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Old 03-14-2020, 10:52 PM   #861
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This /\ is what i was talking about here \/



My new therapist is really pushing EMDR
She's going to have to sell it to me
For me, EMDR works on one thing at a time. Like if you know what the trauma is specifically that haunts you is, it helps blur the edges.

I totally get that it does not work for some people. I did not think it would work for me. The results for me were not instant, but over the years I can see it has worked.

Brain Spotting has worked to blur the edges on the trama your mind it leads to. Like body trauma we don't have words for.

Therapy gives me a safe place to just talk through layers of traumas and microtraumas and sometimes just the value in having someone actually listen to me, and over time know the me I show them, even though I am paying them to, is very validating.
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Old 03-17-2020, 10:17 AM   #862
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Default processing my test results

Recap: IQ was being retested at age 49 after i was tested as a minor during inpatient treatment. Those results were widely discussed, and caused my entire treatment plan to be upended, but they were ultimately withheld from me and my parents (supposedly.) My parents could have gotten them after discharge but never followed up (i wish i would have gone to get them myself, once 18, but i never could bring myself to call or visit the hospital, with which i associated very intense emotions for many years) (probably this was the case for my parents, too.)

Update: i'm not tacky enough to actually post my score, but the full-scale is like, on the doorstep of exceptional. Enough for Mensa, but when i looked it up on Quora this was the best comment: "to admit to an IQ of only ____ means you are probably not lying about how smart you are" so that is nice lol

I am neither surprised nor disappointed by the score, however, it was really, really, REALLY important for me to have it.

Having these scores withheld all those years ago ended up creating conditions within which i could be endlessly gaslit by my parents, my partners, my employers, my staff, and especially myself. I did not know the upper and lower range of appropriate expectations and this led to perfectionism and shame when i could not meet these expectations, which were basically unlimited.

Gifted girls are over-represented in anorexia stats BTW

My therapist and i talked about asynchronous development, and how this range makes it likely that growing up I was two years behind my physical age emotionally, while being several years ahead intellectually, and how this contributed to my boundary issues bc adults often overestimated the range of topics i was equipped to discuss/ideas i was equipped to process (to put it nicely.)

This is why i have often felt like i have been in sixth grade forever. i feel like that was the last year i could effortlessly fit in with my peers. After 6th grade i began to struggle, socially, and to experience bullying, anxiety, depression, and depersonalization.

ALSO, there are actually four scores. Three of my scores were closely grouped in the high range but my processing score was firmly average. This confirms the ADHD diagnosis and goes on file as the third assessment and second clinician to do so.

AND i finally brought Level 1 autism, which is a thing i have mostly-silently suspected.

There is a weird feeling i had before where i felt guilty for considering that diagnosis for myself? Like i was too high-functioning/accomplished for that and to even consider it was disrespectful to people with real problems and anyway it would have been spotted long ago.

The one time i brought it up before was to a male psychiatrist. He literally scoffed at the idea, although i kind of suspected his dismissal was influenced by my gender and appearance.

Within that IQ range, however, mild autism becomes more believable as there is plenty of capacity for compensating for some stuff and masking other stuff while still appearing perfectly functional. It puts my achievements in a more accurate perspective.

My therapist says she would not formally diagnose it unless to do so would be therapeutic, but i am deciding it would be therapeutic. All of these formal diagnoses are making it possible to put a ceiling over myself in terms of my perfectionism. I desperately need that ceiling.

These "labels" also equip me to set boundaries for other people. It has been easy to convince me that my needs are weird or unreasonable, and to shame me for my weirdness, but level 1 autism explains every single weird thing about me.

Where it has been hard for me to convince myself i deserve to have my needs met on general principle, i think it becomes much easier to do it when i have an external framework to validate them. Like, i'm weird because of science, nothing i can do, please adjust. I desperately need that ceiling, too.

It can be a crutch in a good way maybe.
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Old 03-20-2020, 03:58 PM   #863
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Originally Posted by dark_crystal View Post
Recap: IQ was being retested at age 49 after i was tested as a minor during inpatient treatment. Those results were widely discussed, and caused my entire treatment plan to be upended, but they were ultimately withheld from me and my parents (supposedly.) My parents could have gotten them after discharge but never followed up (i wish i would have gone to get them myself, once 18, but i never could bring myself to call or visit the hospital, with which i associated very intense emotions for many years) (probably this was the case for my parents, too.)

Update: i'm not tacky enough to actually post my score, but the full-scale is like, on the doorstep of exceptional. Enough for Mensa, but when i looked it up on Quora this was the best comment: "to admit to an IQ of only ____ means you are probably not lying about how smart you are" so that is nice lol

I am neither surprised nor disappointed by the score, however, it was really, really, REALLY important for me to have it.

Having these scores withheld all those years ago ended up creating conditions within which i could be endlessly gaslit by my parents, my partners, my employers, my staff, and especially myself. I did not know the upper and lower range of appropriate expectations and this led to perfectionism and shame when i could not meet these expectations, which were basically unlimited.

Gifted girls are over-represented in anorexia stats BTW

My therapist and i talked about asynchronous development, and how this range makes it likely that growing up I was two years behind my physical age emotionally, while being several years ahead intellectually, and how this contributed to my boundary issues bc adults often overestimated the range of topics i was equipped to discuss/ideas i was equipped to process (to put it nicely.)

This is why i have often felt like i have been in sixth grade forever. i feel like that was the last year i could effortlessly fit in with my peers. After 6th grade i began to struggle, socially, and to experience bullying, anxiety, depression, and depersonalization.

ALSO, there are actually four scores. Three of my scores were closely grouped in the high range but my processing score was firmly average. This confirms the ADHD diagnosis and goes on file as the third assessment and second clinician to do so.

AND i finally brought Level 1 autism, which is a thing i have mostly-silently suspected.

There is a weird feeling i had before where i felt guilty for considering that diagnosis for myself? Like i was too high-functioning/accomplished for that and to even consider it was disrespectful to people with real problems and anyway it would have been spotted long ago.

The one time i brought it up before was to a male psychiatrist. He literally scoffed at the idea, although i kind of suspected his dismissal was influenced by my gender and appearance.

Within that IQ range, however, mild autism becomes more believable as there is plenty of capacity for compensating for some stuff and masking other stuff while still appearing perfectly functional. It puts my achievements in a more accurate perspective.

My therapist says she would not formally diagnose it unless to do so would be therapeutic, but i am deciding it would be therapeutic. All of these formal diagnoses are making it possible to put a ceiling over myself in terms of my perfectionism. I desperately need that ceiling.

These "labels" also equip me to set boundaries for other people. It has been easy to convince me that my needs are weird or unreasonable, and to shame me for my weirdness, but level 1 autism explains every single weird thing about me.

Where it has been hard for me to convince myself i deserve to have my needs met on general principle, i think it becomes much easier to do it when i have an external framework to validate them. Like, i'm weird because of science, nothing i can do, please adjust. I desperately need that ceiling, too.

It can be a crutch in a good way maybe.
Wow, it sounds like you are getting a ton of good information. Its so sad that it was kept from you all these years and actually used against you.

I wish people could deal with each other's weird spaces without gaslighting them into feeling bad about themselves. I can really relate to that.

I am so glad you are getting answers!!!
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Old 03-20-2020, 04:17 PM   #864
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Why is it that everyone in my world seems to think I need to make allowances for their trauma and that mine should be my own problem to deal with....
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Old 03-20-2020, 04:20 PM   #865
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Why is it that everyone in my world seems to think I need to make allowances for their trauma and that mine should be my own problem to deal with....
Amen Sister!!!!

News bulletin....we are human too!!!!
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Old 03-21-2020, 04:24 PM   #866
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Why is it that everyone in my world seems to think I need to make allowances for their trauma and that mine should be my own problem to deal with....
I don't know, really, but this question makes me think of my mom, who is looking really bad right now as she appears to center herself throughout my father's devastating illness. I have been trying to convey to her how entitled she is to her needs and how to seek to meet them without comparing herself to her mother and sister, who found themselves in this same situation and behaved like saints.

She's gaslighting herself into a martyrdom she doesn't need to support

hugs to you
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Old 04-23-2020, 06:51 AM   #867
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i just went and woke up Mr. Jenny to share this piece of wisdom i just thought of for her:

"when you married me it's like you bought a Jaguar-- pretty car! Capable of very high performance! LOTS of breakdowns"

She didn't say much (possibly trying to sleep, who knows) so i said, "or am i a Delorean?" but she said "no, Jaguar is right"

Last week i told my therapist that getting my IQ score was like finding out i was a ferrari driving in traffic surrounded by buses without realizing i wasn't a bus

Either way i would rather be a nice, safe, low-maintenance Lexus

idk what is up with the car metaphors, probably my recently-unmasked autism* coming out



(that's sexist, actually, girls with autism often don't have the transportation thing, it's more likely to be Disney)
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Old 04-23-2020, 07:13 AM   #868
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[snip]

Gifted girls are over-represented in anorexia stats BTW

[snip]

AND i finally brought Level 1 autism, which is a thing i have mostly-silently suspected.

[snip]

My therapist says she would not formally diagnose it unless to do so would be therapeutic, but i am deciding it would be therapeutic. All of these formal diagnoses are making it possible to put a ceiling over myself in terms of my perfectionism. I desperately need that ceiling.

These "labels" also equip me to set boundaries for other people. It has been easy to convince me that my needs are weird or unreasonable, and to shame me for my weirdness, but level 1 autism explains every single weird thing about me.

Where it has been hard for me to convince myself i deserve to have my needs met on general principle, i think it becomes much easier to do it when i have an external framework to validate them. Like, i'm weird because of science, nothing i can do, please adjust. I desperately need that ceiling, too.

It can be a crutch in a good way maybe.
Two follow-ups to this post

1. spectrumnews.org/features/deep-dive/the-invisible-link-between-autism-and-anorexia/
Some estimates hold that as much as 20 percent of people with enduring eating disorders have autism. Because girls with autism are frequently underdiagnosed, it’s often an eating disorder that first brings them to clinical attention — although men and boys with autism can and do develop eating disorders, most of the research and clinical attention has focused on girls and women. This gender bias has led some to refer to anorexia as ‘the female Asperger’s.’

Recognizing that someone has both autism and an eating disorder is only the first step. Few psychologists have expertise in helping people who have both conditions. Historically, eating disorder treatment mandates group therapy, but people with autism often have difficulties with social interactions. This treatment also requires that the individuals make dramatic changes in their eating routines, often in a short period of time. But some people with autism find it challenging to meet this demand because of their insistence on sameness. As a result, many people who have both autism and anorexia find it difficult to recover from their eating problems, and are less likely to recover than those who have anorexia alone. Louise and others like her are demonstrating that although the overlap between autism and anorexia is more common than anyone realized, there are still few effective treatments for this dual burden.
2. My therapist is really leaning in to the autism diagnosis and focusing almost all of our sessions on it. I am scheduled for formal assessment on September 22 i wish it could be sooner but most clinicians are geared toward kids and this is a university institute with a special program for late-life diagnosis. Also the doctor is female, and the history of autism is sexist as hell
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Old 06-26-2020, 12:17 PM   #869
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Its crazy the things that trigger PTSD. Like dating for example. Work. TV, the President, a guy dying across the hall.

My doc added abilify to my drugs. Im not sure if its helping or not. I was klind of hallucinating and now I'm not. So thats good. Actually Im not sure of it was psychotic or psychic. Not that it matters I guess.
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Old 06-28-2020, 07:04 PM   #870
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Its crazy the things that trigger PTSD. Like dating for example. Work. TV, the President, a guy dying across the hall.

My doc added abilify to my drugs. Im not sure if its helping or not. I was klind of hallucinating and now I'm not. So thats good. Actually Im not sure of it was psychotic or psychic. Not that it matters I guess.
I take Abilify, and my main anti-depressant is Zoloft. The Abilify does seem to help make the Zoloft more effective for me. I haven't noticed any bad side effects, and I've been taking it for over a year. Good luck.
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Old 07-01-2020, 02:31 PM   #871
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I take Abilify, and my main anti-depressant is Zoloft. The Abilify does seem to help make the Zoloft more effective for me. I haven't noticed any bad side effects, and I've been taking it for over a year. Good luck.
THank you Ga! I take Cynbalta plus the Abilify. I have definitely gained weight and the Cymbalta makes my blood pressure go up. But it keeps me from being too crazy.

I have pneumonia a couple of months ago for 8 weeks, and the steroids they gave mme put me over the edge. I am still not right. Onve my PTSD is activated, its difficult to get back to whatever "normal" is.

I wish I could be off all meds, I think I would be healthier. But somehting always happened ot trigget my PTSD, then back on the meds I go.

Thank you for the sweet post, from your neighboring state, Tennessee!
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Old 07-05-2020, 06:32 PM   #872
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THank you Ga! I take Cynbalta plus the Abilify. I have definitely gained weight and the Cymbalta makes my blood pressure go up. But it keeps me from being too crazy.

I have pneumonia a couple of months ago for 8 weeks, and the steroids they gave mme put me over the edge. I am still not right. Onve my PTSD is activated, its difficult to get back to whatever "normal" is.

I wish I could be off all meds, I think I would be healthier. But somehting always happened ot trigget my PTSD, then back on the meds I go.

Thank you for the sweet post, from your neighboring state, Tennessee!
Hello from Georgia!

Sorry to hear about the pneumonia. I caught it back in October 2019, and I'm still not completely over the coughing.

I know what you mean about the steroids. I take them every time I have a gout flare-up, and I've had three lately. The people around me better beware!
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Old 07-11-2020, 09:35 AM   #873
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I had a huge panic attack a few days ago... I was talking with someone new through messenger (my new partners other partner) and they were being almost... too kind... lots of compliments, insinuations... and to me... it was just a huge red flag... no one is that nice on day one without ulterior motives...

I spent nearly 3 hours in total panic trying to figure out how to ask them to back off. In the end, I asked my partner to do it... and while they have, to some extent... not enough for me.

I really dislike that with everything I have experience, a COMPLIMENT, can make me panic...
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Old 07-14-2020, 12:52 PM   #874
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I had a huge panic attack a few days ago... I was talking with someone new through messenger (my new partners other partner) and they were being almost... too kind... lots of compliments, insinuations... and to me... it was just a huge red flag... no one is that nice on day one without ulterior motives...

I spent nearly 3 hours in total panic trying to figure out how to ask them to back off. In the end, I asked my partner to do it... and while they have, to some extent... not enough for me.

I really dislike that with everything I have experience, a COMPLIMENT, can make me panic...
Sadly, we wonder about motives...we wounder why someone would help us or want to be kind to us. I undestand! (((Jenn))). I need to do better at red flags like this. If someone is too kind, I should RUN before my heart breaks.

I've been very filled with panic and anxiety lately, for no apparent reason other than Covid 45, the weather and the government and how it affects life.

I want to be able to talk about it, feel it, process it...but most people say I need to just look for the positive....WHAT positive?

Im told that if a storm is coming, I should ignore it. Not watch the news. If I know a storm is coming at me, I am watching the weather, and if the lights go out im listening on my solar powered weather radio. WE have tornadoes, I have been thru several personally.

I've been though too much. If there are riots, weather, predators (not the hockey team), anything to be aware of....I am super aware. I am ON IT. Hyper alert.

I'm told, (not by my therapist) its obsessive. Maybe so. But also, its PTSD. and PTSD lives with me every day. I wish I could talk about it more without scaring anyone.

Gah

Ps. yes I take medicine for it and have a psychiatrist and therapist,b ut thats not always enough.
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Old 07-15-2020, 07:20 AM   #875
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The world is very hostile to us right now. I am usually driven to high achievement, but I've put a moratorium on ALL. OF. THAT.

I am in survival mode until further notice. I am barely able to function at work and have shamelessly slashed my duties to the bare minimum.

Speaking as a manager, I am advocating to anyone employed that they get themselves on intermittent FMLA and under an ADA reasonable accommodations agreement.

You can do it under PTSD and you don't really even need to ask for any accommodations beyond "positive feedback" or "sensory-friendly environment." Most doctors are comfortable recommending those. Once you have that paperwork your ass is covered for survival mode.

My intermittent FMLA status means I can walk out or call in at any time without a doctor's note, and my reasonable accommodation agreement means i can blame the environment for all of my mistakes.

Bare minimum for the duration.

The process was exhausting and traumatic:

I emailed HR and requested FMLA paperwork "for my serious health condition." They can't refuse this. Then I sent the forms to my psychiatrist and she sent them back to HR.

After HR had a phone convo with my doctor, they emailed me a letter stating intermittent FMLA was granted for a period of 12 months beginning and ending with (dates)

Once i had that letter, I sent them another email stating that i would like to request reasonable workplace accommodations for my serious health condition. HR came and interviewed me about my needs and had another phone convo with my psychiatrist, after which i got another letter.

Even if they don't grant both requests, you are on record as having made them, and will qualify for unemployment if you get fired.
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Old 07-28-2020, 08:10 AM   #876
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I left work at 11 am last Tuesday and I am on LegalMatch.com looking for a personal injury lawyer. Here is the case summary i posted:
My employee took unauthorized action behind my back, took documented steps to conceal her activities, and used these unauthorized activities and withheld information to publicly humiliate me twice, first in a departmental group text and then later in our shared suite, with my entire staff as witnesses. She did this despite her knowledge of my status as a person currently being treated for PTSD, and exploited her awareness of my autism and ADHD to justify her actions. This is the second incident. The first incident occurred in January 2020 and involved the unauthorized commitment of $50,000.00 in taxpayer funds
I am so messed up over this. I don't know when i will go back to work.
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Old 08-01-2020, 11:20 AM   #877
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Talking checking in

I had my final visit by phone with the therapist I've had for the past 6 months and next week, she hands me off to a newly assigned therapist (from the same clinic).

I do have a massive case of PTSD. I only learned about it after a temp admin in the clinic office's home base location, mistakenly sent case notes to me rather than to my primary doctor. Among other things I read in my case notes, made by all therapists I have seen since two years ago now, is that I have a unique IQ. It's not enough to move me into another category (standard deviation section) but the way they talk about it in my case notes leaves me with the knowledge that I'm not exactly a 'special snowflake' but a snowflake that is resilient and not exactly like other snowflakes.

I'm making fun of myself, in case it's not obvious.

In other news: I committed myself to another year of therapy with the same clinic. I feel tremendous support from the set of clinician's I have seen over the past two years. I feel like positive progress is taking place in my life and although my life right now is anything but serene (ie, monster neighbor with toddler syndrome makes it terribly hard on me right now), I know that I am developing critical skills in self advocacy and problem solving techniques and sustaining a level of resilience that marks my life as being an remarkable account of doing more than just surviving, but living life to the best of my ability. Which is pretty remarkable, to me. I feel incredible support from the clinic who provides me with more than competent clinicians.

Oh, and the next clinician I have will not be female. It will be the first time I have had a male clinician. So, not sure how the next 6 months will go, but I'm giving it a chance.

Sending wellness wishes to all,
~K.
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Old 08-03-2020, 08:04 AM   #878
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I left work at 11 am last Tuesday and I am on LegalMatch.com looking for a personal injury lawyer. Here is the case summary i posted:
My employee took unauthorized action behind my back, took documented steps to conceal her activities, and used these unauthorized activities and withheld information to publicly humiliate me twice, first in a departmental group text and then later in our shared suite, with my entire staff as witnesses. She did this despite her knowledge of my status as a person currently being treated for PTSD, and exploited her awareness of my autism and ADHD to justify her actions. This is the second incident. The first incident occurred in January 2020 and involved the unauthorized commitment of $50,000.00 in taxpayer funds
I am so messed up over this. I don't know when i will go back to work.
i am still at home. I had a meeting with an HR assistant (not the director) on the 28th, and i told her that i will feel able to return once this employee has been disciplined, removed from my direct reports, and relocated to a different suite.

The assistant went to discuss it with the Director and said she would get back with me. I am still waiting.
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Old 08-03-2020, 11:59 AM   #879
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i am still at home. I had a meeting with an HR assistant (not the director) on the 28th, and i told her that i will feel able to return once this employee has been disciplined, removed from my direct reports, and relocated to a different suite.

The assistant went to discuss it with the Director and said she would get back with me. I am still waiting.
My boss has appointed the bully as interim Department Head in my absence
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Old 08-05-2020, 12:18 PM   #880
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i am still at home. I had a meeting with an HR assistant (not the director) on the 28th, and i told her that i will feel able to return once this employee has been disciplined, removed from my direct reports, and relocated to a different suite.

The assistant went to discuss it with the Director and said she would get back with me. I am still waiting.
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My boss has appointed the bully as interim Department Head in my absence
Yesterday was two weeks since the incident and I still get nausea and chills at the thought of entering the library.

I am improving in that the physical pain had ended by this past weekend. The doctor said that my hypermobility disorder causes emotional distress to trigger "somatosensory amplification," so my usual hip, neck, and shoulder pain were cranked up to an immobilizing extent in the days immediately following the incident.

BUT i can't read any books! The thought of just opening the library app on my phone gives me palpitations and clammy hands.

On the administrative side of things, HR has given me permission to do a written warning, IF my boss approves, but they do not feel moving her is warranted.

I typed up the corrective action form and now i am waiting for my boss to approve it. This is by no means guaranteed.

My primary doctor's recommended course of treatment following this trauma was to take a month off of work and use that time to attend therapy three times per week, and do Pilates at least two times per week.

I will be doing two virtual therapy sessions and will begin weekly in-person EMDR sessions tomorrow. I am seeing my psychiatrist next Friday. I am also seeing an autism specialist and I have committed to a three month Pilates package (expensive af but literally the only exercise allowed with hypermobility)

The Pilates is supposed to strengthen my muscles to the point where they are passively stabilizing my joints. Hypermobility plus my current state of emaciation means that my muscles are actively holding my joints together, and this increases the adrenaline in my bloodstream, which manifests as anxiety.

This anxiety is all chemical and just floating around in there, but it gets added to my PTSD-related anxieties and supposedly that is why i had such an "extreme" reaction to this particular trauma, according to my primary care doctor (my therapist does not consider my reaction extreme, and she was horrified to hear my bully had been given my job)

The thing is, I couldn't start Pilates until yesterday, due to pain, and it will be August 18 before my therapist can add the second virtual session, so I will not actually be in compliance with my treatment plan until the last two days of my month off. I am seeing her again on Friday and i will ask her if she can extend my recommended leave to September 21.

The EMDR therapist's office is near my parents' house, and the efficiency tyrant in me says to kill two birds with one stone and knock out my weekly visit with them immediately following therapy.

Am i correct in my understanding that i will come out of EMDR in a fairly raw state and not be in any condition to deal with my parents, who are implicated in my ongoing trauma?
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