Caregivers and Stress

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Teddybear

Well this weekend was so full of negative energy it wasn't funny. I did find an ally with my sister-n-law. The oldest of my 2 brothers finally just stopped talking to me. I still don't know what the issue is, to be honest i don't think he does either.

After they left this morning my mom told me it isn't fair that it is all put on me :l REALLY!!!!

She finally said she knows I work more then my brothers and she appreciates what I do.

I had to remind my brothersthat I'm working 100 hrs us a week including the 20+ hrs a week commuting to and from work. The look on their faces was priceless and I told them that didn't include the time I did things for Momma so they could help out once a month. She backed me up. Let's see what happens

Well i hope good things are in store for you!

[Teddybear]

Originally Posted by girl_dee

Well i hope good things are in store for you!

Me too!!!

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by girl_dee

UPDATE!

My mom hasn't even slept in the new place yet. Has decided she hates it there. She is settled in to my Aunt's house, who has told my sister she needs to go to her apartment. (We warned her!)

Todays call was that she is lonely and depressed, and misses her friends. All the things i told her would happen if she moved there.

i think she wants me to *fix it*.... i can't fix this.

i called my mom and she was crying when i called her. She is SO down. She still has not slept in the new apartment yet, and just wants me to fix this but not in so many words. She wants me to find her a place here which she knows she cannot afford.

i have to completely distract myself so i don't get wrapped up in her stuff.

[girl_dee]

well my mom is in deep now. This move was the biggest mistake ever. My aunt had to pretty much PUSH her out so she finally slept in the new place.... she hates it.

She is just plain mean at this point. She knows she made a huge mistake, and has no recourse.

i can't fix this , and its killing me. i always fix things when she mucks it up. Part of our dysfunction has been me bailing her out of bad situations. i have to let that go.

Everything in me says to stop contacting her, because her backlash is severe, but i just can't stop reaching out.

[Teddybear]

My baby brother is an idiot. My mom told him today that he needed to be here the 1st weekend in August. He started making excuses about how he is doing something Labor Day. Momma told him that was in September. I am afraid he isn't going to step up and give me any help or time

She thinks neither of my brothers want to be near her. I'm afraid that she is right but I cant tell her that or do I?

I think both my brothers are afraid of watching her get sicker and eventually passing. I don't know how to handle that to be honest.


I just want to grab both of them up by the collar and shake them.

Momma and I talked about how I ended up here taking care of her. She told me that she KNEW that the boys wouldn't want to take care of her. I think she knows they are only thinking about the end. I don't want to think about that.

It isn't just me working 2 jobs with commute it is right t 100 hrs a week. I feel that it is expected of me to be available every minute of the day or night with NO semblance of a life. I think all need to be involved in some way.

How has others been able to get family to step up? How much time did it take? Was there in fighting? What was the outcome?

Thank you all for any and all insight.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Teddybear

My baby brother is an idiot. My mom told him today that he needed to be here the 1st weekend in August. He started making excuses about how he is doing something Labor Day. Momma told him that was in September. I am afraid he isn't going to step up and give me any help or time

She thinks neither of my brothers want to be near her. I'm afraid that she is right but I cant tell her that or do I?

I think both my brothers are afraid of watching her get sicker and eventually passing. I don't know how to handle that to be honest.


I just want to grab both of them up by the collar and shake them.

Momma and I talked about how I ended up here taking care of her. She told me that she KNEW that the boys wouldn't want to take care of her. I think she knows they are only thinking about the end. I don't want to think about that.

It isn't just me working 2 jobs with commute it is right t 100 hrs a week. I feel that it is expected of me to be available every minute of the day or night with NO semblance of a life. I think all need to be involved in some way.

How has others been able to get family to step up? How much time did it take? Was there in fighting? What was the outcome?

Thank you all for any and all insight.

i left town, thats the ONLY way my sister to step up, and she has done very very little. When she does she tries to make me feel so horrible for having to do anything for my mom... its passive aggressive or in the way of humor she knows its not funny.

[MsTinkerbelly]

Originally Posted by Teddybear

My baby brother is an idiot. My mom told him today that he needed to be here the 1st weekend in August. He started making excuses about how he is doing something Labor Day. Momma told him that was in September. I am afraid he isn't going to step up and give me any help or time

She thinks neither of my brothers want to be near her. I'm afraid that she is right but I cant tell her that or do I?

I think both my brothers are afraid of watching her get sicker and eventually passing. I don't know how to handle that to be honest.


I just want to grab both of them up by the collar and shake them.

Momma and I talked about how I ended up here taking care of her. She told me that she KNEW that the boys wouldn't want to take care of her. I think she knows they are only thinking about the end. I don't want to think about that.

It isn't just me working 2 jobs with commute it is right t 100 hrs a week. I feel that it is expected of me to be available every minute of the day or night with NO semblance of a life. I think all need to be involved in some way.

How has others been able to get family to step up? How much time did it take? Was there in fighting? What was the outcome?

Thank you all for any and all insight.

My sister did almost nothing to help me with our mother; if I hadn't had my Kasey and my daughter, I would have lost my mind (and probably my life), as I worked full time, and had just had a triple bypass when we had to move in and care for her 24/7.

In the 2 years before mom passed, my sister stayed with her for a total of 6 hours 2 times so we could go to a school thing for my daughter, and out to a concert in the park. She had Thanksgiving at her house 1x, and Mom's day 1x right before she passed. I took her to all doctor's appointments and to dialysis 3x a week, dished out medication, cooked meals, bathed her, wiped her a@@, rubbed the leg cramps, sat with her while she cried in pain, and was with her while she lay dying in hospice care.

I wish I had insight for you, because I cried, begged, pleaded to no avail. Who is with your Mom while you are gone 100 hours a week? If she is alone, then tell her you have to have xyz number of hours away from the house without her or you won't be able to stay with her...if someone else stays with her, ask at your nearest senior center for someone who would like to volunteer to sit with her while you get out.

Sometimes, there is nothing you can do to make people be decent human beings, so I wouldn't depend on family to be there just because they should.

Take any, all, or nothing from my advice.

Blessings to you

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by MsTinkerbelly

My sister did almost nothing to help me with our mother; if I hadn't had my Kasey and my daughter, I would have lost my mind (and probably my life), as I worked full time, and had just had a triple bypass when we had to move in and care for her 24/7.

In the 2 years before mom passed, my sister stayed with her for a total of 6 hours 2 times so we could go to a school thing for my daughter, and out to a concert in the park. She had Thanksgiving at her house 1x, and Mom's day 1x right before she passed. I took her to all doctor's appointments and to dialysis 3x a week, dished out medication, cooked meals, bathed her, wiped her a@@, rubbed the leg cramps, sat with her while she cried in pain, and was with her while she lay dying in hospice care.

I wish I had insight for you, because I cried, begged, pleaded to no avail. Who is with your Mom while you are gone 100 hours a week? If she is alone, then tell her you have to have xyz number of hours away from the house without her or you won't be able to stay with her...if someone else stays with her, ask at your nearest senior center for someone who would like to volunteer to sit with her while you get out.

Sometimes, there is nothing you can do to make people be decent human beings, so I wouldn't depend on family to be there just because they should.

Take any, all, or nothing from my advice.

Blessings to you

Thank you Tinks!

[kittygrrl]

Whatever little sacrifices you can make for your mom (no matter the number or how small) will be repaid a hundred fold when she is no longer with you. It's super hard to keep that in mind especially when they are not able to be behave as the mom you remember-I wish I had, had the foresight to do more.

I miss her and think of her every day

[Teddybear]

Originally Posted by MsTinkerbelly

My sister did almost nothing to help me with our mother; if I hadn't had my Kasey and my daughter, I would have lost my mind (and probably my life), as I worked full time, and had just had a triple bypass when we had to move in and care for her 24/7.

In the 2 years before mom passed, my sister stayed with her for a total of 6 hours 2 times so we could go to a school thing for my daughter, and out to a concert in the park. She had Thanksgiving at her house 1x, and Mom's day 1x right before she passed. I took her to all doctor's appointments and to dialysis 3x a week, dished out medication, cooked meals, bathed her, wiped her a@@, rubbed the leg cramps, sat with her while she cried in pain, and was with her while she lay dying in hospice care.

I wish I had insight for you, because I cried, begged, pleaded to no avail. Who is with your Mom while you are gone 100 hours a week? If she is alone, then tell her you have to have xyz number of hours away from the house without her or you won't be able to stay with her...if someone else stays with her, ask at your nearest senior center for someone who would like to volunteer to sit with her while you get out.

Sometimes, there is nothing you can do to make people be decent human beings, so I wouldn't depend on family to be there just because they should.

Take any, all, or nothing from my advice.

Blessings to you

Ms Tink

Thank you. She stays by herself for 70 hrs I work from home the other 30+ or so. However she calls me at almost 5 pm daily to see if I have left yet. I'm a salaried employee so there is no such thing as 5 pm leaving. I worked till 8 Thursday night OMG I thought she was going to blow a stack. Once off I had to tell her that there would be days I wouldn't get out tge door at 5 or 530(when I usually leave). I also told her if she did what she said she was going to do I could b home quicker.

We did address that today she flat out refused to leave her home. I can understand that. Her and my dad designed and built this place. It isn't my home. For 14 years I wasn't allowed here. In some ways I hate it.

She is mad at me right now because I am planning on not being here the weekend my gf comes in. It is why my brother has to be here the first weekend of August.

I told my brother last weekend they could alternate. My other brother is 12 hrs away. If he came he would b there with her Saturday until 9-10 Sunday morning. I think they are just thinking I dont want to be with Momma. The truth is THEY need to have this time with her.

My mom told me that she wants to make up for the years I wasn't here. You all know you can't but you can move on and cherish this time together.

Thank you for this outlet. I'm afraid if I didn't have it I would surely let my mouth overload the rest of me.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by kittygrrl

Whatever little sacrifices you can make for your mom (no matter the number or how small) will be repaid a hundred fold when she is no longer with you. It's super hard to keep that in mind especially when they are not able to be behave as the mom you remember-I wish I had, had the foresight to do more.

I miss her and think of her every day

thanks for the reminder Kitty! i am sorry you have regrets.

i have fought against this very thing because i don't want more guilt when she is gone.

The mom i remember is a lesser version of this one.

i am going to hold on to as much good stuff as i can find though, so thank you

[girl_dee]

Today is the worst that i have experienced with her. She is trying to punish me, and i guess its working.

I woke up with a punch in my gut..

I am very close to not being able to contact her anymore.

Thank you all for your supportive notes. This is SO
hard.

[Teddybear]

Why does it have always be a struggle? My mom is back in the hospital. She had blood work done on Thursday. They called Friday afternoon to tell her that her INR was a 7 suppose to be between 2-4 for her to report o the ER now!!!! She called me in a panic. I told her to go I would be there ASAP( I work an 1.5hrs away with NO traffic in Atlanta), she told me she would wait for me to get there to take her. It was on. She refused to listen to me TG the doctor's office called back and told her to come to their office and retest. They are connected to the hospital.

Her INR is now at an 8. They make her go to the ER. I get there and "discover" stuff is going on other than the INR. They admit her.

Now y'all know it is now a waiting game. She got into a room around 11pm only to be moved again at 5 am.

It is about 3 weeks until my scheduled weekend off so I am making plans s to meet friends from Texas half way. I told her about it and again she has changed her mind about how things are going to work. I had to tell her NO. I was coming back we had someone to stay with her the 1 night I was going to be gone.

Then she told me to move back to Texas she would go live with one of my brothers. Now that stung.

I have offered alternatives so my commute wouldn't be so long daily or weekly. She isn't having no part of it. I'm not sure how to approach the subject without sounding mean.

I so want to tell her I have turned my life upside down to do what needs to be done she needs to give also however I wasnt raised to talk to my mom that way.

I have a laundry list of things she wants me to do around the house while she is in the hospital plus be at the hospital.

I looked in the mirror this morning and still there is only 1 of me. So I'm home doing them she just has to wanted.

Thank you for the forum to vent. It is much appreciated

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Teddybear

Thank you for the forum to vent. It is much appreciated

Thank you for sharing, it definately helps me to unload it here and not feel judged.

[Kobi]

My Mom died in December. The care giving is over. The rehashing is not. The rehashing might be part of grieving. It might be part of putting pieces of a puzzle together so things make sense. It might be both. I'm not sure.

Now, that I am not in the thick of it, I can see things somewhat differently, from perspectives I never had the luxury to entertain before. Hindsight has less pressure, less emotion, and can easily be put on the shelf for another day when it becomes too overwhelming.

I remember having conflicting emotions about care giving. There was a part of me who felt very strongly about what I saw as my responsibility. There was another part of me that became very resentful as my life, over time, turned into turmoil.

What I did not see, at the time, was I was focused so much on me and what was happening to me, that I had no concept of or appreciation of what others in my family, including my Mother, were dealing with.

My Mom was dealing with the loss of control over her body, her memory, her emotions, her home, her life, her decision making, her control. She became more and more frail and dependent and helpless. She hated that. She hated what was happening to her. Even more, she hated what it was doing to her kids and their lives. She struggled to maintain her dignity throughout, dealing as best she could with her own anger and frustrations and losses and guilt.

I was single or in uncommitted relationships. My primary family attachment was to my Mom. The decisions I made affected no one but me and my employer.

My brothers, on the other hand, were married/partnered. Their primary family attachment was to their spouses and children. The decisions they made affected many more people. Plus, their spouse/partners also had aging partners. Thus, they were being pulled in directions I, thankfully, never had to deal with.

I never appreciated that.

Aging is a long, drawn out process of gradual deterioration....until it isnt. It was easier to deal with things when they happened one at a time and sporadically. It was an entirely different thing when something, new and different, was smacking you in the face every single freakin day.

We did much better with the gradual stuff. There was more time to do things, the energy and emotion was spread out, and there was time to recoup in between. Plus, we could play to our strengths rather than be hindered by our weaknesses. And, if we made an inadvertent mistake, there was time to correct it.

When it came time to make modifications to my mom's home, we each had our role. My brother - Mr Construction dealt with the logistics. My bother - Mr. Accountant dealt with the costs. I dealt with functionality and minimizing disruption. My Mom was focused on aesthetics. It worked.

It was when the gradual process changed to a swift one that we ran into problems. This was when old conflicts reared their heads, the differences in our assessments and problem solving ways became butting heads, emotions ran high and often ugly, and we all lost track of the forest because of all the trees that kept popping up.

And then, I got sick. 2016 is a blur of hospitalizations, surgeries where everything that could go wrong did go wrong, rehab, and general weirdness. Now, the care givers were down to 2. In a few months, my brother would have a heart attack. We were down to 1.

The one thing my Mother wanted was to die in her own home. When she realized that was no longer possible, they say she gave up. I think she just gave in. 2 days before she died, she was still the same cantankerous, irascible, proud woman who always did things her way. She did death her way too.

Knowing what I know now, I dont think I would have made different decisions. I would have, I think, gone about making them differently which might have had a different impact on me, my emotions, my expectations. and the situation overall. I dont know.

I feel for folks who are still care givers. Wish I had something to say to lighten the load or some pearls of wisdom to make things easier. Some day maybe. Not today tho.

Today is just full of a profound sense of loss and the conflicting emotions that come with it.

[Teddybear]

Originally Posted by Kobi

My Mom died in December. The care giving is over. The rehashing is not. The rehashing might be part of grieving. It might be part of putting pieces of a puzzle together so things make sense. It might be both. I'm not sure.

Now, that I am not in the thick of it, I can see things somewhat differently, from perspectives I never had the luxury to entertain before. Hindsight has less pressure, less emotion, and can easily be put on the shelf for another day when it becomes too overwhelming.

I remember having conflicting emotions about care giving. There was a part of me who felt very strongly about what I saw as my responsibility. There was another part of me that became very resentful as my life, over time, turned into turmoil.

What I did not see, at the time, was I was focused so much on me and what was happening to me, that I had no concept of or appreciation of what others in my family, including my Mother, were dealing with.

My Mom was dealing with the loss of control over her body, her memory, her emotions, her home, her life, her decision making, her control. She became more and more frail and dependent and helpless. She hated that. She hated what was happening to her. Even more, she hated what it was doing to her kids and their lives. She struggled to maintain her dignity throughout, dealing as best she could with her own anger and frustrations and losses and guilt.

I was single or in uncommitted relationships. My primary family attachment was to my Mom. The decisions I made affected no one but me and my employer.

My brothers, on the other hand, were married/partnered. Their primary family attachment was to their spouses and children. The decisions they made affected many more people. Plus, their spouse/partners also had aging partners. Thus, they were being pulled in directions I, thankfully, never had to deal with.

I never appreciated that.

Aging is a long, drawn out process of gradual deterioration....until it isnt. It was easier to deal with things when they happened one at a time and sporadically. It was an entirely different thing when something, new and different, was smacking you in the face every single freakin day.

We did much better with the gradual stuff. There was more time to do things, the energy and emotion was spread out, and there was time to recoup in between. Plus, we could play to our strengths rather than be hindered by our weaknesses. And, if we made an inadvertent mistake, there was time to correct it.

When it came time to make modifications to my mom's home, we each had our role. My brother - Mr Construction dealt with the logistics. My bother - Mr. Accountant dealt with the costs. I dealt with functionality and minimizing disruption. My Mom was focused on aesthetics. It worked.

It was when the gradual process changed to a swift one that we ran into problems. This was when old conflicts reared their heads, the differences in our assessments and problem solving ways became butting heads, emotions ran high and often ugly, and we all lost track of the forest because of all the trees that kept popping up.

And then, I got sick. 2016 is a blur of hospitalizations, surgeries where everything that could go wrong did go wrong, rehab, and general weirdness. Now, the care givers were down to 2. In a few months, my brother would have a heart attack. We were down to 1.

The one thing my Mother wanted was to die in her own home. When she realized that was no longer possible, they say she gave up. I think she just gave in. 2 days before she died, she was still the same cantankerous, irascible, proud woman who always did things her way. She did death her way too.

Knowing what I know now, I dont think I would have made different decisions. I would have, I think, gone about making them differently which might have had a different impact on me, my emotions, my expectations. and the situation overall. I dont know.

I feel for folks who are still care givers. Wish I had something to say to lighten the load or some pearls of wisdom to make things easier. Some day maybe. Not today tho.

Today is just full of a profound sense of loss and the conflicting emotions that come with it.

Kobi

Thank you for this insight. I myself find myself feeling resentful for changing my life completely. I was exiled for 14 years and now I'm the sole care giver. I pushing my brothers to come one weekend a month so I can have time but mostly so they can have time with her.

One brother has a family the other doesn't. My mom tells me she KNOWS they don't want to be here with her. I hate she knows that and I hate they show her that. After she is gone if you act like she didn't matter to you ok she would never know but it's wrong to be doing it now.

I know it weighs on her knowing she is in frail health and is doing everything she can to hold on to who she was 6 months ago. I don't know how to help her be even who she was before she got sick. It's a work in progress that for every one step forward there are 10 backwards.

I wish that I had been better prepared for this part of my life.

[girl_dee]

i called my mom after church yesterday... was not a good idea, but i don't know when it IS a good idea to call her, and i want to call her. i don't know WHY i want to call her. Why do i expect that one of these days we will have a normal mother daughter conversation.

She said she need $600 to move BACK to the other place where she was miserable and hated it. She said there is nothing to do where she is and she's just sitting around waiting to die.

i don't have it to give her, and i gave her money i couldn't spare for this move.

It was hard to end the call without a solution for her. She just has to tough it out.

this is very new as i have always had a solution for her

[Teddybear]

Update.....

Took Momma to her cardiologist for follow up from her being in the hospital over the weekend. This is a new doctor her old doctor is retiring at the end of the month.

He took time to really talk to us. He told Mommai don't know why you come here your son knows about your condition.

We talked about her medication and my concerns. He agreed and changed her meds. We also have a plan now to treat her Afib. He also agreed they should have done something before now.

She is going to take the new meds for 6 weeks then they are going to evaluate her to have cardio conversion. They have tried chemical conversion but it didn't work so they are going to put the paddles to her.

She got to hear how my brother talk to me and she FINALLY set them straight. YAY!!

So today was good.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Teddybear

Update.....

Took Momma to her cardiologist for follow up from her being in the hospital over the weekend. This is a new doctor her old doctor is retiring at the end of the month.

He took time to really talk to us. He told Mommai don't know why you come here your son knows about your condition.

We talked about her medication and my concerns. He agreed and changed her meds. We also have a plan now to treat her Afib. He also agreed they should have done something before now.

She is going to take the new meds for 6 weeks then they are going to evaluate her to have cardio conversion. They have tried chemical conversion but it didn't work so they are going to put the paddles to her.

She got to hear how my brother talk to me and she FINALLY set them straight. YAY!!

So today was good.

yay ! a good day is a wonderful thing ...

[girl_dee]

My aunt took my mom and a friend out for shopping and lunch. The friend could have been a new friend for my mom, but she made a complete spectacle of herself and was totally irate and rude to her.

She threw a fit over nothing and demanded to be brought home after they went out of their way for her.

My aunt is baffled at seeing her sister like this and is at a loss, but it's new to me.