Original Bad Prose or Stories!

[SoNotHer]

Beulah had long suffered the fact that her attempts to capture the coveted “Perfect Peaks” award for the 'gazooms that garnered the longest and most genuine gawking' were for naught, especially when Tussy LaMare was in the running and threatening to fire candy corn from a whirly gig mounted to her devils dumplings, if she lost. Nevertheless and consequently, her sense of good sportsmanship challenged to its absolute limit, Beulah decided that this year, “Second Best Breasts” was simply not good enough.[/SIZE]

[*Anya*]

Originally Posted by SoNotHer

Beulah had long suffered the fact that her attempts to capture the coveted “Perfect Peaks” award for the 'gazooms that garnered the longest and most genuine gawking' were for naught, especially when Tussy LaMare was in the running and threatening to fire candy corn from a whirly gig mounted to her devils dumplings, if she lost. Nevertheless and consequently, her sense of good sportsmanship challenged to its absolute limit, Beulah decided that this year, “Second Best Breasts” was simply not good enough.[/SIZE]

Oh my sister! LOL

OK, I will work on a shortie, a one paragraph one but doubt I can top yours for a sheer, sheer wonderful use of words and turn of phrase!

But, I will try!

[SoNotHer]

Eagerly awaiting the next entry, A/G

Laissez les mal mots rollez!

[Elijah]

*snickers @ devils dumplings

Originally Posted by SoNotHer

Beulah had long suffered the fact that her attempts to capture the coveted “Perfect Peaks” award for the 'gazooms that garnered the longest and most genuine gawking' were for naught, especially when Tussy LaMare was in the running and threatening to fire candy corn from a whirly gig mounted to her devils dumplings, if she lost. Nevertheless and consequently, her sense of good sportsmanship challenged to its absolute limit, Beulah decided that this year, “Second Best Breasts” was simply not good enough.[/SIZE]

[Cin]

Not sure exactly what works in here but I think this fits the bill for very bad prose:

I had been waiting for this moment for all eternity and would have waited for a thousand forevers if it came to that and consider myself fortunate for the speed of it all and now that it was here I planned to slow down time and make it last that eternity that I had waited so patiently for and as my sword of plenty entered her vacuum of need I wondered just how long forever could be.

[Truly Scrumptious]

I actually entered the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction contest (the yearly challenge to compose the opening sentence of the worst of all possible novels) twice:

“Say you’ll marry me”, pleaded the furnace repair man as he gazed down at Big Thelma who beamed up at him from bended knees, silently thanking her lucky stars that she’d forgotten to put her teeth in.

“That’s life” she said to everyone in general and no one in particular as she sucked back the last of her bourbon & branch and thoughtfully twirled a strand of her moustache through her fingers.

[*Anya*]

She loved her eyes, though one was blue and other, a shade of Harlequin green that at one angle almost appeared yellow, so she always tried to remember to turn her head to the right when people looked at her, so then that eye did appear more green but it hurt her neck to always tilt her head at an 80 degree angle and it was still a problem because people never quite knew if they should look into her green eye or her blue, so instead they tried to look at her nose but since it had been fractured and never properly set, her nose tilted to the left and it was so confusing, people would turn around and walk away, rather than have to deal with such a vexing situation.

[Truly Scrumptious]

Her lower lip quivered and her creamy bosom heaved in time with her hopes as they rose and fell while she waited delicately perched on the edge of what could be a dream but might break her heart depending on whether or not she heard the words “will you accept this rose?”

[Cin]

I Wanna Write Bad Things With You.

Some might say it had ended before it began. That it never had a chance. That it went sour like bad wine. You might think the bad taste in my mouth would have stopped me. But it didn’t. I could never read the writing on the wall, being illiterate and all. Maybe if I had learned to read; or maybe if I had been more interested in wine tasting lessons. If I was just a little smarter, I could have understood an end when I saw one. Maybe when you slashed my tires it should have ended. But instead I just bought more tires. Maybe when you shot my dog I could have stopped it then. But I didn’t. I cleaned up the mess and buried my pooch, my tears washing away the blood and dirt from my face. Maybe that should have been the end. Well it was for Rover. But I was always the dumber animal between the two of us. Maybe when you ran me down with your car that should have ended it. But I always hated to read things into stuff, especially since I can’t read. And after all I am prone to over analyzing. I was still trying to figure out what you were trying to tell me when you jumped off that building smashing yourself to a bloody pulp against the concrete below. Perhaps if you hadn’t ended it, I could have figured out what you were trying to say.