Butch Femme Planet  

Go Back   Butch Femme Planet > HEALTH: BODY, MIND, SPIRIT > Support: Abuse, Addiction, Coping

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 01-30-2010, 02:26 PM   #61
DELSDAUGHTER
Member

How Do You Identify?:
femme , with occasional tomboy tendencies
Relationship Status:
single,just me and the pup...
 
DELSDAUGHTER's Avatar
 

Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: sittin on the Mason-Dixon
Posts: 239
Thanks: 29
Thanked 83 Times in 51 Posts
Rep Power: 429667
DELSDAUGHTER Has the BEST ReputationDELSDAUGHTER Has the BEST ReputationDELSDAUGHTER Has the BEST ReputationDELSDAUGHTER Has the BEST ReputationDELSDAUGHTER Has the BEST ReputationDELSDAUGHTER Has the BEST ReputationDELSDAUGHTER Has the BEST ReputationDELSDAUGHTER Has the BEST ReputationDELSDAUGHTER Has the BEST ReputationDELSDAUGHTER Has the BEST ReputationDELSDAUGHTER Has the BEST Reputation
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Andrew, Jr. View Post
This shit is not easy to get over. Not by a long shot. We can deal with it, and have a decent life. But we really never get over it. I know for me, and my perspective - I can hardly wait for my bio-father to die. All he has shown me is everything the opposite of what unconditional love it. And that my friends is not what life is about.
i know exactly how you feel.......when my abusive bio dad died it was like a weight was lifted off of me...and i only had to live with it till i was nine....

all i can say is thank god for my step dad......
DELSDAUGHTER is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to DELSDAUGHTER For This Useful Post:
Old 01-30-2010, 02:29 PM   #62
DELSDAUGHTER
Member

How Do You Identify?:
femme , with occasional tomboy tendencies
Relationship Status:
single,just me and the pup...
 
DELSDAUGHTER's Avatar
 

Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: sittin on the Mason-Dixon
Posts: 239
Thanks: 29
Thanked 83 Times in 51 Posts
Rep Power: 429667
DELSDAUGHTER Has the BEST ReputationDELSDAUGHTER Has the BEST ReputationDELSDAUGHTER Has the BEST ReputationDELSDAUGHTER Has the BEST ReputationDELSDAUGHTER Has the BEST ReputationDELSDAUGHTER Has the BEST ReputationDELSDAUGHTER Has the BEST ReputationDELSDAUGHTER Has the BEST ReputationDELSDAUGHTER Has the BEST ReputationDELSDAUGHTER Has the BEST ReputationDELSDAUGHTER Has the BEST Reputation
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by LittleShug View Post
Thank you DELSDAUGHTER and yes, it's like being conditioned by dysfunctional upbringing or experiences, you're always looking for that dysfunction to manifest itself SOMEWHERE in ANY and/or every area of your life...life, love, work, social, everywhere....no area off limits...

For me--I learned through God and ALL HIS GOODNESS that I didn't have to STAY in that mindset. (Therapy helped too, but not like prayer and faith.) You have to want it (change) I guess, you have to make a conscious (SP) effort to change our habits, our mode of thinking, our paranoia for instance, that keeps us thinking it's ALWAYS going to be like that, with EVERYONE. I read something here along the lines of 'since they'd never had a healthy, non-dysfunctional family, it was a foreign concept to experience one in their lives, via someone else. It was the same way for ME.

Thankfully, we have ALL learned to find a way out of the pain and abuse, and are on our way to healing, praise God! I see that in the posts I have read where we share our pain and experiences and then share how we are surviving. I have a saying, "everyday I open my eyes, I have another day to do something better than I did the day before". This saying is a part of what motivates me to keep going. That and the responsibility of being a mom and having someone needing me to be there, healthy and whole...and I plan to be. One day. If not, I hold on to the hope that I will continue on a pathway to healing and surviving more and more everyday. That this goal is attainable, and that it is a lifelong commitment that this commitment-phobe (that should say something)...lol...fully intends to keep.

I'm sure it's that way with all of us here, if we look, there's always some reasoning behind the motivation [survival] that gets us to sit up, prioritize ourselves and make a plan and decide to implement it, for our own best self. I'm rooting(sp)/praying for each and everyone of us to get to a healthy space in our hearts and lives through whatever means works for each of us.

Love and blessings to you!
well reading how you all are growing and living goodlives...gives me hope that those people that walked away will someday find their way to this same point you all have....thanks for including me in this conversation all of you....
DELSDAUGHTER is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to DELSDAUGHTER For This Useful Post:
Old 02-01-2010, 11:39 AM   #63
Canela
Senior Member

How Do You Identify?:
Queer Stone Femme
Preferred Pronoun?:
Babe, she, her, ella
 
Canela's Avatar
 

Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: San Antonio
Posts: 2,374
Thanks: 10,594
Thanked 6,527 Times in 1,697 Posts
Rep Power: 21474853
Canela Has the BEST ReputationCanela Has the BEST ReputationCanela Has the BEST ReputationCanela Has the BEST ReputationCanela Has the BEST ReputationCanela Has the BEST ReputationCanela Has the BEST ReputationCanela Has the BEST ReputationCanela Has the BEST ReputationCanela Has the BEST ReputationCanela Has the BEST Reputation
Default

I know this probably goes in the "quotes" thread, but I read it today and thought I would share it with all of us here...


A road well begun is the battle half won.
The important thing is to make a beginning
and get under way…

Soren Kierkegaard (1813-1855)
Danish philosopher and writer

Love and blessings to you all,

Little Shug
Canela is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to Canela For This Useful Post:
Old 02-04-2010, 09:55 AM   #64
HeartBreak Kid
Member

How Do You Identify?:
self
Preferred Pronoun?:
User formally Known as Tygerlily
 
HeartBreak Kid's Avatar
 

Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: my skin
Posts: 372
Thanks: 260
Thanked 446 Times in 166 Posts
Rep Power: 27
HeartBreak Kid has much to be proud ofHeartBreak Kid has much to be proud ofHeartBreak Kid has much to be proud ofHeartBreak Kid has much to be proud ofHeartBreak Kid has much to be proud ofHeartBreak Kid has much to be proud ofHeartBreak Kid has much to be proud ofHeartBreak Kid has much to be proud ofHeartBreak Kid has much to be proud of
Unhappy murder of self..

In those moments when I am too weak to think, I turn to my books....I try to find inspiration on the pages, I look for my life in between the lines.....
A good friend wrote some great things before I even knew she existed..I cannot explain what it is that I am feeling but she can........


One way women have had of coping is to withdraw - to go into your own space, to be depressed. Instead of attacking and venting anger, you turn it inward, against yourself, so that you get to feeling really depressed: You're not good enough; you fucked up . . . You say all these bad things to yourself. It's like beating, self-abuse. You're beating on yourself with these words and these messages that there's something wrong with you, because you didn't complete this or that task; and look at you, you don't have a relationship; or, look at you, you messed up on your relationship......... it's a constant abuse of self, a violence against the self. Some days, it's easier to take than somebody else abusing you, so what you do is you jump in and abuse yourself, before somebody else can do it.

I had gotten so down on myself, I mixed pills with alcohol. I almost suicided. I came very close to dying. This crisis brought me to the realization that to kill yourself, that's the ultimate mutilation, the ultimate abuse.......
There was an abuser inside of me, who was trying to kill the victim inside of me.
~"On Changing Identity" © 1991, 2006 by Canéla A. Jaramillo~
__________________
~Beautiful, sobbing, high-geared fucking

and then to lie silently like deer tracks

in the freshly-fallen snow beside the one you love
.

That's All~
~Richard Brautigan, "Deer Tracks"~


Peace and Love


"Pssssst.......your STEREOTYPES are showing"....
~StabbyK~

HeartBreak Kid is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to HeartBreak Kid For This Useful Post:
Old 02-04-2010, 02:25 PM   #65
Andrew, Jr.
Timed Out

How Do You Identify?:
Me
Preferred Pronoun?:
He
Relationship Status:
Unavailable
 
Andrew, Jr.'s Avatar
 

Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Over the Rainbow in a House
Posts: 5,072
Thanks: 16,004
Thanked 5,249 Times in 2,216 Posts
Rep Power: 0
Andrew, Jr. Has the BEST ReputationAndrew, Jr. Has the BEST ReputationAndrew, Jr. Has the BEST ReputationAndrew, Jr. Has the BEST ReputationAndrew, Jr. Has the BEST ReputationAndrew, Jr. Has the BEST ReputationAndrew, Jr. Has the BEST ReputationAndrew, Jr. Has the BEST ReputationAndrew, Jr. Has the BEST ReputationAndrew, Jr. Has the BEST ReputationAndrew, Jr. Has the BEST Reputation
Smile

Heartbreak Kid,

I have heard of that before, but can't remember where from. It is anger turned inward = depression.

That is a horrible place to be. I think at one time or another we were all there. It just took so much energy and strength to live. And in living we are beating our abuser(s). They are the ones who failed us repeatedly.

Thank you for your post. It was so well stated.

God bless you,
Andrew
Andrew, Jr. is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Andrew, Jr. For This Useful Post:
Old 02-04-2010, 06:08 PM   #66
Canela
Senior Member

How Do You Identify?:
Queer Stone Femme
Preferred Pronoun?:
Babe, she, her, ella
 
Canela's Avatar
 

Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: San Antonio
Posts: 2,374
Thanks: 10,594
Thanked 6,527 Times in 1,697 Posts
Rep Power: 21474853
Canela Has the BEST ReputationCanela Has the BEST ReputationCanela Has the BEST ReputationCanela Has the BEST ReputationCanela Has the BEST ReputationCanela Has the BEST ReputationCanela Has the BEST ReputationCanela Has the BEST ReputationCanela Has the BEST ReputationCanela Has the BEST ReputationCanela Has the BEST Reputation
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by HeartBreak Kid View Post
In those moments when I am too weak to think, I turn to my books....I try to find inspiration on the pages, I look for my life in between the lines.....
A good friend wrote some great things before I even knew she existed..I cannot explain what it is that I am feeling but she can........


One way women have had of coping is to withdraw - to go into your own space, to be depressed. Instead of attacking and venting anger, you turn it inward, against yourself, so that you get to feeling really depressed: You're not good enough; you fucked up . . . You say all these bad things to yourself. It's like beating, self-abuse. You're beating on yourself with these words and these messages that there's something wrong with you, because you didn't complete this or that task; and look at you, you don't have a relationship; or, look at you, you messed up on your relationship......... it's a constant abuse of self, a violence against the self. Some days, it's easier to take than somebody else abusing you, so what you do is you jump in and abuse yourself, before somebody else can do it.

I had gotten so down on myself, I mixed pills with alcohol. I almost suicided. I came very close to dying. This crisis brought me to the realization that to kill yourself, that's the ultimate mutilation, the ultimate abuse.......
There was an abuser inside of me, who was trying to kill the victim inside of me.
~"On Changing Identity" © 1991, 2006 by Canéla A. Jaramillo~

Wow.

I read this and kept seeing flashes of my life pass thru my mind...self destructive, self mutilating, self loathing, suicidal--over 25 years--that was me...It was a vicious cycle and exactly like the last line of your post, the abuser in me wanted to kill the victim in me...until I finally gave up trying to fix everything myself and handed myself over to my higher power. And then, it was over. Praise God. But this post of yours is so right on. Wow.

I'm just kinda sitting here writing this in a haze...*s...but this too shall pass...

To me, honesty and reality are the best antidotes for lingering ghosts...

Thank you for sharing this.
Canela is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Canela For This Useful Post:
Old 02-04-2010, 06:11 PM   #67
Canela
Senior Member

How Do You Identify?:
Queer Stone Femme
Preferred Pronoun?:
Babe, she, her, ella
 
Canela's Avatar
 

Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: San Antonio
Posts: 2,374
Thanks: 10,594
Thanked 6,527 Times in 1,697 Posts
Rep Power: 21474853
Canela Has the BEST ReputationCanela Has the BEST ReputationCanela Has the BEST ReputationCanela Has the BEST ReputationCanela Has the BEST ReputationCanela Has the BEST ReputationCanela Has the BEST ReputationCanela Has the BEST ReputationCanela Has the BEST ReputationCanela Has the BEST ReputationCanela Has the BEST Reputation
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Andrew, Jr. View Post
Heartbreak Kid,

I have heard of that before, but can't remember where from. It is anger turned inward = depression.

That is a horrible place to be. I think at one time or another we were all there. It just took so much energy and strength to live. And in living we are beating our abuser(s). They are the ones who failed us repeatedly.

Thank you for your post. It was so well stated.

God bless you,
Andrew
I love this too, Andrew, "and in living we are beating our abuser(s)"...amen!
Canela is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Canela For This Useful Post:
Old 02-04-2010, 06:41 PM   #68
Gemme
Practically Lives Here

How Do You Identify?:
Queer Stone Femme Girl of the Unicorn Variety
Preferred Pronoun?:
She, as in 'She's a GEM'
 
Gemme's Avatar
 

Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: The roads are narrow here
Posts: 36,583
Thanks: 182,144
Thanked 108,784 Times in 25,656 Posts
Rep Power: 21474887
Gemme Has the BEST ReputationGemme Has the BEST ReputationGemme Has the BEST ReputationGemme Has the BEST ReputationGemme Has the BEST ReputationGemme Has the BEST ReputationGemme Has the BEST ReputationGemme Has the BEST ReputationGemme Has the BEST ReputationGemme Has the BEST ReputationGemme Has the BEST Reputation
Default

HB Kid, I'm not familiar with Jaramillo's work, but it's true. The truly sinister part is that a lot of us don't realize what we are doing to ourselves until it's done.

For myself, I've sabotaged relationships, good things, time, good feelings in general, but especially my self feelings...self-worth, self-esteem, self-image...as a result of this inner abuse I put onto myself when it wasn't mine to do to begin with. My cup runneth over, they say, and I know that mine did and when it did, I did turn outward. I did rage. I did strike out, but not until I had filled me completely and had nowhere else to go.

The last line..."There was an abuser inside of me, who was trying to kill the victim inside of me."...is true for me, to a degree, even today.
__________________


I'm misunderestimated.
Gemme is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Gemme For This Useful Post:
Old 02-04-2010, 08:28 PM   #69
DELSDAUGHTER
Member

How Do You Identify?:
femme , with occasional tomboy tendencies
Relationship Status:
single,just me and the pup...
 
DELSDAUGHTER's Avatar
 

Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: sittin on the Mason-Dixon
Posts: 239
Thanks: 29
Thanked 83 Times in 51 Posts
Rep Power: 429667
DELSDAUGHTER Has the BEST ReputationDELSDAUGHTER Has the BEST ReputationDELSDAUGHTER Has the BEST ReputationDELSDAUGHTER Has the BEST ReputationDELSDAUGHTER Has the BEST ReputationDELSDAUGHTER Has the BEST ReputationDELSDAUGHTER Has the BEST ReputationDELSDAUGHTER Has the BEST ReputationDELSDAUGHTER Has the BEST ReputationDELSDAUGHTER Has the BEST ReputationDELSDAUGHTER Has the BEST Reputation
Default

Thank you all for these posts...it is really opening my eyes..about a lot things
about my past as well as my past relationships..or should i say lack of....and is helping me understand the people i have been involved with.

do you find as a person that has lived thru such abuse and trauma that you tend to be a rescuer in a relationship?
DELSDAUGHTER is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to DELSDAUGHTER For This Useful Post:
Old 02-04-2010, 08:33 PM   #70
Gemme
Practically Lives Here

How Do You Identify?:
Queer Stone Femme Girl of the Unicorn Variety
Preferred Pronoun?:
She, as in 'She's a GEM'
 
Gemme's Avatar
 

Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: The roads are narrow here
Posts: 36,583
Thanks: 182,144
Thanked 108,784 Times in 25,656 Posts
Rep Power: 21474887
Gemme Has the BEST ReputationGemme Has the BEST ReputationGemme Has the BEST ReputationGemme Has the BEST ReputationGemme Has the BEST ReputationGemme Has the BEST ReputationGemme Has the BEST ReputationGemme Has the BEST ReputationGemme Has the BEST ReputationGemme Has the BEST ReputationGemme Has the BEST Reputation
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by DELSDAUGHTER View Post
do you find as a person that has lived thru such abuse and trauma that you tend to be a rescuer in a relationship?
In the past, yes, I have been. That's no longer a role I'm interested in playing with adults. I still haven't gotten kids out of my system and honestly probably ever won't. I would move Heaven and earth to keep a kid from being abused or hurt.
__________________


I'm misunderestimated.
Gemme is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Gemme For This Useful Post:
Old 02-04-2010, 10:28 PM   #71
Andrew, Jr.
Timed Out

How Do You Identify?:
Me
Preferred Pronoun?:
He
Relationship Status:
Unavailable
 
Andrew, Jr.'s Avatar
 

Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Over the Rainbow in a House
Posts: 5,072
Thanks: 16,004
Thanked 5,249 Times in 2,216 Posts
Rep Power: 0
Andrew, Jr. Has the BEST ReputationAndrew, Jr. Has the BEST ReputationAndrew, Jr. Has the BEST ReputationAndrew, Jr. Has the BEST ReputationAndrew, Jr. Has the BEST ReputationAndrew, Jr. Has the BEST ReputationAndrew, Jr. Has the BEST ReputationAndrew, Jr. Has the BEST ReputationAndrew, Jr. Has the BEST ReputationAndrew, Jr. Has the BEST ReputationAndrew, Jr. Has the BEST Reputation
Default

I too would move heaven and earth to help a child. Anything for a child. The same for an animal, the elderly, the disabled.

But I am not a rescuer. Not by a long shot. I can barely take care of myself.
Andrew, Jr. is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Andrew, Jr. For This Useful Post:
Old 02-05-2010, 05:11 AM   #72
DELSDAUGHTER
Member

How Do You Identify?:
femme , with occasional tomboy tendencies
Relationship Status:
single,just me and the pup...
 
DELSDAUGHTER's Avatar
 

Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: sittin on the Mason-Dixon
Posts: 239
Thanks: 29
Thanked 83 Times in 51 Posts
Rep Power: 429667
DELSDAUGHTER Has the BEST ReputationDELSDAUGHTER Has the BEST ReputationDELSDAUGHTER Has the BEST ReputationDELSDAUGHTER Has the BEST ReputationDELSDAUGHTER Has the BEST ReputationDELSDAUGHTER Has the BEST ReputationDELSDAUGHTER Has the BEST ReputationDELSDAUGHTER Has the BEST ReputationDELSDAUGHTER Has the BEST ReputationDELSDAUGHTER Has the BEST ReputationDELSDAUGHTER Has the BEST Reputation
Default

i have found that the people i have dated that were in abusive homes when they were growing up.....tend to be just that "rescuers" And have always ended the relationship with me either because
A) i didn't need rescuing.(always been very self sufficient)
B) the relationship was too good, calm, lack of drama
C) have left the relationship for someone that was definitely in more need of rescuing then me...but oddly enough these women were always str8 and always had kids. And a common factor was they were really crappy parents...so i am not sure whether they were rescuing the mothers or the kids.
D) have said they didn't think they were good enough for me or couldn't live up to what i deserved.
DELSDAUGHTER is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to DELSDAUGHTER For This Useful Post:
Old 02-06-2010, 12:33 PM   #73
Dragonfly
Member

How Do You Identify?:
Queersexual Female
Preferred Pronoun?:
She
Relationship Status:
smiling real big
 
Dragonfly's Avatar
 

Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: My Own House Illinois
Posts: 330
Thanks: 871
Thanked 346 Times in 151 Posts
Rep Power: 645437
Dragonfly Has the BEST ReputationDragonfly Has the BEST ReputationDragonfly Has the BEST ReputationDragonfly Has the BEST ReputationDragonfly Has the BEST ReputationDragonfly Has the BEST ReputationDragonfly Has the BEST ReputationDragonfly Has the BEST ReputationDragonfly Has the BEST ReputationDragonfly Has the BEST ReputationDragonfly Has the BEST Reputation
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by HeartBreak Kid View Post
In those moments when I am too weak to think, I turn to my books....I try to find inspiration on the pages, I look for my life in between the lines.....
A good friend wrote some great things before I even knew she existed..I cannot explain what it is that I am feeling but she can........


One way women have had of coping is to withdraw - to go into your own space, to be depressed. Instead of attacking and venting anger, you turn it inward, against yourself, so that you get to feeling really depressed: You're not good enough; you fucked up . . . You say all these bad things to yourself. It's like beating, self-abuse. You're beating on yourself with these words and these messages that there's something wrong with you, because you didn't complete this or that task; and look at you, you don't have a relationship; or, look at you, you messed up on your relationship......... it's a constant abuse of self, a violence against the self. Some days, it's easier to take than somebody else abusing you, so what you do is you jump in and abuse yourself, before somebody else can do it.

I had gotten so down on myself, I mixed pills with alcohol. I almost suicided. I came very close to dying. This crisis brought me to the realization that to kill yourself, that's the ultimate mutilation, the ultimate abuse.......
There was an abuser inside of me, who was trying to kill the victim inside of me.
~"On Changing Identity" © 1991, 2006 by Canéla A. Jaramillo~



I just wanted to thank you for this post. Some days, like today, a person really just needs to hear this coming from someone else... somewhere else... just so your soul knows beyond any doubt that you are not alone in the way you feel. To see proof that you aren't the only one who has to struggle not to do this to themselves.
__________________
Stay Gold.
Dragonfly is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Dragonfly For This Useful Post:
Old 02-08-2010, 10:36 PM   #74
HeartBreak Kid
Member

How Do You Identify?:
self
Preferred Pronoun?:
User formally Known as Tygerlily
 
HeartBreak Kid's Avatar
 

Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: my skin
Posts: 372
Thanks: 260
Thanked 446 Times in 166 Posts
Rep Power: 27
HeartBreak Kid has much to be proud ofHeartBreak Kid has much to be proud ofHeartBreak Kid has much to be proud ofHeartBreak Kid has much to be proud ofHeartBreak Kid has much to be proud ofHeartBreak Kid has much to be proud ofHeartBreak Kid has much to be proud ofHeartBreak Kid has much to be proud ofHeartBreak Kid has much to be proud of
Default -----------------------------------------------------------


"THIS" is NOT a cry for help. Nor is it a call for support, acceptance, understanding, or sympathy. I am not asking for prayers, thanks, or even acknowledgment.

"THIS" is a person, a girl, a mother, an abuser and an abused woman sitting in the dark in a house with "family" that are as alien to me as I to them.

*I don't know them, they don't know me......we co-exists, each a sovereign planet orbiting around each other. Occasionally through the sheer will of ones gravitational pull.......we collide......and we speak something real....do something real.....then as predictable as the sun rising each morning........we disengage, and become alone..............
............again................

Today -
*I Feel like a star.......a tumultuous ball of gas giving all my warmth and light to everyone who seeks it...................
.......................When was the last time YOU thanked the sun?

My star.....is anxious....paranoid......confused.....but mostly tired......I have been spinning and shining and providing.........I want to rest............
....................So I wait..................

To Super Nova...........to self-destruct...........it takes so long........ I fight to pierce myself....but i cannot....the knife, the razor, the scissors are never sharp enough to bleed out.........
......................I have scars...............

I can feel the change.....The Super Nova is coming......But it tells me it needs my help............I cry out to light...............beg to learn the secret to extinguish it forever..................
...................no answer.........

Well, what is the next step......I need to burn hotter......so I may burn out......

I love harder, I hate harder, I give more, more more more....adding fuel to my fire........I cry tears.....My face is wet................
.......................I feel nothing.............

There has to be a way.....I need more....harder...rougher......dirtier.....hatefill ed....self loathing.....so i may explode.......... a brilliant, blinding blight..........
...........Removed..........

But my light, while smaller and dispersed......will shine, from afar...........
..................forever................
__________________
~Beautiful, sobbing, high-geared fucking

and then to lie silently like deer tracks

in the freshly-fallen snow beside the one you love
.

That's All~
~Richard Brautigan, "Deer Tracks"~


Peace and Love


"Pssssst.......your STEREOTYPES are showing"....
~StabbyK~

HeartBreak Kid is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-09-2010, 12:38 AM   #75
HeartBreak Kid
Member

How Do You Identify?:
self
Preferred Pronoun?:
User formally Known as Tygerlily
 
HeartBreak Kid's Avatar
 

Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: my skin
Posts: 372
Thanks: 260
Thanked 446 Times in 166 Posts
Rep Power: 27
HeartBreak Kid has much to be proud ofHeartBreak Kid has much to be proud ofHeartBreak Kid has much to be proud ofHeartBreak Kid has much to be proud ofHeartBreak Kid has much to be proud ofHeartBreak Kid has much to be proud ofHeartBreak Kid has much to be proud ofHeartBreak Kid has much to be proud ofHeartBreak Kid has much to be proud of
Default tomorow

Someone who self-injures is caught in a whirlpool of sorts. The one thing that we depend on is something that is considered bad for us. So we have to build an elaborate web of deceit, much like someone hiding a drug addiction. This hurts us as much as it does you. In fact, it contributes to our downward spiral. We lie, feel guilty for lying, cut ourselves to alleviate the guilt, then it starts over — we have to lie again. Tomorrow will be better, we tell ourselves. Tomorrow I’ll do better; I’ll start over, a clean slate. Only every tomorrow turns to today, and we always ruin today. We spend our lives chasing that tomorrow, that tomorrow that never comes. We cut our skin, trying to carve our imperfect bodies into something pure and beautiful. We hurt ourselves physically to ease the pain that ravages our insides. We hide behind our scars because we don’t know what we are deep inside, and what we do know we are, we hate. Growing up in a world that hates us, we just never learned quite how to live. And it’s as simple as that. No sideshow freaks, no scary psychotic asylum patients… just a bunch of people who are essentially broken in some way, waiting for the day to come when they will find the strength to fix themselves. And that day will come. Eventually they will realize they’ve hit rock bottom. “And that there is, in fact, an incredible freedom in having nothing left to lose.” (Hornbacher, 279).
__________________
~Beautiful, sobbing, high-geared fucking

and then to lie silently like deer tracks

in the freshly-fallen snow beside the one you love
.

That's All~
~Richard Brautigan, "Deer Tracks"~


Peace and Love


"Pssssst.......your STEREOTYPES are showing"....
~StabbyK~

HeartBreak Kid is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-09-2010, 02:58 PM   #76
Canela
Senior Member

How Do You Identify?:
Queer Stone Femme
Preferred Pronoun?:
Babe, she, her, ella
 
Canela's Avatar
 

Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: San Antonio
Posts: 2,374
Thanks: 10,594
Thanked 6,527 Times in 1,697 Posts
Rep Power: 21474853
Canela Has the BEST ReputationCanela Has the BEST ReputationCanela Has the BEST ReputationCanela Has the BEST ReputationCanela Has the BEST ReputationCanela Has the BEST ReputationCanela Has the BEST ReputationCanela Has the BEST ReputationCanela Has the BEST ReputationCanela Has the BEST ReputationCanela Has the BEST Reputation
Default

I'm here. And I'm glad you're all here, too.

Leaving you all many blessings,

Shug
Canela is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Canela For This Useful Post:
Old 02-09-2010, 03:09 PM   #77
Andrew, Jr.
Timed Out

How Do You Identify?:
Me
Preferred Pronoun?:
He
Relationship Status:
Unavailable
 
Andrew, Jr.'s Avatar
 

Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Over the Rainbow in a House
Posts: 5,072
Thanks: 16,004
Thanked 5,249 Times in 2,216 Posts
Rep Power: 0
Andrew, Jr. Has the BEST ReputationAndrew, Jr. Has the BEST ReputationAndrew, Jr. Has the BEST ReputationAndrew, Jr. Has the BEST ReputationAndrew, Jr. Has the BEST ReputationAndrew, Jr. Has the BEST ReputationAndrew, Jr. Has the BEST ReputationAndrew, Jr. Has the BEST ReputationAndrew, Jr. Has the BEST ReputationAndrew, Jr. Has the BEST ReputationAndrew, Jr. Has the BEST Reputation
Smile

Little Shug,

I am so relieved and happy you are here. You bring comfort to so many of us.

Love,
Andrew
Andrew, Jr. is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Andrew, Jr. For This Useful Post:
Old 02-09-2010, 03:48 PM   #78
Canela
Senior Member

How Do You Identify?:
Queer Stone Femme
Preferred Pronoun?:
Babe, she, her, ella
 
Canela's Avatar
 

Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: San Antonio
Posts: 2,374
Thanks: 10,594
Thanked 6,527 Times in 1,697 Posts
Rep Power: 21474853
Canela Has the BEST ReputationCanela Has the BEST ReputationCanela Has the BEST ReputationCanela Has the BEST ReputationCanela Has the BEST ReputationCanela Has the BEST ReputationCanela Has the BEST ReputationCanela Has the BEST ReputationCanela Has the BEST ReputationCanela Has the BEST ReputationCanela Has the BEST Reputation
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Andrew, Jr. View Post
Little Shug,

I am so relieved and happy you are here. You bring comfort to so many of us.

Love,
Andrew
Awwww, thanks Andrew--as do you!
Canela is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-16-2010, 03:58 PM   #79
Selenay
Member

How Do You Identify?:
A soul for a compass and a heart for a pair of wings.
Preferred Pronoun?:
All I ask of living is to have no chains on me.
Relationship Status:
All I own are the strides I spend to the finish line.
 
Selenay's Avatar
 
1 Highscore

Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Somewhere in between here and gone.
Posts: 662
Thanks: 110
Thanked 1,450 Times in 370 Posts
Rep Power: 6344714
Selenay Has the BEST ReputationSelenay Has the BEST ReputationSelenay Has the BEST ReputationSelenay Has the BEST ReputationSelenay Has the BEST ReputationSelenay Has the BEST ReputationSelenay Has the BEST ReputationSelenay Has the BEST ReputationSelenay Has the BEST ReputationSelenay Has the BEST ReputationSelenay Has the BEST Reputation
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by HeartBreak Kid View Post

One way women have had of coping is to withdraw - to go into your own space, to be depressed. Instead of attacking and venting anger, you turn it inward, against yourself, so that you get to feeling really depressed: You're not good enough; you fucked up . . . You say all these bad things to yourself. It's like beating, self-abuse. You're beating on yourself with these words and these messages that there's something wrong with you, because you didn't complete this or that task; and look at you, you don't have a relationship; or, look at you, you messed up on your relationship......... it's a constant abuse of self, a violence against the self. Some days, it's easier to take than somebody else abusing you, so what you do is you jump in and abuse yourself, before somebody else can do it.

I had gotten so down on myself, I mixed pills with alcohol. I almost suicided. I came very close to dying. This crisis brought me to the realization that to kill yourself, that's the ultimate mutilation, the ultimate abuse.......
There was an abuser inside of me, who was trying to kill the victim inside of me.
~"On Changing Identity" © 1991, 2006 by Canéla A. Jaramillo~
I love this piece, but it was not written by Canéla. Canéla transcribed an interview with Gloria Anzaldúa, so the quote belongs to her.

You Can Read The Rest Here

__________________
Two or three things I know for sure,
And one is that I would rather go naked
Than wear the coat the world has made for me.
Selenay is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Selenay For This Useful Post:
Old 02-16-2010, 04:21 PM   #80
Andrew, Jr.
Timed Out

How Do You Identify?:
Me
Preferred Pronoun?:
He
Relationship Status:
Unavailable
 
Andrew, Jr.'s Avatar
 

Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Over the Rainbow in a House
Posts: 5,072
Thanks: 16,004
Thanked 5,249 Times in 2,216 Posts
Rep Power: 0
Andrew, Jr. Has the BEST ReputationAndrew, Jr. Has the BEST ReputationAndrew, Jr. Has the BEST ReputationAndrew, Jr. Has the BEST ReputationAndrew, Jr. Has the BEST ReputationAndrew, Jr. Has the BEST ReputationAndrew, Jr. Has the BEST ReputationAndrew, Jr. Has the BEST ReputationAndrew, Jr. Has the BEST ReputationAndrew, Jr. Has the BEST ReputationAndrew, Jr. Has the BEST Reputation
Default

Does anyone still have flashbacks? This is how I perceive my ptsd.

Andrew
Andrew, Jr. is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -6. The time now is 03:24 AM.


ButchFemmePlanet.com
All information copyright of BFP 2018