Trust and Technology

[Girl_On_Fire]

I've heard in some committed relationships, the understood and expected norm is shared email addresses, cell phone numbers, Facebook accounts, and passwords for everything. Oftentimes this isn't just for convenience but for the express purpose of checking up on each other and "keeping each other honest" in the relationship.

How do you feel about this behavior for the above-mentioned purpose? Is this the established rule in your committed relationship? Or do you believe this crosses certain personal boundaries? Or are you somewhere in between?

[Gráinne]

If I have to check up on my hypothetical partner and "keep her honest", I'd rather be single.

I can definitely see sharing cell phone numbers for keeping in touch, sure. If partner does FB, then I suppose we'd "friend" each other. But I don't share a lot of passwords (it's never come up with anyone), nor would I share financial info.

[Girl_On_Fire]

Originally Posted by Gráinne

If I have to check up on my hypothetical partner and "keep her honest", I'd rather be single.

I couldn't agree more. It's a thing that always got me in my last relationship. My ex-partner seemed to think it was strange that I didn't check up on her. Like I didn't care or something but the woman she'd been in a relationship with prior to that apparently called/texted her constantly when they weren't together. I never thought giving someone their personal space when they were hanging out with friends could possibly be seen as a bad thing.

[kittygrrl]

wow..if you need all of this..you probably have issues about a lot of other things too..............................i think a reboot may be necessary

[thedivahrrrself]

Originally Posted by Girl_On_Fire

I've heard in some committed relationships, the understood and expected norm is shared email addresses, cell phone numbers, Facebook accounts, and passwords for everything. Oftentimes this isn't just for convenience but for the express purpose of checking up on each other and "keeping each other honest" in the relationship.

How do you feel about this behavior for the above-mentioned purpose? Is this the established rule in your committed relationship? Or do you believe this crosses certain personal boundaries? Or are you somewhere in between?

that's a bit creepy IMHO

I am crazy annoyed by couples who have no separate identities. It's bad enough when one person always talks for the other - "Bill and I think..." Really? Is Bill mute? Why can't YOU just think something? But when "Steven&Darcy Smith" post a comment on my FB, I'd like to know if it was Steven or Darcy who said Obama was the antichrist.

If you don't trust your partner, don't move in with them. Don't fuse identities just to "keep each other honest".

In my experience, if someone has cheated on me (I am assuming that is what this crazy shared account thing is supposed to prevent?), I know it in the pit of my soul. They change in ways that make it obvious. I don't need to go searching for proof - my gut has never been wrong about that one. So, I'm not going to worry about anyone cheating on me until it actually happens, and I don't think having a shared account is going to make it any less likely to happen.

[Ciaran]

Originally Posted by Girl_On_Fire

I've heard in some committed relationships, the understood and expected norm is shared email addresses, cell phone numbers, Facebook accounts, and passwords for everything. Oftentimes this isn't just for convenience but for the express purpose of checking up on each other and "keeping each other honest" in the relationship.

How do you feel about this behavior for the above-mentioned purpose? Is this the established rule in your committed relationship? Or do you believe this crosses certain personal boundaries? Or are you somewhere in between?

I can understand having a "family" or "joint" email account for shared issues - for example, if you're managing work on your house and want all emails to be shared and either party to take forward etc. Similar, in some respects, to having a joint bank account.


However, to actually share and give access to passwords for personal email accounts and other online profiles (facebook, this site etc). You've got to be joking. If a partner actually sought this from me and thought it was a reasonable request - well, the relationship would be over before I could say, "No chance".


Similarly, even if a partner was happy giving me her passwords etc, I wouldn't want to access her accounts. I value privacy and just as I often need privacy in my own life, I don't want to intrude on the privacy of others.


To me it's not only about trust. It's about what a relationship is and isn't. I'm all for relationships - but my sense of being in a relationship doesn't involve being, metaphorically speaking, a siamese twin.

[Loren_Q]

My partner and I do have a shared mail account (for bills, finances, etc.) but also have personal email and/or social network accounts. Those we don't share, but it's not uncommon for one or both of us to leave our personal mail, etc. clients up.

Since we favor different browsers, my email and social network password is 'remembered'. I suppose she could check up on me, but I know she doesn't. On the flip side she keeps all of her passwords stored in a tool that I also use so I could always get to her passwords if I wanted.

Oddly, even though I"m pretty laisse faire about leaving apps up, etc. the idea of someone asking for or demanding my password bothers me.

[Scuba]

I agree with folks. I see sharing information like this as feeding insecurities. It doesn't foster trust or honesty in a relationship at all. In my ever so humble opinion, there is just too much that can be misinterpreted. An email or post from an old friend may be seen as something it's not. There are always three sides to any story yours, theirs and the truth and the truth is something we'll never arrive at...

And as someone else mentioned...paying attention to your gut feelings about someone or something is important. If someone is dishonest they'll find 100 other ways to skirt the ole account/password sharing policy anyway.

Just my two cents...

Scoobs

[Girl_On_Fire]

I'm really relieved by these responses. I know a couple who went to just one joint email account and it really put a damper on our friendship because I didn't know one of them well enough to be as emotionally open. I knew whatever I said to one would be read by the other so I just stopped writing unless it was something generic. It's too bad but that's the way they do things and who am I to say it's "wrong", you know?

[torchiegirl]

I wouldn't participate in this no more than I would sit on the edge of the tub...

[Ginger]

Originally Posted by Girl_On_Fire

I've heard in some committed relationships, the understood and expected norm is shared email addresses, cell phone numbers, Facebook accounts, and passwords for everything. Oftentimes this isn't just for convenience but for the express purpose of checking up on each other and "keeping each other honest" in the relationship.

How do you feel about this behavior for the above-mentioned purpose? Is this the established rule in your committed relationship? Or do you believe this crosses certain personal boundaries? Or are you somewhere in between?

I think it sounds incredibly invasive, to be that merged with someone, that "watched." I would never get to that level of commitment with someone that needy of access to my every interaction with others.

And now I'll tell you what I really think!

[Scuba]

Originally Posted by torchiegirl

I wouldn't participate in this no more than I would sit on the edge of the tub...

AMEN!!!

[StrongButch]

Their trust issues were there before technology and giving them a password wont change that. Maybe a therapists number or a book might help.

[Kelt]

Originally Posted by Girl_On_Fire

I'm really relieved by these responses. I know a couple who went to just one joint email account and it really put a damper on our friendship because I didn't know one of them well enough to be as emotionally open. I knew whatever I said to one would be read by the other so I just stopped writing unless it was something generic. It's too bad but that's the way they do things and who am I to say it's "wrong", you know?

I go through this exact same thing with my parents. One account, filtered by my controlling father. Guess who I can no longer talk to comfortably.

With a partner I can see a joint account for household or joint matters, rather like checking, but not personal issues. I wouldn't be with someone I could not trust or did not trust me. It's also about personal space for me. I may leave things open or laying around, but not for inspection, because I trust them not to go getting into stuff that does not pertain to them. In the same way, I don't care about their conversations with old college roommates or current friends, or whoever, none of my business.

No micro-managing in my home thanks.

[Girl_On_Fire]

Originally Posted by torchiegirl

I wouldn't participate in this no more than I would sit on the edge of the tub...

It took me a second to get that but damn, that's a creepy image. lol! (Not that I haven't watched/and assisted a partner with bathing before but that was because we both wanted to not because I wanted to check to be sure she wasn't texting somebody behind the shower curtain.) lol!

[*Anya*]

The technology is secondary to that of the the primary issue of trust.

I would never expect to know my partner's passwords or read her email (nor do I want to)!

I still have never Googled anyone that I personally know- maybe a movie or singer star here or there.

I know many folks do or have done so and I hold no judgments about it other than for me: it feels wrong and very uncomfortable to contemplate doing that.

Everyone has a private life with private thoughts-even when partnered.

Trust is the be-all and end-all for me.

So is being my own person.

[Angeltoes]

I started to respond to this the other day and changed my mind because I knew my view would be different from the majority. Well here it is anyway. I don't understand why it is that we are so careful about judging others when it comes to certain choices like, say, D/g or D/s lifestyles but when it comes to other relationship choices it's perfectly fine to point our fingers and call it creepy. To be sure, I would not share my personal passwords to social networking sites. Sharing other personal info I have done and might do in the future if the situation called for it. I just find the judgments to be really unnecessary. If 2 or 3 or 20 people agree to something and it works for them, it's not my place to say it's wrong. Conservatives go around calling everything different 'creepy.' There is nothing creepy in a consensual relationship imo. It only becomes creepy when somebody is being victimized.

[Amber2010]

If you have been cheated a few times I do understand the issues. I myself don't want any partner I have now or later to give me their personal information like that. First I feel that is kind of like looking in their wallet for phone numbers and it is wrong. It would be a problem with me and not with them. I believe in treating each relationship with new eyes and to trust first. If it gets where I feel I can't trust that person than it is time to take a good hard look at myself and why am I even in that relationship. Love without trust ruins any relationship in the end. Again this is just my point of view.

[thedivahrrrself]

Originally Posted by Girl_On_Fire

I'm really relieved by these responses. I know a couple who went to just one joint email account and it really put a damper on our friendship because I didn't know one of them well enough to be as emotionally open. I knew whatever I said to one would be read by the other so I just stopped writing unless it was something generic. It's too bad but that's the way they do things and who am I to say it's "wrong", you know?

Ew, that's a whole other thing to think about. Yeah, I don't think I'd feel comfortable emailing someone knowing it would be read by their partner. Again, creepy.

[thedivahrrrself]

Originally Posted by *Anya*

I still have never Googled anyone that I personally know- maybe a movie or singer star here or there.

With online dating, I always always always google people. I don't google my friends or anything, but I always google someone before meeting in person, just as a precaution. The one time I didn't, I got my car stolen, and a lot worse could have happened if one of my friends hadn't taken the time to check someone out I was dating and run them off. Turns out this person had physically hurt one person and stolen tons of money from another. I was lucky to have a diligent, nosey friend, and now I never skip the googling step. I don't care if it's weird to someone, you have to take care of yourself when you don't know somebody!