up.

If you look at the rest of the world as assholes just waiting to treat you badly, you'll definitely prove that's true...but maybe not because everyone really is an asshole, but because you treat everyone like they're an asshole.


Dylan

[Queerasfck]

I think for the most part you can put yourself out there to meet people online and in the real world and still be careful about what's you're risking. Especially in the beginning it shouldn't be a problem to casually get to know someone. I really don't see how there can be one time table for all. Everyone's situation is not the same. Especially as some have already mentioned if you are getting to know someone from out of town you may not have the money to fly/drive whatever to meet them right away. Sometimes rushing things is not good anyway. Also, desperation is not an attractive quality. At least in my opinion. If you start to play that tape over and over about how you're not ever going to meet someone, how lonely it is being single I'm not really sure you're going to be able to get or attract the kind of relationship that is lasting, stable and healthy.

[Martina]

Originally Posted by Dylan

But I also tend to think that if the same things keep happening with everyone you date, that has more to do with you than 'everyone you date'. When the only common variable is you, you're probably what's really at issue.

If you look at the rest of the world as assholes just waiting to treat you badly, you'll definitely prove that's true...but maybe not because everyone really is an asshole, but because you treat everyone like they're an asshole.

I totally agree. I am highly suspicious of the perpetually-wronged-in-relationships folks. I mean, I feel bad for them. But . . . .

I get wanting to be single, too. But swearing off because people are too whatever is just not healthy. If you prefer being on your own, wahoooo. If you just don't think the world is fair or happiness is possible for you, it's definitely time for some personal work, IMO.

[Bit]

I think the time-frame guidelines might not apply to us in the butch-femme community, for one very simple reason: we're a very small community scattered all over the globe; quite often we find compatible partners quite far away. You can't expect to reasonably meet inside a month if the two of you are ten states apart and neither has the money for constant travel--or if you're in two different countries.

I also think the part about not meeting family wouldn't necessarily apply when so many of us are estranged from our families.

I do think that at least having contact with someone's friends is a very good idea--if your love interest is online, the friends are likely to be as well. But I wouldn't expect to meet the friends face to face unless the relationship moved face to face, yanno?

[Andrew, Jr.]

Bit,

I think you said it best for me. This site, and so many here I do consider my family. Maybe not blood, but still my family.

[Lynn]

I think the list brings up the kind of things you think about in hindsight. How many people do I know who ignored everything and trekked across country or across town to UHaul it with their own true loves? So many, it's hard to believe. I've also ignored the rational and sane, but fortunately, managed to end things before losing the farm. Truthfully, a list like this would have done very little for me, ahead of time. Everyone has to grow and learn from his or her own experiences. For every one of these warning signs, I can think of someone who would have benefitted from heeding the advice.

I agree that the best measure is the feeling in your own gut. But, sometimes your gut's voice is drown out by the insistent voices of other parts.

I can understand feeling despairing of ever meeting anyone or being cautious about finding someone, on line or in person. But, I can't imagine reaching the point where I would just throw up my hands and declare that there isn't anyone for me, on line or wherever. You just never know where you will meet someone. Closing off a door, for me, implies fear rather than openness. Coming from a place of fear or resentment is a good way to attract someone who is entirely inappropriate, based on my experience.

[SuperFemme]

Originally Posted by Martina

I totally agree. I am highly suspicious of the perpetually-wronged-in-relationships folks. I mean, I feel bad for them. But . . . .

I get wanting to be single, too. But swearing off because people are too whatever is just not healthy. If you prefer being on your own, wahoooo. If you just don't think the world is fair or happiness is possible for you, it's definitely time for some personal work, IMO.

I am just as suspicious of the Knights and Knightess' in Shining Armour. If you want to rescue a princess or prince please for the love of god be honest about the fact that you're an Ogre.

[Rockinonahigh]

Im not shure how I feel about online dateing cause sofar its been up and down,some of the ladies I meet cause we are not to far and some there is no way to do that..ive even dated the one sho were closer to me.I really dont see how I can be in an ldr and feel like we can have a real relationship unless we can be together in real time.I want to court and woo who ever she may be.I have friends on line but being,seeing and spending time with someone is really important to me its real dateing to me.I have had all of the above mentioned things happen to me,I got burned really bad a fue times so will be very careful about these things from now on.

[Bit]

Been thinking about it... I've had several online relationships that didn't last, but I counted them as real when I had them, and I made all the same commitments I make in face to face relationships.

I think those relationships would have not lasted face to face for the same reasons they didn't last online.

Andrew, I also consider many people here to be family.